


After Death

by antioedipus



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Family Fluff Eventually, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, I swear this is not Storms at all, Past Hayate/Yuugao, Past Kurenai/Raidou, Rare Pairings, Romance, Smut, background Asuma/Kurenai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:15:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 97,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29394657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antioedipus/pseuds/antioedipus
Summary: After Hayate dies, Yuugao plans on being alone forever. Raidou changes her plans.“I would very much like to have a boring life,” he says, “no drama or intrigue.”“What does this boring life look like?” she asks. Is there any room for me? Daydream Hayate coughs, and Yuugao feels a twinge of guilt.“I’m sitting on a chair, drinking a beer, with a hand down my pants, saying nothing.” He smiles when Yuugao giggles. “What?”“A hand down your pants?” she asks. He nods.“Next time you’re alone, doing nothing, just try it,” he says, “it’s relaxing.”
Relationships: Namiashi Raidou & Shiranui Genma & Yuuhi Kurenai, Namiashi Raidou/Uzuki Yuugao, Uzuki Yuugao & Yamato | Tenzou
Comments: 69
Kudos: 10





	1. Before Common Era Part I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bawgdan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bawgdan/gifts).



“Every love story is a ghost story”

David Foster Wallace, _The Pale King_

Scarred from a lifetime of knicks and cuts, Yuugao looks at the backs of her hands while her mother pours sparkling water into her glass. Yuugao’s mother insisted on taking her out to dinner tonight. Her father is on a mission, otherwise, he’d be here too. Yuugao came home from a mission this morning, and she’s spent two weeks with her team and is ready to blow of some steam. She’s going to go to a bar after dinner, maybe pick someone up. Anything to feel something.

Yuugao’s mother is a very happy woman. She smiles a lot and is always in a good mood. Hayate and her mother are alike, in that way. _Were_ alike. Yuugao sips on her glass of wine, trying to block Hayate out. He has been dead for two and a half years, but she sees him in the corner of her eye. Right now, she can feel him standing at her back.

Her mother, tired of carrying on the conversation herself, sighs and looks at Yuugao. “Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” she asks.

“I do talk.” Yuugao takes another little sip of her wine. It goes down funny, and it stings the back of her throat.

“You always feel far away,” her mother says, looking away. Yuugao feels a tingle in her back as Hayate stares at the back of her neck. She calls him Daydream Hayate. She sees him only half of the time that she’s awake, but he is always at the edge of her consciousness. A ghost is a presence who is there in its absence. She doesn’t know whether he is an actual ghost or a psychological coping mechanism. A part of her hopes he’s a ghost—she doesn’t feel like she has lost touch with reality. On the other hand, she has a hard time believing that the sweet, gentle person she fell in love with would willingly stick around to haunt her. However, at this point, she finds the idea of her brain generating this illusion to help her process her grief to be unsatisfying.

Yuugao crosses her legs and thinks about where she wants to go after. “So, have you been seeing anyone?” her mother asks. Yuugao frowns.

“I work a lot,” Yuugao rubs the back of her neck. She had been ‘working a lot’ ever since the week she stayed in bed, after finding Hayate.

“You’re going to work yourself to death,” her mother sighs, “or you’ll wake up one day and realize that you’ve been denying yourself happiness.” Yuugao is personally convinced that happiness is impossible in a world without Hayate. She doesn’t think he would agree with her, but he isn’t here to argue the point; Daydream Hayate never speaks to her, he simply hovers.

“Maybe that’s the point,” Yuugao hums. Her mother’s bright eyes sadden.

“He’d want you to be happy.”

“But what about what I want?” Yuugao rubs her forehead. She is, most definitely, going to go get a drink after dinner. Maybe three. Pick someone up, kick them out before the sun rises.

**

Raidou’s jaw hurts. He woke up this morning and it was stiff and ache-y. _I’m grinding my teeth again._ Genma made fun of his mouth guard when he found it on the bathroom counter, but Raidou knows he’d grind his teeth to shit without it. He is coming back from a simple escort mission, but he still feels like shit. The tight feeling in his face is nothing new, and it gets worse with each passing day. Kurenai tells him that he needs to take a break, go on vacation, and Genma and Aoba have volunteered to dig him an early grave, but Raidou doesn’t listen to them. He doesn’t even listen to his own body; he doesn’t know who they think they are talking to when they tell him to slow down.

He went and delivered his report to Tsunade, who was trying to leave the office when he walked in. She looked like she wanted to throw him out the window, but Shizune reminded her that she can’t punish people for doing their jobs properly. 

It takes less than five minutes, and he is free. He walks out onto the street and looks around. His parents and brother are dead, so he has no family to go home to. Kurenai is out on a mission, so he can’t go and see her. Genma and Aoba are probably around, doing whatever two fucks do on a…is it a Thursday night? Raidou rubs his forehead. _If I were Genma and Aoba, what would I be doing?_ Probably drunk, or on the way there. Raidou sighs to himself and figures he should head to that bar they are always talking about. _Maybe I’ll feel better after a drink_. Raidou sighs. He really doesn’t want to be alone right now, so he decides that he is just going to go into the first bar he can think of and get a stiff drink.

**

Lately, Yuugao has been having lots of sex with strangers. It’s been two and a half years since she watched Hayate be put in the ground, and while her libido has returned, her capacity for love has not. It doesn’t help that she hasn’t had really good, nasty, toe curling sex since the morning Hayate walked out the door and never came back again.

Yuugao leans against the bar, sipping a glass of water, looking around her. No one interesting. She leans back, in her short, fitted black dress, purposefully chosen to make men want to take it off but understand that she is _invitation only_. She even wore nice panties. Yuugao sips her water, thinking about what a waste tonight has been, when she senses someone sidle up to her. She turns her head, and smiles when she sees Raidou, one of Hayate’s friends, smiling at her.

He’s quite handsome, and his scar only adds to his appeal. She is only one beer in, so Yuugao knows the warmth pooling in her tummy is most likely her own lust. Raidou has never presented himself as an option before, but she supposes even assassins have to respect the dead. She doesn’t think she’d be willing to entertain him, if he had approached her earlier.

“Hi,” he says, looking right at her. “May I join you?”

“You may,” she replies, smiling. Something inside of her softens when she sees the way he tries to hide his own smile, like he doesn’t want to let on that he thinks she’s attractive. “You just get back?”

“I’ve been out for two days,” he replies, “just an escort mission.”

They know enough about each other to have a conversation, but not enough to be able to slip into one easily. The fact that he wants to have sex with her weighs between them. She eyes him from beneath her brow as she sips her water, looking at the dirt on his neck, thinking about how he probably smells sweaty under all of his clothes, finding that she doesn’t care and even really likes that last bit. Raidou is the kind of handsome where his ugly bits are the hottest parts. Yuugao eyes his scar, thinking about how she wants to lick it, when he catches her staring.

“You’re staring at it.” He frowns, turning away. He’s still self-conscious, even though he’s had it since he was a teenager. One would think that insecurities meltaway at thirty, and that is true for a lot of them, except the really, really big ones. Raidou’s scar, although it’s something he lives with every day, is something he will never feel very good about. He supposes it could be worse; he could’ve lost the eye, or been completely disfigured, or actually be dead. But that’s a bare life argument. While he knows he’s still handsome, he thinks that it is under the scar, rather than the scar contributing anything positive to how he looks.

“It?” she asks softly. He frowns.

“The scar.” He replies, turning to look at her directly. Yuugao looks at him softly and touches his arm.

“Do you want me to look away?” she asks. Raidou shakes his head.

“I just don’t want you to only look at the scar, that’s all,” he says, placing his fingers over hers. She looks up at the rest of his face, his eyes, nose, mouth and chin.

“You know, for what it’s worth, I think the scar makes you more handsome,” she says.

“Chicks dig the damaged and disfigured,” he replies, and he feels warm when Yuugao laughs.

“I’ve never really thought about it that way before,” she says, “you’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“I’m always looking to inspire,” he says, looking up at the beer menu. “I really don’t feel like drinking,” he says this more to himself than her. Yuugao turns to face him, drumming her fingers on his arm.

“Why are you here?” she asks, letting the warm feeling in her stomach pull her closer to him.

“I wanted to see if Genma or Aoba were around,” he says, “you happened to be the only person I know in this bar.” It’s a civilian one; Genma and Aoba, as a rule, don’t date in the forces, so they come to establishments such as this one. He was surprised to see Yuugao here, of all places. But it was a pleasant surprise, and before he could really think about it, he walked over here.

“You came to a bar to find them?” she asks. “Not to talk to a girl?”

“That wasn’t my intention,” he replies.

“Then why are you talking to me?” she says, “everyone has a goal.” Raidou smiles.

“I thought I’d press my luck.” He looks at pointedly and smiles when she blushes. “It’s not rocket science, Yuugao.”

“You’re awfully presumptuous,” she replies, trying to recover. It’s not lost on either of them that she hasn’t moved her hand. It’s been five minutes, but she wants to fall into deep lust, and he will go wherever she leads him.

“Am I?” he asks. Yuugao stares openly at his mouth, and if it didn’t make him feel naked, he would point this out to her. “Want to hear a joke?”

“A joke?” she asks, looking into his eyes to avoid staring at his cupid’s bow.

“Did you know that, when frustrated, cannibals throw up their hands?” he asks. She laughs.

“You’re such a dork,” Yuugao replies.

“I don’t know if you know me well enough to make a statement like that,” Raidou says. He is a dork, in the sense that he is kind of clumsy and very serious when it comes to his work, but he doesn’t think it defines him.

“How well would I have to get to know you?” she asks.

“Hm,” he hums, “you’d have to speak to me for more than five minutes.”

“More than five minutes?” By her count, it has been ten.

“On that note, I would like to get out of here,” he says, “I probably stink.” Yuugao moves closer to him, so he can see her eyelashes but can’t count them one-by-one.

“Want to spend more time with me?” she asks. “Tonight?”

“Even though I stink?” he asks. Yuugao smiles at him like a shark.

“A little stink never hurt.” Takes a predator to know one. Raidou has never felt so seen before.

**

Yuugao asked him to come over, spend some time with her, and he picked up what she put down. She lets them both in, and he walks in after her, watching her take her shoes off before walking to the kitchen. They haven’t kissed or anything, but Raidou’s palms are itchy the way they are when he wants stimulation, sexual or otherwise. He watches her walk, thinking about how pretty the backs of her knees are. Raidou has seen her before, but now, he doesn’t know if he’s ever looked at her properly. He’s never been around when she’s been positioning herself to fuck; after Hayate, she avoids the forces. She wants to meet someone with a boring, normal job, but she’ll break her own rule, once.

“Do you want something to drink?” she calls from the kitchen. Raidou takes off his own shoes and follows her.

“No thank you,” he says, amused. He wants to say something to the effect of ‘come on now, we both know why I’m here,’ but that would definitely push his luck. She’s Anbu, and he knows better than to disrespect an operative.

Yuugao leans against the counter and watches him come to stand over her, looking up at him. Raidou knows that one of them has to move first, and he figures it might as well be him. He puts his hand to her cheek, rubbing his thumb over her cheekbone.

“Is this okay?” he asks. Yuugao swallows, because it’s been a minute since she’s had a partner who asked her something like that.

“Yes,” she says quietly.

“May I kiss you?” he leans in and is a little surprised when she presses her mouth to his lower lip. He places a hand on either side of her face, and when she pulls away and looks up, he looks at her with a tenderness she hasn’t seen in a while.

Yuugao reaches up for him, placing her palm on his stomach, making his neck tingle as he opens his mouth and lets her in. They hold onto each other, kissing with feelings neither of them knew they could have for an acquaintance. It’s been too long since kissing made Yuugao feel like a person and Raidou didn’t know he could feel this floaty with someone he barely knows. When she sticks her hand up his shirt, he presses his tummy into her hand.

A quick series of movements: pushing his flak jacket off of his shoulders, grabbing her ass with both hands, scrambling to get rid of that stupid headplate he wears on duty, pulling the zipper of her dress down, down and helping her out of the sleeves. Unclasping her bra, taking off his shirt and then the mesh undershirt he’s required to wear. Mouths at jaws, mouths searching the lines of shoulders, inside of collarbones. Mouths finding each other, then a mouth left open as the other descends down, down. Raidou takes her pierced nipple in his mouth, not commenting on it, which, for whatever reason, makes Yuugao feel hotter than if he were to comment on it.

Raidou gets on his knees and pushes her skirt up over her hips. Her panties have heather and clovers embroidered in them, both of which mean good luck, if Raidou remembers correctly.

“Thought you’d get lucky?” he asks. Yuugao grins at him.

“Believe it or not, you’re the only one who has ever gotten the joke.” Raidou hooks his fingers into the waistband of her panties and pulls them down and off. He pauses and looks up at her.

“May I?”

“May you what?” she asks. He looks at the red, flushed splotches on her chest, and thinks about how they are because of him.

“I would very much like to eat you out and then fuck your brains out. In that order, too.” Raidou says this in a matter-of-fact voice, like he just delivered a mission brief and isn’t on his knees, eye-level with her softest parts.

“I would very much like that,” she replies in a soft voice. Raidou teases her a little with his fingers, before putting his mouth against her and finding her clit, a finger inside of her, stroking. It’s kind of like he is sucking all her blood to that part of her body, and it hurts a little from how swollen he makes her feel. She wants relief but he keeps going, and it sort of scares her how it’s all building and building inside of her. Her orgasm is going to be so good it hurts.

She puts her own hand between her legs, curving over Raidou, her finger slipping in behind his while he sucks and licks, and he has to admit, he’s never before had a woman like what he’s doing so much that she joins him. He sucks a little harder and slips his fingers out, so Yuugao can find that magic spot. She whines a little, feeling empty, but she quickly finds the place inside of herself that makes her feel like new, and she sighs. Raidou quickly joins her, using his fingers to make her feel full while she strokes the right spot. Yuugao moans, straight from her guts and makes a high-pitched noise when he finally goes in for the kill. It’s like he’s sucked every nerve in her body; like she’s been sucked raw.

She stands up, straight, and watches him take her finger, the one that had been inside of her and suck it while he looks right up into her eyes. He doesn’t really know why he did it, other than it felt like the right thing to do. It is, evidently, because of the way she looks at him like she might kill him if he doesn’t stand up and fuck her brains out. She is biting her lower lip and rubbing her thighs together. Yuugao wasn’t ready to feel any of this, but something in his eyes makes her want to fuck him so well that he keels over, dead.

Raidou stands and keeps himself from laughing at the fact that her dress is still around her waist.

“Here,” he says softly, pulling it up and over her head. He drops it to the ground and watches as she unzips his pants and pulls his penis out. She smiles at the face he makes when she strokes him, and smiles even bigger when he picks her up and she gets to slide him in. So far, she likes how he makes her feel stretched and whole and perfect.

“Fuck,” she says, mouth open on his chin. Raidou smiles as he thrusts up. Yuugao wraps her legs around his waist and her arms around his shoulders, digging her nails into his back so he knows how much she likes him. “I feel so complete.” She’d be embarrassed if it didn’t feel so good.

“I try,” he grunts. She kisses him on the mouth, and slips her tongue in. His top teeth graze it, and then he sucks on it, like he’s desperate.

He does smell. Not bad, but she can see why he would be self-conscious. She pulls away and licks his neck, which makes him go faster. Yuugao feels him in her guts, in her heart, in her brain. She hasn’t had sex this intense in…a very long time. He tucks his face into her neck and holds her close, very close, and everything feels sticky and right, Yuugao moaning in his ear as he thrusts. They’re both sweaty, and she arches her back as he gives and gives, and before he can even think about pulling out, she demands that he come inside of her. _Make me sticky_.

So, he does.

**

Yuugao knows she has it bad when she zones out in a meeting, thinking about how Raidou’s scruff felt on her inner thighs. She came back to attention when everyone is leaving, and she couldn’t recall the last five minutes. Yamato tilted his head and asked her if something was wrong. She shook her head and tried not to think about how pink her face is. She has spent the last week thinking about Raidou’s mouth. She does Kegels, thinking about it. Even worse, her best friend is Yamato, and she can’t exactly tell him that she’s met someone who makes her clench. She’s twitchier, trying not to think of Raidou and inevitably failing, and trying not to get caught thinking him when she fails. She’d say it’s a crush, but those are usually killed rather than nurtured when said crush is finally let inside. And she never really noticed Raidou, until now. He was just one of Hayate’s older friends.

Now, she thinks of his name and her whole body stiffens. The body keeps the score, and all. Her most recent daydream involved him pressing his mouth to the back of her neck, his palm pressed to her stomach… _fuck_. She’s like a woman on the edge.

 _This isn’t good_.

Yuugao walks down the hall, trying to look inconspicuous. She doesn’t know Raidou well, but she knows he works as a bodyguard when he’s in town. She’s trying to look casual, as she looks around the hall leading to Tsunade’s office. _Act normal. You’re here because you want ‘clear the air._ ’ Yuugao breathes in and straightens her back. She has the power.

Raidou is standing at the door of Tsunade’s office, arms crossed. Genma is on the other side, leaning against the wall. They aren’t saying anything to each other, but it’s because they spend all their time together. Genma makes a hand sign, and Raidou immediately looks over. When he makes eye contact with her, she gets some satisfaction from the surprised look on his face. She didn’t ask for his number, nor did she offer him a place to stay. But she would have liked him to have pursued her a little bit.

For his part, Raidou figured he wouldn’t see her again, in the sense that they would avoid each other for around a month and then they could go back to making eye contact. Yuugao walks up to him, and he tries to look at her like he’s never seen her naked. The last thing he needs is for Genma to have a new thing to hang over his head.

“Hi Raidou,” Yuugao says, walking up to him, her arms crossed. “Genma.”

“Tsunade is having lunch,” Genma says, “no one is allowed to see her during her ‘me time.” Genma does air quotes.

“I’m actually here to see Raidou.” She says it with a straight face, so Genma doesn’t guffaw, but he does smirk.

“Oh, Raidou?” he asks. Raidou glares at him, before turning to Yuugao.

“What is it?” he asks Yuugao. She blinks at him, before looking over at Genma, whose expression is downright evil, and back at Raidou.

“Can we speak privately?” she asks. Raidou looks at Genma, who shrugs in response.

“Yeah,” he replies, “we can go on a walk.” He takes her by the elbow, and glares right at Genma when they walk past, and he smirks.

Raidou walks with his hand cupping her elbow until they are out of earshot. He looks back at Genma, who he actually, technically, isn’t allowed to leave alone. Raidou looks back at Genma, clenching his jaw. He plays with the silver ring on his left pinky, and Yuugao realizes that he is actually a little nervous. In the light of day, Yuugao thinks he’s really handsome, even better-looking than in the dark, half-light of her kitchen. _We should fuck with all the lights on_.

“What’s up?” he asks. He thought they had a good time; he definitely did. Now, he’s wondering if he read the situation correctly. Raidou isn’t a hundred percent in love with life, but he does like living and he would rather not be sent to an alternate dimension if he can help it.

“Nothing,” she says. “I just wanted to see you.”

“You wanted to see me,” he repeats, dumbly. “Why?”

“No reason,” Yuugao shrugs. She’s a terrible liar, something that Raidou figures out immediately.

“Cut the bull,” he says, “is this about the other night?” Raidou blinks when he watches Yuugao’s face brighten. It completely changes the dynamic between them. His anxiety dissipates, and gives way to a warm, melty feeling he doesn’t care to name just yet.

“Yes,” she says, “it is.” She steps towards him, staring up into his eyes. “I’d like to see you again.”

“Like a date?” he asks.

“No,” Yuugao hums, “I just want to—”

“Have unprotected sex.” Raidou smiles at the way her face turns pink. It’s very sweet.

“I’m on the pill,” she mutters.

“I figured,” he replies, “although, I have never been with a woman who asked me to make her sticky.” Most women, in his experience, would have wanted him to have at least pulled out. But Yuugao had only pulled him in deeper.

“That’s not even the wildest thing I could come up with,” she counters. Raidou, sensing her weakness, walks right up to her, looking down.

“Come up with something wilder,” he says. A part of him is genuinely curious, the other is just teasing her.

“We’re at work!” Her hiss is sharp, which only amuses him more.

“You came here to ask me to have sex with you.” Raidou isn’t trying to be a dick, but neither is he willing to sit here and pretend that she is here for any other reason. Yuugao frowns at him, which should probably scare him, but he thinks she is pretty cute when she scowls.

“Come over and find out,” she says. She pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket, and hands it to Raidou. “I’m off work at 10 p.m.”

“You still want to see me?” he asks. The truth is that he has been thinking about her too. Yuugao, against her better judgement, looks up right into his eyes, and feels something surge when she sees the same lust that she has for him, staring back at her.

“Please,” she says quietly. Raidou looks like he wants to say something, but Genma clicks his tongue to let him know that they have to get back to work. Raidou’s lip twitches as he looks over at Genma, before turning back to Yuugao.

“Okay,” he says, tucking the paper in his pocket. “I’ll see you later.”

**

When Yuugao was twenty-one, she had a friend who said that her boyfriend had a lot of nerve, having sex with her the way he did. Her friend’s precise words were “the nerve of providing good pipe!” She could never stay mad at said boyfriend, but the sex also made her a little angry because, well, fuck, where had he been all of her life? Who the fuck taught him? Why did he think it was okay to wake up and do her like that and have the nerve to act clueless? Yuugao had always thought that it was a petty complaint, and she fell out of touch with that friend shortly after.

When she first had sex with Raidou, she understood what her friend meant, and she has an amendment to make: “the nerve of providing _consistently_ good pipe!”

Yuugao is staring right into his eyes, moaning as she rolls her hips. He lies back, his thumb on her clit, encouraging her to fuck herself on him. They are both sweaty, and even though she opened a window, they both feel hot all over. Neither have work this morning, so Yuugao put her face in his neck and asked if they could do it, _please_.

They are rolling, rolling, rolling, steady and slow, and he keeps going until they are both spent. He consistently delivers her orgasms, and she’s never had it this good, consistently. Yuugao is still on his dick, looking into his eyes, when Hayate’s dead body flashes under her eyelids and she remembers why she is here.

Raidou is smiling, but it freezes when he sees her frown. “Yuugao?”

“What the fuck was that?” she asks, hitting the pillow beside his head, “what the fuck did you just do to me?”

“What the hell…” Raidou trails off, “what do you mean, _do to you_?” He is a lot of shitty things, but he takes pride in being a good lay. He massages circles into her hips while she shifts around, trying to decide how mad she wants to be.

“Who taught you to be so good at sex?” she asks. Lately, when she isn’t at work, she is on Raidou’s dick. She hasn’t had one, consistent partner since Hayate, and she fears that it is a betrayal to his memory. But it has been lonely going without the consistency and stability of one partner. It doesn’t help that Raidou is just so good at making Yuugao forget how shitty their lives are.

So yes, she is very indignant that Raidou can fuck her as well as he does and then lie there and act like he didn’t just curse her. After him, anyone else would be settling.

“You’re angry because I am good at sex?” he asks, “is this for real?” Yuugao nods. Raidou sighs. “How can I make it up to you?” She frowns at him, because there is really, no way for him to make it up to her. Yuugao sighs and tucks her hair behind her ears, looking down at him. Her bangs are sticking up in weird directions, and he puts a hand up to straighten them out.

“You can’t,” she says, “you just have to live with my anger and resentment.”

“If that means we’re still fucking, I can live with that.” He has the nerve to grin up at her, which is when she finally gets up and goes to the bathroom.

When she comes back, she lies down beside him and licks his scar, in a gesture of forgiveness and adoration.

**

Raidou isn’t stupid—for all of his numerous faults, like his surliness, rigidity, stubbornness, he knows what game Yuugao is playing. He is just a stop on her way to actually having a fulfilling relationship one day. She isn’t over Hayate. While they both may want it to be different, it’s not. He just wonders how long he can do this without deluding himself. He has successfully maintained bachelorhood for seven years now, and he likes the lifestyle. Kurenai tells him that he’s like a stray cat. Raidou can do whatever the fuck he wants, whenever he wants, and he can fuck whoever he wants, because he isn’t bound to one person.

The stray cat comment came one morning when he showed up at her door, unannounced, after he fucked off for two weeks and didn’t tell anyone. Asuma and Aoba watched Kurenai ask him what’s wrong while Genma looked on, like they’re his parents and Asuma and Aoba are his inept stepdad and clueless brother. _I’m concerned about you_ , she had said. _Don’t be_ , had been his reply, with a rice ball in his mouth. Kurenai had frowned and told him not to run off again and Genma, passive aggressive as ever, shrugged.

Raidou picks up a carton of milk and looks at the expiry date. Yuugao stands beside him, holding a basket. He got up this morning and told her that he was going to get milk before going home, and she asked if she could join him. He had shrugged, but on the inside, he glowed. He may not be stupid, but that doesn’t mean he won’t indulge in poor decision making.

“You know, expiry dates are constructs,” she says. Raidou looks at her, head tilted.

“They are educated guesses,” he replies, looking back down at the carton. “Any plans today?”

“None,” she says, “I am free all day.”

“Sounds nice,” he hums, “I’ve got to fix Anko’s toaster. I promised her that she would get it back today.” Raidou places the milk in the basket Yuugao insisted on picking up, next to the apples and cucumber she is picking up for herself.

“A toaster?” she asks. Raidou nods.

“I have no clue how she does it, but she’s always breaking things, and bringing them to me.” Raidou doesn’t resent her for it. He likes fixing things. It brings him a certain peace that he can’t get anywhere else.

“I didn’t know you were so handy,” Yuugao says, “or that you were so close with Anko.” She tries to be inconspicuous, but it’s hard to pull one over on him. Raidou smiles. “What?”

“Nothing,” he says, “Kurenai is the one I used to date, not Anko.” Raidou would never, in a million years, put his dick in Anko. She’s like the kid sister he never wanted. Yuugao feels her tummy drop. She does remember him and Kurenai being a thing. Hayate caught them fooling around once and said that they didn’t even stop; Raidou just told him to get the fuck out.

“Anko’s pretty,” Yuugao says, trying not to think about the positions Hayate might have caught them in. Yuugao doesn’t like to admit to jealousy, because she’s never seen herself as the jealous type, and in this case, she doesn’t want to think about the consequences of its presence. She and Raidou are just having sex and hanging out all the time.

He says nothing for a moment, because he doesn’t like to think about how much her jealousy pleases him. Raidou starts walking towards the cereal, and Yuugao follows, catching up to walk beside him. He looks at her out of the corner of his eye, and he’s noticed that she always looks a little mournful, when she doesn’t think that anyone is paying attention. Right now, he would very much like to touch her, but he doesn’t think he’s allowed to do that in public, not yet.

“Yuugao?” he asks. She turns to look up at him, blinking.

“Yes?” she replies.

“You’re pretty too,” he says, swallowing. She says nothing to him, but she does smile. Opening her mouth as if to say thank you, they are cut off by a delighted squawk. They both swivel their heads in the direction of the noise, only to see a big, chubby baby wiggling and smiling right at Yuugao. There is only about three feet between them and the baby, who is waving, strapped to her mother in a sling. Raidou watches Yuugao’s face light up, as she offers the baby a shy smile and a little wave. Yuugao has these shy, sweet mannerisms that make his teeth ache. Not only that but he feels privileged to know her nastiness as well. She makes him feel real lucky.

“You are a really cute baby,” Yuugao says, the mother looking at her. She rests her hand on top of her baby’s head, smiling.

“Are you saying hi, Haru?” she asks. The baby wiggles, kicking out her legs. Raidou feels his jaw relax when he sees Yuugao smile at the baby. The baby gurgles, and Yuugao tilts her head and presses her hand to Raidou’s arm. They look at each other, before he feels his mouth quirk up. Yuugao turns back to the baby and her mother.

“Hi Haru,” she says softly, “you’re a very sweet baby.”

“Thank you,” Haru’s mother says, smiling the sweet, benevolent way all loving parents do when someone compliments their baby. Yuugao bets Haru smells sweet. Something tugs at her heart, because she gave up on having a baby when Hayate died. She doesn’t think happiness is possible without him.

They both smile and wave, watching Haru and her mother walk away. Yuugao sighs to herself, holding the basket up over her stomach. She straightens her back, and Raidou watches the melancholy return to her face.

“I really like babies,” Yuugao says.

“They’re pretty cute,” Raidou crosses his arms, trying to keep his feelings from leaking out and onto the floor. He has always wanted a family, but he doesn’t think it will pan out for him. He doesn’t have that kind of luck. He can admit that part of his approach to bachelorhood i.e., radical acceptance, is an attempt to protect his ego from how it will feel if he ends up alone.

“Do you want a baby? Like, hypothetically?” she asks.

“With…?” he trails off. Yuugao blushes.

“Anybody. Do you want a baby one day?” she asks. Raidou gives her a hard look, before he gives his answer.

“Yes.” Raidou turns and walks towards the cereal, and Yuugao watches his back for a minute, before following him. 

**

Yuugao sits at the table, eating yogurt and berries, staring into space. Raidou is sipping his coffee, watching her jaw as she chews up the berries, how her throat moves when she swallows. They’ve been spending time together, meeting early in the evening and lingering in the morning. He finds himself wanting to stretch out their time together, so he has started buying the kind of foods she likes. Yogurt, berries, nuts. The kinds of snacky things Anbu personnel are trained to crave.

Raidou stares at the column of her throat, tilting his head a little. “I like how you swallow,” he says, without even thinking. Yuugao blinks, before arching an eyebrow.

“I bet,” she says. Raidou feels his face grow hot as he realizes the implications of his words.

“Not like that,” he says, “I meant, well, I like how your throat looks when you swallow your food.” One thing that Yuugao is learning about Raidou, is that while he can be smooth, he’s also a big, clumsy doofus.

“You like how my throat looks when I swallow,” she hums, “I’ve never gotten that one before.”

“And maybe you’ll never get it again,” he says, standing up. “I’ll keep my weird observations to myself.” Yuugao sets her chin on her fist, smiling.

“Keep ‘em coming, please,” she says, “personally, I like the way your eye twitches when you see a mess. It’s really cute. It’s quick, like a butterfly.” Raidou snorts.

“My eye twitch is like a butterfly?” he asks. Yuugao smiles.

“The prettiest butterfly,” she replies. Raidou has never been compared to a butterfly, and he takes it as a win, tucking the compliment away in his heart. He turns to walk into his kitchen, and Yuugao watches his back, sucking on her spoon. She scolds herself on the inside when she catches herself staring at his ass, having long sucked the spoon clean.

She’s sneaky, so he doesn’t catch her this time. But, she knows that one day he will, and she decides that, when he does, she is just going to smile at him, her desire bare.

**

Something that no one told Yuugao about joining Anbu is that no matter how desensitized you believe you are, there is always something that can stab you in the guts and make you feel both cold and burned alive. When she found Hayate, she had managed to keep it together until she got to the locker room. She picked up her mask and hurled it at the mirror. When neither cracked, due to being reinforced, it made her irrationally angry.

Two and a half years on, she’s been through every stage of grief, including denial and acceptance, at least three times. She goes to grief counselling, where she sits with a nice therapist, a girl her age who was never a shinobi, and they talk about everything but Hayate. Daydream Hayate will, more often than not, stand at the door.

It’s not that Yuugao purposefully resists the therapeutic process, so much as she doesn’t know what she wants to gain. Does she want to move on? Does she want to let go? Does she want to be happy? She knows what Hayate would want: he’d want her to move on, to give up on revenge, to find someone and settle down, have that family he knew she wanted. He would tell her that his murderer has a family, and people who love him. That, if there is anything the shinobi lifestyle has taught them, is that violence begets more violence. There’s a reason that civilians aren’t so fucked up, and it’s because they aren’t expected to hurt other people.

 _What is the nature of grief?_ Raidou once said, completely unprovoked, that, even after fifteen years, it’s still hard to complete hits. He has been sitting at her kitchen table, sipping a beer, while she was drying a plate. As she placed it in the dish rack, he asked her if this was a good or bad thing, that killing never got easier—surely, if he could get used to it, he would feel better, right? Yuugao padded over and took his face in her hands and said that the only murder she ever imagined to be easy would be the bastard who stole Hayate away. Raidou’s face got serious, and he nodded. He didn’t have to say it, but she knew he was thinking of Kurenai and Genma. They are in almost every story of his. _Just because it’d be easy doesn’t mean you should do it_ , he said, turning away from her. Yuugao stood up and looked down at him, before picking her beer up and taking a sip. She doesn’t disagree with him. Between that and Tsunade’s determination to run her into the ground, she hasn’t made good on her vow of revenge.

To answer the above question: grief is a very heavy kind of regret. The kind of regret that binds itself to your soul and drags you down. Or at least, that’s what Yuugao thinks.

It’s 1 a.m., and she is on her phone, searching ‘how to grieve effectively,’ while Raidou snores beside her. They are spending more and more time together, and she’s beginning to…to want to be more effective at grieving, the way that she is able to kill efficiently. If she can treat grief like learning kenjutsu, maybe she can find a way to live with it. Yes, grieving is a skill, one that she must learn to bear the weight of Hayate’s absence. Raidou isn’t the reason so much as the catalyst.

He snores especially loud, and she absentmindedly rubs the crown of his head, while Daydream Hayate sits at the end of the bed. Grief is a non-linear process, and the dead are always in the living. Hayate will always be in her heart, but his Daydream counterpart is around less when Raidou is with her. It’s both a relief and a fright, because while she doesn’t like looking at Daydream Hayate, she isn’t quite ready to say goodbye to him.

She reads a blog post about coping with loss, when Raidou’s head moves under her hand. Not moving her hand, she looks at him as he puts his head up. From the light of her phone and the streetlamps outside, she can see his grumpy sleep face.

“Why are you up?” he asks.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she says, innocently. Daydream Hayate says nothing, standing up. Yuugao watches him intently. She doesn’t think he’s malicious, but she doesn’t want to take any chances.

“What are you looking at?” Raidou sighs, and heaves himself up, turning to look where Daydream Hayate. “I don’t see anything, Yuugao.”

“It’s nothing you can see,” she says, turning to him. “Go back to sleep.”

“Put your phone away first,” he says, “the key to good sleep is sleep hygiene.”

“You’re such an old man,” Yuugao says, setting her phone on the bedside table. Raidou lies on his back, spreading his arms. Yuugao takes the opportunity to lay her head on his chest, let him wrap his arms around her. They lie in silence, as they both realize that this, whatever it is, in all of its thisness, it beginning to turn into something more.

Raidou smooths her hair, comforting her even though nothing bad has happened. Yuugao watches Daydream Hayate walk to the window, looking out of it, before he turns back to her. He looks right into her eyes when he dissipates. She makes an ugly noise and presses her face into Raidou’s chest.

“Yuugao?” he asks, his voice so low that he sounds far away.

“Sorry,” she mumbles. He can tell that she doesn’t want to talk about it, so he looks up at the ceiling, knowing that there are none but desperately wishing for easy answers.

The next morning, he wakes up and she’s still beside him, her face soft and relaxed. He clears her bangs out of her face, and wishes he could go inside of her brain, see whatever she saw last night. He sighs and gets up, putting coffee on, and then showering.

**

It’s not that Raidou and Yuugao are morning people naturally, so much as they have jobs that have, more or less, beaten the habits of being a morning person into them. Raidou is usually up by seven, and Yuugao wakes up whenever he gets up. He has a meeting this morning, so he woke up at six, because he gets anxious about missing morning meetings, even if they are during regular working hours.

He made breakfast while Yuugao showered, and she did the dishes when he went for his own shower. Raidou forgot to take his toothbrush with him, so he ends up brushing his teeth after, walking into his bedroom, a towel around his waist, trying to list all the things he needs to do to be a person today, when he sees Yuugao making his bed. She’s wearing a pair of panties and her sleepshirt, which is just one of a big, ugly tourist t-shirt Kurenai got him from Suna. It features a dancing cactus with a deranged grin on its face. Apparently, Genma helped her pick it out.

Yuugao turns to smile at him, putting her hands on her hips. Raidou swallows his toothpaste and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Yuugao blinks.

“Did you just swallow your toothpaste?” she asks.

“I buy the kind that’s safe to swallow,” he says, “not that it’s a habit.” Yuugao shrugs and fluffs a pillow on what is now her side of the bed.

“You didn’t have to do that,” he says, setting his toothbrush on his dresser.

“Do what?” she asks.

“Make the bed,” he waves a hand in its direction as he opens a drawer.

“Well, you don’t have to wear a towel when it’s just us,” she replies. Raidou looks at her, blinking.

“Are you coming on to me?” he asks. Yuugao is a sweetheart, for all the nasty things they do. The best part is that these two pieces of Yuugao peacefully co-exist. She grins.

“Maybe, maybe not,” she says, “I just put on a nice pair of underwear, so it could go either way.”

“Either way, huh.” Raidou turns back to his dresser. “You can keep that shirt, by the way.”

“Like, I can take it home?” she asks.

“Get that ugly shirt out of my sight,” he says, “Kurenai and Genma bought it as a sick joke.”

“Kurenai and Genma are in so many of your stories,” Yuugao says, picking nonexistent lint from her shirt. She knows that Genma is his best friend and Kurenai his former teammate, but Yuugao still feels a pang when she thinks about other people knowing him for longer than she has. _And Kurenai was his first love, and she’s so pretty too_. Yuugao is very pretty, but anyone would feel insecure next to Kurenai. 

“Jealous?” he asks, opening a drawer.

“No,” she says softly. It does make her wonder whether or not he speaks about her with the same affection. Genma and Kurenai get all of Raidou’s softness, and it makes Yuugao feel…okay, a little jealous. She plays with the hem of the old t-shirt, while Raidou gets his clothes out for the day.

He’s humming to himself, having, apparently, forgotten about their conversation. His meeting is at 9:30 a.m., so he has over two hours to get there. “Are you going to the tower this morning?” he asks, turning to look at her. “Yuugao?”

“Huh?” she tilts her head.

“Are you going in to work this morning?” he asks. Yuugao shakes her head.

“It’s my day off,” she replies. Raidou nods.

“I’ll leave a key. Lock up when you leave.” He looks around for his silver rings, slipping them onto his hands first. Yuugao watches his bare back, tilting her head at an old bruise. It looks like South America. _We should go to Brazil_. He promised to think about it, but she’s pretty sure he’s forgotten, or it has been put on a fourth string to do list.

Yuugao pulls the shirt over her head and leaves it on the floor, and pads up behind Raidou, who isn’t expecting her arms around his waist or her nipples pressed into his back.

“Now, I’m coming onto you,” Yuugao presses her mouth to his back. Raidou sighs.

“We have twenty minutes, for everything.” He actually has forty, but he doesn’t want to risk getting lost inside of Yuugao. The last thing he wants to deal with is Genma asking him pointed questions about his morning.

“I just want you inside me,” she hums, “I don’t even need an orgasm.”

“What?” he asks, turning around. Yuugao smiles.

“Being close is enough for me,” she says, reaching up for him. Raidou sighs into her mouth as she undoes his towel and pulls him back to the bed. She lies back and pulls her panties down over her hips, and Raidou pulls them off of her legs. He moves over her, and she gets up on her elbows to kiss him. She wraps her legs around his waist, grinning when she feels him harden.

The sexiest thing about Yuugao, if Raidou were forced to choose, is her softness. Sex with her is always vulnerable. She forces him open, even though she’s the receptive partner. Raidou kisses her neck while she strokes him. He moans into her neck and she laughs.

“You’re a tease,” he says.

“I know,” she replies, “but I won’t tease you for long.” She cracks her hips apart and he sinks into her, and they make eye contact the whole time. He presses his forehead to hers and bites his lower lip. When he hits bottom, he stays still. “You’re so beautiful,” she says in a quiet voice, touching his scar. It makes something inside of him thump, and he opens his mouth, unsure of what to say.

“You think I’m pretty?” he asks. Yuugao nods.

“Yes. I think you’re very pretty. Even when you’re not inside of me,” she smiles, pressing her tummy to his.

“Right,” he says, moving. Yuugao arches up to meet him, and she moans when things finally begin to connect. He moves up and through her, and for five minutes, they just enjoy being together, free from the desperate pursuit of orgasm. It just feels nice to move though Yuugao, the way that it is nice to receive Raidou.

Yuugao moans, and moves a hand between her legs, looking up at Raidou with lust, the bottomless kind that he has grown to expect from her. _I am going to want you forever_. Raidou doesn’t imagine this ending, but she resists his attempts to make it official. It confuses him, that they have the kind of sex where she pretty much peels her skin back and cracks open her ribcage, but she won’t hold his hand in public. He chooses to stop thinking about it, looking in to backs of her eyes instead.

Raidou has the rare gift of being able to make Yuugao feel truly seen. Like, she always feels exposed to him, and she doesn’t mind, because he accepts what he sees. He doesn’t want her to be different, or undamaged. He sees her for all of her faults and wants her anyway. She’s touching herself, but Raidou is reaching every spot she likes and is making her feel full. Not just physically—he makes her feel emotionally full. Satisfaction is the word.

They are breathing on each other, mouths open, foreheads pressed together. They are both a little sweaty but neither of them care. She’s pinned beneath him and it feels good, having him loom over her like a protector. It’s rare, meeting a man who makes her feel safe. Hayate did, and Raidou does. She clings to him even more. She says things like ‘more,’ and ‘please,’ and ‘yes,’ and ‘don’t stop’ right into his mouth, and he swallows them and makes them all a part of him. Yuugao snatches her orgasm first, while Raidou watches, and then follows.

They didn’t even mess up the bed, and Raidou gets to work on time.

**


	2. Before Common Era Part II

“You got me all up in my feels, in all kind of ways”

Ariana Grande, “nasty”

Months pass—not a lot, but enough that when Raidou asks if it’s still alright if they sleep with other people, Yuugao looks at him like he’s grown another head and he backtracks, saying that he was just curious. But exclusivity doesn’t mean that there are any social dimensions to their relationship. They haven’t told their friends, and they make excuses for their scarcity: work is a big one. That’s not to say that insecurity never asserts itself. It’s just that Yuugao and, to a lesser extent, Raidou, is too proud to admit to it.

Raidou stands next to Kurenai in the grocery store, frowning at the dented can of chickpeas. It’s a deep dent, right in the side. He rubs his thumb over it, sighing.

“Do you think I should buy it and just throw it away?” he asks.

“I am sure if you point it out to a clerk, they’ll take it off the shelf,” Kurenai replies, looking for a particular brand of canned tuna. “No one benefits from botulism.”

“Who left it on the shelf?” Raidou says, snarky. Kurenai makes a _hmm_ in her throat, looking at her options. They were each other’s first big ones, but they are just good friends now. He has been scarce these last few months, so they are doing errands together to catch up. Kurenai has been telling him all about her genin, who are now chunnin, something she says with pride. Before he found the can, she was telling him about how Shino and Hinata were planning a nice surprise for Kiba’s birthday. It involves cake, something Kurenai doesn’t like but will eat on special occasions. Speaking of…

“It was probably an honest mistake,” Kurenai says, “and you know what I just remembered?”

“What?” Raidou asks.

“You’re turning thirty-five this year,” she says, smiling with all her teeth. Raidou drops the can into his basket, deciding to buy it and throw it away.

“So?” he asks.

“So?” she replies, “so, are how are we going to celebrate it?” Raidou opens his mouth to reply, but then they hear a throat clear, and Raidou turns to see Yuugao standing there, looking embarrassed.

“Hi,” she says, “you’re standing in front of the chickpeas.” Instead of backing away, Raidou takes a can and passes it to her, their fingers brushing. Kurenai doesn’t notice, something that he is grateful for. She would ask the kinds of questions about his feelings that he in uncomfortable thinking about. He can see it now: _what do you mean, she doesn’t want people to know?_ Kurenai would look at him, disappointed, and then get Genma and Asuma’s opinions, who would then talk to Aoba and Kakashi, who would get Anko, Shizune and Guy involved, and soon it would be a _thing_.

But that’s only if Kurenai finds out. The guys can keep a secret and Anko isn’t a fucking snitch, that is, she wouldn’t snitch to Kurenai unless there was something in it for her, and there is absolutely no one who wins when the only person in the world who knows him well enough to ask him what the _fuck_ he’s doing with someone who acts like he’s never been inside of her in public, actually poses that question. If he’s especially evasive, she probably won’t phrase it anymore diplomatically.

Now, Yuugao knows that Raidou and Kurenai are long over. He’s basically said as much, and he greets her texts with the same mild irritation he reserves for Genma. Yuugao has seen how Kurenai looks at Asuma, how they walk so close that their hands brush. That doesn’t mean that something in her gut doesn’t twist when she saw Raidou and Kurenai standing in the aisle, smiling at each other. Yuugao doesn’t even really like chickpeas, she just wanted to get close. _Fuck_.

Kurenai cocks her hip and smiles at Yuugao. “Did you know that Raidou is turning thirty-five this year?” Yuugao and Raidou both blink at her. Of course, Yuugao knows how old he is, and they both know that ten years isn’t a small age gap, but they’ve never talked about it nor had it laid down in such blunt terms.

“Thirty-five,” Yuugao hums, “you must be excited.” Raidou does his best to remain neutral in Kurenai’s presence.

“Thrilled,” he deadpans. “Kurenai, why are you bringing up my birthday?”

“Because it’s a milestone. Don’t you agree, Yuugao?” She blinks when she realizes that Kurenai expects a sincere response.

Now that he looks at her, Raidou thinks that Yuugao’s face looks tight, like she’s trying very hard to look nonchalant. He doesn’t say anything, instead, waiting for her answer.

“It seems to me that it’s just a shitty prequel to forty,” Yuugao says, looking just past Kurenai.

“I agree,” he says, “and I want to ring in forty by buying a gravesite in the cemetery.” Kurenai sighs loudly, while Yuugao’s lip twitches. She realizes that he said it thoughtlessly, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. They aren’t in love, but she would be a fool to not acknowledge that they are well on their way, and if anything were to happen to him…

“You are such an asshole,” Kurenai says, “I just want to do something nice for you.” Raidou shrugs.

“You don’t have to be nice to me,” he says, “I kind of like it when you bully me, actually. It turns my crank.” He grins at the face Kurenai makes, and it makes Yuugao feel unsure of herself. She begins trying to calculate how she can extricate herself from this particular social interaction.

“You like me at my worst,” Kurenai smiles up at Raidou with the kind of affection you reserve for someone who has seen your softest parts.

“Well,” Yuugao says, “I need to get going.” She steps around Kurenai, walking without waving or saying goodbye.

“That was weird,” Kurenai says, “wasn’t it?” Raidou sucks back all of the saliva in his mouth, working his jaw. In all honesty, it was weird. He didn’t think that she liked him enough to get weird around Kurenai.

“Yeah,” he says, “weird, huh?” He pokes his tongue into his cheek, and Kurenai frowns at the faraway look in his eyes.

“Raidou?”

“It’s nothing,” he says, face relaxing. “C’mon, let’s buy this botulism and we can go get lunch.” He keeps an eye out, but he doesn’t see Yuugao until later that day.

**

Today, Yuugao cried in therapy. She’s not proud of it, but when she let it slip that she’s been kind of seeing someone, her therapist asked if she was ready to talk about Hayate. Yuugao twisted a lock of hair around a finger and shook her head, but today, her therapist pushed her and well…she just started bawling. Daydream Hayate stood by the door, arms crossed, an unsure look on his face. That made it worse, and Yuugao asked to leave early. Sometimes counselling feels like a relief but today it feels like a trauma. Raidou has reopened a part of her she thought to be long dead, and it’s been hard to admit that she isn’t this cold, dead girl, not at all, not like she was pretending to be with the others.

Her face is still pink and puffy, her eyes rimmed in red. The secretary looks at her with sympathy, and Yuugao hopes she doesn’t run into anyone she knows. She is given the slip and tucks it into her pocket, her head down, trying to get out this office. She looks up, and reflexively smiles when she sees Anko, who lights up, even though she doesn’t know her very well.

“Hi Yuugao!” Anko says, acting like Yuugao doesn’t look like she’s been crying.

“Hey,” Yuugao sniffs, “how are you?”

“Honestly?” Anko asks pointedly. Her hands are tucked into her pockets, and Yuugao eyes the door, which opens, Aoba poking his head in.

“Anko!” He sticks an arm in, holding a Red Bull, shaking it for her. Anko grins, reaching for the drink. Yuugao watches the two of them smile at each other, like they are having a whole conversation without words. He doesn’t clarify whether or not Anko forget the Red Bull, or if he saw it and bought it for her, unprompted. Raidou once complained that people gave him and Kurenai shit for being affectionate, but no one ever said anything about Aoba and Anko. _The two of them are way weirder_ , he said, and well, she agrees with him. 

“Thanks Aoba,” Anko says, “look who I ran into!” Aoba turns to look at Yuugao, stepping into the office. He too, doesn’t comment on her face.

“Hi Yuugao,” he says, smiling. He wears sunglasses everywhere, and she can’t recall ever seeing him without them. Hayate once mentioned that Aoba has very kind, expressive eyes, like a baby deer. Seeing Aoba’s eyes is an accomplishment up there with seeing Kakashi without the mask, so it’s not something Hayate would forget or make up.

“Are you two here together?” she asks. Aoba shakes his head as Anko opens her Red Bull.

“No, Anko just gets crabby without her afternoon caffeine fix,” Aoba says, like it’s completely reasonable for him to take care of a grown woman like she’s a baby.

“And I’m going to drink wine with Shizune later,” Anko says, “hey, Yuugao, you should come!”

Yuugao opens her mouth to respond, but Aoba speaks first.

“What about me?” he whines. Anko gives him a grumpy look, like this is the billionth time they’ve had this conversation.

“Because Shizune and I are going to talk about dicks, and you’ll be in the way,” Anko says, “it sucks that Kurenai won’t be there, but having you there would just be another blow to the evening.”

“It’s weird how interested you and Shizune are in Kurenai saying the same five things about Asuma and Raidou’s dicks,” Aoba sounds grumpy, and Anko glares at him.

“Well, good thing you’re not invited!” Anko hisses, “besides, Shizune and I fuck around, and that’s what we talk about.”

“Hm, what’s worse, knowing what Asuma and Raidou are packing or the details of all your questionable sexual encounters?” Aoba says, “Yuugao, what do you think?” Anko’s cheeks puff up, and before Yuugao can respond, she hits back.

“Once again, you weren’t invited, Aoba,” she turns to Yuugao, “so, do you have plans?”

Yuugao hasn’t seen Raidou in a week. She sent him a dirty picture last night, and she was hoping to see him tonight. Her ideal night, after this horrendous day, would be to have sex and then spend the rest of their time listening to all the things that happened to him that week. She could listen to him talk about pretty much everything, including all the boring things he does—like, what does she think about regular v. organic? Is olive oil a scam? Is there laundry detergent that smells completely neutral? Is he ever going to find the granola bars he likes?

She also sent him a really good picture, and she would love to know his opinion, other than the boilerplate dirty-pictures-aren’t-safe-in-the-age-of-the-internet. He left her on read, which is how she knows that she made him speechless.

That said, she is looking at Anko, who seems so excited to see her, and while they aren’t friends, it can’t hurt to try and makes new ones. Besides, they're Raidou’s friends, and she’d like for them to see her as someone other than Hayate’s girlfriend.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Yuugao says, smiling. “Where and what time?” Anko beams and takes out her phone to text Yuugao the details.

  
**

_I want to fuck your soul_. If the picture hadn’t done him in, it would have been the caption. Raidou had been at Genma’s place, drinking beer and sitting with Aoba and Asuma and waiting for the right time to leave and make it look as though none of them realize that Genma and Anko are banging. He had been sitting beside Asuma, who was talking to Aoba, when his phone buzzed and he opened it to, well, _that_. He’s seen her naked but it’s different when someone sends a picture—he’s not sure how to articulate it, but it felt so good he couldn’t even respond. He just put his phone back in his pocket and didn’t say anything.

Then, when he got home and looked at it again, he reread the caption and felt a tingle up his spine. He’s thought about it while he brushes his teeth, when he’s eating, when he’s in the shower, and all day at work. He’ll just look into the distance or he will check his phone and think about how Yuugao wants to fuck his soul and send him nasty pictures.

Raidou checks his phone again, staring at the caption while Genma is staring at different shampoos, trying to remember what Anko likes without telling Raidou that’s what he’s doing. He knows Genma suspects something, since Yuugao leaves bobby pins and lip balm all around his place, and there is shampoo that smells like coconut in his shower and a second toothbrush. It’s why Raidou hasn’t invited anyone over, but Genma, who doesn’t ask questions, but definitely observes and smirks when he points out a stray bobby pin or holds up a tube of strawberry lip balm. Raidou looks at the picture and feels hot all over his body.

“What’re you looking at?” Genma asks. Raidou tucks his phone back into his pocket and shrugs.

“Nothing.”

“You’ve been staring at your phone all day,” Genma says, “and you left early last night.” Raidou could lie, but he doesn’t like doing that to Genma and well, he wants someone to _know_.

“A girl sent me a picture,” he mutters. Genma grins, his hands on his hips.

“If that technology existed when you were with Kurenai, she’d have blown up your phone so bad that’d you’d be immune,” Genma says, knowing better than to ask anymore questions. It’s best to let Raidou offer details, rather than poke around.

“She’s more into having dirty pictures than sending them,” Raidou says, not elaborating on how he knows this. Genma makes a face, twisting his mouth up.

“That is too much information,” he says, “do you think she collects them like trading cards?”

“If you really didn’t want to talk about it, you wouldn’t have asked that question,” Raidou deadpans. “Besides, she’s only really been with me and Asuma.” There were a few others, but he can’t see her taking pictures of men she’s with once or twice. She likes emotional intimacy too much.

“Gotta fuck them all I guess,” Genma says flippantly.

“That’s not funny or true,” Raidou snorts.

“It kinda is,” Genma says, “but it’d be funnier if she actually had worked her way through our group.”

“She’d never fuck Aoba or Kakashi,” Raidou says, glad to no longer be thinking about Yuugao’s message. “You? She might go there.”

“I’d never,” Genma says, “she’s not my type.” She’s not Anko, which is what he’s really trying to say. Raidou says nothing, looking at the shelf in front of them.

“What’re you looking for again?” he asks.

“Shampoo,” Genma replies, looking away. Raidou says nothing, looking down the aisle. For some reason, skincare is right next to haircare, and he spots the body oil Yuugao likes—it’s neroli, so it smells sweet to the point of being bitter. Without thinking, he picks up a bottle, knowing the one in his bathroom is low.

“What’s that?” Genma asks.

“It’s body oil,” Raidou says, “Yuugao likes it.”

He said it without thinking, but when he looks up, he sees Genma looking at him in a deliberately neutral way i.e., Genma has some thoughts about Raidou fucking Yuugao, but he doesn’t want to give them away.

“Yuugao?” Genma asks. Raidou sets the bottle back on the shelf and presses his lips together.

“The one and only,” he mutters.

“Hayate’s girlfriend,” Genma says. Raidou doesn’t say anything. It bothers him too, but he is also very into Yuugao, and she’s into him. _She wants to fuck my soul_.

“You make it sound like she’s cheating,” Raidou says, tucking his hands into his pockets. “He’s dead.” Genma says nothing or a long minute, before speaking.

“Yeah, I know.” They don’t say anything as Genma picks up shampoo that smells like spearmint and says that they should get going.

**

She doesn’t know what she expected, but Yuugao didn’t think that Anko and Shizune would take her to a wine bar. Yuugao didn’t even know such a place existed in Konoha, but, on the other hand, why would she? She’s frequently out of town, and when she isn’t, she’s either with Yamato, her parents, or Raidou. She barely sees her civilian friends anymore, and they’re all getting married; they don’t have time to go out and get drunk anymore.

So, in many ways, Yuugao is happy to be out with Shizune and Anko. It’s nice to go out drinking with other women. She can’t talk about some things with Yamato, and well, Raidou would be the object of her discussion.

“He ate me out until I came three times,” Anko says, “I thought that I, no lie, saw god or something.” Yuugao smirks while Shizune rolls her eyes.

“Lucky,” Shizune says, “I never get time off of work. I only ever see the guys, and I don’t want to fuck any of them.” 

“You don’t even want to know what Kakashi looks like without the mask?” Anko asks.

“He probably wears it during sex,” Shizune says, as Anko sips her wine. Anko nearly spits it out at the image, covering her mouth just in time. Yuugao smiles and sips her own wine, looking around the dim bar. She figures he’s out with the guys, but she keeps hoping that Raidou shows up. She hasn’t seen him in a week, because of their conflicting schedules and she was too proud to call him when she got home from grief counselling. Not for the first (or last) time, Yuugao regrets being so proud.

“Looking for someone?” Yuugao turns her head to look at Anko, who is smirking at her. Shizune is smiling, her eyes soft and kind, while Anko looks like she wants to ask an invasive question.

“Maybe,” Yuugao hums, noncommittal. At least Daydream Hayate isn’t here. Lately, he is in bed beside her, when she wakes up without Raidou.

“Maybe isn’t a no,” Anko says, looking at Shizune, who rolls her eyes.

“Are you seeing anyone?” she asks Yuugao as if she is her mother. Yuugao pauses, and Anko grins.

“You’re definitely fucking someone,” she purrs, “who?”

“Not even Yamato knows,” Yuugao saws demurely, “and he’s my best friend.”

“He’s a man. I can guarantee that he doesn’t care as much as we do,” Anko says. “It’s definitely not Asuma or Aoba. But it could be anyone else.”

“Do you think Genma’s pretty?” Shizune asks. Anko’s lip twitches, and it strikes Yuugao that she never said who, exactly, made her come three times.

“Maybe she likes Kakashi, she’s Anbu after all,” Anko says, like Yuugao isn’t sitting right there.

“Raidou’s cute,” Shizune says, “and he fucks around.” Yuugao blushes, which is when Shizune and Anko know they’re close.

“So, is it one of them?” Anko asks. Yuugao presses her lips together and shakes her head.

“No,” she says softly, “he’s not one of your friends.”

“They suck anyway,” Anko says, “and they whine all the time.” Shizune gives Yuugao a knowing look, like she is her mother, before speaking.

“Raidou’s nice,” she says, “he once made Kurenai come five times over the course of a day.” Anko giggles, while Shizune watches Yuugao’s face.

“I forgot about that,” Anko says, “didn’t they do that when they housesat for Genma’s parents?”

“Right on the living room carpet,” Shizune says, “Genma came home early and walked in on them, and they didn’t stop.” Yuugao finds the image very intrusive, even though she’s never seen Kurenai and Raidou have sex and she’s never seen the inside of Genma’s parents’ house. Raidou, on top of Kurenai, thrusting up, up, while she tells him not to stop, don’t stop, or else. How he’d look into her eyes when she comes, like she’s the only girl in the world, for the fifth time, even when Genma walks in. Yuugao takes a large sip of her wine, trying to drown the image that is simultaneously arousing and distressing.

“Do you remember the time Aoba and I walked in on his parents?” Anko asks, “he swore so loud, and his mom actually said, I shit you not, ‘how do you think we made you?” Shizune makes a choking noise, and Yuugao’s jaw drops. “Aoba and his dad just stared at her, with her tits out because she doesn’t believe in wearing a bra, for a solid two minutes.” Anko laughs, “man, that woman is a living legend.”

“Aoba’s parents are honestly, the only two old people I can imagine still having sex,” Shizune says, “even if everyone’s parents were alive.” They are the only couple any of them know who haven’t fallen into the indifference that comes with aging and raising children together. Aoba’s mother never seemed to care what the other mothers thought of her—her hair is always a little messy, and she sometimes wears mismatched earrings, and she carries a giant tote bag with books around town. She can’t really cook, and Aoba’s dad does most of the cleaning, but they have always been very in love and they raised Aoba with the kind of emotional security that allows him to trust others fairly easily, despite his career. Shizune is kind of jealous, truth be told. They all are.

“So, Yuugao,” Anko says, “do you see yourself sucking the dick of the guy you’re seeing for the rest of your life?”

“Well…” Yuugao trails off. She’s never thought about it like that—she gave up on happily ever after when Hayate was put in the ground. “I haven’t thought about it.”

“Does the dick suck that bad?” Anko asks, “you’re really pretty. You can do better.” Anko sips her wine, and Shizune looks at Yuugao like she can see inside of her brain. Yuugao feels a little indignant on Raidou’s behalf, because he, emphatically, does not suck in bed. She doesn’t want to spread her personal business, but she won’t let slander exist.

“Actually, the sex is great,” Yuugao says, “I kind of resent him for it.” It’d make things easier if he were just okay.

“Wow,” Anko says, “I haven’t heard that one before—dick so good that you resent him for it. Now, I really want to know who he is.” Yuugao shrugs.

“But if you know who he is, you might steal him away,” she says, sipping her wine. Anko and Shizune say nothing, but they both grin like there’s blood in the water. 

**

It’s Aoba who calls them all; he’s upset that Anko didn’t include him, so he’s decided that they’re going to all do something together. Raidou sits back and watches Aoba frown at the Monopoly board, while Kakashi holds out his hand, patiently waiting for a stack of rainbow bills.

“How the fuck did you do that?” Aoba sighs, scratching his jaw.

“Capitalist enterprise,” Kakashi deadpans, “I’m waiting.”

“I’m going broke…” Aoba mutters, while Genma sighs loudly.

“Monopoly is only fun with Guy,” he says. Guy is the only one who has ever, consistently, beat Kakashi as this game. He’s not even a dick about it. Guy just knows how to invest wisely.

“He’s on a date,” Aoba says, “I believe me, I tried to talk him out of it.”

“You did?” Asuma asks, “wow, you are a real asshole.” Asuma and Raidou never play, because they are both aware that they aren’t that smart, not like Aoba (who, for all his intelligence, is always fucked over by Kakashi or Guy). Genma plays, just because you can’t play with two people. He doesn’t care, either way.

“Who’d have thought that Anko would be someone’s moral compass?” Raidou asks. Aoba glares at him as he hands Kakashi a wad of crumpled paper.

The bar they frequent has lots of boardgames, and somehow, Monopoly is the only one with all of its pieces. They’ve been playing this for years, same board too, so they think it’s very funny that it is still whole, considering all the shit that has happened since they turned legal.

“I can’t believe she ditched me for fucking Shizune and Yuugao,” Aoba says, “she isn’t even friends with Yuugao!” Raidou perks up. He finally replied to Yuugao’s message— _I’m busy tonight_. She sent another dirty picture, captioned _I’m busy anyway_ and he hasn’t responded. A part of him is relieved to know where she is, but he is also a little annoyed that she didn’t try harder to change his mind about going out.

“Yuugao’s cool,” Kakashi says offhandedly. She and Yamato (Kakashi only respects Tenzou’s wish for Kakashi to use his codename in his mind and when Tenzou isn’t around) spend a lot of time together, and when Kakashi ever needs a free meal and he hits up Yamato, she’s usually there. She’s still not over Hayate, but she’s been acting more herself recently.

“Didn’t she date Hayate?” Asuma asks. Genma looks right at Raidou, who clenches his jaw and says nothing.

“Yeah,” Kakashi says. Raidou thinks about the pictures she has sent him, and he feels a little bit guilty. _Sorry for fucking your soulmate, Hayate_. “It’s like she’s been stuck on the worst thing that ever happened to her.” So many bad things have happened to him, that Kakashi cannot decisively choose which one is the worst. It’s a competitive field. “She hasn’t dated since.”

“Hayate would want her to be happy,” Asuma says, “he’s a good guy.” He pauses for a second, before continuing. “I’d want Kurenai to be happy.”

“What, are you planning on dying?” Aoba says as his lip twitches. “You’re the biggest of all of us! Hauling your ass home would be fucking annoying.” Asuma snorts, sipping his beer. They all fall into silence, and Raidou looks around the bar, out of habit. He isn’t blind—he still notices girls. He just doesn’t act on it. All this talk of Hayate makes him wish he could just go pick up a girl. But he doesn’t want to, which is an ill omen of things to come.

Feeling his mood turning, he decides to leave early. “I want to go home,” Raidou says, pulling out his wallet. He can think of an appropriate way to respond to Yuugao’s picture, maybe rub one out, probably both.

“You found a girl that quickly?” Aoba asks, “you usually wait until last call.”

“I’m abstaining,” Raidou says, pulling out a few bills.

“You haven’t picked a girl up in a few months,” Genma says, crossing his arms. Raidou frowns, because two can play at this game.

“So? Neither have you.” Raidou feels a little better when he sees Genma stick out his lower lip.

“You could cut the sexual tension with a knife,” Aoba says, making a downward motion with his arm stuck out straight, as if it were the blade of a knife.

“Nope, I’m just chaste,” Raidou says, “leading a life of dignity and restraint.”

“Dignity and restraint?” Kakashi says, blinking lazily.

“Can’t have dignity when you’re balls deep in a stranger,” Raidou says, standing up.

“We don’t even get a name?” Asuma asks, cigarette hanging from his mouth. He doesn’t understand why Raidou is so touchy, especially with him, of all people.

“Why, so you can wait your turn?” Aoba snarks. Asuma gives him the middle finger, to which Aoba puts his hands up in a gesture of innocence. “I just think it’d be funny if your type was just whoever Raidou plows through first.”

“You’re such a dick when Anko isn’t around,” Raidou says, standing up for Asuma.

“Are you going to give us a name?” Kakashi asks, looking up at him. They all look at him then, blinking and waiting patiently. Raidou opens his mouth and almost, _almost_ says that he has been with Yuugao for the last few months and that she has shown him a peace he never knew he could have.

But he can’t, and this sours his mood almost immediately. “First name Fuck. Middle name You. Surname All.” Raidou says before turning away. Everyone immediately turns to Genma, who shrugs.

“I guess he really likes her,” Genma says, “who has the dice?” Aoba wordlessly passes it to him, and he rolls a four.

**

It doesn’t surprise Yuugao when she discovers that Anko can drink her and Shizune under the table. She stumbles home, letting herself into her apartment. She drops her purse on the ground, then turns around once, twice, in the doorway. She doesn’t want to be alone, not tonight. She uses the bathroom while she’s home, and she brushes her teeth. When she’s finished, Yuugao picks her purse up off the floor, and locks the door behind her, as she heads back out into the night.

Konoha has the prettiest stars, and Yuugao looks up at them as she walks along the deserted streets. Raidou lives in a residential area, a place with a grocery store on the corner and lots of young families and old people. He told her that he likes that his neighbors are mostly civilian and that there is no noise after 9 p.m. It makes him feel _normal_.

He lives on the fourth floor of a walk up, his apartment facing the street. All of his windows are dark. Yuugao thinks about knocking on the door and waking him up, but she’s Anbu. She walks up the stairs, and then takes out a pen and paper to create a seal, slipping it under his front door and then using a space-time jutsu to enter without unlocking the door. She wiggles to herself, a drunken sort of happy dance, before taking off her shoes and placing them on the shoe rack.

She moves carefully, knowing that he doesn’t always sleep very well, quietly opening his bedroom door. He’s on his back, snoring away, and she smiles to herself before entering. She’s drunk and in a goofy sort of mood; there isn’t much she wouldn’t find sweet or amusing or both.

“Raidou,” she says softly, “wake up.” Yuugao pads to his bed and sits beside him. He makes a funny noise in his sleep, like he’s trying to wake up but can’t. “Baby,” she says softly, placing a hand on his cheek. She rubs the edge of his scar on the bridge of his nose, and his lip twitches, before he finally blinks awake.

Before he sees her, he smells her body lotion, so he isn’t completely caught off guard. He sighs loudly, not even bothering to sit up.

“How did you even get in here?” he asks, skipping the pleasantries. He’s in a mood after tonight and he would rather not deal with Yuugao’s emotional limitations.

“There are no locked doors if you’re in Anbu,” she says, “but if you must know, I slipped a seal under your door and used a jutsu.”

“Hmm,” he says, “well, I’m tired.”

“I know,” she says, running her hand through his hair.

“I don’t have the energy for sex,” he says. He’s sure he could get it up, but he’s been in kind of a bad mood since Asuma asked why he wouldn’t give them a name, and he realized he couldn’t tell anyone that he has met someone he really likes. Well, he kind of told Genma, but that doesn’t count, not really, and two dirty pictures, no matter how good, can only do so much. Yuugao frowns, concerned.

“You seem grumpy,” she says, “why are you in a mood?”

“Because…” he sighs, trying to think of how to gesture towards it without getting into it. “My friends have noticed that I’m not sleeping around. They asked questions.”

“And you didn’t say anything?” she asks.

“Obviously not,” he grunts. Yuugao pulls her hand back and watches him roll onto his side.

“May I stay here tonight?” she asks.

“What do you mean?” he responds with another question. Yuugao stands up and begins to undress. Raidou turns around and watches her when he hears the buckle of her skirt hit the floor. He watches her tits bounce when she unclasps her bra, the sight of her back as she bends over like a diver to take her underwear off. “You haven’t answered the question,” he says. Yuugao gets under the comforter, grateful to be in a warm bed rather than her own.

“I just want to sleep next to you and press my skin to yours.” Yuugao presses herself right up to his back. She feels Raidou’s big sigh as he lies back down.

“M’okay,” he says into his pillow, “you can stay here then.”

“You’re such a big baby,” Yuugao says softly, before placing her mouth on his shoulder. Raidou doesn’t answer her, as he falls back asleep.

Tomorrow morning, he shows her just how those pictures made him feel.

**

Yuugao’s nipples are stiff and aching, and if she didn’t have a hand between her legs and the other splayed below the base of Raidou’s throat, she would probably be pinching them. _Fuck_ , she thinks, _fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck_. She never wants this to stop. She might even kill Raidou if he finishes. _If we do this forever, than nothing bad will ever happen to us. Don’t you want that too?_ Yuugao looks down into Raidou’s eyes, and moans when he looks back up at her, his mouth open.

They are in the living room at her parents’ place. Said parents went away for the weekend and asked her to come over and feed the cat. Yuugao asked Raidou if he’d come with her, and he agreed because he had nothing better to do.

Yuugao’s parents still live in her childhood home. Raidou wasn’t surprised to see ribbons and perfect report cards all over the fridge, or the cute baby pictures. Yuugao is pretty much perfect. He sat on the couch, flipping through the tv guide, which her father still subscribes to, and waits for her to be finished with the cat.

As for how they ended up here, well, it started how it usually does. Yuugao sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, and instead of telling him what they are doing, exactly, she kisses him and hopes that he will figure it out. He unbuttons the front of her dress, as she sighs into his mouth. He isn’t ready for the way she takes her entire dress off, stretching her body into a line as she pulls it over her head. When it ends up on the floor, they stare at each other. Some of her hair is stuck to her lip gloss, and Raidou doesn’t say anything as he lifts a hand to her lips and brushes those few hairs away with his thumb. When she takes his thumb in her mouth, it strikes him that he hasn’t met either of her parents outside of work.

He dismisses the thought when Yuugao leans forward and pulls his sweater over his head. Soon his pants are unzipped and her underwear is pulled to the side, and well, here they are. He looks up at her, the long line that starts behind her belly button and ends at her sternum, stitching her abdomen together. She didn’t wear a bra today, so there are no little red marks on her ribcage, nothing between her and him.

True, her hand is pretty much at his throat, but he’s been in more compromising positions and none of them have been this much fun. His hands are on her hips, and he feels his stomach tighten as he watches her touch herself. She is looking right into his eyes and Raidou is very sure, with a certainty he has never felt before, that this is how he would like to spend the rest of his days, maybe even how he would like to die. Yuugao-induced stroke. He digs his fingers into her hips, and she hums.

Every time he thinks he has hit bottom; he discovers he has even deeper to go. Yuugao chases her orgasm, knowing that he would do it for her if she asked, but preferring to give him a show. After, she will feel very guilty for being so horny for someone other than Hayate, but that won’t come until after her orgasm and as with most things, it feels so good at the time that she severely underestimates the subsequent guilt.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, moving up into her. Yuugao sighs.

“You,” she says softly. She moves her hand from the base his throat to the side of his face, pressing her forehead to his and fingering herself, panting _you, you, you_ , like a chant. Raidou presses his mouth to her upper lip and grunts when she takes his lower lip between her teeth.

They don’t slow down; they only go faster. Their bodies move together, and one would think that it would be messier than it actually ends up being. Raidou gives, Yuugao receives. When he finishes, instead of killing him, Yuugao embraces Raidou, which, in the end, depending on your outlook, might be worse.

**

They’ve discovered that they speak the same somewhat twisted love language. They like to do the boring things that you’d normally do if you were partnered already i.e., they have never gone to a movie and Yuugao turns him down on dates, but if Raidou is going grocery shopping than he can absolutely count on Yuugao to be there to help him with his coupons.

Raidou is sitting at his table, cutting out coupons while Yuugao organizes them. They’ve been talking about their respective weeks, all the shit they need to get done. He’s talking about the game he and Genma play to pass the time, when Yuugao holds up a coupon.

“Do you like yams? I think this is a pretty good price.” Raidou nods, pointing to a pile.

“Put it there, please,” he says, frowning at the coupon in front of him. “Do you like mackerel?”

“It’s fine,” Yuugao says, and he wordlessly puts it in her pile.

“Canned tuna?” she asks.

“Put that in Kurenai’s pile,” Raidou says. Whenever he cuts coupons, he always saves some for Genma and Kurenai. He is always trying to help them get the best price, and yet, they never seem to listen to him. Yuugao places the coupon on the top of the pile, before picking up his grocery list.

He figures that she just misses companionship, and that’s why she’s here all the time. This is partially true, except that she specifically craves his companionship. She’s the one who brought over the flyer this morning, after telling him that they are going to go grocery shopping today. Yuugao will take any time she can get with him.

As she rechecks his list, she thinks about a fact that Hawk told her yesterday. If you sleep with someone long enough, eventually, your microbiomes i.e., all the microscopic bugs and germs and whatnot on your body, become so similar that a scientist could trace your partnership back to that specific person. It’s gross but kind of romantic, in a way.

“Do you think all of our germs are the same?” she asks. Raidou frowns, looking at her.

“Do I think our germs are the same?” he asks, “what germs?”

“The stuff that covers our bodies,” she replies, “our microbiomes. Hawk told me that the closer you are to someone, the more likely it is that your microbiomes are the same.”

“You think we have the same cooties?” Raidou asks, smirking.

“Don’t you want my cooties?” she replies, smiling. Raidou snorts, looking at his coupons.

“Can you call them cooties if you want them?” he asks. Yuugao tilts her head and thinks this question longer than she should.

“I don’t think you can,” she says, “but I don’t think there is an alternate term.”

There is. What they’re really trying to say is that they want to fall in love.

**

Raidou left for a month and came back home with a beard. Well, it’s not a beard; it’s scruff, really. Yuugao saw him when he came back; he was muddy and sweaty, waiting to deliver an oral report to Tsunade. Yuugao had been guarding Tsunade that day, and he smiled at Yuugao when he saw her. Thirty whole days apart. No texts, no notes—nothing. It’s been a long month.

Yuugao had excused herself and followed him out of the office when he left. He tilted his head and smiled when she appeared in front of him. _Using ninja magic to break into my apartment, now you’re using it to chase me down…_ Raidou’s face was soft, and it was enough to make Yuugao melt. She’s glad he couldn’t see her face. _I want to come over and shave your beard._ Raidou snorted. _You don’t like it?_ Yuugao shook her head and he shrugged.

She came to his place after work and changed into one of his shirts and a pair of his boxers. He sits on a chair in the kitchen, wearing a pair of sweatpants. Yuugao holds his electric razor in one hand, her fingers under his chin. Raidou eyes her a little nervously as she begins with the hair on his neck and under his chin.

“You look scared,” she says.

“It’s because you’re being tentative,” he says, “I can tell you’re nervous, which makes me nervous.” Yuugao gives him an unimpressed look.

“I’m trying to be careful,” she says.

“You don’t have to be,” he says, “you’re tickling me.”

“Would you prefer I hurt you?” she asks. Raidou frowns.

“I can just do it.”

“I like doing things like this,” she says, “I want to take care of you.” Raidou sighs.

“Okay, fine. I’ll stop complaining.” He puts his hands up in a gesture of surrender. Yuugao smiles.

“That’s the spirit,” she says. Raidou watches her get to work, but whenever she pauses to look up at him, he looks away, like it’s a big secret that he has been watching her.

**

If asked, Yuugao would say that Raidou has the best mattress she has ever slept on. It’s nice to sink into. When she asked him about it, he said that one of the few pleasures of adulthood has been having enough money to afford a nice mattress. Right now, her back is against the headboard, and she’s reading a pulpy novel about a forbidden romance between a lord and a peasant girl. It’s a thousand pages of trashcan romance and smut. Raidou sits beside her, frowning at a notepad. He’s making a list of things to do. He thinks in lists. She finds them tucked away in all of his pockets, left on counters and tables. She even found one of his lists in her pocket when she was on a mission, and she tucked it into her bra so she wouldn’t lose it.

“Do I need more laundry detergent?” he asks, turning to look at her. He has a washing machine in his apartment, and she’ll sometimes do her laundry here. He told her that she can do it all here, if she’d like, but she doesn’t always want to bring stuff along with her.

“I’m not sure,” she replies, putting her book down. “Do you want me to go check?” she asks.

“No, no,” he says, “I’ll check. Should I get the same brand?”

“What’s wrong with this one?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” he says, “I kinda want to try something new.”

“New?”

“Something that smells different,” he says, “I want something more…neutral”

“Odorless,” she says, “that’s what you’re looking for.” Raidou sighs.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to find it,” he says. He’s been looking for years. Yuugao reaches out and puts her hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sure you will,” she says in a reassuring voice. Raidou shrugs and gets up.

“Let me see if I need any to begin with,” he says, walking out the bedroom door. He leaves the list behind on the bed, and she picks it up, just out of curiosity.

She smiles when she sees, scrawled on the bottom, a reminder to ‘get the juice Yuugao likes.’ He comes back in as she’s smiling, and he stops in the door, looking at her.

“Why’re you smiling?” he asks. Yuugao looks up at him, surprised that he caught her.

“Uh,” she says, “I just saw your note,” she says, holding the list up, her finger right by his little note. He steps towards her, and he makes a sheepish face when he sees the note.

“Yeah,” he says, “I just, uh, noticed that you have a preference.” Yuugao smiles as she sets the list back down on the bed.

“A preference?” she says, raising an eyebrow. Raidou puffs his cheeks and presses his lips together, trying to think of a way out of this one.

“Yeah,” he says, “what of it?”

“Nothing,” she says, shrugging, picking up her book.

**

The philosophers that Yuugao respects most are the ones who refuse to speculate about an afterlife. All there is to know is life, and because death is nothing, i.e., radical non-being i.e., the void, i.e., the end of the line, there is no point trying to figure out whether or not there is afterlife, as it is unknowable and really shouldn’t be the first thing you think of when you think about whether or not you are happy with the direction of your life.

That said, this doesn’t mean that she’s okay with Hayate not existing, i.e., the idea that his just dissolved or dissipated and returned to the nothingness from which we all spring. She looks at the bouquet of white lilies in her arms, cradling them, while Yamato holds up a potted plant. It’s about two feet tall, and it has small, bell-shaped purple flowers. He wants something nice for his windowsill, and it’s been a while since she’s visited the grave. Daydream Hayate stands at the door, while a young blonde girl mans the till.

“What do you think of this one?” Yamato asks, “it’s a lavender mona.” It’s a fragrant plant, and it looks fairly healthy. Yuugao pokes a blossom with her finger, smiling.

“The flowers look like fairy cups,” she says. Yamato looks at her, puzzled. His brows are scrunched, and he tilts his head, like an idea is _this close_ to clicking but it doesn’t quite make it.

“Fairy cups?” he asks. Yuugao smiles softly at him.

“Like, a fairy or sprite could come along and pluck off a flower, turn it upside down and use it as a cup,” Yuugao says, plucking off a flower to show him what she means. Yamato grins like a little kid, which he is, in a lot of ways. He looks like she showed him a magic trick—that you can look at a plant and think about how it would be used by a fairy.

“That’s clever,” he says, “who showed you that?”

“My mom,” Yuugao says, “I was five.” Yamato had been in Root, then. The wonder in his eyes fades, and she touches his arm.

“Do you want to go pay?” she asks quietly. Yamato nods, holding the plant to his chest. Yuugao pays for the plant and the bouquet, and soon, they are off to the cemetery.

**

It’s an uneventful walk, and soon, they are standing in front of Hayate’s grave. Yamato looks at Yuugao, who stares straight ahead, right at Daydream Hayate, who stands behind the headstone. It never gets easier, visiting the grave. Never.

“Do you want me to give you some privacy?” Yamato asks. Yuugao looks up at him, shaking her head.

“No, no,” she says, “I’m fine.” Holding the bouquet tight to her chest, she walks towards the headstone and kneels to place the bouquet in front of it. Yuugao presses her palm to the headstone, and bites her lip, willing herself not to cry. Daydream Hayate looks down at her, eyes big. He never touches her; he just looks at her.

She hears Yamato step forward, and looks at him as he kneels beside her, a stem of flowers plucked from his plant pinched between his thumb and index finger. “Do you think spirits need cups?” he asks, voice serious.

“I can’t imagine there’s a lot of glassware, where they are,” Yuugao says. Yamato nods and places the stem over her bouquet.

“It would be rude to leave nothing,” he says in a soft voice. Yuugao nods, looking up, making eye contact with Daydream Hayate, who definitely doesn’t want to be here, but who she doesn’t know how to make free. _I’m sorry._ Yuugao, not for the first time, feels like a failure.

She feels Yamato’s hand on her back, as he rubs the spot between her shoulder blades. “What are you looking at?” he asks quietly.

“Nothing,” she replies, looking Daydream Hayate in the eyes. “Nothing at all. Do you think it will ever get better?”

“No,” he says, “but it will scar over, so you can live with it.” He doesn’t add that he has spent the last three years watching her rip the wound open, over and over again. Yuugao nods once, twice, before she finally allows herself to tear up.

**

Yamato decides to make her dinner after, in fact, he insists. He is cutting up the garlic, while Yuugao sits at the counter, looking at her phone. His new plant is on the windowsill, besides the succulent she bought him when he first moved in. Yuugao had been thinking about texting Raidou, when a message from him appeared. _Want to hang out?_ Yuugao is still undecided, and she has stared at her phone for five minutes, wondering whether or not she should be worried that she pretty much manifested him. 

Yamato eyes her, deciding it’s time to speak when she begins to look considerably worried. “Who are you texting?” he asks.

“A friend,” she says quickly, placing her phone screen down. Yamato gives her one of his all-knowing looks, like he is a wise frog, and he sets the knife down.

“A friend?” he asks. Yuugao chews the inside of her cheek, thinking. She does want someone to know, not Raidou’s name but that there is someone in her life. Not just because she wants people to know that she isn’t broken; she is happy, and she wants to talk about it.

“I’ve been seeing someone,” Yuugao says, shifting in her seat. Yamato nods, once, twice.

“Ah,” he says, picking the knife up. “I’m happy for you.”

“You’re not going to ask who?” she asks. Yamato gives her a soft look, before gently shaking his head.

“No, I don’t need to know who,” he says, “you deserve to be happy, Yuugao.” She makes him feel very loved and happy; she goes plant shopping with him, bringing him to her family for national holidays, and she lies in bed next to him when his heart is broken. He has seen what losing Hayate has done to her, and he wants her to recover, to have the family she is careful not to talk about.

“Thanks,” she says softly. “I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

“That’s all I ask,” he says. She opens her mouth to say something, when none other than Kakashi comes strolling through the door, looking for a free meal. While Yamato is distracted, she quickly sends Raidou a text, letting him know to expect her.

**

Raidou doesn’t think that he’s a very good person, but he increasingly finds himself wanting to be better. To find a way to square the karmic debt of being an assassin. Theoretically, most of the blame should be put on the people who hire him, but he has killed a lot of people, and it’s not like he’s very nice to begin with. He’s just your average asshole, and your average asshole is usually kind of a dick.

He’s never understood how people love him so deeply when they know what he is. Kurenai and Genma’s loyalty has always baffled him, in that way. Yuugao’s attraction to him is also a mystery. He’s not even that pretty or funny or smart. Raidou regards himself as painfully average with a really shitty job. He stares up at his ceiling, but it has none of the answers, so he turns his head to look at Yuugao, who is lying down beside him.

“Yuugao,” he asks, “I have a question.” Yuugao smiles at him, rolling onto her side to look at him.

“What?” she asks. Her waist makes a serpentine curve to her hip, and he can see her tummy between the bottom of her tank top and the waist of her panties. She looks at him warmly, like he’s soft and precious, and it breaks something inside of him. Raidou presses his lips together, before blurting it out.

“Do you think I’ll go straight to hell for being an assassin?” he asks. What he’s looking for is reassurance, but Yuugao feels like he’s punched her in the gut. _Why are you thinking about dying?_ If she went through this twice… Yuugao’s eyes are wide, and she opens and closes her mouth, like she has been surprised in the worst way. Raidou frowns, sitting up. “What’s wrong?”

“Why would you say something like that to me?” Yuugao says, sitting up.

“Something like?” Raidou holds his arms out, evidently confused.

“About dying,” she says, standing up, “why the fuck are you talking about dying?” When she sees realization dawn on his face, his jaw going slack, Yuugao thinks about throwing a pillow at him. Because she isn’t that person, she decides to go and take a shower, walking away before he can say anything.

Raidou’s bathroom is tiny, and she steps out of her underwear and yanks her tank top off as the water heats up. It’s a trick she’s learned in therapy—take a shower when you’re feeling overwhelmed by an emotion. It’s like painting your nails when you’re anxious; it’s a task that distracts you from the absolute fuck show of emotions raging inside.

Yuugao steps under the shower and tilts her face up. If asked to name her emotions, she would say that she is feeling overwhelmed, angry and scared. She closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath, so deep that she feels her vagus nerve tingle, before exhaling, trying to think of how she is going to talk about this productively with Raidou. _It really hurt me when you reminded me of your mortality. I’m very scared that I could fall in love with you, only for the universe to take you away. I don’t think I could do this again_. Lots of ‘I’ language and taking accountability for her feelings.

When she turns around and opens her eyes, she jumps when she sees none other than Daydream Hayate standing at the other end of the tub, fully clothed, looking even sadder than usual. She crosses her arms over her chest, covering herself up, self-conscious of her purplish nipples. “Why won’t you leave me alone?!” He crosses his arms and droops his shoulders, as if to make himself smaller. It makes something inside of Yuugao pull apart, like she’s separating on the inside. “Do you know where Raidou will go?” she asks softly, “is this really where you ended up?” Daydream Hayate opens his mouth, his lips moving, but no sound comes out. Yuugao covers her mouth, horrified. He has never opened his mouth to speak, so she assumed he couldn’t, but it hurts to know that he wants to say something to her, but that he is unable. _You can’t tell me what you need_. For some reason, this feels like a cruelty; here he is, but he can’t speak to her, he can only watch and listen. The tears are so hot, they hurt her eyes, and she feels trapped. _We’re both trapped_. How could she not see it sooner?

As she stands under the shower, the bathroom door opens, and Raidou steps into the steamy room. “Yuugao,” he says, “are you ready to talk?” When she says nothing, he sighs, assuming that she’s angry with him. “Look, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. It’s just…I’m really sorry.” He twists the silver ring on his pinky, nervous. This is their first actual fight, and he doesn’t want it to be their last one as a couple.

He stands there, like a complete dolt, until Yuugao throws open the shower curtain and jumps out of the tub, wrapping herself around him without turning the shower off or drying herself. Her wet, hot skin is pressed against him, and she has tucked her face into his shoulder, crying. Raidou, confused, wraps his arms around her, pressing his mouth into the side of her head. She’s crying because she’s just realized that Daydream Hayate wants to speak but is unable to, but he doesn’t know that.

“Yuugao?” he says softly.

“Yeah,” she chokes out.

“I’m sorry,” he says, taking full blame for this one. Yuugao is too overwhelmed to correct him, that yes, while he made her very angry, she’s crying because she just learned something horrible. Her biggest problem is that she doesn’t want to end up alone with Hayate’s ghost or whatever the fuck is following her, but she doesn’t know how to tell Raidou about her pathological fear of being haunted.

He has long suspected that some of their intimacy is a result of her being afraid, of what, he does not know. But he would very much like to—he just doesn’t know how to tell her in a way that she could understand.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know the ending was a bummer but I promise chapters 6-10 are happy. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	3. Before Common Era Part III

“Well, I sighed and mumbled to myself, again I have to clean”

Mitski, “Happy”

For someone who has probably bashed innumerable heads in, Yuugao sleeps like a sweet baby. Raidou eyes the arch of her brow as it descends to the bridge of her nose, her pink mouth, the smooth skin of her eyelids. Raidou is having trouble sleeping, which sometimes happens, so he is watching Yuugao, hoping it will help. She is a very peaceful sleeper, and the sadness that seems to haunt her is gone when she is asleep.

Just as he is about to try and fall asleep, Yuugao startles, sitting up. Raidou opens his eyes and looks at her.

“What is it?” he asks. Yuugao looks down at him, surprised and relieved that he is awake. She had another dream with Hayate, whose mouth is moving but no sounds come out. _What are you trying to tell me?_

“I had a weird dream,” she sighs. Raidou opens his arms, and she presses herself right to him, tucking her face into his neck.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing’s wrong,” she lies. Raidou wants to call her a liar, but he can’t bring himself to do so when she’s clearly in a lot of pain. He doesn’t say he believes her, but neither does he question her.

**

That said, their relationship is not defined by sadness. Raidou is lying flat on his back, arms stretched out, looking up at the sky. His arms ache, and he is sweaty all over, face red from exertion. Yuugao is not much better. She is still standing, but her hands are pressed to her knees as she bends over, panting. Their swords are on the ground, thrown down after four hours of training.

It started out friendly. They figured they could show each other their techniques, pick up some pointers, have a friendly competition. But, as Raidou lies on the ground feeling like he’s going to be absorbed by the dirt and Yuugao feels her hair stick to the back of her neck from sweat, they both realize how stupid they were. They’re both stubborn and proud, traits that they’ve severely underestimated within themselves.

“I think you won,” Raidou says. Yuugao turns her head to look at him, mouth open.

“It doesn’t feel like a win,” she says.

“Well, I definitely feel like I lost,” he replies, sitting up on his elbows. His entire body hurts.

“I’d have thought we’d have better endurance than this,” she says, standing up straight. She turns her head and looks at the damage around them. Tree branches lie broken. There are several dents in the ground, from when one of them was thrown down or knocked over by the other.

“This wasn’t training,” he says, bending his knee towards the sky, “this was a warning.”

“Of what?” she asks.

“How soft you’ve made me,” he replies, sitting up. Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“Don’t blame this on me,” she says, “it’s not like we lie around all day.” He chooses to say nothing as he stands up, his muscles tight and aching. Yuugao looks at him with concern, as he pulls out a granola bar from his flak jacket.

“Here,” he says, throwing it to her, “your prize.” She catches it effortlessly, smiling at him.

“How did you know I was hungry?” she asks, opening the wrapper.

“You kicked my ass all over this training field,” he says, stretching his arms. Yuugao takes a bite of the granola bar and walks over to him. She chews with her mouth closed, like a lady. He wants to tell her that she is a very pretty eater, but he figures she already knows from his comment about her swallowing.

“You didn’t make it easy,” she replies, holding her granola bar to his mouth, “take a bite.” Raidou eyes her.

“It’s yours,” he says. Yuugao frowns at him, which is when he knows she’s serious.

“You’re hungry too,” she says, holding it right up to his mouth. Raidou leans forward and opens his mouth, taking a bite. It doesn’t taste good, but it will tide him over until he can eat actual food. “See?”

“You’re too sweet on me,” he says, mouth full. Yuugao takes another bite of her granola bar, not saying anything as he swallows. He looks around and decides to at least pick up their swords. She watches him, thinking. He has ten years on her, but not once has he ever mentioned her age. He just treats her like an equal. It’s something that she’s noticed, and the best part is that she doesn’t think he does it consciously. Like, it never struck him to treat her in any other way. He’s dorky and kind of a hardass when it comes to work, but he’s never treated her as less than, and that’s a rare quality in men who are dating younger women (then again, she doesn’t think that her age wasn’t a factor for him).

She looks at him adoringly, when he isn’t paying attention. She knows she does it, and usually, it makes her feel nice, but then she catches sight of a figure at the edge of the field, and she just knows that Daydream Hayate is there, watching, always watching, for what, she isn’t quite sure. One day, maybe she’ll figure it out.

**

One thing that Yuugao has never understood, and probably never will, is how people describe coffee as having distinct, nuanced flavor profiles, like it’s wine. There’s a difference between medium and dark roast, and decaf doesn’t taste right, but that’s about it, in terms of her palate. She’s not a very sophisticated person, not really, nor does she want to be.

Yamato sips his coffee, sighing to himself. “Team Seven is going to be the death of me.”

“Naruto can’t be that bad,” Yuugao replies, “and Sakura seems nice enough, and Sai is Anbu.”

“They just have a way of always getting into trouble,” Yamato says, “and I have to deal with it.”

“Could be worse,” she says, “but you already know that.” Yuugao looks up at him from beneath her brow. Yamato shrugs, like, amen to that, before launching into a story about a girl he’s seeing, or, trying to see, if Team Seven and Kakashi didn’t get in his way. Apparently, she’s an artist; ceramics is her medium. Function and beauty together in one, much like architecture, Yamato points out.

Yuugao is only half paying attention. She has been thinking about how Hayate looked at her and Raidou in the training field. She wonders if he’s jealous—they trained in kenjutsu together, and he was her instructor, once upon a time. Daydream Hayate has left her more or less alone since, something that makes her feel a little uneasy.

Raidou asked her out this morning, and she turned him down. He made a face and shrugged it off, obviously trying not to be petty or whiny. As she listens to Yamato talk about this girl, she wonders how long she can put Raidou off before he forces the issue of what it is, exactly, they are doing.

**

Okay, so, Yuugao has had this fantasy since she looked up at Raidou’s stupid, handsome face in the hallway of Tsunade’s office. She has been thinking about the best way to ask; should she simply, _conveniently_ engineer the scenario? Set everything just right, like some sort of elaborate trap, and hope Raidou reacts the way she would like him to? It’s not that she doesn’t think that he’d say no, _per se_ , so much as she thinks her request might make him a little uncomfortable but not enough to prevent him from vocalizing said discomfort, resulting in a disappointing sexual encounter for both of them when he doesn’t enjoy himself and Yuugao has to deal with the fact that this really hot fantasy in her head is a total dud.

However, there is a very good chance that he will actually enjoy it. They haven’t yet had sex that isn’t mutually pleasurable, and it’s because they both communicate. So, Yuugao decides to tell him, exactly, what she would like them to do together.

Raidou is sitting on her couch, reading through a report he has to turn in tomorrow. The sun is very bright, and her living room is warm. He stayed over last night, so he’s wearing the sweatpants he leaves here and an old crewneck sweater, with a big hole in the armpit. He is pressing the top of his pen into his thumb and frowning at the report. While the mission was a technical success, a lot of things had gone wrong. Raidou had come back to Konoha in a bad mood and only agreed to see Yuugao after he drafted a report. It took him three days, all of which she spent wondering if she would see him before her own inevitable deployment.

They didn’t even have sex last night. He just came over and passed out beside her. Yuugao eyes him from the kitchen, chewing on her thumb. Increasingly, she finds herself craving the warm weight of his body beside hers, or his snoring, or the way he kicks her in his sleep. Whatever is happening between them, it is more than sex and companionship. Questions like _what are we?_ will inevitably follow her continued decline of his offers to go on dates. When that question comes, she won’t know how to answer it. _What are we?_

Yuugao dismisses the thought and decides that now is as good a time as any to come onto him. She walks up to the couch and sits beside him. He looks at her, unimpressed.

“You haven’t smiled once this whole day,” she says, tracing the arch of his ear.

“The report is due tomorrow morning.” He doesn’t want to think about all the fuckery that he has to account for. He wants to head her off at the pass. “Duty never sleeps.” Yuugao smiles, responding with softness.

“You can take some time off. You’ve just been staring at the same paragraph for the last hour.” She rubs her thighs together, something he notices. “I want no more than an hour of your time.”

“Only an hour?”

“No less, no more.” She grins when he throws the report on the coffee table with a sigh.

“Why do I have a feeling that you’re just going to put me to work?” he asks, half-joking.

“Do you know how many would kill to have this job?” she stands up and takes his hands, pulling on his arms until he stands up. Raidou has to give it to Yuugao, she is just that pretty and nice that murdering to be with her would seem like a reasonable thing to do.

“Okay, okay,” he says, “what are we going to do?”

“I have this fantasy,” she says, clasping her hands behind her back and looking away from Raidou’s face, like she’s shy and he’s never been inside of her before. “And I want you to keep an open mind.” Raidou grins.

“It’s open,” he says. Yuugao smiles shyly.

“Well, you know I think you’re really handsome,” she says. Raidou blinks.

“I’m aware,” he says carefully. He doesn’t think he’s particularly handsome, but Yuugao gets mad when he jokes about how ugly he is compared to her.

“I think it would be a lot of fun to try something different,” she says, walking towards her bedroom. Raidou sighs.

“What does different mean?” _And what does it have to do with how I look?_

“I just want you to remember that you really like me,” she says, looking at him over her shoulder as she walks into her bedroom. Raidou follows her, standing at the door, watching her turn the overhead light and two lamps on. He is keenly aware of how much he likes her. It almost offends him that she thinks that he is ever not thinking about how much he likes her. He has asked her out at least twenty-five times, and she always turns him down.

“Consider it remembered and foregrounded.”

“Great,” she smiles wide as she throws the curtains open. She stands at the window, hands on her hips, waiting for his reaction. He looks around the room, trying to figure out what he is supposed to react to, exactly, while she waits.

A minute passes, before he just gives up. “Why are all the lights on?”

“Because” she says, “we’re going to fuck with all the lights on, and you’re going to watch in the mirror.” She points to the standing mirror in the corner of her room.

“You want me to watch us fuck rather than just look at you?” he asks. Yuugao nods, walking up to him.

“I want you to see how good we look together,” she lifts her dress up, over her head. She hasn’t gone anywhere today, so she didn’t bother putting panties on. Raidou smiles.

“What if I don’t want to get naked?” he asks.

“You have to,” she says just above a whisper, “it’s my _fantasy_.” She steps right up to him and sticks her hands up his shirt, feeling up the muscles of his abdomen. She feels him twitch, making her feel floaty.

“I don’t have to do anything,” he replies.

“Please?” she asks. Raidou doesn’t say anything, but he does take his sweater off, which makes Yuugao grin.

Long ago, Raidou decided that he would be happy if he ended up alone. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in love or that he doesn’t want a partner or companionship, he just figured that it wasn’t in the cards for him. After Kurenai, those dreams felt like little kid shit that he had to put away. But when Yuugao dips her hand below the waistband of his pants and takes his penis in her hand, he realizes that, at some point, she changed things for him. _This is inconvenient_. He knows he will pay dearly for it at some point in the future, but for right now, he decides to take whatever future pain awaits right on the chin.

All the blood rushes to one spot, and he sighs as she touches him, her big eyes looking up at him, and she’s the one blushing, her mouth parted as she smiles. Raidou presses his pointer finger to her lower lip, and, such is their way, Yuugao takes it in her mouth. They make eye contact, and he says nothing as her tongue swirls around his finger. Raidou kisses her face, once, twice, thrice, before Yuugao lets go of his finger and finally kisses him. _This feeling is what it’s all about_. Yuugao pulls away first, smiling, eyes lidded.

“I would like to blow you,” she says softly, almost a whisper. Raidou bites his lip and nods his consent. He pulls his pants down and steps out of them, kicking them off to the side with the inside of his foot. Yuugao looks up into his eyes as she assumes the position and takes him in her mouth. He sucks back all of his saliva, his tummy tightening as he watches her.

His mouth twitches, and he looks at the ceiling. He can feel the inside of Yuugao’s mouth, her tongue, her hand; everything. Raidou takes a breath and looks down as she looks up, and he puts his palm to her cheek. It’s a loving gesture, backed by real feelings. He’s probably fucked but it really doesn’t feel that way, with his dick in her mouth while looking into her eyes to see the same adoration that must surely be in his own.

“Yuugao,” he says softly, “what do you want me to do to you?” Raidou feels good but far from the edge, which is the right place to stop. Yuugao opens her mouth and lets him go, looking up at him.

“I want to watch you watch us.” She says, taking Raidou’s hand as he offers it. He watches the line of her throat as she turns at the waist to look at the bed. He steps towards her and wraps his arms around her, his erection pressing into her stomach and his lips in her hair. “You’re distracting me.”

“That’s the point,” he replies. Yuugao smiles, pushing his arms off of her. “What?”

“You have to do exactly as I say,” she says softly. Her tone is submissive, but her words are anything but.

“Why?” Raidou asks. Yuugao climbs onto the bed, getting on all fours.

“Because” she looks over her shoulder, “it’s my fantasy.” She watches Raidou come up on the bed behind her, grinning. Raidou rests a hand on her hip, and blinks at her.

“You look like such a perv,” he says. Yuugao opens her mouth to speak, when she feels him begin to touch her. A finger along a lip and around the bend, another at the entrance. Yuugao’s spine tingles, and she arches her back.

“It’s because I am excited for what you are going to do to me,” she hums, moving back onto his hand. Raidou is pleasantly surprised when he is able to slide two fingers in off the bat, and he tries not to laugh as the noise she makes. He withdraws his fingers and finds her clit, making her sigh. Her back is a curved slope as she sticks her hips up while she presses her face to bed.

The room is a bright yellow, because it helps Yuugao wake up naturally. The sun is out, and all of the lights are on, so there is a bright, clear view of everything. Yuugao’s stand up mirror is in the corner of her room. It’s taller than Raidou, and it has an arched top. The glass is clear and completely clean. Raidou looks at the glass, smiling.

“Yuugao,” he says, “did you clean the mirror while I was reading that report?” Yuugao groans and nods, her face in the comforter, like it is a shameful, dirty secret. Raidou touches her the way he always does, which is to say, he makes her feel like she’s inside of a star, glimmery and bright, and she throws herself back onto his hand. “Why’d you clean the mirror?” He knows, of course; he just wants to watch her squirm.

“Because” she says, looking in the mirror, “I want us to have the best view possible.” Raidou slows his hand, touching right inside the bend, and Yuugao tries to contain her moan.

“You don’t have to hide it,” he says, “I like hearing your little noises.” They make eye contact in the mirror, and he watches her turn bright pink. There is a speedy feeling in her tummy, and her face only gets pinker with her oncoming orgasm. It’s like her whole body is tingling, every nerve whirring. When he pulls away just short of her orgasm, she nearly cusses him out, until he enters her.

Yuugao breathes in, deep, smiling to herself. Raidou watches her face in the mirror and he has to admit, it feels very good knowing that he put that expression on her face. She moves back onto him when he tries to pull away, moaning. If this didn’t feel so good, she’d be embarrassed by the noises she makes. Raidou places a palm on her back, and she moves faster.

She’d been so _close_ , it almost hurt when he pulled away. But she knows why he did it; he makes her feel impossibly full, whole. She twitches around him, and they both groan at the same time. They are moving faster and faster, and because all the lights are on and the curtains are open, the room is much hotter than it otherwise would be. They are both sweating, but neither wants to stop any time soon, so they are constantly negotiating that tiny gap between orgasm and plateau. Like, how good can this possibly get before they find the limit.

True to his word, Raidou has been looking at her, at them, in the mirror. He avoids looking at himself for obvious reasons; he has a scar; his family is dead, and he doesn’t really like looking in the mirror and seeing pieces of their faces. But Yuugao, she’s beautiful. The kind of pretty that makes you believe that there is a higher power up there, making all the big decisions. She’s a cosmic kind of pretty, which makes her obsession with the moon and stars and outer space especially fitting. _You’re the stuff all the stars are made of_. They make eye contact in the mirror, he has to admit, it’s hot to see how her face changes when he’s inside of her. He looks at his own face, and he is unsurprised to see that it is softer.

“You’re really handsome,” Yuugao says. Raidou looks down at her face.

“You were looking at me?” he asks. She smiles and nods.

“It’s my fantasy.” Raidou thrusts a little harder and she moans.

The front wall itches and Yuugao changes the angle of her hips, so Raidou can stroke it. It makes her feel so good, that she turns to look back at him. The line of her spine curves like a snake as she turns to look at him directly. Raidou notices this and looks down at her face, to see her biting her lower lip.

“You’re not looking at us in the mirror,” he says. Yuugao nods, because it’s all she can do because it feels just that good. “Look in the mirror.”

“Why?” she asks. Raidou, who is getting closer and closer to the end, wants to say something clever, but he’s not in a position to say anything of intelligence.

“Because we look good together,” he replies. Yuugao immediately turns back to look in the mirror, and she can’t help but agree.

“We do.”

Raidou decides that it’s time to end it, so he leans forward into the warm, tingly feeling that he’s been ignoring for the last little bit. He wants to see if he can go deeper, and he discovers he can when Yuugao throws her hips back, puts her face in the bed and screams. She keeps her head down as she reaches back between her legs, which is how Raidou can tell that she is really enjoying herself.

“Are you looking?” she says.

“Uh huh,” he grunts. He can’t look away from their reflection: her sweaty back, her flushed skin, the way her body bounces in response to his. He’s convinced, now, that he’s never going to find anyone better. Anyone other than Yuugao would be settling. He hears her moaning and panting and they’re both cursing, and he can’t really tell who comes first but he is the one who pulls away. Raidou sits back on his hands, panting, before moving to lie down.

 _What the fuck_. He puts his hands over his eyes. Raidou can’t recall ever feeling this way, not even in the golden period of his and Kurenai’s relationship. He never really understood why Yuugao or Kurenai ever hissed out the word ‘complete,’ the way they did, until now. _So, this is what completion feels like_. He feels the bed move, and Yuugao lie on top of him, their skin sticking.

When she sat up and looked at Raidou, eyes covered with a smile on his face, her entire body still in shock after what he did to her, her feelings overwhelmed her. Her want for him floods her brain.

Yuugao presses her lips to his chin; when he doesn’t move his hands from his face, she maneuvers so that she can press her lips to his scar. When that doesn’t work, she sighs and kisses him on the mouth, and he finally puts his arms around her.

“Hi,” she says in a soft voice. Raidou grins.

“Yeah,” he says, “hi.” He actually looks kind of goofy. His jaw is relaxed, and his eyes are soft. Yuugao runs her fingers through his sweaty hairline, while he looks up at her with a simple-minded adoration she has only experienced once before.

“So, what do you think of my fantasy?” she asks.

“That I wish I had your imagination,” he says, rubbing circles into her lower back. Yuugao smiles.

“You inspire me,” she says, “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you outside Tsunade’s office.” Raidou’s eyes crinkle, and Yuugao feels her heart skip a beat.

“Yuugao,” he says, “I know I’ve asked before, but I would really, really like to go on an actual date.”

“An actual date?” she grins. After what just happened, she is personally convinced that she is staring at her future, right in the face.

“I’ll even pay,” he says. Yuugao smiles, when she sees a shadow in the corner of her eye. She turns her head and sees Daydream Hayate standing by the bed, arms at his sides, looking very sad. This time, she can see his guts—they aren’t there all the time, but when they are, it’s usually because she has done something that would be especially hurtful to him, if he were alive. _But you’re dead, and Raidou is here._ Daydream Hayate tilts his head and looks even sadder, like she doesn’t understand him at all. The thought that she could not know what he’s feeling scares her even more than his near-constant presence. He is almost always on the edge of her consciousness, and sex with Raidou is the only time she is guaranteed not to see him, but his return isn’t usually so…jarring.

Raidou sees Yuugao look away, and the way her face changes from being relaxed to looking like she has tasted something bad. Her lips are pressed together, and she’s focused on something beside the bed, but when he turns to look, he sees nothing there.

“Yuugao?” he asks in a low voice. She doesn’t seem to hear him, as she gets off him and the bed. Raidou sits up on his hands, watching her go on autopilot. “Yuugao? Is something wrong?” She is turning off the overhead light, and then the lamps, completely ignoring him. “Yuugao?”

“Yes?” she asks, closing the curtains.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“Yes,” she replies, “I’m good. I just need some sleep,” she says, pulling back the comforter and getting into bed.

“And my question?” he asks.

“I’m exhausted,” she sighs. He frowns.

“So, it’s a no,” he says, getting off the bed. He pulls his sweatpants back on and looks around for his sweater. “I’m going to go finish that report.” The thing with completion is that it never lasts long.

“Okay. I’ll be in here, if you need me.” She wants to tell him to what is happening to her, but she’s afraid that either he won’t understand, or he will and be totally disgusted.

“I might not stay the night,” he says, pulling his sweater over his head, “it depends on how much I get done.” Yuugao says nothing, preferring to take a sleeping pill. When she wakes up at midnight, Raidou’s arm is over her waist. She’s still groggy, so sleep comes easy.

**

Yuugao sits on the counter of Yamato’s kitchen, her legs dangling over the edge. Her hair is in a high ponytail, that sits on the crown of her head, and she wears his happuri; it’s too big for her small face, but she asked him very nicely, so he agreed to let her wear it. Yamato leans against the counter beside her, holding a glass of sparkling wine, which she brought over to mark this special occasion. She swirls her own glass as they both stare at the floor. A disc, about a foot across and six inches tall, moves across the floor in front of them, vacuuming up all the dirt and fluff and cobwebs that gather when Yamato is out of town.

Today is the Roomba’s maiden voyage. Yamato follows it around the apartment, troubleshooting potential obstacles and commenting on all the dirt that has been vacuumed up.

“We should give it a name,” Yuugao says, “a real name. Not Roomba.”

“I kinda like Roomba,” Yamato says, “it’s a lot of work coming up with names.”

“We could call it Baby Tenzou,” she says, sipping her wine. Yamato rolls his eyes.

“I’m not naming my Roomba after myself,” he says, “that would be narcissistic.” Yuugao shrugs, like, what can you do?

“Okay, Roomba it is,” she says, “so, is this going to automatically clean while you’re away?”

“That’s the idea,” he replies. He opens his mouth to say something else, as the Roomba goes to vacuum the floor in front of the door. They hear the knob turn, and the door opens and knocks the Roomba with enough force to send it across the floor to the other side of the apartment. It gets wedged between the couch, making noises as it whirs, unaware of the futility.

“Roomba!” Yuugao gasps, hopping off the counter to check on the vacuum, while Yamato frowns at Kakashi, who is standing at the door, kicking his shoes off.

“Am I interrupting?” he asks, as Yuugao tugs ‘Roomba’ free, setting it back down on the floor.

“I got a Roomba,” Yamato says, “we’re celebrating its first go around the apartment.”

“A Roomba,” Kakashi hums, “how exciting.” Yamato can more or less shrug off his dickhead remarks, but Yuugao gives him a stink eye that rivals even Raidou. “Did I say something?”

“You sent Roomba flying!” She sips her wine, and Kakashi notices that she’s wearing Yamato’s happuri. Her hair is in what Anko would refer to as a ‘blow job ponytail’ (Kakashi wishes he were making that up, but it’s something she actually said and now, for better or worse, that is what he thinks whenever he sees that particular kind of hairstyle) and her face is flushed from the wine. Her lipstick is still on, but her eyeliner and mascara are a little smudgy. She definitely looks like someone who has been drinking.

“I like the look,” he says, pointing at his own face.

“Yamato helped me,” she says, standing up.

“Well, can I join you two?” Kakashi asks, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Only if you promise not to hurt Roomba,” Yuugao says, her voice serious. Yamato crosses his arms and nods. Roomba whirs in the background, and Kakashi cannot believe that this is a real conversation he is having.

“Are we going to attribute sentience to an inanimate object?” Kakashi asks. Yuugao makes a face, while Yamato frowns.

“Don’t speak about Roomba like that!” Yuugao says.

“My son deserves better treatment,” Yamato adds. Kakashi sighs deeply, and if they weren’t his only option, he’d leave.

“Sorry Roomba,” he sighs. It bumps into a wall and then gets stuck on the carpet. As Yuugao and Yamato go to see if there is any way to troubleshoot the problem to ensure that this won’t happen to Roomba in Yamato’s absence, Kakashi restrains himself from congratulating Yamato on his idiot son.

**

Raidou already knew he was in too deep, but the universe decided to officially let him know that he is fucked. The universe is considerate, in the sense that it seems to always make sure that Raidou is aware of just how screwed he actually is.

Yuugao’s hand slipped when she shaved his face, and, unprepared, Raidou squeaked and pulled his face away. She frowned, turning the razor off and setting it to down on the counter before looking at his face. Saying nothing when the blood oozes, Yuugao pressed her lower lip to the cut, before pulling back and putting two fingers over it. He spies green light in his peripheral and feels the warm, tight feeling of skin being stitched back together. He wants to tell her that it’s a waste to do it over something so minor, but instead, he feels warm and expansive on the inside.

 _Shit. Fuck. Shit_.

**

For a long time, Raidou expected enlightenment to just happen, like the secrets of the universe are inevitably revealed the longer you stick around. He thought he’d be wiser by now, but as he tries to get closer to Yuugao, the more he realizes he doesn’t know anything. The universe doesn’t give any reason, or any guidance. For a long time, with every further day that god, or the gods, or whatever the fuck moves the world grants him, Raidou learned to live with this harsh truth—there are no answers, no one if going to come save you, ‘you are pretty much on your own pal,’ as his father would say. But the thing about truths is that they aren’t always set in stone, and he doesn’t want to be alone, not anymore. Yuugao has shown him that there is an alternative.

He thought grief counseling might have the answers, but he was sorely mistaken. It’s not that he doesn’t need therapy, because everyone he knows needs therapy, but he doesn’t think grief is his real problem. He has more or less learned to deal with the loss of his family, and premature death is something they are raised, if not to accept, but to acknowledge as, at times, a necessary and inevitable sacrifice. His parents and brother died serving the village. It doesn’t mean Raidou is happy or whole; he’s just accepting.

Raidou sighs, tucking his hands into his pockets as he walks down the street. No, his problem is he doesn’t know how to effectively convey his feelings to Yuugao, and he’s afraid of her rejection. He stares down at his feet, not looking up until a familiar set of toes appear in front of him. They’re slim, the third longer than the second on each foot. Pale pink nail polish on nail. A pink scar on top of the right foot. He looks up and smiles at Kurenai, who has her hands on her hips like she’s Wonder Woman.

“Hey,” he says softly. She smiles right at him—not her small smile, or an upturn of the lip, but her actual, real smile. He feels his entire face relax as he smiles. They never stopped smiling right into each other’s eyes.

“You look busy,” she says.

“I’m not,” he replies, “I’m just…thinking.

“Anything I can help with?” she asks, “I have the day off.”

“And you’re not with Asuma?” he asks.

“We have a healthy, adult relationship with boundaries and distinct sense of selves,” she says in a teasing voice. Raidou snorts and she continues. “Two halves of a whole, coming together to become one,” she says, clasping her hands together in front of her chest, over her sternum. He knows what she really means: Asuma is the big, capital, once in a lifetime One. 

“And what were we?” he asks. Kurenai doesn’t frown; her face softens, almost wistful. He wonders if she regrets not finding Asuma sooner, like she gave Raidou time she could have given Asuma instead. But alas.

“We were…” she trails off, “something big and necessary.”

“Romantic,” he says, “I’d say that we were wild and stupid.” All the drugs, unprotected sex and near disasters, petty arguments, tears and anger—they had a passionate relationship, the kind that’s only possible as an adolescent or young adult. It’s the kind that looks romantic when you’re a kid but is disorienting and maddening to be in and a headache to even contemplate when you’re older.

“When you put it like that,” she says, “I feel old.” One time, they had a fight where she told him that she gave him the best years of her life, and he hurled back that if these are the best years, why the fuck is she yelling at him? She had pulled her dress back over her breasts and yanked the skirt down, picked up her sandals and left his house without putting them on, leaving her panties and bra on his bedroom floor. Later that night, when he came to apologize, having put her underwear in the wash with his other clothes, she welcomed him in and bit his lower lip and begged him to make her forget everything (but they don’t have the kind of problems that can be fucked away or undone by an orgasm—no, Kurenai and Raidou’s problems have always been the kind that they just have to live through, somehow).

“Well, what does that make me?” he asks.

“Ancient,” she replies, tilting her head. Raidou bobs his head, thinking.

“Walk with me,” he says, “I have a problem and could use your help.”

“You want my help?”

“Well, maybe,” he says, “you see, I’m trying to be a better person.” Raidou starts walking, stepping around Kurenai. She follows him, walking to match his strides.

“A better person?” she asks, “what does that mean?”

“It means…” he says, looking up at the sky, thinking about how it felt to wake up next to Yuugao this morning and watch her wake up. It’s emotionally gratifying just to be around her.

When they were dating, Kurenai once told Raidou that, for all of the open wound, gushing blood type feelings they shared with each other, she always felt like there was a was a brick wall between them. She said this once, and he told her that the metaphor isn’t very creative, and she told him to go to hell. She brought it up when he turned thirty, and Raidou admitted that he had been pretty immature. As she looks up at him, Kurenai thinks that he is a very different person from who he was at twenty-four—not just physically, but emotionally. Baby Raidou would never have admitted that he thought he could be better, not because he doesn’t hate himself—because he does—but because he was disgusted by his own vulnerability, even though it’s all Kurenai wanted from him, in the end.

“I don’t want to be alone,” he says.

“You aren’t, and you never will be,” Kurenai replies. She means this sincerely. As long as she is around, he will always have someone to spend holidays with and to come home and cry to. His mouth twitches, and he shakes his head.

“No,” he says, “I mean, I want to share my life with someone, I think.”

“Oh?” she asks, “anyone in mind?” Raidou knows better than to look at her. The expression on her face will make him laugh.

“No,” he says, “not really.”

“Liar,” she says, “you wouldn’t ask this kind of question if there wasn’t someone on your mind.”

“Can’t a man want to improve himself for his own benefit? Why does it always have to be for a girl?” he asks.

“Because men are simple creatures,” she says in a sage voice.

“Does Asuma know how you really feel?” Raidou asks, looking at her. Kurenai grins.

“He’d agree with me.” Raidou rolls his eyes and looks ahead.

“Okay, fine,” he says, “there’s a someone.”

“Who?” Kurenai asks, looking up at the side of his jaw. Raidou smirks.

“I’m not telling,” he says, “it’s too soon.” Kurenai looks like she wants to say something, but before she can, Raidou spots Yuugao and Yamato on the other side of the street. He pauses, and looks at them intently, his mouth slightly open, like he wants to call out. Kurenai isn’t an idiot; she sees the way his eyes soften, his shallow inhale, the dumb kind of happiness in his face that makes his eyes crinkle. Kurenai keeps the following to herself, because if he says it’s too soon, it’s too soon, but he never looked at her the way he just looked at Yuugao.

Then, as if he willed it, Yuugao turns her head and smiles when she sees Raidou and Kurenai. Her entire face lights up, like Raidou’s, and Kurenai vows to keep this a secret, but when he turns to look back at Kurenai, and they continue their walk, Kurenai watches Yuugao keep her eyes on him until they are out of sight. Kurenai waves at Yuugao, just to see what she’ll do, and her grin is positively lupine from the way Yuugao tries not to frown at her. It means she likes him too.

**

Yuugao has a dining room table by the big window of her apartment. It is a perfect circle, and it’s made of actual wood. She is sitting at it, a leg bent up so that her chin rests on her knee, while she’s reading what Raidou assumes to be a report. It’s a cold, stormy night, the kind of weather that matches his current mood. He just got back from a mission that was a success, which means that he successfully killed someone. This time, the subject was a young woman with her entire life ahead of her.

Raidou doesn’t have to give his report until tomorrow, so he came here first. He doesn’t know if Yuugao wants to see him, but he would like to see her, and he doesn’t want to be alone. Raidou knocks on the glass, and Yuugao immediately looks up. She is wearing a big sweater he left here, and his sweatpants. The clothes swallow her up, and he wonders if the woman he killed wore her not-boyfriend’s clothes too.

When she sees his face in her window, Yuugao is immediately concerned. His face is distorted by the water on the glass, but she can tell that he’s upset. Otherwise, he’d use the door. She stands up and leaves the report on the table, walking over to the window and pushing it up and open. It’s cold and raining, the kind of weather she hates. Yuugao sticks her head out, staring right into Raidou’s face. He’s frowning, which isn’t anything new, but he had a hunted look in his eyes.

“Baby?” she asks. Raidou tilts his head, as he realizes that he hadn’t noticed the pet name until now. _When did I become her baby?_

“Can I come in?” he asks. She nods and stands back, saying nothing as he gets water everywhere. He immediately takes his shoes off and walks to her front door, setting them on the shoe rack. He doesn’t say anything as he takes off his sword, then his cloak and flak jacket. His posture is tense, and he moves stiffly through his hips and shoulders. Like he’s aged in the week she hasn’t seen him.

The headplate comes off next, before he turns and walks down the hall. Yuugao watches him, her arms crossed, wondering if he wants to fight with her but doesn’t know how. She walks back to the window and closes it, locking it. She closes the curtains next, before turning back to the table and placing the report back into its file. She looks at her mug of tea, before deciding to leave it and follow Raidou, wherever he went.

He’s in the bathroom, with the shower on. She opens the door and is immediately greeted by steam and the smell of her coconut bodywash. Yuugao takes off the big grey sweater, slips off the sweatpants, completely naked before she locks the bathroom door and steps into the shower behind him. Raidou’s skin looks pink and raw, from the heat and his aggressive scrubbing. He looks at her from the corner of his eye and grunts.

Yuugao knew where he was, what kind of mission he was on. She didn’t know that these missions took so much out of him.

She comes up behind him and rubs his back. He stops scrubbing, and his entire body relaxes. He still won’t look at her.

“Tell me what happened,” she says. Raidou groans and presses the heel of his hand to his forehead, like he could block out everything from the last week.

“You don’t want to know,” he replies.

“I want to know everything.” It’s the kind of thing he hasn’t heard since Kurenai. Raidou debates whether or not to tell Yuugao while she rubs more soap into his back. Eventually, he turns around, his face puffy. He says nothing, because it is all there.

**

Raidou has eaten himself out of her and had her in every way, and Yuugao supposes she ought to be ashamed of all the desperate things she has said to him, including but not limited to promising to weld herself to him, threatening to castrate him, and otherwise absorb him into her person. He didn’t bat an eye at any of the above. She did draw the line at talking about his babies, as a matter of pride. She’s not even desperate for the sex, anymore. She finds herself remembering little details about him, like the way he takes his coffee and his preference for green dish soap that smells like artificial apples. Each new thing she learns is immediately committed to memory. She heard him on the phone with Genma, complaining about how he couldn’t find the type of dish brush he prefers, so she kept her eye out and found a pack of three while on a mission in Kiri. He just blinked when she set them on his kitchen counter and went to take a shower.

Today is Thursday, August 28. Raidou is a Virgo, and Yuugao couldn’t help herself but to check on their compatibility. She grinned when she read about what a solid match they are, and while she doesn’t believe in vandalism, she did rip the page out of that library book and now keeps it, neatly folded, pinned to the inside of her vest. She isn’t allowed to carry pictures or mementos, but this is harmless enough.

The morning is overcast—there will be storms throughout the day. Not a wonderful omen for a birthday but Raidou is an old man at heart, so she’s sure he prefers it to sunshine. Today is her day off, and she is prepared to spend the whole day with him. Yuugao sits up in bed, nudging Raidou awake. He blinks awake, looking up at her.

“Guess what day it is.” She moves so she can sit on his stomach. Nothing is said about his morning wood. Raidou grunts, confused and a little annoyed to be woken up in the first place.

“Thursday.”

“August…?” Yuugao trails off, moving her hand in a circle as if to prompt a quicker response.

“Uh,” he says, “is it the twenty-fifth?” Yuugao sighs.

“No,” she says, “it’s the twenty-eighth.” Raidou’s face brightens.

“Oh,” he says, “it’s my birthday.” He smiles softly to himself. “That’s why Genma was insistent on hanging out tonight.” Yuugao feels her face tighten, as she remembers that Raidou has other people in his life.

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Raidou says, “he insisted that I hang out with him and a few of our other friends at that shinobi bar over in the westside of town. Let’s see, I think I promised Kurenai that we’d get lunch, and I have to get to work no later than ten…” he trails off, doing the daily task of listing everything he has to do during the day. Yuugao feels herself wilt a little; she had wanted to spend the day with him. But she doesn’t want to pout or make it into a thing, and she reminds herself that she is the cool girl who avoids emotional entanglements.

“Hey,” she says, shifting on his stomach. He blinks up at her, remembering that she is there. “I know how we should start your birthday.” She leans forward and kisses him softly. Raidou hums into her mouth and puts his hands up the giant shirt she wears to bed, thrilled to find that she isn’t wearing any underwear. He cups one of her breasts as she stretches up to take her shirt off. She kisses him again, even softer, and he feels the familiar thrum of lust in the pit of his stomach.

“It’s my birthday,” he says quietly. Yuugao grins.

“So it is,” she says softly.

“So, I get to tell you want to do?” he asks.

“Within reason,” she says.

“Well, I don’t really want to move, but I can’t just enter you,” he says, “would you like to sit on my face?” Yuugao blinks.

“You’re serious?” she asks, sitting up. Raidou nods.

“I am very serious,” he says, “giving out orgasms is almost as much fun as having them.” For him, it has always been this way. No one had to teach him or anything. It’s probably why he and Kurenai lasted as long as they did. Yuugao lifts up from his stomach and he slides down the bed, so his head is off the pillow. He uses his hands to bring her hips to his face, and she grips onto the headboard for leverage.

 _Chaotic feminine power_. Raidou thinks that is what Anko would say if she could see him right now. In all fairness, who wouldn’t bow down to Yuugao?

Yuugao sighs when he puts his mouth to her, relaxing as his tongue and fingers explore. He doesn’t have anything hanging over his headboard—his apartment doesn’t have much in the way of art. He has books, and a few of them are literary but he mostly likes reading the same pulpy detective novels as his parents, rereading them so that their spines are soft.

It’s all very functional. He keeps his place clean and tidy, and he is always looking for ways to maximize its functionality. She feels his tongue inside her, and she moans loudly. Yes, his space is very utilitarian so there aren’t a lot of decorations. He bought her a bowl to put all her lip balm and bobby pins and ponytails in, after he got tired of tripping over everything. It has little violets painted all over it. Other than that, there are a few photos, his CDs, and a stereo.

Yuugao permits herself to fantasize about what it would be like to actually claim her place in his life. Maybe she’d buy him a few prints, a nice throw blanket or pillow; she’d help him repaint his furniture, and she could give him plants, and they would be so, so happy. Yuugao’s fantasy dissolves when Raidou slides another finger in, and all she can focus on is him. Someone who smells good even when he hasn’t showered for a week, who always makes sure that she gets hers. She feels melty and hot, and she moans extra loud so he can hear her.

Raidou likes how she tastes as much as the sounds she makes, so he keeps going, even when she curses him out and clenches around him. She moves off of his face, sitting on his tummy, looking at him. They make eye contact, before she wordlessly moves down, pulls his boxers down and lowers herself onto his erection. She smiles like she’s done a wicked thing and rolls her hips forward. Raidou thrusts up slow, making her work a little hard, because it is his birthday. It’s like she itches for him, and she’s constantly trying to line them up, so he scratches the right spot. His hands are on her hips while her palms are pressed to his chest, fingers splayed out. It’s still a little dark out, but they can see each other’s faces clearly. Both mouths parted, making breathy noises, flush rising, rising, rising until he hits home, and she sees white spots behind her eyelids.

Two big inhales, as she arches her back, and then stretches it, leaning over him. “You gave it like it is _my_ birthday,” she says. Raidou grins; _that_ compliment makes thirty-five feel like it’s worth it.

“You know, you should come to the bar with me tonight,” he says, “you already know everyone there.” He’d also like to minimize Genma and Kurenai fussing over him and to avoid Anko’s invasive line of questioning concerning his love life. However, what he really, really wants is for Yuugao to publicly acknowledge their relationship. “You can bring Yamato.” Yuugao frowns, because, while she knows everyone going, she knows them as Hayate’s friends.

“I don’t know…” she trails off, looking away as Raidou wilts beneath her.

“Oh, okay,” he says.

“You should come over for dinner,” she says quickly, “I’ll make a cake and everything.”

“You’ll make me a cake, but you won’t go to the bar?” he asks. Yuugao frowns.

“I’m just not ready,” she says in a small voice. She doesn’t turn around, but she knows that Daydream Hayate is there, at the end of the bed, watching both of them. Raidou nods, deciding to let this one go, even though it hurts.

“I understand.” He doesn’t, but he would like to; but she needs to find the words first.

**

Raidou, who, let it be known, is a total fucking chump, went and had dinner with Yuugao. He didn’t realize she paid such close attention to the kind of foods he likes—she even remembered his exact favorite brand of beer. They talked about his day—work was slow, Kurenai took him to a diner for lunch and insisted that they order breakfast, Genma used a thesaurus to come up with new ways to call him old even though Raidou is only four years older—and Raidou doesn’t know this for sure, but Yuugao seemed a little sad to not be more included.

True to her word, she made him a cake. A little cake, with pink frosting and strawberries on it, because she wanted it to be pretty, just for him. It tasted good, too, although it’s a little sad to share a cake between two people, especially when they both know that there are other people who would’ve gladly celebrated with them.

But being alone carries certain advantages, the first one being that they don’t have to hide or kick anyone out when they decide to fuck around. Yuugao pressed her palms to the kitchen counter as Raidou took her from behind, her dress pulled down and up while his pants were at his ankles. He pressed a hand over hers, and she lifted her hand so that his fingers could come under her palm, and he gummed her shoulder as her hand pressed down. She told him to go faster, to use her, to treat her like a thing, and they somehow both came, sweaty around their temples and panting heavily. _Happy birthday baby_ , she panted, squeezing his hand while he felt his semen trickle out of her.

Because he is an even bigger chump than he originally thought he was, he agreed to come back to her when she asked him to. He has her spare key in his pocket, and it makes him feel very self-conscious. Genma sits beside him while Kurenai is on the other side, so that they can triangulate around him. Asuma is beside Kurenai, talking to Aoba and Anko, who may or may not have brought a selection of illicit substances to the bar, while Guy and Kakashi are doing one of their dumb contests, with poor Shizune roped in as a judge. Ibiki is busy and Ebisu isn’t really their friend (it’s a long story, but basically, he made a rude remark about Kurenai to Genma’s face and the latter sent him flying in a long, shallow arc that would have been beautiful if Ebisu hadn’t cracked three ribs and Genma been taken off of the mission roster for two weeks—Guy and Kakashi will hang out with Ebisu, but everyone else steers clear).

“You look like you’re thirty-five,” Genma says, “I really see it in that wrinkle on your forehead.”

“Genma, you’re so rude,” Kurenai says, “Raidou, I think you look handsome.” He is pretty sure that Genma and Kurenai like making him the sole focus of their attention much more than he likes it, but they’ve put a lot of thought into his birthday, so he won’t deny them his attention.

“You don’t think my wrinkles are cute?” Raidou asks, sipping his beer.

“You’ve always been cute to me,” she winks. They loved each other in a big way and nearly drove each other insane at least twice, which is why Kurenai and Raidou can flirt with each other without it meaning anything.

“Gross,” Genma says, “he has a girlfriend, you know.” He grins when Raidou glares at him, while Kurenai’s eyes go wide as she looks up at him.

“A girlfriend?” she asks, genuinely surprised. When they spoke about it last, he made it sound like there was no commitment. Raidou looks at her, knowing exactly what she is thinking as soon as that dumb smile spreads across her face.

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“You spend an awful lot of time with her,” Genma hums.

“Well, you don’t put out and I have to get my dick wet somehow,” Raidou huffs. Genma gives him the middle finger, while Kurenai sets her elbows on the table, crossing her arms.

“Maybe if you weren’t so rude, I’d think about it,” Genma retorts. Raidou sticks out his tongue, like a child, a gesture which looks strange on a grown man.

“You’re missing out, Raidou,” Kurenai says, “some of my best make outs have been with Genma.”

“You were both high, if memory serves.” Historically, when Genma and Kurenai get high, they almost always end up making out. Even when she was dating Raidou, and it’s happened a few times since she’s gotten with Asuma, but it was at its worst when she and Genma were both single. They’d take a pill, get high and giggly and look into each other’s eyes and wander off, and soon they’d be found in a corner, laughing into each other’s mouths. It didn’t bug Raidou and it doesn’t bother Asuma because it really and truly doesn’t feel like it’s cheating when it’s with Genma. And as Asuma so aptly put it, _at least they are distracting each other and staying out of trouble_.

“Take a pill and make out with Genma,” Kurenai says, “it’ll change your perspective on life.”

“I’m a life changing kisser, Raidou,” Genma smirks, “you’re missing out.”

“I’ll pass,” Raidou deadpans. “I’m still not over the time Kurenai offered to blow you and your response was ‘no thank you,’ and you held her hand all the way home.” Kurenai blushes and Genma shrugs. The two of them had been stupid high, and Raidou and Asuma and Shizune all sat and watched Kurenai proposition Genma, him taking her face in his hands and kissing her forehead after he turned down her offer. Then, Genma insisted on holding her hand when they left the bar and held her hair back when Kurenai puked in an alley. He even used his sleeve to clean her face, and said ‘shhh, you’re fine.’ Kurenai asked him if they should have a big sleepover with Raidou, Asuma and Shizune, and Genma shook his head, replying that Raidou and Asuma definitely snore and that Shizune is probably really cranky in the morning. Then, taking Kurenai’s hand in his, Genma turned around and waved, before they waddled back to his place, hand in hand. Shizune, Raidou and Asuma blinked, and in all honesty, if Shizune hadn’t been there, Raidou and Asuma would’ve just gone home, but she made them follow Kurenai and Genma until they safely got back his apartment.

“Genma is a class act and a gentleman,” Kurenai says, crossing her arms.

“I know how to treat a girl,” Genma replies.

“The door is always open to you,” Kurenai says, and when Genma grins, Raidou realizes that they have mercifully forgotten about Yuugao. _Maybe there is a god_.

“It’d better be,” Genma says, “I’m the prettiest.” Kurenai smiles.

“Want me to smear lip balm on your lips?” she asks. Genma shrugs.

“Maybe later,” he says, “but definitely if we make out.”

“You’re missing out,” Kurenai turns to Raidou, winking again.

“What you two have is beautiful,” Raidou drawls, “I’m not worthy.” Kurenai makes a troubled face, and looks like she would like to challenge him, but Anko declares that they all need to do shots because she’s bored, and Raidou is spared the ‘don’t be so hard on yourself’ lecture that Kurenai always has ready for him.

**

Today had been a day full of meetings—performance reviews, staff retreats, strategic planning—the whole she-bang. As such, pretty much everyone had to wear ‘business casual’ today, even though they all find suits and ties uncomfortable and constricting, and no one looks at pencil skirts and high heels and thinks they are in any way practical. Kurenai made sure to sit between Raidou and Asuma, because they take pity on her and won’t make her walk in heels if they have to go up and get a form or coffee. Genma does no such thing, and makes faces at her when bored, even though Raidou sits between them. How Genma doesn’t get caught, Raidou will never know.

When he got home, he immediately changed back into his uniform, and decided to go see if Yuugao wants to hang out tonight. Maybe they can watch a movie. Talk about their work week. Boring stuff, really. He just wants to spend as much time as he can with Yuugao, which reinforces what a total chump he is, but as he gets to her door, he decides not to think about it.

He knocks once, twice, before Yuugao opens the door. She is wearing nothing but black, opaque tights that sit high on her waist and dig into her sides. He knows she isn’t wearing underwear; she once explained that because her tights have a gusset, she can go commando and still be considered a lady. Her hair is piled in a messy bun on the top of her head, with pieces sticking out, and there are smudges around her eyes, leftovers from makeup. Her nipple ring glints in a way that distracts Raidou.

“Hi,” she says. Yuugao had been sitting on her couch, trying to meditate and avoid looking at Daydream Hayate, who is standing by the window.

“You busy?” Raidou asks. Yuugao shakes her head, and lets him in. He watches her back as she goes back to the couch and flops down. Raidou takes off his shoes, smiling. “Bad day?”

“Horrible day,” she sighs, “murderous day. Wasted day.”

“Really, that bad?”

“I hate business casual,” Yuugao says, “we’re shinobi, we shouldn’t wear suits.”

“This, we can agree on,” Raidou hums, walking over to the couch. Yuugao makes space for him, bending her legs.

“I just…I want things to be easy, like when I was a kid.” Yuugao sighs, tilting her head to look at Raidou. “Do you ever feel that way?”

“Less so than when I was in my twenties,” he replies, “I just want to be boring, honestly.”

“Boring?” Yuugao asks. Raidou nods.

“I would very much like to have a boring life,” he says, “no drama or intrigue.”

“What does this boring life look like?” she asks. _Is there any room for me?_ Daydream Hayate coughs, and Yuugao feels a twinge of guilt.

“I’m sitting on a chair, drinking a beer, with a hand down my pants, saying nothing.” He smiles when Yuugao giggles. “What?”

“A hand down your pants?” she asks. He nods.

“Next time you’re alone, doing nothing, just try it,” he says, “it’s relaxing.”

“Do you touch yourself?” Yuugao asks. Raidou shrugs.

“Sometimes. I just like sitting like that,” he replies.

“You don’t think about…anything else?” she asks. Raidou knows her angle, but he decides to play dumb.

“Well, no.” There is an awkward pause. “It’s just me.” Yuugao’s lip twitches, and while she knows this is unfair to ask, she would really, really like to know where she fits into his long-term plans, even though he appears to have none whatsoever.

“That sounds depressing,” she replies.

“I enjoy solitude,” he says, leaning back on the couch.

“But you’re here, when you could be alone,” she hums, sitting up.

“I didn’t say that I prefer solitude, I just enjoy it,” Raidou shifts on his side of the couch. “I came here because I didn’t want to be alone. I don’t even really want to have sex.” Yuugao smiles.

“You don’t have to be alone if I’m in town.” She stands up in front of Raidou and takes off his forehead protector. “But you are still dressed like you are on duty.” She sets it on the coffee table, and pushes his flak jacket off before going to hang it by the door. “And undo your belt and take that pouch off.” She doesn’t even look over her shoulder as she walks to the door. Raidou unbuckles his belt and sets it and the pouch on the coffee table, by his forehead protector. He thinks that it’s pretty funny that she wants him to be so at home in her space yet, she won’t go on a date with him.

“What are we going to do Yuugao?” he asks. She disappears into the kitchen and he hears the fridge open, with the familiar clink of beer bottles. A moment later, she comes out holding two open bottles of beer, smiling.

“We’re going to drink beer with a hand in our pants,” she says, “or, I guess, mine will be in my tights.” Raidou snorts.

“Okay,” he replies, taking the beer she offers. He clinks his bottle against hers, before taking a sip and watching her stick her left hand down the front of her tights, so it hangs just under her bellybutton.

“Your tights will make your wrist go numb,” he says.

“So?” she replies, tucking her legs under herself. Raidou takes another sip of his beer. Yuugao watches him swallow, before eyeing both of his hands, neither of which are in his pants. “Why don’t you have a hand down your pants?” Raidou blinks at her.

“Is it a requirement?”

“Maybe,” she replies. Raidou shrugs.

“That’s not a yes,” he hums. Yuugao decides to let him have this one, because she doesn’t really want to bicker over something so petty.

“How was your day?” she asks, sipping her beer. Raidou shrugs.

“I wore a suit all day,” he says. “I felt very constricted.”

“And you changed into your uniform when you got home?” she asks, smiling. It’s how he can tell that she is teasing him.

“It’s comfortable,” he replies.

“I get it,” she says.

“Do you?” he asks, “don’t knock breathable fabrics.” Yuugao giggles.

“You’re such an old man,” she says.

“Kurenai and Genma always tell me that my personality makes more sense the older I get,” he says, smiling when Yuugao laughs again. “Okay, it’s not that funny.”

“It is,” she gasps, “it’s very funny, how much of an old man you are, considering…” Yuugao trails off, smiling to herself. Raidou raises an eyebrow.

“Considering?” he asks.

“Well, you know, how…” she says, bobbing her head from side to side, smiling.

“No, I don’t,” he replies, feeling a little nervous. Yuugao sips her beer, and she doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or her overall silly mood, but she decides to tease him a little.

“Well, it’s funny that you’re such an old man, but your dick stays hard like you’re in your twenties.” Yuugao smiles at the face Raidou makes. “It’s a compliment.”

“I’m thirty-five,” he says, “I’m not that old.”

“I’m twenty-four, she says, innocently. He snorts.

“Your birthday is like, two months away,” he says. Yuugao tilts her head.

“You remembered my birthday?” she says in a quiet voice. Raidou blinks at her.

“Well, yeah,” he says, “you kept making me read out your horoscope, and it just sort of stuck one day.” Yuugao opens and closes her mouth. She didn’t notice when Raidou stopped asking for her birthday when she asked him to read out her horoscope.

“I didn’t realize that you paid so much attention,” she says. She feels her hand fall asleep against her tummy, while Raidou rolls his eyes and stands up.

“I’m not as dumb as I look,” he says, setting his beer down. Yuugao watches him pull out his phone. He frowns at the screen, before typing out a message.

“What is it?” Yuugao asks.

“Kurenai and Genma are at the bar with our other friends,” he says, “they want to get hammered.”

“Hammered,” she hums, “are you going to go?” Raidou pauses, looking at Yuugao.

“Do you want to go?” he asks.

“In just my tights?” she asks, joking. Raidou grins.

“It’s not the sluttiest thing any of us has seen,” he replies, “and I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen each other naked at this point.”

“Your hot ex-girlfriend will be there,” Yuugao says, “I imagine seeing Genma’s penis because you’re changing in front of each other is different than seeing Kurenai.” Raidou makes an unreadable expression, his lip twitching.

“It’s not like that,” he says softly. Kurenai is his first love; she’s beautiful, but his love for her is deeper than that. ‘Hot ex-girlfriend’ cheapens what they had. He wouldn’t know how to be so good to Yuugao if Kurenai hadn’t trained him (it’s the inverse with Asuma—not that he would be grateful).

Yuugao tilts her head, frowning. “Did I say something wrong?” she asks. Raidou shrugs.

“Kurenai isn’t just my hot ex-girlfriend,” he says, “she’s special to me, and she’s more to me than a girl I used to date. She’s one of my best friends.”

“You’re best friends with an ex?” Yuugao asks, curious. Hayate has been her only real boyfriend.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Raidou says, picking up his beer. “We didn’t stop loving each other because our partnership didn’t work out.” Arguably, their breakup was one of the most loving things they ever did for each other. It had been sad at the time, but it needed to happen. He feels a little bad that it put her off of Asuma for as long as it did, but Raidou didn’t mind when they got together. He wants her to be happy, and she never looked at him the way she looks at Asuma.

“That’s very mature,” Yuugao says, “I don’t know if I would be the same.”

“When you care about someone, it doesn’t go away,” he says. “Do you want to go out?” Yuugao considers his double-speak, how it would feel to go somewhere as Raidou’s girl.

She looks over her shoulder, and looks at Daydream Hayate, who stands by the window, like he’s guarding them. He always looks sad, but he never looks uncomfortable with Raidou; he even appears to accept him, even if he doesn’t like it. _Maybe he wants to keep us safe._ Hayate can’t do that if they leave this apartment. Yuugao looks back at Raidou and shakes her head. “I want to leave my hand down my tights.” Raidou says nothing, typing out a message and hitting send. He leaves his phone on the coffee table, before excusing himself to go to the bathroom.

His phone lights up while he’s peeing, and Yuugao picks it up, because she’s curious. It’s a message from Kurenai: _Genma says that you’re dead to us_ , with an upside down, smiling emoji. She looks at the lock screen: it’s an ugly kind of bird, with a big ugly beak which looks almost like a clog, and ugly blue-grey feathers, but with a pretty green eye. Another message pops up on the screen: _Scratch that: you never existed to us_. A third: _She better be prettier than Genma and I combined_. Yuugao smiles, despite herself.

When Raidou comes back into the room, drying his hands on his pants, he catches Yuugao smiling at his phone. He clears his throat, and she smiles when she sees him.

“Kurenai and Genma really want to see you,” she says, holding his phone out to him. Raidou walks over and takes it out of her hands. He doesn’t say anything immediately, reading Kurenai’s messages. A fourth one pops up: _Genma and I are getting married tonight and you’re not invited_ , with a winky face emoji.

“Kurenai and Genma need someone to triangulate with, they’ll latch onto Asuma or Aoba or whoever else is there,” he says, not bothering to answer their messages.

“What’s that bird on your lock screen?” Yuugao asks. Raidou places his phone on the coffee table.

“A shoebill crane,” he says, “they’re the ugliest things I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s kinda pretty, in an ugly way,” Yuugao hums, setting her beer on the coffee table. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving,” he says. He hasn’t eaten since lunch.

“You should’ve told me,” she says, standing up. “I’ll put actual clothes on, and I can cook something. Sound good?” Raidou nods, frowning when his phone starts buzzing. He picks it up, and Yuugao laughs at the frustrated noise he makes when Anko shrieks into his ear.

“Fucking hell, Anko,” he grumbles, while Yuugao walks into bedroom. She takes of her tights and pulls on a pair of leggings and his ugly cactus shirt, not bothering with underwear, before walking into the living room and seeing him looking at the ceiling, looking like he wants to die while Anko very loudly tells him that unless his dick is getting sucked, he needs to come out now. Yuugao mouths _should I?_ Raidou shakes his head and waves his hand, rolling his eyes when Anko starts loudly trying to harass Asuma to get on the phone. Yuugao walks up to him and kisses him while Asuma tells Anko to just leave Raidou the fuck alone _, the man will never speak to any of us again and I can’t blame him_ —when Yuugao plucks the phone from Raidou’s hand and ends the call, before turning the phone off.

“I don’t think they would’ve left you alone,” she says. Raidou sighs.

“You’re probably right,” he says, “they like having everyone together.”

“You know, I think Asuma is my favorite of all your friends,” she says, “he isn’t a cock block.”

“A cock block,” Raidou says, “huh. I’ll tell Genma and Kurenai and Anko that it’s their number one talent.”

“Oh, Genma and Kurenai are also really good at picking out ugly shirts. I think that’s talent number one,” Yuugao says, holding out her shirt, “exhibit A.” She holds it out, stretching the front of the shirt so the image is square. It creates a gap, and Raidou, in one of his goofier moods, grabs her hips and sticks his head up her shirt. Yuugao squeaks as he presses his face into her stomach, feeling his nose in her bellybutton, and he smiles when he feels her pulse in his brain.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent most of January writing stuff for this, which is why I'm breezing right through. I'm going to get back to The Rave soon. Feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think, I love 'em.


	4. Before Common Era Part IV

“But you’re holding me like water in your hands”

Phoebe Bridgers, “Moon Song”

Saying nothing, Anko, Asuma, Genma, Aoba and Kakashi are all watching Raidou jab a senbon into the table. He hasn’t said anything. Raidou just sat down and killed the mood. They all look at each other, hoping someone will take initiative and speak first, before Raidou destroys the table and gets them all kicked out. If Guy were here, he would bite the bullet, and Raidou just naturally opens up to Kurenai. But both are on missions with their genin and, quite frankly, don’t patronize establishments that look like they might give you a staph infection. Aoba and Anko don’t care and Raidou, Asuma, Genma and Kakashi are too cheap to suggest a nicer place.

And a nicer place wouldn’t have bar staff who would let a patron use a weapon to carve into the table. Asuma leans over the table to see if Raidou is making a design, when they look up at the same time and make eye contact.

“You want to tell us what’s wrong?” Asuma asks. Raidou frowns.

“I think the table would appreciate it,” Aoba adds.

“Is it girl trouble?” Anko asks. The three of them have a way of disorienting someone enough to prompt emotional honesty. Asuma presents himself as a father figure, while Aoba cracks a joke, and Anko follows up be being the little sister you never asked for.

Raidou sets the senbon down and presses his lips together. Yuugao declined another date. He just wanted to see a movie, and it was the kind she’d like. All he did was ask, and he watched her face twist before she turned away and claimed to be busy tonight. _She probably took Yamato to see that movie_. Raidou isn’t jealous, rather, he’s annoyed that Yuugao acts like his girlfriend and then refuses to go on dates or to talk about what they are. It is emotionally confusing.

“There’s this girl—.”

“I knew it was a girl,” Anko says. Everyone stares at her for being rude, but she has seen all of these guys puke in flowerpots and listened to them whine about their feelings too often to care about being polite.

“She acts like my girlfriend, but she always says no to dates or holding my hand in public—”

“You like PDA?” Anko asks. “You’re the least affectionate person I know.”

“Well, I’ve never wanted to hold your hand, have I?” Raidou hits back.

“You don’t hold hands with Genma, and you’re with him all the time,” Anko says, putting a French fry into her mouth, “the only person you ever let touch you is Kurenai, and that’s because she’s all you have left. Well, except for Genma.” Anko smacks her lips obnoxiously.

“There is nothing wrong with being selective, Anko,” Aoba answers for Raidou, whose mouth is open, unsure of how to reinsert himself in a conversation that it, ostensibly, about him and his problems.

“How does it feel to not make the cut, Genma?” Anko gives him an evil look, and he rolls his eyes.

“Who says I want to hold Raidou’s hand?” Genma drawls, “I bet he doesn’t moisturize.” Asuma snorts at that one, while Aoba and Anko openly laugh. Genma offers Raidou a shit-eating grin, his senbon poking out of the corner of his mouth.

“I don’t know why I bother…” Raidou rubs his face, “look, this girl acts like my girlfriend, but doesn’t want to do any of the things you’d expect. Like, she wants to have sex with me and hang out with me, but she doesn’t want people to know we’re together.”

“Sounds like she just doesn’t like you as much as you like her,” Aoba says, shrugging.

“Not so fast, Aoba,” Anko says, “what kinds of things does she do?” All the guys groan, because the last thing they want to know is the intimate details of a non-relationship, but Anko glares at all of them, before turning back to Raidou. “Share your problems with the class.”

“She makes my bed in the morning. Nicely.”

“And?” Anko moves her hand in circles, prompting him to speak more. Raidou looks around, and no one else seems interested, but Anko only looks more and more impatient. “Do you want girl advice from an actual girl, or do you want to be at a table with these miserable assholes for the rest of your life?”

“That’s rude,” Genma says, “and Asuma and Kurenai happy.”

“Kurenai leaves him for a week, and where does he end up?” Anko asks, “ _here_.” Asuma chooses not to rise to her taunt.

“Let’s focus on Raidou,” Aoba says, “c’mon, give us more information.”

“She shaves my face for me, like, all the time. Like, she volunteers and gets mad if I do it myself. She always does the dishes, even though I never ask. She has memorized all of my systems—loading the dishwasher, organizing my kitchen and books and CDs, that kind of thing. She bought me the specific dish brushes I like, the ones that they discontinued selling here.” He tilts his head to the side. “She got mad when I told her that I was coming out here tonight, even though I invited her to come!” Raidou frowns when Anko laughs.

“Sounds like she’s your girlfriend,” she says, “she just hasn’t told you yet.”

“What do you mean?” he asks, eyes big like when he was a clueless little kid.

“She does all the boring stuff.” Anko sticks another fry into her mouth.

“But—”

“But what? I have never done anything for a man, even when I like him a lot.” Anko talks with her mouth full.

“It’s true,” Aoba says, “I’ve never seen Anko be nice to a man.”

“She’s nice to you,” Genma says.

“It doesn’t count if I’m not angling to fuck,” Aoba replies, “isn’t that right Anko?” He turns to her in deference, and she nods sagely.

“There’s nothing funner than being mean to a guy who wants to have sex with you,” Anko says, “honestly, it sounds like she really likes you, and if you wait for her to figure all of her issues out, I’m sure you’ll be happy together.” Raidou still looks troubled, so Anko decides to double down. “I bet if you slept with someone else, she’d consider it cheating.”

“I’m not going to sleep with someone else,” Raidou says.

“See, you pretty much _are_ her boyfriend! And so well trained,” Anko hums the last bit, picking up a frying and sticking it into Aoba’s mouth. She feeds him right out of her hands, like he’s her baby.

“No, I’m just not a dick,” Raidou says, “look, I just want to go to the movies with her. I’m done with Genma.”

“Wow, rude,” Genma says, “I am a great movie date. I pay for my own popcorn and everything. I’ll even hold your hand if you ask using please.”

“You always talk at the worse times, and you ask me what’s happening while the movie is on!” Having watched movies with Yuugao, he knows that she would be quiet and hold his hand.

“I would never leave you hanging!” Genma says, “you get my full commitment.”

“She’s also definitely hotter than you,” Aoba says, “Raidou has a thing for pretty.”

“I think Genma is pretty,” Anko says, “you, on the other hand, I could never, in a million, zillion years, see Raidou try to bang.”

“See, I’m pretty, I’m committed,” Genma holds up his fingers, counting the reasons he is a good date for Raidou. Asuma and Kakashi sit back and watch the chaos, while Raidou looks even more over it than he was before.

“You’ll never suck Raidou’s dick,” Anko says, “that’s a pretty big drawback.”

“You know, I would consider it if Raidou treated me nicely,” Genma says.

“I don’t want a blow job, I want emotional clarity!” Raidou says this a little too loudly. Patrons at surrounding tables all look at him, until he crosses his arms and glowers at them.

“Big Bad Raidou wants a girl to hold his hand,” Anko says, “who would have thought?”

“Not me,” Genma says, “I thought you were going to be alone forever.” Raidou sighs and rubs his face.

“You know, I like this girl so much, that I can’t even say that being alone is my ideal lifestyle.” Raidou sighs, “I’m fucked.”

“Sounds like it,” Aoba says. No one adds anything after that.

**

Raidou is right—Yuugao did want to see that movie, so she took Yamato with her instead. He decided that they should go get a late dinner after, which is why they are now eating ramen in one of the stalls all over Konoha. Yamato is slurping up his noodles, while Yuugao watches him, smiling. She likes how his jaw fits into his head, how no matter how old he gets, he turns into a delighted little kid when he’s eating ramen. Yuugao rests her chin on her fist, watching him. He pauses, blinking at her, noodles hanging out how his mouth.

Rather than slurp them up, he bites through them, uneaten noodles falling back into the broth. He chews his noodles, while Yuugao stirs her ramen around the bowl.

“You’re not eating,” he says after he swallows his food. Yuugao shrugs.

“I like watching you eat,” she says, smiling at him. Yamato snorts.

“Aren’t you seeing someone?” he asks. Yuugao grins, picking up a piece of pork with her chopsticks.

“Is he here?” she asks, sticking the meat in her mouth. Yamato rolls his eyes.

“He’d probably like to have you watch him eat,” he replies, “you make me feel self-conscious.”

“I’m trying to make you feel adored,” she hums around the food in her mouth. It’s their little game; he pretends he doesn’t like her attention, and she gives it anyway.

“You’ll choke if you eat and talk at the same time,” Yamato says, stirring his chopsticks in the broth.

“You sound like my mother,” Yuugao says, swallowing.

“I bet you haven’t told her that you’re seeing someone,” he says, picking up his Pepsi. He’s right, of course. As far as Yuugao’s mother knows, she has been chaste since Hayate’s death, and admitting to being punched in by Big Bad Raidou destroys that illusion.

“You’d be right,” she says, looking away from him. Yamato says nothing, sipping his Pepsi. He once told her that Coke tastes weird—it’s less sweet, according to him. If he’s going to destroy his organs, he’s going to do it properly.

“So, are you ever going to let him take you to a movie?” Yamato asks. She frowns, since she feels a little guilty about not even trying to steal the movie off the internet to watch with Raidou. She doesn’t think he’ll care about the movie so much as the fact that he wanted to see it with her, and she went and saw it with Yamato instead. Yamato eyes her, knowing that she feels guilty but not sure why.

“Why do you look like that?”

“Like what?” she asks in a high-pitched voice. He frowns.

“Like you did something you don’t want to tell me about,” he replies. The last time she looked like that, she had been sixteen and told him that she had forgotten to make him a birthday cake. The thing with being Anbu is that you feel guilty about the most innocent things; missed anniversaries, forgotten phone calls, unbaked birthday cakes.

“He wanted to see the movie with me,” she says in a small voice. “Suggested the time and everything.” Yamato frowns, and for once in his life, he can say that she has genuinely disappointed him.

“Yuugao…” he sighs, “that’s pretty bad.” It’s even worse that she’s made him an accessory to her emotional avoidance.

“Yeah,” she sighs, picking up her water.

“He doesn’t deserve that,” Yamato says, “where is he? You should go make it up to him.”

“He’s out with his friends,” Yuugao sips her water, hoping it will make her feel better. It doesn’t—she just feels thirstier.

“So? Meet up with them. I’ll go with you,” Yamato says, feeling guilty. He sighs when her face looks even more pinched. “His friends don’t know?”

“I’m not ready…” she says, looking away. “They were Hayate’s friends first.” Yamato blinks as the statement sinks in. Guy and Ibiki are gay, Kakashi would tell him and Asuma is with Kurenai—that leaves Aoba, Genma and Raidou.

“Who is it?” he asks.

“Raidou,” she says in a low voice. Yuugao bites her lip, tapping the counter. “I really do like him.”

“But?”

“It feels too soon,” Yuugao says. Yamato frowns, looking down at his soup.

“It’ll always feel too soon until you do it,” he says, before turning back to his meal. They say nothing until it’s time to pay the bill.

**

Raidou is brushing his teeth, watching the nape of Yuugao’s neck intently. She isn’t washing her hair tonight, so she has twisted is up into a bun on her head. The steam from the shower makes her body glisten, and it’s late and they are both so tired that they couldn’t be bothered to turn the actual light on, so there is only the orange glow of a nightlight preventing them from bumping into each other.

Although he cannot see it, he knows that there’s a freckle below her hairline. If he were to press his palm over her right deltoid, he’d feel the scar tissue of her tattoo, where the ink refused to take and had to be touched up. She came in so frequently that eventually, the personnel practically gauged the skin to keep it there. _I didn’t cry_ , she said. Yuugao had been thirteen. She met Hayate that year. At that time, Raidou was twenty-three with a nasty scar and madly in love with Kurenai. A scar isn’t a tattoo, especially since Raidou definitely never asked for it, but they are a point of connection, for him at least.

The back of her neck glistens, and the steam from the shower rises, and Raidou wonders if the mint toothpaste will make her nape tingle when he presses his mouth right to it.

**

Raidou frowns, holding a tomato in his hand, inspecting it carefully. He is very picky about his tomatoes, to the point where he will ignore Yuugao when she tries to get his attention. She is standing beside him, staring at the three freckles on his neck, that sit just below his hairline. Or, well, she thought they were freckles, but now that she’s looking at them in broad daylight, they don’t look right. His freckles are usually a red-brown, and these are small, black spots.

Yuugao places her hand on his neck, running the pad of her pointer over the three spots on his neck. He isn’t paying attention to her, since he is more or less used to her picking at him. She won’t hold his hand, but she’ll pick fluff and hairs off of him; yes, this confuses him too.

Yuugao leans in close, getting on her toes to look at them. “Is this a tattoo?” she asks. Raidou doesn’t bother turning to look at her, as he puts a tomato in plastic bag.

“Those three dots?”

“Yes,” Yuugao replies, coming off of her toes, setting her hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he says, picking up another tomato. He was twenty-two, in love, and stupid. There isn’t much to the story.

“What does it mean?” she asks in a quiet voice.

“Nothing,” he says, “Kurenai just likes the number three and wanted to get matching tattoos.”

“You and Kurenai have matching tattoos?” Yuugao restates it as a question, and Raidou nods, looking at the tomato in his hand.

“Yeah,” he says, “stick and poke. She jabbed me in the neck, and I put hers on the back of her leg.” Right below her butt, but he isn’t a complete idiot, so he isn’t going to say that. Yuugao touches those dots again, frowning.

“We should get matching tattoos,” she says, crossing her arms. Raidou doesn’t say anything for a minute, which is how Yuugao can tell that he is trying to figure out how to politely decline. “You don’t want to,” she says, disappointed.

“You don’t even want to hold my hand in public,” he turns to look at her, a soft expression on his face. Yuugao frowns.

“That’s different,” she says.

“Is it?” he replies, tucking the tomato into the bag. Yuugao holds up the basket as he ties a knot in the bag, setting it down onto the fish, broccoli, and cucumber already in the basket. Yuugao doesn’t immediately answer his question, following him to where the apples are. They don’t say anything as Raidou opens a produce bag and picks up an apple.

“They would be for you and me,” she finally says. Raidou sighs.

“The problem is that it is you and me,” he replies, “not an ‘us’ or ‘we.’ Besides, it’s just a tattoo.”

“Then why won’t you get one?”

“Because you’re not my girlfriend,” Raidou says, irritated. “You won’t even let me take you on a date, but you want a permanent reminder of me carved into you?” Yuugao makes a face.

“It’d be different if you didn’t have a tattoo from another woman…” Yuugao says, knowing that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

“Kurenai was the first girl I loved in a big way,” he says. She wasn’t just some other woman, and while Raidou is a chump he isn’t going to sell Kurenai short. “Look, I don’t want to have this conversation right now.”

“Oh,” Yuugao says, consciously not emoting. Raidou looks at her, feeling sorry for shutting her down. In a way, she was just trying to open up to him.

“Yeah,” he says, placing an apple in a bag, “we could get temporary tattoos.” She wants to retort that she doesn’t think their relationship is temporary, but he isn’t wrong, and it would be rude for her to spit in his face.

“Yes,” she says, “I’d like that.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes, and Raidou sighs. He sets his bag of apples into the basket, before standing up to his full height, standing over her. 

“Look, Yuugao—,” he says, wanting to reassure her that she’s free to be pissed at him, that she doesn’t have to be okay or cool or down when he upsets her, when he hears a throat clearing behind him and smells cigarette smoke. Raidou turns his head to see none other than Aoba and Asuma standing behind him, both eyeing him and Yuugao.

“Howdy,” Aoba says.

“Are you making Yuugao carry your groceries?” Asuma asks, pointing at the basket. Yuugao grips the handles tight, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Some people are considerate towards their elders,” Raidou says, turning to face his ‘friends,’ arms crossed. Neither Asuma nor Aoba miss the way Raidou stands in front of Yuugao, who looks uncertain.

“So, you finally admit that you’re old,” Aoba replies. Raidou narrows his eyes and looks like he wants to say something rude, but Asuma steps in.

“We’re going out to the bar tonight,” he says, “you should come.”

“Genma already texted me,” Raidou says, “and then Kurenai sent a text, and then Kurenai and Genma started a group text. The two of you need to do a better job of entertaining them.” Asuma rolls his eyes.

“You should both come,” Asuma says, “I bet Yuugao is more fun than you.” Raidou’s face twists, before he looks back at Yuugao, who looks uncomfortable. Her knuckles are white, and she looks like she is looking for an escape.

“I can’t,” she says quickly, “I’m busy.” It hurts to see the way Raidou’s lip twitches, but she isn’t ready for people to know (maybe she’ll never be ready).

“Bummer,” Aoba says, looking right at Raidou, who looks like he is trying very hard to not look upset. Asuma eyes Yuugao, who steps up behind Raidou, looking up at him with worry. It’s an interesting way to show that you care about someone’s feelings right after you hurt them. Asuma makes a mental note to tell Aoba that they shouldn’t tell Genma or Kurenai what they just saw.

“Yeah, well,” Raidou shrugs, “I should get going. I’ll see you later.” Raidou walks away, towards the cereal. Yuugao looks at him, worried, before looking back at Aoba and Asuma, who are both incredulous at the fact that she’s looking at them like she needs permission to leave.

“I know he’s old, but Raidou moves pretty fast when he feels like it.” Aoba tucks his hands into his pockets. Yuugao bites her lip, looking at Raidou, who is now looking at garlic.

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Asuma says, “we’ll see you around.” Yuugao nods, before beetling after Raidou, who is clearly looking for his basket. When she gets to him, Aoba and Asuma watch her touch Raidou’s lower back and hold the basket up. Neither can say what they would do if they were in his position.

**

When he woke up this morning, Raidou momentarily forgot his to-do list. When he sat up and looked at his bedside table, he smiled when he saw the list and remembered. He got up, showered, got his things, and headed over to Yuugao’s apartment. He doesn’t have a key, but he told her that he’d be coming over early.

He knocks on her door, and it takes a minute for him to hear shuffling on the other side. Yuugao opens the door, her blanket wrapped around her head, like a veil. She’s wearing a sexy nightie, all baby pink and sheer. Yuugao’s eyelids droop, like she just woke up. Raidou holds up his toolkit, smiling his soft smile.

“It’s 7:30 a.m.,” she says in a quiet voice. She took today off, and she was up until 2 a.m., texting Yamato about the fact that no one talks about acid rain anymore. _Remember when the ozone was our biggest problem?_ He sent her a serious response, too. He’s always earnest and forthright and serious. It’s what she likes about him. He’s the best bits of her and Raidou, all in one person, although she will never say that to either Yamato or Raidou.

“It’s the third,” he says, stepping into her apartment. He pulls a piece of yellow paper out of his pocket. “Remember this?” he asks. Yuugao tilts her head, frowning.

“What’s that?” she asks. He gives her the piece of paper, and she unfolds it. It’s a list of different things that need to be fixed around her apartment.

“Raidou, have you listed everything wrong with my apartment?” she asks, blinking at him. He takes his shoes off and walks into her living room, putting his toolkit onto the coffee table.

“I am sure that I missed some things,” he says, looking around. Yuugao stares at the list.

“Okay, the radiator we can both agree on, and those planters do need to be hung,” she bites her lip, “but I don’t want to spend my birthday watching you fiddle with a leaky tap.”

“It’s bad for the environment,” Raidou says, walking towards the radiator. “Has this ever worked?”

“Not in the three years I have lived here.” Yuugao says, kneeling beside him as he bends down to look at the radiator.

“We also need to build that bookshelf you bought,” he hums, “you’ve had it for three months and haven’t done anything with it.”

“You’re putting me to work,” she sighs.

“I can do it,” he says, “I just needed you to let me in. If you’re tired, go to sleep.” He doesn’t look at her as he says this, and she can tell that his tiny, lizard brain is hyper focused on the task at hand.

“You haven’t even looked at my sexy nightie!” Yuugao mock pouts. Raidou looks at her over his shoulder, pointedly looks at her nipples and then back up at her face.

“Happy?” he asks. Yuugao sighs and stands up. He doesn’t even look at her, and she can tell that she has lost his attention.

“I’m going back to bed,” she says, “wake me up when it’s all over, or if you need anything.” Raidou grunts in response, and she pads back to her bedroom, climbing back into bed and pulling the covers over her head. It takes a little bit, but soon, she’s back to sleep.

**

When she wakes up, there is a drilling noise coming from the other room. Yuugao sticks her head up, and her hair is messed up from sleep. She sits up, her legs tucked under her, looking around. She lists all the things she has to do today. She’s getting dinner with her parents, and then she’s meeting her Anbu team and Yamato for drinks. She is going to crawl back to Raidou’s apartment after, but she hasn’t told him that yet.

She stands up on her bed, walking to the edge and stepping off. The apartment feels warmer already, which means that Raidou has done the impossible and fixed the radiator. She walks out to the living room, to see Raidou shirtless, standing on a chair, fiddling with a ceiling hook. There is a bookshelf against her wall, by the television, and there is already a pothos hanging from the ceiling.

There is a sheen on Raidou’s back, and she restrains the urge to lick his sweat. She walks over to see him playing with the hook. He looks surprised to see her, but he smiles. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she says, “so, how long have I been asleep?”

“It is 2:30 p.m.,” he replies, “you’ve pretty much slept the first half of the day away.” Yuugao is glad that he’s looking at the ceiling, so he doesn’t see the way she stares at a drop of sweat as it trails down his side.

“Are you going into work?” she asks. Raidou shakes his head.

“Nope,” he replies, “I took today and tomorrow off.” Raidou doesn’t say anything more, smiling when he finally gets the ceiling hook screwed in properly.

“Is it for my birthday?” Yuugao asks. Raidou doesn’t smile, but his face is relaxed.

“Well, I came here to fix things, and then I figured you’d probably need someone to nurse your hangover tomorrow.” He has politely avoided asking her what her plans are, because he knows that she doesn’t want to be public. It hurts his feelings, but it’s her birthday, so he is going to let it slide.

“Nurse Raidou?” Yuugao asks, arms crossed. “This, I have to see.” Raidou grins.

“Genma and Kurenai aren’t dead yet, and they both drink like alcohol is water.” He will never forget when he and Asuma had to fish Genma out of fountain while Shizune hauled Kurenai out. Genma and Kurenai passed out on his foldout couch, and they didn’t move at all the following day, except to use the bathroom.

“Your friends are crazy,” Yuugao says, picking up the planter the Raidou points at. “I think Yamato has puked maybe once, in all the time I’ve known him, and Hayate was never wild.”

“Yeah, Hayate was kinda like Asuma and Kakashi. He could never get as fucked up as he wanted, if I remember correctly.” Raidou takes the planter from Yuugao and fingers the leaves of the spider plant. The subject of Hayate hangs awkwardly between them, and Yuugao feels Daydream Hayate staring at her back. She focuses on Raidou’s belly button instead.

“Last year, Yamato and I stayed in and we just watched scary movies,” she hums, “he really doesn’t like going out.”

“I don’t blame him,” Raidou says, “I swear, if—,” he cuts himself off before he can say _if I weren’t trying to get laid, I wouldn’t go_. Things aren’t like that anymore, and it would make him sound like a dumb bro, which, maybe he is, but he doesn’t want to remind Yuugao of that. “Uh, if Genma didn’t insist on going out.” Yuugao’s lip twitches, but she chooses to let him have his secret. It’s not like he’s her boyfriend.

“I’m meeting my Anbu team and Yamato for drinks, after I have dinner with my parents.” Raidou steps off the chair and turns away so she can’t see how bothered he is to not be included.

“Right,” he says, “well, I have lots of stuff to do, so don’t feel obligated to see me tomorrow.” He closes the toolkit. “I fixed the leak.” Yuugao clasps her hands together, watching him look around.

“What are you looking for?” she asks.

“My shirt,” he replies, frowning. Yuugao takes this as her cue to come on to him.

“Are we not going to…?” she wiggles her hips, tilting her head from side to side. Raidou blinks.

“What?” he asks, in a faux-innocent voice.

“I want to have sex,” she says, “please.” Raidou smiles.

“Where?” he asks. Yuugao blinks as the meaning of his words hit. Her face turns pink, and her bedhead makes her look even cuter. He thinks she’s really pretty when she’s a little off kilter.

“Wherever,” she mouths softly. Raidou puts his hand on her cheek.

“Bed,” he says. Yuugao smiles as she watches him walk into her bedroom. She follows him and decides to flop on the bed as he gets undressed. She lies on her front, her limbs all stretched out. She hears him walk up behind her, smiling when she feels his hand on the back of her thigh.

“Are you going to roll over?” he asks. Yuugao doesn’t respond, rolling over immediately. She grins up at Raidou, smiles softly.

“So, I am going to see your face?” he says. Yuugao nods.

“I want to be intimate,” she says, sitting up to pull her nightie off. She lets it fall beside her, looking up at him expectantly. Raidou lays her down, and she’d giggle at being so close, but he has a very serious look on his face.

“What do you want?” he asks.

“For you to be nasty,” she hums. Raidou grins with all of his teeth.

“Real nasty?”

“Gross,” she says, “contaminate me.”

“Contaminate you with what?” he asks, “my semen?” Yuugao just nods like a perv, and he rolls his eyes. “Contaminate you,” he hums, kissing her neck. Yuugao scratches the back of his head, choosing to be quiet. She smells like herself, which is to say, like body lotion and leftover perfume. It’s a little amber, sort of musky, and he only catches it when his mouth is open over the bowl of her collarbone and his nose is pressed to her neck.

There are a few synonyms for contaminate, that may be closer to what Yuugao wants: pollute, defile, corrupt, taint. If Raidou gets it correctly, she wants him to leave a little piece of himself inside of her, something that will take years to purge herself of. He smiles as she hums, because it means that, while she won’t acknowledge him in public, she does want him to change her, in a semi-permanent way.

Yuugao presses herself into his sweaty body, arching her back to press her tummy to his, pressing her palms to his back. She could watch him sweat all day, that’s how bad she has it for him. Now that the radiator is working, her apartment is warmer, and she can already feel the backs of her knees sweat. Their bodies press together, and she feels his tongue at the base of her throat right in her nipple, that’s how aroused she is—one unexpected part of their time together is that she has finally noticed the ways all her nerves connect together, like when he presses his palm to her lower back and she feels it in her heart, or how, when he is inside of her, it feels like he’s somehow touching her behind her eyelids.

She can’t explain it, Raidou just makes her feel very complete. He doesn’t look at her like she’s sad and broken, and he doesn’t fuck her like she is delicate. He treats her the way she likes being treated: like a whole person. He doesn’t tear her up or rip her apart nor try to fix her; he softens her, shapes himself to her, helps her make a place for him inside of her. The truth is, she is well beyond contaminated—she’d use words like corrupted or stained. Something permanent.

His mouth has been all over her body, like he wants to gobble her up, and there are times she’s sad that he won’t do that. Raidou’s mouth is open, and she feels his hot breath against her as he moves down her sternum, down her stomach, down the soft swell below her bellybutton. She gets up on her elbows, and he looks up at her from between her legs. He presses a palm to the back of her thigh, and it sends a shiver up her back.

It strikes him, that he hasn’t said ‘happy birthday’ yet. She looks down at him expectantly, and all he does is press his cheek into the inside of her thigh. His scruff makes her tingle, and she bites her lower lip.

“Happy birthday baby,” he says softly, using her pet name for him on her. Yuugao opens her mouth to reply, but he presses his mouth to her, and everything falls out of her head. She lets out a long sigh, relaxing, her belly soft. A low moan when a finger slides in. Getting higher in pitch, the further he goes, and she opens herself, blooming, like something inside is unfurling, reaching towards Raidou.

It’s in her heart, and the realization could make her cry, but Yuugao wants to place her heart right in his mouth. He’s right where she needs him to be. Two pairs of lips, open and panting for him. Honeyed insides, sticky and sweet. Her hand touches the crown of his head, and she takes some of his hair in her fist when she makes a particularly loud noise. He presses closer, stretching her hips wider. She wishes she could expose all of herself to him, but when she feels his tongue on the inside of a lip and she makes an undignified noise, she thinks that he has actually, long ago, made her vulnerable, she just didn’t know it.

With an orgasm that lands right in her throat, Yuugao curses him but she knows what she is really trying to say is that she loves him. Raidou kisses her tummy, before rising above her. She sits up and kisses him, and she sighs when her tongue is in his mouth. Raidou lays her down beneath him, and he gently lifts a leg over his hip. Yuugao presses closer to him, twitching when she feels his erection against (but not inside) her. He pulls away from their kiss, and brushes her hair out of her face, smiling softly. _I love you so much_. He doesn’t say it, but it manifests in the way he looks at her.

It’s Yuugao who pulls him in, and Raidou groans as he finally, finally sinks into her. Yuugao wraps her legs around his waist, and even though she’s stretched tight, it doesn’t hurt at all. He never feels invasive; it’s like he belongs. He moves up into her, and she looks up at him, pressing her fingers into his back.

The room is bright from the late afternoon sun, and if he were looking, Raidou would see a clear, blue sky, the kind that looks cold and makes you hide under a million blankets. Her bedsheets are a worn-in flannel, a soft pink, like the inside of a shell, and it strikes Raidou that he feels very safe. Like Yuugao is his protector. Moving up and up, reaching towards something he knows is true but doesn’t fully understand.

She watches him sweat above her, and she thinks about opening her mouth to catch a drop as she arches her back up, pressing her tummy to his. She wonders if he knows how badly she wants him. He moves through her, and her lips part as her cheeks go pink.

“Is this good?” he asks. Yuugao nods, quickly.

“Yes, yes,” she sighs. Raidou smiles.

“Would you lie to me?” he asks, “would you fake it to spare my feelings?” Yuugao shakes her head.

“I don’t fake it,” she replies, “it’s against my entire belief system.” Raidou strokes the back wall, and it makes her entire body twitch.

“Well, how about I make sure you come?” he asks, pulling away. It stings a little when they part, and Yuugao lies back, stunned by the emptiness. Raidou shifts down, placing his mouth on her clit, and when he slides a finger in, Yuugao remembers herself.

“What are you doing?” she asks, sitting up on her elbows. Raidou sucks a little harder and she moans. The answer is apparent. He looks up at her with a kind of simple-minded adoration that she hasn’t experienced since…she closes her eyes, and asks Daydream Hayate to please, pretty, pretty please, let her have this moment to feel good and whole and adored. In her mind’s eye, he nods once, before disappearing in a swirl of leaves. She opens her eyes, refusing to cry—then she looks right into Raidou’s soft eyes and cries out.

She comes faster this time. The floaty feeling starts between her legs and pushes up and up, her moans rising in pitch as it climbs past her heart, up her throat, straight to her brain. Her eyes are open the whole time, and she starts tweaking her nipple as he watches from between her legs. Her foot brushes his side, and it surprises him that her toes are still cold.

She finishes riding it out, and he moves forward, over her once more. Yuugao guides him back in, and she kisses his chin.

“I came,” she pants when he thrusts into her.

“Yeah,” he sighs.

“It felt like you split me open and licked up my insides,” Yuugao says.

“That’s fucking twisted,” he replies. Yuugao beams up at him, wrapping herself around him. There is no other response.

Raidou presses his face into her neck, and she welcomes him. It feels good, just being together. Yuugao hugs him, an open hand on his back and one cupped at the base of his skull. He groans, and she can feel his heart thumping in his chest, and it feels so personal, like this is the first time they’ve ever been naked with each other. Yuugao moans, feeling the tell-tale white-hot feeling in her guts, building and building. Raidou feels full of the kind of feelings that he thought had been put away when he and Kurenai grew apart. He’d always thought that ‘adult’ relationships were supposed to be boring and a little sad, but Yuugao has proven, over and over, that not only is that not the case, but that he can have so much more.

He turns his face so he can look in her eyes while they come. He pants over her mouth, and she puts a hand to his face, refusing to look away. They are moaning and sighing together, and finally, Raidou kills it and Yuugao’s pupils dilate, and he feels warm and buzzy all over. He presses his face into the sheets by her head, and she wraps her arms around him, both a little breathless.

“Happy birthday,” he mutters. Yuugao smiles at the ceiling.

“Thank you,” she says softly. “I feel like I’m never going to be clean again.” She feels his body laugh against her.

“It’s what you wanted,” he kisses the spot below her ear.

“You got that right,” she hums. Instead of calling him a perfect boyfriend or telling him how she really, really feels, she kisses him.

**

Yuugao is hungry, but she doesn’t know what for. Raidou stands beside her, as they stand outside of the grocery store, staring at it. He just got home from a mission, so there is no food at his place, and Yuugao needs to go grocery shopping. But they are both so hungry, talking feels like too much effort. Like, he is annoyed that they are even standing here, when they can go get food across the street.

“Do you know what you want?” she asks, looking over at him. Raidou sighs.

“My stomach is eating itself,” he says, “I just want to eat something hot.” Something that will sit in his belly and warm him up from the inside.

“Yeah, but do you know what?” she asks, her lip twitching. It annoys him that she is annoyed with him. He frowns and looks away.

“We can just go get dinner.” He doesn’t look at her, because he knows she’s going to think it’s a date when no, he’s just starving and needs something in his stomach.

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“Like, we could go across the street, order food and eat it at the restaurant, then grocery shop,” he says, “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.” One thing he has always took for granted about Kurenai was her making sure that he was well-fed, the same way she took for granted the way he always made sure to sleep between her and the door. He would never compare Kurenai and Yuugao, but at this particular moment, he does miss the way he could trust Kurenai to make a decision _with_ rather than _for_ him.

“I politely decline,” Yuugao replies. While the sex they had on her birthday brought them closer, it also reminded them of what they are not. Raidou makes a whiny noise in his throat. She looks at him sympathetically. “If you want, you can go get a snack and I’ll buy food for dinner, and we can meet out here?” She offers him a small smile, and he feels like a total asshole for his first thought. _But I want to spend time with you_. Raidou sighs, before he nods.

“Yeah, I’ll go eat something. Do you want anything?” he asks. Yuugao shakes her head, and he nods, tucking his hands into his pockets as he turns away.

**

They’re actually doing okay, on the day everything changes. Yuugao stayed at his place last night, and she’s sitting on the couch, her legs crossed, sipping her coffee. She’s sitting on the plaid blanket she bought him; she doesn’t think he’s noticed it yet. Like, he knows it’s there, but he doesn’t yet realize that it’s his, not hers.

Raidou is reading the paper, leaning against the kitchen counter. She watches him, the way his frown deepens the further on he reads. His lower lip sticks out a little bit, and not for the first time, she wonders what goes on his head. What are the words that make him tick? What turns of phrase annoy him? What sections of the paper does he look for first? The truth is, she could know everything about him, and it wouldn’t be enough. She doesn’t care to dwell on what this could mean for their relationship, as Daydream Hayate stands by the door. His presence isn’t intrusive, but it’s still hard to focus on Raidou when he’s right there.

Adulthood is learning how to contend with all the petty, foreseeable fuckery so that you can be ready for all the curveballs the universe likes to throw when its bored and everyone’s lives are going well. Raidou and Yuugao haven’t talked about the Akatsuki, or what they may mean for Konoha. He’s pretty sure that they will be going to war, sooner rather than later, over what, he doesn’t know; he just knows it’s coming. Can feel it in his gut. It makes him nervous—he’s not sleeping as well as he would like to. Today is a beautiful day, but he can feel that something bad is going to happen.

He won’t say anything to Yuugao, because she is already swamped in Anbu. There’s no point in telling her something that she is already keenly aware of. Raidou looks up, and when their eyes meet, he smiles. “Are you going into work?”

“Not until later,” Yuugao says, “night shift.”

“So, I won’t be seeing you later,” he says, setting the newspaper down. Yuugao shakes her head.

“Sadly,” she says, “you’re going to be sleeping alone tonight.” Something unnamable flickers across his face, but he returns to normal fairly quickly.

“Not necessarily,” he says, smirking. Yuugao gives him an unimpressed look, and he doesn’t even bother saying anything. She’s still frowning at him when the knock comes, face unchanging when he answers the door and takes the scroll. He doesn’t notice, as he unseals the scroll and scans its contents. “I’ve got a tracking mission,” he says.

“What are you tracking?” she asks, catching his frown, “can you tell me?” Raidou closes the scroll and sets it on the counter.

“The Akatsuki,” he says, “we’ll be going in teams.” Hayate had been alone, when it happened. Yuugao sucks in a breath, trying to look calmer than she feels.

“That’s going to be tough,” she says, keeping her voice neutral. Raidou shrugs.

“It is what it is,” he replies. Something Yuugao has always admired about him is the way he always gets back up, even when it’s a better idea to stay down. In that sense, she isn’t worried about him; she’s convinced he will get up and come home to her, barring serious injury or death. But there was once a time that she felt that about Hayate, and here she is, looking at his ghost.

Raidou sighs and walks over to his closet. He takes out the scroll where he has sealed his cloak, and the other where he has sealed Kokutō. Yuugao watches his back, uncertain. She still doesn’t know how to talk to him about Hayate, about what losing him, and how she lost him, affected her. That she’s terrified that it could happen twice.

“You’re going to come back, right?” she asks. He turns back to look at her, blinking. Raidou nods once, before turning back to his closet.

“That’s the plan,” he replies.

“And if you don’t?” she asks. Yuugao won’t say ‘I love you,’ or make him her partner, but she does want him to come home to her, and like a dog, that is his intention.

“Then you have my permission to send me to an alternate dimension,” Raidou says, closing the closet door and turning to face her. Yuugao sucks on her lower lip, thinking.

“You mean it?” she asks. Raidou nods.

“You can even raise me from the dead to do it.” He walks to his bedroom, hoping to make the bed before he leaves. Yuugao follows him, and in minutes, he is inside of her and she’s begging him to stay, stay here, stay right here forever—she doesn’t tell him that she loves him when they part, but it’s there in the way she asks him come home, please.

**

It doesn’t really hit Raidou that Asuma is dead until he is standing in Tsunade’s office beside Aoba, watching Shikamaru, Ino and Chouji recount the worst day of their lives. Aoba was wrong—thanks to Chouji, getting the body back to Konoha was easy. Shikamaru, who heard Asuma’s last words, volunteers to inform Kurenai that the universe has done its worst.

Death makes everyone philosophical—where is it that the dead end up? Some say that death is the necessary precondition to life. And it’s true that as soon as someone is born, they are old enough to die. People die all the time, too. Raidou has lost his entire family, but Asuma’s death somehow hits worse. Raidou thinks that it’s because he can finally, properly, understand the stakes that drove Asuma to make the decisions he did, and Raidou knows that if it were him, he would have done the same thing.

Raidou stops at the store and picks up a few things; a can of ginger ale, a rice ball, a toothbrush and deodorant. Before he goes to peel Kurenai off of the floor, he needs to go see Yuugao. There is some unfinished business between them, and he needs some answers before another year rolls by.

He knocks on her apartment window, and he watches her come out of her bedroom, wearing her work uniform, frowning before she sees him and smiles. She looks relieved, like she can finally start breathing freely. _You couldn’t breathe while I was hunting the Akatsuki, but I can’t be your partner?_ Clearly, she has not heard about what happened today.

When Yuugao sees Raidou, she can tell that something is wrong by the way his expression doesn’t change when he sees her. He kneels outside of her window, waiting for her to open it and let him in. He has a plastic grocery bag in his hand, and he looks upset. She slides the window open, and steps back to let him in, when he shakes his head.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. Raidou rubs his face, thinking about how he wants to say what he needs to say.

“Asuma’s dead.” He blurts it out, and Yuugao steps up to him, her eyes wide, as she places a hand on his knee.

“Are you okay?” she asks, looking up at him with her big, warm, sad eyes. It makes Raidou want to scream, because no, he is not okay, but he is going to have to go to Kurenai and somehow, be okay for her and her baby while the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with is being autopsied. And where did Raidou go first? He went to the woman who won’t even call him her boyfriend. Raidou feels like a piece of shit, because the person who needs him is across town having her heart torn out and ripped into little pieces, and he is here, like a chump, hoping that Yuugao will give him what he wants.

“No,” he says, “I’m going over to be with Kurenai.” Yuugao’s mouth twitches like she’s smelled something bad and is trying to figure out what it is.

“Oh,” she says, “okay.”

“Kurenai is pregnant,” Raidou says, “she and Asuma got married, you know. There’s a license and everything.” He signed as the witness. _You were supposed to be here forever, Asuma_.

“That’s…that sucks,” Yuugao says, unsure of what Raidou wants.

He looks at her, really, really looks at her, and she feels like he is trying to peel her skin back from her body to look inside of her. “Do you want to be with me?” he asks. Yuugao blinks.

“Do I want to be with you?”

“Yes,” Raidou says, “do you want to commit to being with me?” He’s been meaning to ask this question for a while, because it doesn’t seem like she wants to be with him—she keeps rebuffing him and look, he’s not smart but eventually a guy has to take the hint, even if it’s not what he wants to hear.

“What kind of question is that?” she asks, “Asuma is dead and now you’re here wanting to know where we stand?”

“Yes,” he says softly, “because I don’t want to be in the same place a year from now. If you don’t want me to be your boyfriend, or if you don’t want to be with me publicly, then I’m not the guy for you.” Yuugao’s mouth opens and closes a few times, as she tries to figure out how they got here, exactly.

“What’s wrong with where we are now?” she asks. Raidou makes a frustrated noise.

“Because I’ve waited for a year, and if things don’t change now, they never will,” he says, “so, what is it?” Yuugao looks away, looking back at Daydream Hayate who is standing right behind her. He would never make her choose, and that is enough for her to say what she does next.

“No,” she says in a small voice, immediately regretting it, but not knowing how to take it back. Raidou’s face falls, but he nods.

“Okay,” he replies softly, “it’s over.”

**

Raidou finds Kurenai sobbing in front of her apartment door, Shikamaru there, his hand on one of her shoulders. When she hears his voice, Kurenai immediately looks up, and it hurts Raidou’s heart to see her in such animal pain. When he kneels down, she leaps onto him, crying even harder, and he signals for Shikamaru to open the door while Raidou picks Kurenai up and carries her into her apartment, sitting her down on the couch.

After Shikamaru leaves, Raidou sets the grocery bag on the kitchen counter, and he says nothing when he turns back to see her lie down on the floor. He says nothing, as he kneels down to lie on the floor beside her, and they stare into each other’s eyes.

“It’s real,” Kurenai finally says.

“Yeah.” It’s all he can say, really.

“What am I going to do?” she asks quietly, “what am I supposed to do?” Taking her hand in his, Raidou smiles softly.

“You’re going to be alright,” he says, “you’re going to have your baby, and I’m going to be here, and you’re going to be okay.” The word ‘okay’ was a deliberate choice, as it is vague; it can mean a lot of different things.

“And if I’m not?” she asks, her eyes watering.

“I’m afraid you don’t have a choice, Kurenai,” he says, “this baby needs you to be okay.” She nods, blinking rapidly.

“Asuma wants to name her Mirai, if the baby is a girl,” she says, “he said that he finally understood what the Third said when he said that we fight to protect the King.” Raidou feels his mouth go dry, because he just remembered the possible future that he has, more or less, thrown away.

“Dead dads are always right,” Raidou says, “it’s a law of the universe.” Kurenai presses her lips together, puffing her cheeks up. He can tell what this means, sitting up, opening his arms. “If you need to scream, do it here.” Kurenai sits up slowly, before wrapping her arms around his chest, placing her mouth over his heart and screaming right into him. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m so, so sorry.” He feels tears sting the bottoms of his eyes, and he squeezes her even tighter when they finally fall.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this ends happy (the last four chapters are just happy!)-like, I swear Ariana Grande's positions album is Raidou/Yuugao and that is a happy (albeit horny) album! Feel free to let me know what you think!


	5. Before Common Era Part V

“The human heart is a chump”

David Foster Wallace, _The Pale King_

Before she even called, Yamato felt a tingling in the side of his neck and looked at his phone. It only rang once before he picked it up, and his heart hurt when he heard Yuugao using her quietest voice. _Raidou is gone_ , is all she had said, and Yamato immediately told her that he could go to her place, but she insisted on going out to a bar. She refuses to act like Raidou died, which means that she is going to wear something nice and leave the house, and Yamato is going to come with her.

When he got to the bar, Kakashi was there, watching her pound down a second shot of vodka on an empty stomach. When asked why he was there, Kakashi said that he was walking, minding his own business as per usual, when Yuugao came along and hooked her arm in his, telling him that they are going to celebrate her first night as a, quote unquote, “free woman.” Kakashi’s been sitting there watching Yuugao drink, waiting for her to explain what, exactly, happened but she insisted on waiting for Yamato. Everyone knows Asuma died; Kakashi and Yamato don’t exactly want to get plastered but they don’t want to sit alone in their respective apartments, in dumb shock.

Things begin to unravel when Yuugao’s face turns green. She still hasn’t talked about what happened, not directly, but it beats thinking about Asuma or picking up the pieces of Kurenai (Raidou sent a firm yet polite group text asking for people to refrain from bringing flowers, plants, cards, or food of any kind to his apartment, where Kurenai is apparently staying—neither Kakashi nor Yamato blame her for wanting to stay the hell away from Asuma’s mattress. They’ll help her burn it, too. They can give it a burial at sea, setting it aflame before pushing it out into the great beyond, where Asuma presumably, hopefully, if there is a higher power or a god, ended up).

Anyways, Kakashi needs to pee and Yuugao turns green, so they take her into the men’s bathroom, where she pukes in the sink, Yamato holding her hair back, while Kakashi pisses into a urinal. Iruka, who was at the bar on a date, walked in, took a look at the scene: Yuugao with her face right in the pale green enamel of the sink, Yamato’s fist in her hair with his hand at her back. Kakashi, adjusting himself before zipping up his pants, looking at Iruka like Yuugao isn’t puking up bile. They all say nothing, as Yuugao tries to catch her breath, before Iruka puts his hands up in the air and loudly proclaims, _this is not my problem_ , before turning around and walking out.

Kakashi pays the tab instead of cleaning up the bathroom with Yamato and Yuugao and waited for them outside the bar. Yuugao leans against Yamato the entire walk home, sniffling. She mentions that she made cookies, which is enough to convince Kakashi to ride the rest of this night out, although he wasn’t invited. Yamato makes her brush her teeth and drink a big glass of water, before she can sit down.

Now, here they are, Yuugao in her nice, swishy silk halter dress, wrapped in a big fluffy blanket, Yamato sitting beside her, rubbing her back, while Kakashi sits on her counter, eating a chocolate chip cookie.

“What happened?” Yamato asks. Yuugao hiccups.

“Raidou left,” she says. Yuugao leans into Yamato’s body heat. He puts an arm around her as she starts tearing up. “Where do you think he is?”

“He’s with Kurenai,” Kakashi says, “he was on her and Asuma’s team. He was there when…” Kakashi trails off, uncomfortable with saying Asuma’s name in a sentence that includes the word ‘death’ and its variants. These are things she knows already, but she doesn’t really believe that this is her real life.

Yuugao holds the blanket around her, tightly. Her insecurities and lizard hindbrain take control, and suddenly, there is an intrusive thought: Raidou and Kurenai, naked. He rolls on top of her, looking at her lovingly, as she places her hand on his bare side. _I’ll take care of you_ , Daydream Raidou says to Daydream Kurenai, who smiles up at him, sad but with him at her side, she’s ready to be brave. Her hands are cold, and she presses her cold fingers into his armpit, and he doesn’t even wince, because it’s always been _her_. Daydream Kurenai arches her back to meet his first thrust, and Yuugao cries out.

Kakashi and Yamato look at her as her face twists. She looks like she wants to be euthanized.

“It’s not like that, between them,” Yamato says softly. “Kurenai is pregnant with Asuma’s baby.” Genma told them, when they met up with Aoba, who was there, Anko, Shizune, Ibiki, and Guy.

“But he’s going to take care of her,” Yuugao says in a quiet voice, “and she was the first girl he really loved. They even have matching tattoos!” She wonders where Kurenai’s three dots are—perhaps the inside of a thigh, or her lower back. Knowing Raidou, it would be somewhere intimate. He told her that they chose the spot where the tattoos went, on each other’s bodies.

“It’s not like that,” Yamato says softly, “Raidou and Kurenai wouldn’t.”

“You don’t know that!” Yuugao shouts, pressing the heels of her hands into her eye sockets. “I would want her—she’s pretty, and nice, and he loves her, and they can have a cute, blended family, and she’ll carry his babies, and she’ll probably be a hot pregnant person, and it’ll just be me and Hayate’s ghost…” Yuugao trails off, so she can cry out. Maybe Asuma’s ghost can hang out with her too. The three of them can be sad together.

“Hayate’s ghost?” Yamato says, choosing to unpack the least complicated part of her fantasy. “What do you mean?”

“I see Hayate,” Yuugao sniffles, “like, on the edge of my vision. He’s watching over me, and it’s not so bad when Raidou’s here.” She pauses, “he always looks so _sad_ , like he doesn’t want to be here.” Not even Hayate wants to be with her.

“Yuugao…” Yamato sighs, wrapping his arms around her, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want people to think that I’m crazy,” she presses her face into him.

Kakashi stands up, and walks over to the couch, kneeling down to look Yuugao right in the face. She looks at him, and she’s still beautiful, despite the crying and puking.

“Shit sucks,” he says. Yuugao presses her face into Yamato’s neck, not disagreeing but not ready to laugh at life or whatever the fuck Kakashi was hoping to accomplish by saying that to her. He sighs and places his hand on her knee. “Yuugao,” he says, “look at me.” She does, and Kakashi makes a slightly more sympathetic face. Well, she thinks so—she can’t see his face. “Raidou really likes you.”

“How do you know?” Yuugao asks.

“Because you’re the first girl he’s talked about since Kurenai, and that was years ago.” And completely different. Kurenai made Raidou insane, but Yuugao, for all the heartache she caused, also made him happy. Raidou wasn’t grinding his teeth anymore, or having sex with strangers, or grumpy. _She gives him peace_ , Asuma had said, when Kakashi asked why Raidou insisted on staying with someone when she refused to be his girlfriend. And, speaking from personal experience, there are a lot of things Kakashi would overlook if it meant he could wake up without the existential terror that comes with being the kind of person he is.

“Really?” she sniffs. Kakashi nods.

“Look, Yuugao…” he trails off, before sighing. “Hayate wouldn’t want you to live this way.” Yuugao’s face twists up, and he can tell that he hit a nerve.

“Well, how the fuck am I supposed to live when I see him everywhere!” Yamato holds her close, and Yuugao holds her blanket up to her chin.

“He would never torture you this way,” Kakashi says, standing up. Yuugao knows what he’s saying, but she isn’t ready to give up on the ghost theory.

“You don’t know him,” she says, “not like me.”

“He’d never do this to you,” Kakashi says. They all know he’s right. Hayate had always been gentle, despite his reputation. He listened to everyone’s problems, even the stupid ones, and after three and a half years, it’s still hard to come to terms that their happy kid friend, who would get stoned with them in secret, who could touch his tongue to his nose, is dead. Kakashi doesn’t yet know how he’s going to deal with Asuma’s death. He’s very tired of acceptance—all he and his friends do is _accept_ things. He’s not even thirty and he already feels like he’s been beaten down.

Yuugao looks up at him, her eyes big with hurt, but she needed someone to stop coddling her. Her parents, Yamato, Raidou, fuck, all her civilian girlfriends—they always protected her from Hayate’s death, never talking about it directly. Kakashi is too old, has seen too much, and quite frankly, won’t let a former teammate fool herself. Yuugao starts crying again, folding in on herself, sobbing with the kind of force that would make you think that she’s trying to expel an organ from her mouth.

**

Raidou doesn’t tell Kurenai about Yuugao until after the funeral, which was held four days after Asuma died. She’s been staying with him, avoiding her apartment. They sit around a lot, when she isn’t at the grave and he’s not at work. Kurenai makes him dinner, even though she doesn’t need to. He told her that the other night, and she rolled over in bed, and whispered _let me take care of you_. Raidou kept his back to her, curling away from her. It makes him uncomfortable, how she still knows when he’s in need of care.

He’s lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, hands on his chest, while Kurenai is in the kitchen, making lunch. She knows he’s hiding something from her, but she hasn’t had the emotional bandwidth to ask. But one can only think about the dead for so long, and she so badly wants to think about something other than the big hole inside of her.

“You’ve been quiet,” she says, cutting up a cucumber.

“I’m pensive,” he replies.

“You’ve been grinding your teeth,” Kurenai says, “I hear it at night.” Neither of them cares to elaborate as to _why_ she’s awake at night. Raidou’s lip twitches. Kurenai knows his rhythms well, even after all of this time. She used to get on him for teeth grinding when they were together.

“Well, the world is full of reasons to be anxious.” Kurenai sets the knife down, and he sits up to look at her, meeting her unimpressed look with one of indifference. “What?”

“Don’t lie to me,” she says, “I expect it from everyone else, but not from you.” Raidou sighs loudly, rubbing his face.

He misses Yuugao in a big, animal kind of way. Like, he is full of longing for her. He sleeps fine, but he isn’t very hungry, and every one of his orgasms feels hollow and empty, like it only takes the edge off before reminding him of his loneliness. Just now, he was thinking of her unexpected sweetness—remembering his favorite kind of yogurt, folding his laundry, helping him with the dishes—all the boring things that make you feel close to a person.

“Did something happen with Yuugao?” Kurenai asks. Raidou blinks at her, like he’s a little kid.

“How did you know?”

“I saw the way you look at each other,” Kurenai says, “Asuma mentioned seeing you two around. It wasn’t a big secret.” Raidou wilts, looking down at his lap.

“Things didn’t work out,” he says, “we don’t want the same things.” Kurenai tilts her head, confused. From her limited knowledge, Raidou and Yuugao had a very mutual relationship.

“Oh?” she asks.

“She doesn’t want a boyfriend,” Raidou says, “or, well, she doesn’t want me to be her boyfriend.” It’s time to face the facts: she never wanted him. Not the way he wants her.

Kurenai looks at him, the curve of his back as he slumps down, how his hands sit curled in his lap, the defeated expression on his face. She wonders if she ever put that kind of expression on Asuma’s face. She had certainly said ‘no’ to him enough times. Pressing her lips together, Kurenai picks up the knife, uncomfortable with the thought.

“You’re a good guy,” she says, “if she can’t see it, it’s her loss.” Kurenai’s lips look tight on her face, like she has something else she’d like to say but she thinks it will upset him.

“It feels like I’m the one losing,” he grumbles.

“You’re not,” she says forcefully, like he’s annoyed her. “If she’s stupid enough to say ‘no’ to a guy like you, then that is entirely her problem, not yours.” _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. That’s what Kurenai had been, every time she turned Asuma down.

“She’s Anbu,” he says, “they don’t let dummies into Anbu.”

“Have you ever met an Anbu operative with any good sense when it comes to matters of the heart?” Kurenai says, sounding more like her father than herself.

“Asuma’s brother and sister-in-law are both Anbu,” Raidou points out. Kurenai sighs.

“There are exceptions for every rule,” she says, “my point stands. If Yuugao lets you go, she’s an idiot who will never do better.”

“You did better,” Raidou says. Kurenai frowns.

“I wouldn’t put it like that,” she says, “you and Asuma are both too particular to me and were what I needed at the time. Asuma is, was…” she trails off, not knowing how to finish the sentence. Raidou watches her face freeze, as she searches for the words, but can’t find them. Instead, she blinks and shakes her head. “You were good to me, Raidou. We fought a lot, but you were a good first boyfriend, and I wouldn’t do things any other way.” Raidou nods, not knowing what else there is to say. Kurenai inhales deeply, shaking out her hair. “You never looked at me the way you look at Yuugao.”

“Same here,” Raidou says, both knowing that he is talking about Asuma.

**

If asked, Yuugao would say that getting a tattoo is like having her skin punched in by a sewing machine, except a tattoo machine uses ink instead of thread. Yuugao lies on her stomach, frowning as the needle digs into her skin. The tattoo artist is a woman whose body is completely clothed, hiding her own extensive tattoos. Yuugao breathes deeply as the woman inks a curve, trying to ignore the pain.

Yuugao had a glass of wine and decided, on an empty stomach, that it would be really, really funny to go get a little red heart tattooed onto her left butt cheek because _love_ is a pain in the ass (see what she did there?)

They never said, ‘I love you,’ but she knows that she loves Raidou, and that he loves her. It was the kind that simply manifested in the little things they would do for each other, in the way that they moved around each other. Yuugao does her best not to twitch as the needle breaks her skin, trying to go to that place where pain becomes meditative and every feeling dissolves into indifference. But of course, all she can think about is how she wanted matching tattoos with Raidou, and how this feels like a cheap substitute. She had been so fucking petty then, like, who the fuck cares about what he had with Kurenai, when what they had is, _was_ so special?

She looks up, and Daydream Hayate stands there, arms crossed, watching her as if he were a silent jury. Yuugao frowns at him, because it feels like he is preemptively guilting her for not telling her therapist or Yamato about this little adventure. _We all have secrets, Hayate._ He dissipates, leaving smoke and a few falling leaves, and for once she can’t find it in herself to care.

**

Raidou and Kurenai haven’t given up on life, so much as they are trying to distract themselves from despair. Kurenai is staying with him, until she can go back to her own apartment without wanting to peel her skin off of her body, and Raidou honestly doesn’t mind the company. She sleeps on Yuugao’s side of the bed, and neither of them have to get used to sleeping alone. Their complexes have always complimented each other.

Raidou lies down on his side of the bed, flat on his back, while Kurenai lies on the other side. She’s wearing a giant t-shirt and shorts, while Raidou is in his boxers and a crewneck sweater with a big hole in the armpit. She lies on her side, their eyes fixed on the laptop between them, as they absentmindedly share a bag of gummy sharks. His dad would say that this candy tastes like soap, which, as Kurenai reminded Raidou at the convenience store at 3 a.m., the last time either of them put real clothes on, is the best kind of shitty gummy candy.

They haven’t eaten terribly the entire time that they’ve been together, but the last two days have been especially rough—Kurenai tried to pack Asuma’s things alone, and Raidou was cleaning and found a pair of Yuugao’s underwear, so the two of them have both agreed to wallow. Which means they are in bed, not wearing clothes, eating candy and watching ghost videos on YouTube.

“Okay,” Kurenai says, pointing at the computer screen, “you have to admit, that one was pretty creepy.” She picks a gummy shark out of the bag and puts it in her mouth, chewing while Raidou swallows his own chewed up shark.

“I’m still not convinced,” he says, “I mean, an orb? Really? It could easily just be a floater or a piece of dust catching the light.” Kurenai frowns and opens her mouth, when they both sense a presence at his door. Raidou tenses, but Kurenai sighs.

“It’s just Genma,” she says. Raidou groans, his entire body relaxing. Neither of them bothers to get up and let Genma in, forcing him to use a time-space jutsu, and when he walks into Raidou’s dark room, neither of them looks away from the screen.

Genma puts his hands on his hips, like either of them would take his authority seriously, before huffing and walking over to the curtains, throwing them open. They continue to ignore him, as Kurenai puts a gummy shark in Raidou’s mouth. Genma stands at her side of the bed, arms crossed, assessing the damage.

They both look like they’ve showered, and their clothes smell like clean laundry. Neither of them looks dead behind the eyes, which is a considerable improvement from last week, when Genma spent a whole day with them at Raidou’s apartment and neither of them said anything, except ‘oh’ whenever Genma pointed something out. That said, they were eating whole foods and wearing actual clothes—but, on the other hand, Raidou and Kurenai are already intimately acquainted with each other’s bodies, so at least they aren’t naked.

“You’re hovering,” Raidou says, pausing the video. Kurenai looks up at Genma and holds out the bag of gummy sharks to him. Genma frowns, as neither Kurenai or Raidou have a sweet tooth, nor do either of them eat junk. Booze doesn’t count, because you drink it and arguably, given their jobs, that shit is medicinal.

“Why are you two eating those?” Genma asks. Raidou shrugs.

“Because we’re grieving,” she says.

“We’re having a blue Tuesday and Wednesday,” he says.

“Thursday doesn’t look any better,” Kurenai says, letting the gummy sharks fall between them.

“You two can’t eat this crap,” Genma says, reaching to snatch the candy away, but Raidou grabs it and Kurenai blocks his body, sending him rolling onto the floor. “What the fuck?!” Genma squawks from the floor, sitting up. “This is worse than you two fucking.”

“If you’re not going to be supportive, you should leave,” Kurenai says. Genma looks at her like she has lost her mind.

“Neither of you can survive on gummy candy,” he says.

“Raidou makes sure I take my prenatal vitamins,” Kurenai says, “isn’t that right?” She turns to Raidou, who nods.

“We had eggs for breakfast,” Raidou adds, “we’re just eating like this for fun.”

“Why are you two like this? Like, what is the specific reason that you two are in bed, not wearing clothes in the middle of the afternoon, eating candy and watching videos on the internet?” Kurenai and Raidou look at each other, and Genma sighs as they do their little telepathy.

“I found a pair of Yuugao’s underwear under the bed,” Raidou says, “Kurenai tried packing up some of the stuff at the apartment.” He avoids using Asuma’s name when he can. It still hurts her, too much.

“You two can’t live like this,” Genma says, “neither Yuugao nor Asuma would want this for you.” Given Yuugao’s performance at the bar the other night, Genma suspects that Yuugao is doing her own self-medicating. “You two only leave this place for errands or work or visiting the grave—”

“Genma, you can’t—” Raidou says, looking over at Kurenai, whose face is twitching. One of the unwritten rules of their pity party is that Yuugao and Asuma’s names are never invoked.

“Can’t what? Remind you two that there is this mutually agreed upon thing called _reality_?” Genma sighs. “Do you two even care about anyone else?” _I’m still alive and here, and I need you both_. Genma frowns, and Kurenai and Raidou look at each other, realizing why he’s here. He’s lonely too. While they’ve been in their own world, they’ve shut him out. Raidou picks up the computer, and Kurenai sits up, bending her legs.

“Do you want to watch ghost videos with us?” Kurenai asks softly. Genma sighs.

“I wanted to go get dinner.” He climbs onto the bed, accepting that he is going to be stuck in the middle. Raidou puts the computer on Genma’s stomach, while Kurenai sits up to rewind the video.

“Why does it have to be on my tummy?” Genma asks.

“Because I’m having a baby and Raidou probably has a precancerous mass in his abdomen,” Kurenai replies.

“God willing,” Raidou says, eating a gummy shark. Genma chooses not to mention that eating sugar is probably bad for a tumor and a baby.

“Don’t joke like that,” Kurenai says, frowning over at Raidou. If something happened to him, she’d go insane. Guy and Shizune would have to raise her baby and Kurenai would live under Genma’s coffee table.

“Sorry,” Raidou says. “You know you’re not alone, right?” Kurenai looks away, stretching her legs out. Raidou sighs, bumping into Genma’s body as he stretches his leg, knee bent to the ceiling, placing his left foot right between Kurenai’s knees. She doesn’t look at Raidou as she squeezes her knees around his ankle.

“This is cozy,” Genma says. Kurenai still doesn’t say anything, as she lies back to look at the ceiling. Raidou and Genma look at each other, before Genma nudges Kurenai. “You okay?”

“No,” Kurenai says in a small voice, swallowing. “I’m really not okay.”

“You don’t have to be,” Genma says, “it’d be weird if you were.”

“You think?”

“I know,” he says, “we’ll still be around, even if you’re not okay.” _Even if you’re never okay again._

“Really?” she asks in a small voice, looking up at Genma like she’s a little kid. He smiles and nods.

“Raidou and I will always be your throuple,” he says.

“Shoot me,” Raidou groans, and Kurenai smiles. Genma gets the bag of candy and places a gummy shark right in Kurenai’s mouth.

“Don’t listen to him,” Genma stage whispers, “he needs us more. I bet we could get Aoba or Guy to be a polygon with us, too. There is so much to look forward to, Kurenai.” She looks like she wants to cry the happy kinds of tears, smiling right into Genma’s pretty face. She squeezes her knees around Raidou’s ankle, which he doesn’t mind.

“Okay,” she says, “but can you do me a favor?”

“Probably,” Genma replies. Kurenai sits up, and points at the screen.

“Raidou doesn’t think this is real, but I think it is. Can you tell us what you think?” Genma nods as she hits play. He nods and sits back, clasping his hands on his chest. He frowns as a white orb moves across the screen.

“Honestly, that looks fake,” Genma says, before Raidou jostles him as he sits up, both hands in the air.

“See?” Raidou asks, grinning. Kurenai narrows her eyes at him.

“No, I don’t,” she says. Raidou sticks out his tongue, and Kurenai declares that Genma is her one true love. Raidou tries to move his foot, but she refuses to let him go.

**

Heartbreak isn’t real, not like a broken bone or dislocated joint. It won’t show up on a scan or be found during a physical. But nonetheless, Raidou is convinced that he has been effectively crippled for the last month. He pays his bills on time and gets up for work every morning, but something is missing. Genma says that it feels like he’s faraway, and Kurenai gives him a knowing look whenever he says he can’t watch a certain movie or listen to a particular song. They don’t question him, so much as they are always around if he needs to talk, whatever that means.

As far as he is concerned, there is nothing to talk about. Time stretches forward, mocking him—he stupidly, had maybe hoped, that he had found forever. Turns out he hadn’t. The past month has been a blur of working, eating, and sleeping. Kurenai still stays with him some nights and he will never rid himself of Genma, and if they didn’t force themselves on him than he wouldn’t see anyone.

He didn’t think that Yuugao changed him that much, or rather, he didn’t realize how much she had changed him until he broke up with her. Raidou still has some of her habits—always eating an egg in the morning, no coffee after 4 p.m., reading a book before bed. He hasn’t even rid himself of her things; he keeps them in a box in his closet. Raidou is used to being an independent person, capable of clearing out all the clutter and mess in his life. He hasn’t been a creature of sentiment, or rather, he hasn’t realized the extent to which his attachments ruled his life until breaking it off with Yuugao.

He hasn’t even had sex with anyone else. It just doesn’t appeal to him anymore. Yuugao asked him to contaminate her, but he is the one who is stained.

Raidou sits across from Genma, half-listening to him talk about his recent visit with his parents. Apparently, his father isn’t taking too well to retirement, and his mother is slowly but surely being driven insane by all the projects his dad has taken up to stave off boredom.

“Raidou, you need to come over and teach him how to actually fix the sink,” Genma says, “he is tinkering down there all the time, and it’s as leaky as ever, and my mother may actually kill him.”

“Can’t you tell him to call a plumber?” Raidou sighs, crossing his arms.

“Are you not available?”

“Maybe I’m busy,” Raidou shrugs.

“I’ve never heard you turn down on opportunity to fix someone else’s problems,” Genma says carefully. He knows, better than anyone, that Raidou hasn’t been himself lately. That said, Genma is impatient to get his friend back. It wouldn’t be called heartbreak if it could be taken well, but at a certain point, ‘you’ve got to suck it up’ as Genma’s father would say. Genma wonders if getting older just means that he is turning into his father—the thought disgusts him, not because he hates his father, far from it. Like most people, Genma has seen what time and resentment and trauma has done to his father, and he wants nothing to do with it, that’s all.

“People change,” Raidou hums, picking up his beer.

“Are you busy or have you changed?”

Before Raidou can answer that question, Aoba plops down in the seat next to him, grinning. “Guess who Kakashi and I found?” he says, his thumb pointing back over his shoulder. Raidou turns his head as Kakashi sits beside Genma, and his eye twitches when he sees Anko and Yuugao come up to the table. As far as he knows, Genma is the only person at the present who is aware of his relationship with Yuugao. Anko sits on Genma’s other side, and Yuugao sits beside him.

“Where’d you find them?” Genma asks, looking at Raidou.

“Oh, Yuugao was on the street and Anko was in the trash,” Aoba says, “the usual.”

Raidou greatly resents the use of the word ‘usual.’ Yuugao never hung out with them before; there is nothing _usual_ about her presence. As she liked to remind him, they are Hayate’s friends, not hers. Except maybe Kakashi, but that’s because he hangs around Yamato all the time. Raidou turns his head and blinks at her, the corner of his mouth twitching up before he looks away and sips his beer.

As Anko starts to tell them all about hers and Aoba’s latest misadventure in T&I, which apparently involved fire, Yuugao tries not to think about how much the expression on Raidou’s face hurt her feelings. They’ve been avoiding each other, and in all honesty, when Aoba and Kakashi found her, she was going to politely decline when Anko bounded up from out of nowhere and insisted that Yuugao come along.

Her new tattoo itches, and Yuugao makes herself smaller as the conversation just happens around her. Aoba and Anko are telling their story, interrupting each other or asking the other to elaborate on a part of the story. Aoba has a very good Ibiki impression, and Anko seems to have remembered every detail. Genma and Kakashi are looking between the two, and Yuugao finds herself grateful that they are being distracted. Kakashi muttered that he’d cover for her if she wanted to leave, but her whole, entire heart longs to see Raidou, to confirm that he is still among the living. Daydream Hayate hasn’t been around today, so her longing has been guilt-free.

She turns her head slightly to look at Raidou, and he is looking at her from the corner of his eye. Yuugao smiles bashfully and looks away, like she’s one of the dumb heroines in her, admittedly, trashy books. Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, she turns her attention to Anko, who is at the punchline of the story.

“And then Ibiki said, ‘I’m finished with you,’ to the entire department and slammed the door to his office,” Anko says, “he’s such a fucking dictator.”

“I miss the old Ibiki,” Aoba says, “he used to be fun, before he got promoted to department head.”

“Is fun really the right word?” Genma asks.

“He had a sense of humor,” Anko says, “remember all his dead baby jokes?” Genma and Kakashi know better than to ask, and Yuugao suspects that she doesn’t want to know, but that has never stopped Aoba and Anko from putting on a show.

“What do you call a dead baby in the middle of the ocean with no arms or legs?” Aoba asks.

“Fucked!” Anko responds, the two of them giggling.

“You two are the worst,” Genma sighs, sipping his drink.

“It’s Ibiki’s joke,” Anko says, “I don’t know why you’re judging us for sharing.” She bats her eyelashes at Genma, although Yuugao suspects that it’s an unconscious gesture. _Did he make you come three times?_ Raidou and Yuugao’s personal best when they spent a whole morning in bed and racked up seven orgasms between them in the span of four hours, five of which were hers.

“Ibiki has never told a good joke in his life,” Genma replies. Aoba smirks, while Anko makes a downright evil expression.

“Au contraire,” Aoba says, “what do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?”

“An inconvenience,” Kakashi deadpans.

“Art!” Anko crows, and Yuugao snorts, because look, it is kind of funny. Anko and Aoba immediately zero in on her, delighted to have finally amused someone.

“See, Yuugao has a sense of humor!” Anko says, pointing at her.

“She’s Anbu,” Genma says, “they're even more twisted than T&I. No offense.” From his tone, Yuugao suspects that Genma actually meant to cause full offense, but she decides to let it slide.

“None taken,” she says, “I’m the one with a sense of humor.” Aoba grins big, with all of his teeth, while Anko cackles.

“That,” Aoba says, “is a good point.” 

“I like her,” she says, “Yuugao, you should spend time with us more often.”

“All she did was laugh at your dumb joke,” Raidou says. He doesn’t even think before he opens his mouth.

Everyone turns to look at him. They all knew, in some form or another, that Raidou and Yuugao were seeing each other, and that it was becoming serious, even though they all pretended not to see it. However, Aoba and Anko don’t know that they broke up. They, in all honesty, haven’t seen him around much and they figured he would be happy to see Yuugao. But everyone notices the tight way he sits, how he and Yuugao are leaning away from each other. Anko and Aoba suddenly feel very, very stupid.

“Dumb jokes are the best kind,” Yuugao replies, trying to be nonchalant. This grates on Raidou’s nerves, because they’ve spent the last ten minutes sitting beside each other and not once has she said anything to him. He supposes it’s a two-way street, but she’s the one who, after a year of denying him, decided to come out with his friends a month after they ended things. Yuugao spent so much time avoiding this exact scenario, that it offends him to see her here.

Not only has she not said ‘hi,’ she’s sitting here joking with Aoba and Anko like it’s nothing, sitting beside him and acting like he’s never been inside of her or that they’ve never sucked each other’s fingers or that their mouths haven’t been all over each other’s bodies. In fact, he would say that there is a certain level of audacity to her presence. He hasn’t been speaking because he doesn’t want all of this to tumble out of him, to admit to her, to everyone, that he is not okay.

He’s also very angry with himself, because he has spent a month wanting to see her, because against all of his better judgement, he still wants her. Kurenai would tell him that love has nothing to do with judgement, but she isn’t here, and if she were, she would have sat between him and Yuugao, and she’d probably say something really snappy by now.

The best thing he can do is not react to her nonchalance. But that doesn’t mean that it’s what he is going to do. “Laughing at a joke doesn’t mean that we’re all friends,” he says. Yuugao looks at him in an overly neutral way, like he is an enemy and she doesn’t want him to calculate her next move.

“Wouldn’t you like for us all to be friends?” she asks in a polite voice. Raidou narrows his eyes. There are a lot of things he wants to say; yes, he wants her to be friends with his friends, he wants to be with her, he wants them to sit beside each other and laugh at Aoba and Anko’s dumb jokes. But he is also very hurt, and he doesn’t feel like being nice.

“I definitely don’t want to be your friend,” he says, standing up and throwing a bill on the table. As he storms off, Yuugao looks at the bill, before turning to everyone.

“I’m going to follow him,” she says, standing up. Not bothering to look back, she weaves between tables and patrons, pushing the door open with her entire body, swinging her head left and right before spotting him heading north.

She jogs up behind him, not bothering to call out until she is right behind him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “Raidou,” she huffs, “where are you going?”

“Home,” he says, not turning around. However, he does stop, and she nearly collides with his back.

“Let me walk you,” she says. When he turns to look at her, she puts her hands up in the air. “No funny business, I promise.”

“Why?” he asks, tone guarded but soft. Looking at her over his shoulder, he hates the part of himself that is happy to be in her orbit.

“Because I want to see you,” she says, her eyes big and sad. It’s like she’s showing him what the past month has done to her. Raidou bites his lip and nods, before walking forward.

She walks behind him like a shadow, and they say nothing to each other. It’s only a fifteen-minute walk, but it feels longer. He doesn’t turn to say anything, which hurts her feelings, but it’s still been very much worth it, to see him.

He turns around to say goodbye to her when he gets to his building. He bites the lining of his cheek, thinking about what he wants to say. “I’m a schmuck for not walking you home,” he says. Yuugao shakes her head.

“I’m definitely the schmuck,” she replies. “Goodnight, Raidou.”

“Yuugao,” he nods, before opening the door. She watches him go up the stairs, before she walks away, Daydream Hayate appearing at the top of the street to walk her home.

**

Yuugao is still in the habit of sleeping on the left side of the bed, by the window. Raidou, like Hayate, would insist on sleeping between her and the door. It’s 3 a.m., and she wakes up with a start, sitting up when she sees Daydream Hayate lying beside her, looking at her with sad eyes. “You scared me,” she says, hand over her chest. He blinks twice, as if to speak in code. “You know I don’t understand you,” she says, lying back down.

Now that Raidou is gone, he’s around all the time. He is right beside her when she eats her breakfast over the sink, sitting on the edge of the tub when she’s in the shower, standing by the door as she gets ready to leave for work. He even looks at her with his sad eyes when she masturbates, killing her lust unless it’s really bad.

Sometimes, she wonders if he is supposed to be a guide or a warning. “What should I do, Hayate?” she asks, looking up at him from her pillow. He sits up slowly, like it takes effort, tilting his head slightly, looking especially sad. She thinks that he too, wishes that he weren’t in her head.

**

It’s been two weeks since she walked Raidou home, and she still feels gutted for not telling him how she actually feels about their breakup. Thanks to work, she hasn’t had to think about it too much. Yuugao sits in her office, reading a file. It’s late at night, but so much has been happening that it’s impossible for her to leave at a decent hour. Daydream Hayate keeps her up, and if not him, her general anxiety over the future and the big hole left by Raidou do the job for him. He was never her boyfriend, but as the little red heart on her ass proves, Yuugao felt more than animal lust for Raidou. _Note to self: just because someone isn’t your boyfriend doesn’t mean he won’t leave a nasty scar_. She hasn’t seen him since she walked him home. It’s for the best, or maybe it isn’t. Yuugao doesn’t know how she feels anymore.

She hears a knock on her door and suppresses a groan. “Yes?” The door opens, and Raidou pops his head in.

“I have a file from the Hokage’s office,” he says. Yuugao blinks at him. _I want to inhale your top lip_.

“Okay,” she says, standing up. Raidou enters the office as she walks over to him, and he looks suspicious. “You look nervous.”

“I never know what I’ll get from you,” he holds the file out to her, his arm fully extended out, like he is trying to ensure that she doesn’t get close. Genma wouldn’t let him get out of delivering the file. Yuugao takes the file and looks down at it. Like a fool, Raidou stands there, watching her read it. Her brows furrow, and she frowns which is how he can tell that this file has added even more stress to her already heavy workload. The Akatsuki have created work for all of them, but he can imagine that it is especially bad for the Anbu captains. He watches her, pressing his tongue to the back of his teeth, thinking about leaving but somehow, not being able to do it.

Not for the first time, Raidou wishes that he and Yuugao actually talked about their relationship instead of having sex all the time. Maybe he’d feel less conflicted about standing here. Yuugao looks up at him.

“What is it?” she asks. Raidou’s lip twitches.

“You seem stressed,” he says. “Burdened.”

“It’s what I am,” she replies, “a beast of burden.”

“You’re ten times prettier than any cow I’ve ever seen,” he says. Yuugao smiles.

“I believe you meant ox,” she says softly. “How are you?”

“Surviving,” he replies, “I don’t get a lot of sleep.” He’d grown accustomed to her warm weight beside him. Time has passed and Kurenai is with him, more often than not but he still hasn’t adjusted. It’s like his body refuses to believe she’s gone.

“I don’t sleep well either,” she says, turning back and walking to her desk. “All the stress just sits in my gut.” She isn’t wearing the vest, gloves or arm guards, so Raidou has to consciously not think about her body.

“I was never stressed like this when we were together,” he says. Yuugao places the file on her desk, before turning back to look at him.

“It’s hard to be stressed when you’re fucking around all the time.” The thing is that fucking around in their spare time is what has kept them both sane for the last year.

“Fucking around,” he says, “that’s one way to put it.”

“Is there another phrase?” she asks, baiting him to keep him close.

Raidou presses his lips together, trying to contain his resentment. But it’s still there, right over his stomach. _What was I to you?_ Because he swears, there were moments between them where he felt like he finally knew peace, and he has spent the last six weeks wondering if he was just projecting or if it was true for her too. Yuugao watches the frustration on his face, and if she hadn’t spent the last month and a half being shadowed by Daydream Hayate and fantasizing about Raidou, she might be indignant. But right now, she wants to feel sane, which means sticking her hand into the ice bath of reality, where Hayate isn’t really here and she and Raidou are no more.

“It wasn’t just fucking around,” he says, “it was more.” Yuugao’s lip twitches, because it was so much more.

“You’re right,” she says softly, thinking about all the times she said no to dates or pushed him away, when all he wanted to do was be close to her.

“I have a question I’ve wanted to ask for a while now,” he says, “may I do it now?” Raidou tucks his hands into his pockets, while Yuugao crosses her arms, like she can protect herself from the oncoming emotional blow.

“You may,” she replies.

“Was I just a place holder?” he asks. “I keep looking at this past year, and I look at all of it, and I…did you ever actually want me, or just someone to be there?” Raidou has nice eyes. They aren’t exotic or striking, but they are very expressive. He usually has a very pointed stare but today, they are just soft. She wants to tell him this, but he would simply reply that she has made him soft.

“Of course not,” she says. She had vowed never to date another member of the forces, had sworn to herself that she would never commit to another man. She had been completely prepared to remain alone, but then Raidou came along and changed her plans. “I want…being with you was something I hadn’t planned on, and I wasn’t using you as a replacement. I very much enjoyed our time together.” It’s a professional answer. It doesn’t satisfy Raidou’s morbid desire to get hurt.

“Yuugao, you acted like my girlfriend but denied that we were even together,” he replies, “do you know how much that hurt? How much it still hurts to tell you this and have you act like my feelings are a surprise—”

“I’m not saying that!” Her reply is forceful. None of this is a surprise, and it’s a wonder that he hadn’t confronted her about it earlier. “I wasn’t ready to be someone’s girlfriend.” Something in Raidou’s eyes flash, and they harden. His mouth sets in a line, the way it does when he doesn’t feel listened to.

“Not ready, or do you not want me?” he asks. “Because I need to know which one it is, so I can move on.” Genma and Kurenai would tell him that the answer is self-evident. But it’s not clear until he hears Yuugao say it.

“I feel ambushed,” she replies, “you’re ambushing me.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Raidou, what do you really want from me?” she asks, “why did you really come here?”

“I want to know how you feel about me,” he replies. “Because, for reasons beyond me, I still really, really like you.” Probably love. Yuugao’s posture softens, and she walks up to Raidou, taking his hands out of his pockets, holding them in her own.

“I want you,” she admits, “still.” She thought it was just a habit, but it should’ve been broken in six weeks. One of her biggest fears is that, like the curse of always loving Hayate, she will now always want Raidou.

“You want me?” he asks in a quiet voice. He’s technically still on the clock and is not supposed to be gone for longer than five minutes, but it has already been ten and Genma isn’t a total buffoon. Yuugao takes his face in her hands and kisses him, deep.

Raidou reciprocates, wrapping his arms around her waist as they collide with the door. Yuugao pulls away to fiddle with the lock, while Raidou kisses her hairline.

“We need to do this quickly,” she mumbles. He says nothing, pressing his lips to her hair. The lock clicks into place, and Yuugao takes his hand in hers and walks them back over to her desk. She is very business-like, untucking his shirt and pulling the zipper of his pants down. Raidou frowns and then grabs her wrists, stopping her from pulling his dick out. She looks up at him, her mouth pressed into a line.

“Not like this,” he says softly, before leaning in kissing her with feeling. She hurt his feelings, it’s true, and a business-like, quid pro quo sexual encounter might be the smarter thing to do, it won’t feel good, let alone come close to the sex that they’ve had in the past. Yuugao pulls her wrists from his hands, and puts them up to his face, pressing her tummy to his.

She has missed him. Yuugao never thought she would have to get used to sleeping alone, and it’s the dirt worst that she has now had to do it for a second time. She misses Raidou’s snoring, his smell, pressing her mouth onto the crown of his head when he’s sleepy and tired. He’s good at sex but his vulnerability is better, and she grieves all the small things between them. She wants to help him with all his weekend projects and clean his apartment and buy him plants for his windows. She wants to just sit next to him on the couch and tell him all about her day and listen to his.

Yuugao pushes his flak jacket off of his shoulders, before pulling away and looking into his eyes as she unbuttons her pants and pulls the zipper down. Raidou, who, let it be known, is pathologically incapable of doing the smart thing when it comes to Yuugao, places his palm over her belly, before moving lower and lower. He slips his hand inside of her underwear, and knowing that they don’t have time, he does the bare minimum to get her where she needs to be. Yuugao’s hand joins his, and together, his fingers inside while hers are on her clit, they pull out an orgasm. He covers her mouth with his other hand and smiles when she presses her tongue to the middle of his palm. 

She looks up and gets up on her tippy toes, his fingers still inside of her, and kisses him on the mouth. No one is around, but that doesn’t mean they are alone. She pulls away and turns around, presenting him with her back, her hands on her desk. Raidou thinks about whether or not he should ask about a condom, but he never did before so why start being responsible now? He pulls her pants and underwear over her hips, and blinks when he sees a little, red heart on her left butt cheek.

“You got a new tattoo,” he says. Yuugao turns and looks at him.

“I did,” she says, “it’s because love is a pain in the ass.” Raidou narrows his eyes but says nothing. He has purposefully avoided the word ‘love’ because he thinks that it can protect some of his feelings. Turns out he was wrong.

“I didn’t know we were in love,” he replies, lining himself up.

“We _are_ in love,” she says. Raidou sinks into her, and she turns away so that she doesn’t have to see the look on his face after showing him her guts. Raidou doesn’t know what to do, so he just keeps moving forward, snaking his hand around her front so that he can touch her while he’s inside of her.

The admission takes something out of Yuugao, who puts a hand over her eyes because she really, really wants to cry right now. It’s offensive that another orgasm is sparking up inside of her, that she chases each of his thrusts without even thinking about it. She feels him press his stomach to her back, changing to angle the that it’s like she on the edge of a knife, teetering, teetering, teetering, waiting for him to just push her.

And fuck, she really wishes he would. They are already breaking at least ten different rules and she is pretty sure he was supposed to just drop the file off and leave, so he should do his best to end it quickly. On the other hand, she never, ever wants him to stop. She feels his hot breath on the back of her neck, through her hair, and he moves up through her and she swears that she sees stars. The only thing missing is that she can’t look into his eyes, but she knows his are on her, and that’s enough.

She moans low, and Raidou, knowing that they really, really can’t risk getting caught, takes his hand from between her legs and puts it over her mouth. Yuugao, in a fit of pique, decides to suck on his fingers. He moves steadily, and she swears, he’s making his own space for himself inside of her. Yuugao moves a hand between her legs, and they both know that it won’t be long now. “Yes, yes, yes,” she says around his fingers. Raidou grunts in response.

There are a lot of theories as to how the world came to exist, how something can spring from nothing. When the white light hits Yuugao between the eyes and Raidou is pulled under, they both feel like maybe, just maybe, they caught a brief glimpse of a world being born. Raidou presses his forehead into her shoulder, and Yuugao presses his hand into her stomach. They breath hard, both a little shaken at the violence of their orgasms.

“We’re in love,” Raidou says. Yuugao nods.

“Yes,” she says quietly. He stands up and pulls away, stepping back to fix himself. Yuugao pulls her pants back up, her back to him.

Raidou wants to, so badly, tell her that he loves her, but he doesn’t have the time to tell her about all his big feelings. He’s surprised that Genma hasn’t come down here yet, and he doesn’t want to press his luck any further. But he also knows he can’t tell her he loves her if she isn’t ready to hear it, and she won’t be ready until they can talk about Hayate.

“We can talk about him,” Raidou says, “I was friends with him.” Yuugao spins around, her mouth twisted. _I was going to spend the rest of my life with him_. She knows Raidou is trying to be helpful, but she really doesn’t want that right now. He’s made things confusing and it’s bad enough that she is in love with him.

“Are you friends with him when you’re inside of me?” she asks. Raidou chews on the inside of his cheek, because that really isn’t a fair question. _Do you think I wanted things to be this way?_ But he’s old enough to when he’s being baited, so he says nothing. He picks his flak jacket up of the floor and puts it on. She watches him, her features softening as she realizes he isn’t going to yell back.

“I’ll see you later,” he says in a soft voice. He crosses her office, and in a second, he’s gone.

**

When life goes to shit, which happens not infrequently, Raidou likes to hide from the world. But he knows that he wouldn’t be half the person he is without his friends, and all they have ever wanted to do is protect him. Since having sex with Yuugao in her office, he’s realized that he truly doesn’t want to end up alone and become the kind of person who relates to people as if he has never known love. For better or worse, the people who have always loved him are his friends.

He’s had the kind of day where he needs to feel loved and valued, so when he came home and cracked his face apart in front of Kurenai, she immediately knew who to call. Raidou’s dried his tears, but his face is still puffy, something that Genma, Aoba and Anko don’t comment on. He is re-organizing his books, something he does when on edge. He hasn’t told any of them why he’s upset, but they respectfully look on as he does his thing.

Aoba is looking around, and grins when he sees the green and red plaid blanket on the couch. Raidou has never once in his life ever bought anything remotely decorative. The fact that he appears to have started with a blanket is hilarious to Aoba, who walks to the couch, picks up the blanket and wraps it around over his head and shoulders, like a cloak with a hood.

“Anko! Guess what I am?” he asks, grinning. Genma plops down on the couch, looking up at Aoba.

“Annoying,” Genma says. Aoba turns around and frowns, clutching the blanket in a fist under his throat.

“Rude,” Aoba says, “Anko!”

“I think you are Raidou’s last fuck to spare,” she says, “like, green plaid? Really, Raidou?” Anko pinches some of the blanket between her fingers, “where did you even get this?”

Raidou, whose back has been turned this entire time, looks at the blanket and frowns. He can’t recall where the blanket came from. It just showed up one day. The first time he remembers noticing it, Yuugao had been cold while they were watching a movie, and he grabbed it, because it was there. It suddenly dawns on him that he wasn’t the one who purchased the blanket. It was Yuugao who bought it.

He blinks at Aoba, staring at the blanket, saying nothing, while everyone looks at him. Kurenai is sipping a glass of orange juice, eyeing him carefully while Aoba and Anko look at him like he’s dumb. Genma sighs, looking out of the window. There is a bird flying across the sky, escaping to the horizon, and then, gone.

Raidou says nothing, before turning on his heel and walking into the bathroom. He doesn’t know how to talk about what is happening to him. Kurenai had broken his heart but Yuugao has taken it for herself, and it feels like it will never get better. He turns on the cold water and splashes his face a few times, in the dark. When the lights flick on and he feels a gentle hand on his back, he braces himself on the sink, looking down the drain. _That’s where my life is going_.

“Want to talk about it?” Kurenai asks.

“No,” Raidou says, not looking up.

“What happened to you?” she says quietly. Raidou squeezes his eyes shut. _We’re in love_. It taunts him.

“I had sex with Yuugao a week ago,” he says in a low voice, “and she told me that we’re in love.” He doesn’t cry, but neither does he stand up straight. Kurenai says nothing at first, withholding her judgment. He appreciates it. The last thing he needs is a restatement of the obvious.

“Would you like a hug?” she asks quietly.

Raidou nods, like a big, overgrown toddler, eyes shut and bottom lip sticking out. In his professional life, he’s known for being stubborn and willful. Always getting back up. The word ‘indominable’ has been thrown around. He’s able to stay calm and make good decisions. He most decisively isn’t a mess, nor does he cry, nor does he act like a little baby. He’s not even really like this with his friends, except Kurenai, sometimes Genma. Raidou doesn’t feel like he knows who he is anymore.

He turns to Kurenai, standing up and wrapping his arms around her, tucking his face into her neck. An arm comes around his waist to press into his back, while her other hand cradles the back of his neck. She hugs him tight. The universe has done her dirty but that doesn’t mean Kurenai wants to see anyone else suffer. Raidou is her first love, and that still means something, even after Asuma.

“I want you to be happy,” she says.

“I want the same for you,” he says to her neck. Kurenai looks up at the ceiling of his bathroom, a perfectly smooth cream plane. No smudges from squished bugs or water damage.

“I know,” she says quietly. If he has been dealt a cosmic ‘fuck you,’ Kurenai has been given several.

“You give mom hugs now,” he mumbles. Kurenai smiles, stroking the back of his neck.

“I’m going to be someone’s mom,” she replies softly.

“A Moms,” he says, “that’s what you’ll be.” Kurenai smiles, pulling away to look at his face.

“I am going to be a Moms,” she says, before pressing her mouth over his forehead, right where his third eye should be.

**

Yuugao isn’t avoiding Raidou, so much as she assumes that he doesn’t want to see her. Sex revealed what she already knew to be true, which is that she is, for better or worse, she is in love with Raidou. She doesn’t see that changing soon. They’ve spent weeks apart, and the pain is beginning to recede, but that doesn’t mean she’s okay. She’s just comfortable because, long ago, she assumed that she would never be okay again.

Because of this, she assumes that she is better than she actually is. She’s used to feeling empty. There is a vending machine in the lobby of HQ, and she’s in the middle of buying gummy worms for Yamato when she hears a familiar voice. She can’t make out his words, but she hears his distinct rumble. It’s Raidou, talking to Shizune, neither of them paying any attention to Yuugao. She isn’t a jealous person, but she is a little insecure, and seeing him with another woman makes something tug inside of her. Yuugao doesn’t realize that she’s staring until she hears the package of gummy worms plop down to be collected.

She watches Yamato stuff a gummy worm into his mouth as she thinks about the smile Shizune put on Raidou’s face. _She’s not as pretty as me_. Once again, Yuugao frowns at how petty her thoughts are. Yamato is chewing on his worm and giving her a sideways look, which is how she knows that he is thinking about how he is going to ask her about her mood.

“Just ask me, Yamato,” she says, arms crossed. He frowns at her harsh tone, not saying anything immediately.

“You’re upset,” he states. Yuugao looks away from him. She finds it hard to meet his gaze when she knows that she is the architect of her own problems. It’s always more comfortable to claim victimhood than it is to acknowledge when she’s wrong.

“I saw Raidou with Shizune,” Yuugao says, the twitch in her eye audible in the way her voice inflects.

“They’re friends,” Yamato says, voice free of judgment.

“So?” she says, “I’m being petty.” Yamato side-eyes her, before he looks through his bag of gummy worms.

“That doesn’t mean it’s alright for you to speak rudely,” Yamato deadpans, pulling an orange and green gummy worm out of the bag. Yuugao says nothing for a minute, because he really isn’t wrong.

She looks up at the sky, frowning. “I just feel very powerless,” she says, “like, all these bad things keep happening to me, and it’s like, when the fuck is the universe going to give?” Opening her arms to the sky, Yuugao tilts her head back, as if to pose her question to the heavens.

“We’re Anbu,” Yamato says, “you know just as well as I do that humans have far more agency than we would like to admit.” Yuugao eyes him, frowning.

“What does that mean?”

“That Hayate and Raidou both want you to be happy, and that happiness is staring right back at you.” Yamato stops walking and tilts his head. “It’s your choice what you do with it.”

It’s been a while since anyone has reminded her that she does have a say in how her life plays out. Yuugao looks at him, her mouth a little open. “Yamato, how did you become so wise?”

“It’s the early childhood trauma,” he says, stuffing another gummy worm into his mouth.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo long story short life really went my way this week and I am still surprised. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and please feel free to leave a comment. I eat them for breakfast. Things are going to get happy and stay happy. This story is moving fast because I am painting this relationship in broad strokes-I wanted to just take a moment and acknowledge that things are moving briskly for a reason, although, life doesn't offer any reasons at all, does it?


	6. Before Common Era Part VI

“I’m getting used to receiving/ still getting good at not leaving”

Ariana Grande, “pov”

Taking Yamato’s words to heart, Yuugao has spent the last week visualizing how she is going to get Raidou back, or, at the very least, tell him how she really feels about him. The universe is merciless but Yuugao does have some say in how she lives in it, and the more she acts like she has no agency, she will only become further ensnared. Yuugao doesn’t want to accept being empty, no, she wants to be _happy_. She wants to tell Raidou how she feels, fully clothed, with actual words and full sentences, leaving nothing up to interpretation. _Raidou, I want you_. Too possessive and entitled. _Raidou, let’s go on a date_. Too casual, flippant even.

She works on it with Daydream Hayate, throwing out different variations of the same thing. He shakes his head at every version of _Raidou, I need you_ and frowns whenever she says something too cliché and insincere, like _Raidou, you’re the sun and all the stars_. She knows that she’s found the perfect way to say it when Hayate offers a small smile. It doesn’t even twist her gut; instead, she glows from his approval.

It’s another week before she sees Raidou on a walk with Kurenai, who is only just beginning to show. Even then, she just looks bloated. Yuugao squares her shoulders and walks up to them, trying not to think about her sweaty knees and thumping heart. Kurenai spots her first, and she nudges Raidou, both looking at Yuugao. Kurenai has an overly neutral expression, which Yuugao recognizes to be the kind of face one wears when they are evaluating an enemy. Raidou just looks like he is trying to not look sad, which gives Yuugao pause—she is never going to make him sad again, not if she can help it, but he may not want to give her the chance to make it up to him.

Kurenai decides to take control and speak first, before Yuugao is even finished walking up to them.

“Hi Yuugao,” she says, stepping closer to Raidou. Yuugao is a little offended, but she can’t say that she’s surprised.

“Hi Kurenai, Raidou,” Yuugao says, “could I speak to you privately, Raidou?” She watches him turn to Kurenai, like he is seeking permission, and Yuugao does her best to not let it bother her. Jealousy can’t always be helped but she doesn’t have to feed it; she intends to be the kind of person Yamato expects her to be.

“Sure,” Raidou says, looking back at Yuugao, “I’ll be one sec.” He holds up one finger, before stepping forward. Kurenai says nothing, crossing her arms.

They walk a few feet away, standing in front of a coffee shop. Yuugao turns her back so she can’t see Kurenai, and then, she looks up at Raidou and everything falls away. His arms are crossed, and he looks nervous, which, considering their last contemptible encounter, is completely justified.

“Hi Raidou,” she says, “I have some things I want to say to you, if I may?”

“You may,” he says, his eyes darting over to Kurenai. Yuugao realizes that he is looking for reassurance, like, even if the worst happens Kurenai will be there to help him. He doesn’t even pretend to have any pride; he just looks at Yuugao and waits for her to speak.

“Raidou, I’m sorry,” she says, “I’ve really hurt your feelings, and that wasn’t okay. I’m so, so sorry.”

His mouth hangs open in a perfect ‘o.’ Never, in a million years, did he think she’d ever apologize to him. In truth, he’s not sure that he deserves an apology, considering how things ended between them, but it does feel good for her to acknowledge his feelings. Yuugao clasps her hands together, to avoid fidgeting, as she looks up at him. “I would like to try again, but I know you might not want that,” she says in a quiet voice.

“Try again?”

“Try better,” she clarifies, “there’s this movie I think you’d like, and I was wondering if we could go see it in a theatre together.” She has his full and undivided attention now.

“You want to see a movie with me?” Raidou is happy, but this all feels too easy, like all this pain and angst was for nothing.

“Yes,” she says, “I’d like to take you out to a movie tomorrow, at seven.”

“A movie,” he hums, “one that you think I’ll like.” Yuugao nods, smiling. He can’t keep a smile off of his own face, as he nods his head.

“Okay,” he says, “I’ll come get you at seven.” She nods, not saying anything. Raidou presses his palm to her cheek, before nodding and heading back to Kurenai. Yuugao watches him walk, covering her mouth with her hand to hide her smile.

**

Sitting across from Kurenai, Raidou does his best to hide how happy he is. She watches him, stuffing the soba noodles in her mouth, head tilted with a feline expression on her face. Raidou plays with his food, smiling to himself. He hasn’t told her what Yuugao said, but he can tell that she would like to know.

Kurenai swallows her food, before picking a piece of chicken out of his bowl. “What did she say to you?” There is no suspicion or anger in her voice, just curiosity.

“She apologized.” Raidou smiles at the surprise on Kurenai’s face.

“Apologized?”

“For hurting my feelings,” he says. He pauses, studying the look on Kurenai’s face. It strikes him that while his problem has been easily solved, Kurenai’s is the kind that will never go away. “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she asks, smiling. However, there is a sad look behind her eyes, and Raidou _knows_ , in his heart, that while it’s not his fault and that she is happy for him, it hurts.

“Because she came back,” he says. Kurenai sighs. “You know, he’d come back if he could.”

“I know,” she says, “do you think I don’t know that?” Sighing again, Kurenai sets her chopsticks down on the edge of her bowl. “You shouldn’t feel guilty, Raidou.”

“But—”

“Raidou,” Kurenai says, “please, don’t make my feelings your problem. There isn’t a solution, it just is what it is.” She pauses, before picking up her chopsticks again. “I’m going to have a baby; Genma was right, you know? There really is so much to look forward to, Raidou. So please, don’t pity me or…use what happened to poison this. Just be happy, okay?” _It’s what Asuma would want_. She blinks a little, and Raidou sees the tears forming in the corners of her eyes. He picks up his unused napkin and reaches over, dabbing gently, the way his mother would for him. Kurenai submits to his attention, biting her lower lip.

When Raidou sits back, napkin in his hand, Kurenai shakes out her hair, looking down at her noodles.

“He would want you to be happy too,” he says quietly.

“I know that,” she says softly.

“But I’ll be here, even if you’re never okay again, you know that, right?” he asks, looking right at her. Kurenai smiles.

“I’m counting on it,” she says. Raidou nods, before turning back to his plate, picking up some noodles, before stuffing them into his mouth.

**

Yuugao has been pacing around her apartment for the past fifteen minutes. She’s wearing one of her short dresses, and she’s put on all her makeup. All there is to do is wait. Her tummy is fluttering, and she doesn’t know how to calm it down. She doesn’t know why she is so nervous; Raidou isn’t a stranger, and he likes her too.

Right at 7 p.m., she hears a knock on the door, and she practically skips to the door. Grabbing her purse, she turns around and waves at Daydream Hayate, who is standing by the window. Yuugao opens, the door, smiling when she sees Raidou standing there.

“Ready?” he asks. Yuugao nods.

“Yes,” she says, “I am so ready.” She steps out of her apartment and locks the door. He stands right over her, like a shield. “I wanted to buy you flowers.”

“You wanted to buy _me_ flowers?” Raidou asks. Yuugao nods.

“I’m wooing you,” she says. Raidou sighs, smiling softly.

“You don’t need to do this,” he says, “I’m happy with a movie.” Yuugao frowns.

“Can I at least hold your hand?” she asks. Now that she has been without, she never wants to waste a chance to hold his hand again.

“Okay,” he says, holding out his hand. Yuugao drops her keys into her bag, before taking his hand, smiling.

**

Yuugao joked about not putting out on the first date. _This is a completely fresh start—the problem was that we were way to busy fucking to actually talk_. Raidou replied that he didn’t remember their relationship that way, but he didn’t press further. At her insistence, she walked him home and held his hand, all the way up the stairs to his apartment. He pointedly looked at her mouth, before looking her in the eye and asking if they were really going to pretend that this is their first date or that they are the kind of couple who actually waits to have sex.

She hasn’t touched him, besides holding his hand, since he bent her over her desk. They got through the door, and while he locked it, Yuugao tapped her foot impatiently. He smiled when he saw the impatient look on her face, having the nerve to fully sidestep her and tell her that he was going straight to bed. Yuugao stood there, her mouth hanging in an ‘o,’ watching him walk right into his bedroom. She took her shoes off and left them in front of the door, the way that he hates, before stomping after him. Already half-naked, Raidou stood there, grinning like an asshole, while Yuugao tried very, very hard not to smile, her mouth wiggling and cheeks puffing. She put a hand over her mouth and tried to be mad, but it’s impossible.

He walked over and moved her hand, before pressing his mouth to hers, neither ready for the way she pressed up against him, getting on her tippy toes, cupping her hand to the back of his neck, like she wants to climb down his throat.

Now, fully naked, she stretches above him, her face hovering over his, looking right into his eyes. Yuugao pins Raidou’s hands over his head as their hips move together. Right after she took his dick out of her mouth, she asked if she could pin him down. There was a little bit of saliva and precum on her lower lip that he looked at as he wordlessly put his hands over his head, lying back, only moving when she asked him too. She becomes increasingly louder the harder he gives it, and he groans under her.

They are sweaty, and their arms ache, and in the soft glow of his bedside lamp, they both look a little golden. Yuugao angles her hips and cries out when he strokes the front wall, looking down at him with complete adoration. She leans down, her mouth over his.

“If I let go, you won’t stop, right?” she asks. Raidou grins as she lets go of his wrists.

“I’m offended by the question,” he sighs, immediately putting his hands on her hips. He stabilizes her, and they slow down, enjoying their time together. The end comes slowly, stretched out in the most perfect way, if Yuugao were asked.

When it’s finally over, Yuugao sits up, with a dumb smile on her face. Raidou blinks up at her lazily, amused by the look on her face.

“You look so happy,” he says.

“It’s because I am,” she says, “I am very happy.” Raidou thinks about making a snarky remark, but instead, he lets her have this moment.

“It really could have been this easy,” he mumbles, poking her bellybutton. Yuugao says nothing, because as much as she loathes to admit it, he’s right.

**

When Yuugao woke up, Raidou’s mouth was pressed to her shoulder; he drooled on her in his sleep, something she found very endearing. Now, he sits across from her, sipping his coffee, watching her eat breakfast. Yuugao smiles, one of her cheeks bulging from the eggs in her mouth.

It’s silly, how happy this all makes her. This is what she wants—she can see it now, all of it. She knows, at some point, it’s going to get hard, in the sense that they can’t just have sex and avoid talking about the hard things forever, but this makes it worth it.

Raidou sips his coffee, smiling at the stupid happy look on Yuugao’s face. “You’re in such a good mood,” he says, looking over at the newspaper.

“What can I say?” she says, “you put a smile on my face.”

“Huh,” Raidou says, picking up the paper. The compliment makes him feel very good, but he knows that he should give her a little bit of a hard time. Or at least be honest about how deeply she hurt his feelings. They are going to have to talk about the hard things too, if they want this to work.

Raidou flips through to the ‘Global Affairs’ section and pulls it out of the paper, leaving the rest in a pile on the table. Yuugao swallows her food, watching him closely as he opens the paper.

“It’s rude to read in front of guests,” she teases.

“Ah, I guess you’re right,” he says, looking over the top of the paper. “It’s even ruder to make a guy cry.” Yuugao looks genuinely surprised.

“You cried?”

“Yes, I cried over you,” Raidou says, finding it easy to tell her. He’s a stoic person, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings. “Look, I don’t really need to talk about it because it’s over, but we do need to talk about Hayate, eventually.” Yuugao doesn’t necessarily agree, but she knows what he is trying to say: they need to honest about the bad things too. That’s the only way that the hurt, sadness and anger will lose their power.

“I got really jealous,” Yuugao says, “like, I screamed while picturing you and Kurenai and glared at Shizune, jealous.” She wilts a little, not very proud of it. “I don’t really like that I felt those feelings, and it’s not the same as making you cry…I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was hurt too.” Yuugao sets her chopsticks down, before tucking her hair behind her ears.

Raidou sets the paper down, smiling. “Kurenai and Shizune are pretty. Haven’t made me cry either.” Yuugao puffs her cheeks, which makes him laugh.

“I’m trying to be a good person,” she grumbles, picking up her own mug of coffee.

“You can call me a crybaby,” he says, “when it’s just us.” Yuugao does smile at that one.

“I don’t know if I should say this again, or if this needs clarifying,” she says, “but I want to be with you, and I want us to work towards that together. Do you feel the same?”

“Of course, I do,” Raidou smiles. This is probably the most mature thing he has ever done. “I want us to have a really boring, happy relationship.”

“Boring and happy,” she hums, “you know, I think I could eat you all up.” He shrugs at the non sequitur, picking the paper up again.

“Do it,” he replies.

“But then there would be none of you left,” Yuugao replies, sipping her coffee. Raidou smiles to himself, shrugging.

“Cannibalize me, be bored and happy with me, I don’t mind either way.” Yuugao smiles, setting her coffee down. She feels like she picked a good one.

**

No one is ready for Pain’s attack—how could they be? No one imagines destruction on that scale, not even shinobi. Yuugao walks amongst the wreckage, heading towards another medic-tent. Her parents were both in the one on the northside of town; they are both alright, although her father was one of the shinobi who died and came back to life, and her mother has a nasty cut on her forehead. Yuugao is just grateful that they are both alive; she isn’t ready to say goodbye to either of them, not that anyone is ever ready for their parents to die.

Yuugao opens the flap of the tent, taking in the chaos. There are more people who are injured than there are medics, so the worst cases are being treated first. She looks around, and sighs when she sees Raidou, holding his wrist up to his chest, looking miserable. Yuugao weaves her way through all the people, and he only sees her when she’s a few feet away.

“Hey,” she says softly, “what happened?”

“Pain,” he deadpans, holding up his wrist. She looks down, frowning at his arm.

“Is it broken?” she asks. When he nods, her chest feels tight, and a part of her feels triggered, like she wants to go outside and throw up. She didn’t expect this to happen so early into their reconciliation, and it feels like history is threatening to repeat itself.

Raidou seems to sense her feelings and decides to change the subject from his wrist. “How are your parents?”

“They’re okay,” she says, “they are up in another medic tent.” Yuugao doesn’t stop frowning as she finally looks him in the eye. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“We were on duty and the village was under attack,” he replies softly. Yuugao cups her hand under his wrist, not touching it but there if his arm gets tired.

“I want to protect you,” she says quietly. The subject of Hayate hangs between them. All this time, Raidou thought that her feelings for Hayate had nothing to do with him—he is only now realizing that it was not the case. Now that he sees it, he understands what it must mean to lose a partner, that it would make her twice shy to take up with another, especially a shinobi.

“I know,” he says softly, “I want to protect you too.” Staying alive is really the most efficient way of protecting her sanity. Yuugao smiles up at him.

“Where are you staying tonight?”

“I haven’t figured that out,” he replies, scratching his head. “I knew there was something I was forgetting.” His absentmindedness makes her smile, since usually, he is very on-top of logistic details.

“Come find my tent,” she says, “I’ve got work to do.” Yuugao doesn’t want to leave, but duty calls, or whatever. Raidou nods.

“I’ll find you as soon as I can,” he replies. She nods and turns to leave the tent, before turning around and kissing him on the cheek—she doesn’t care to miss out on any opportunities to flaunt her affection, not after Hayate’s death, their separation or Raidou’s injury. He blushes a little, making her smile, before she turns and leaves the tent.

**

Yuugao looks at the carton of strawberries, frowning at them. Konoha has more or less been rebuilt, and Raidou decided that they ought to check out the shiny new grocery store in his neighborhood. The medics decided to fully heal his wrist, something that he very much appreciates; it means that, even though Yuugao insists on holding the basket, it’s not because he’s injured. There are big windows, with warm colors and nice lighting.

“This doesn’t feel like a grocery store,” Raidou says, “I can tell that they are trying to make me buy things.”

“Well, it is a store,” Yuugao says, “what do you think of these berries?” Holding them up to Raidou’s face, she watches him eye them.

“They look good,” he says, “and they smell like strawberries, which is a good sign.” Yuugao tucks them into her basket as he checks the list he made. Recently, he’s been thinking about how…easy all of this has been. Breaking up with Yuugao was a mistake, and he spent two months in misery because of his reaction to Asuma’s death. Yes, he had been frustrated, and a discussion of some kind was a long time coming, but he shouldn’t have turned up at her window and reduced what should have been a conversation about grief and loss to an either/or decision that forced them both into a corner. It had been incredibly immature of him.

He stares off into space, as Yuugao waves her hand in front of his eyes. He blinks, before looking at her. “Where were you?” she asks.

“I’m just thinking about us,” he says, “how neatly it all worked out.” Yuugao tilts her head, pressing her lips together for a second.

“How it all worked out?”

“Yeah,” he says, “I thought that it would be harder, making this work.”

“We have the same goal, Raidou,” Yuugao says quietly. “I don’t think we talked about it, because I was afraid to, because, well…” Hayate’s name dances at the tip of her tongue, but she isn’t sure if she wants to invoke him. It’s not just because she’s mourning him, although that is part of it; it’s because she has now admitted to herself that she wants the same things she wanted with Hayate, with Raidou now.

“I could have spoken about it too,” Raidou says, covering for her. “I could have been clear and direct instead of letting it fester.” Asking her on dates was a very passive way of initiating the conversation he actually wanted to have.

“Well, we’re here now,” she says, “it all worked out.”

“That sounds so lame, you know?” Raidou says.

“Well, adulthood is accepting how lame you are,” Yuugao says, looking around.

“I always thought you were kind of a loser,” Raidou says, smirking. Yuugao says nothing, choosing to make a face and smack his upper arm while he laughs to himself. As he holds up his list, Yuugao returns to people-watching. She’s surprised at how familiar she is with Raidou’s neighbors, in the sense that when she sees them, she will smile and nod at them, like the young couple who lives down the hall from him or the old man who lives across the street. It’s very domestic, something she never predicted for herself but something she wants more of.

There’s one little face that she looks for among all of the others. While Raidou scrutinizes his list, Yuugao spots the chubby face and pigtails she was looking for. Haru is sitting in a grocery cart, staring at Yuugao while her mother looks at lettuce. Smiling softly, Yuugao waves, making Haru smile and respond in kind.

Raidou looks up at her, looking between her and the baby, now toddler, they first met back when things were new. Enough time has passed that a baby could grow into a whole little person; it puts their relationship in perspective. While it feels like it hasn’t been long at all, it has definitely been a while.

“You’re a sucker for babies,” he says offhandedly. Yuugao turns pink, like this is new information or she should be embarrassed.

“Well,” she says, “I won’t deny it.” Raidou smiles, looking away.

“I like babies,” he says, “they make funny faces.” Yuugao smiles at him.

“Really?”

“Really,” he says, “it’s the same reason I hang out with Anko. She makes the dumbest faces.” Yuugao laughs, which is how he knows that he has won.

**

Raidou frowns as he collapses the now empty cereal box, stacking it with another collapsed box and a stack of newspapers. He likes running a household, and he does everything to the letter, but recycling bores him and if he weren’t compelled to do it, he would definitely consider just throwing everything into the trash.

But his father didn’t raise him that way, and not for the first time, Raidou thinks about his insistence on proper recycling, even before they had to do it. Yuugao is watching him, sitting on the counter as he collapses and sorts everything into clear plastic bags.

“You are very thorough with your recycling,” Yuugao says. He even cleans out used cans and plastic containers with soap to get rid of all traces of food or dirt.

“My father hated mess and believed in recycling,” Raidou says offhandedly. He never talks about his family; it’s not so much from grief, as it is about avoidance, which is a habit born of grief but not grief itself. At the mention of his family, she perks up.

“My dad always said your dad and brother were excellent swordsmen,” Yuugao says, “said the Namiashi know what they’re doing.” Hayate always spoke of Raidou with respect, too. He shrugs in response.

“You can’t fuck around when big knives are involved,” he says. It still hurts to perform some of the techniques, especially the ones his brother invented. Yuugao takes the hint.

“He taught you how to recycle?” Yuugao asks, “garbage is very much my mother’s thing.” Raidou lip twitches as he avoids looking at Yuugao.

“Yes. He really hated—”

“Mess,” Yuugao finishes for him. Raidou picks at the corner of a box, fiddling with it until it softens.

“Yeah,” he says, “who’d have thought that his surviving kid would be so messy?”

“Messy?” Yuugao asks, “look at this place!” She opens her arms, gesturing around his apartment. “How are you messy?” Raidou finally looks at her, shaking his head.

“Not just like that,” he says, “my dad was very…emotionally honest, you know? He was always telling me to be clear and direct in my relationships, wanting me to be a good guy. And look, I love you a lot, but we were pretty messy for the first year, and Kurenai and I were messy too. I think she told me to go hell almost as many times as she told me that she loved me.” Raidou turns back to the recycling, picking up the stack of boxes and newspaper and throwing them in a bag.

“Why would she ever say that to you?” Yuugao asks. As far as she is concerned, he is pretty much perfect.

Raidou doesn’t say anything for a minute, thinking. He knows what his dad would say, and it isn’t the snappy _because that’s just life sometimes, Yuugao_. “Looking back now, while I was the right guy at the time, I wasn’t the guy she needed me to be, or the one she really wanted, but neither of us knew it at the time.” They’d been blinded by lust and then love, and he reminds himself of that whenever he looks back on the intensity of their relationship.

“You don’t ever know anything when you need to, not at the time,” Yuugao says. Raidou nods, tying a knot in the plastic bag instead of replying that, like a lot of things, the truth is only obvious in hindsight.

**

One night, Yuugao lies on her side, unable to sleep. Raidou is reading a report in bed, even though she tells him not to bring work into the bedroom, which is ironic, considering his whole thing about sleep hygiene. Yuugao is wearing another one of his ugly, hole-y shirts; it’s bunched at her waist, revealing her smooth abdomen. They are past the point where she pretends to be modest by wearing underwear to bed. Raidou sits up, and Yuugao looks at all the old scars on his arms and torso. Her scars always have a purplish undertone, but his have a sweet, baby pink tone.

“I should stop looking at this and go to sleep,” Raidou sighs.

“I’ll hold you,” she offers, sitting up. Raidou snorts, placing the report on the beside table.

“You’re very clingy, sometimes,” he says, “I like it, but I don’t think I need to held tonight.” When he lies back down, he rolls onto his side, so he can look at her. Yuugao mirrors him, eyeing Daydream Hayate, who stands at the door.

Raidou catches her looking over his shoulder, and he rolls over to check it out. He sees nothing there, and he frowns. “You’re always looking over my shoulder,” he says, turning back to face her. “Why?” Yuugao bites her lower lip. She has been meaning to be honest with him, and now is as good a time as any, but it’s still hard. On the other hand, if it wasn’t difficult, it wouldn’t be worth doing.

“Sometimes, I see Hayate,” she says quietly, “like, it’s as if he is standing right there sometimes.”

“Oh,” Raidou says quietly.

“Yeah,” she sighs, “it’s why I’m so…conflicted, sometimes.” Yuugao puts her hand on one of his arms, as if he is the one in need of comfort. She squeezes, feeling the muscle and fat under her palm. She only realizes how cold she is, because he runs so hot.

“Conflicted,” Raidou repeats softly. Yuugao nods.

“Like, it’s one thing for him to be dead but it’s completely different to see him walking around, like he’ alive,” she says, “and he can’t talk to me. He tries, you know. But no sounds ever come out.” Yuugao stares at Raidou’s chin, unable to look into his eyes. “You must think I’m crazy.”

He puts his hand over hers, the one that rests on his arm, and says nothing for a minute. “I don’t think you’re crazy,” he murmurs. “It would be crazy if it didn’t affect you.”

“You think?” she asks quietly.

“Yeah,” he says, “weren’t you going to be with him forever?” Raidou won’t say that he’s happy that Hayate is dead, because that is not the case, but he is happy to be with Yuugao, and those two impulses go together.

“I was,” she says, “we were going to be very happy.”

“I know,” Raidou says quietly, “I’m sorry it didn’t work out that way.” But not enough for him to stay away, or to not be, at least, a little happy that she’s with him.

“Thank you.”

“Yuugao,” he says, shuffling closer to her, “you don’t have to keep it to yourself, if you don’t want to.”

“I know,” she says, “but it’s so hard, when everyone expects me to fall apart, and people want me to be happy but in a very certain way—it’s like my grief is for other people, and my actual feelings are what I have to deal with,” she says. “I’m sorry, that’s not very articulate.”

“It’s okay, I get what you mean,” he says, “but I don’t think people expect you to fall apart. I think people just want you to know that they are here for you, if you need someone to talk to.” He pauses, touching his tongue to the roof of his mouth. “Seeing Hayate isn’t weird. You’re coping. Want to know a secret about me?” he asks. Yuugao nods, like an enthusiastic child. Raidou smiles at the sweet expression on her face, wiping the crescent of her undereye with his thumb. “Whenever I see violets, I’d like to think that they’re a message from my mom. That she’s okay and thinking of me, wherever she is.” Yuugao’s eyes widen.

“I didn’t know…” she says. Raidou looks at her tenderly, his voice soft.

“How would you?” he asks, “I don’t like talking about it. You’re not the only one who has lost someone you can’t talk about.” Raidou pulls his hand back, looking at her. Yuugao swallows, squeezing his arm.

“We can talk about your mom, when you’re ready,” she says. Raidou nods.

“I’ll hold you to it,” he replies, before standing up and pulling the covers back, so they can get into bed.

**

Sprawled on her couch, Yuugao looks up at the ceiling, bored. She slipped and hit her head on a mission, and she has a mild concussion. She doesn’t have to stay at the hospital, but she had to call someone to look after her, and well, Raidou was the first person to come to mind, even before her mom. His forehead had been tensed and creased when he came to get her, not relaxing until she told him to stop looking like she was in a coma or something. _Did Shizune make it sound bad?_ Raidou frowned at the question, working his jaw from side to side as he considered how he would like to answer it. _I don’t think there is any way to get a call from the hospital and not be worried_.

She can hear the soft, steady trickle of water as he waters her plants. The first thing he noticed when they got back to her apartment was that _they look like_ _they need a good drink_. Yuugao had raised her eyebrow at the expression and Raidou told her that his mom used to say things like that, so, really, the phrase is charming rather than weird. Yuugao rolls onto her side, craning her neck so she can look at him.

“Can we watch a movie?” she asks, making her eyes big. Raidou doesn’t even turn to look at her.

“Absolutely not,” he replies, “we both know that will make it worse.”

“But I want to do something together,” she says, “like a game.”

“You should get some sleep,” he says, looking at her. “Do you want to make your concussion worse?”

“I want to feel occupied.” No one in Anbu handles boredom well. People develop coping mechanisms, but not even Yamato can find that meditative place when there is nothing to do. One could say that Anbu encourages neurosis.

“Yuugao,” Raidou says, setting the watering can on the floor, “you hit your head. How do you have so many things to say?”

“I resent that,” she replies, smiling to let him know that it isn’t the case, not even a little itty bit. He eyes the watering can, before walking over to the couch, kneeling beside her.

“What can I say to get you to fall asleep,” he says quietly. Yuugao puts her hand on his face, dragging her thumb down the bridge of his nose. He has very nice skin—no pimples or acne scars. Yuugao can’t picture him ever having an awkward phase, even though he has repeatedly reassured her that he definitely did.

She opens her mouth to tell him that she wants to rest her head on his lap, but there is a knock at her door. Raidou looks up at the door, standing up.

“Are you expecting someone?” he asks.

“No,” she replies, sitting up as he walks to the door.

He unlocks the door and opens it, blinking when he sees an older woman standing there. It’s Yuugao’s mother. Her hair is short and dark, and she has Yuugao’s big, expressive eyes. She looks worried, and then surprised to see him standing there. They stare at each other for a minute, saying nothing, as Yuugao squirms on the couch, trying to peek over his shoulder without getting up.

“Hi,” Raidou finally says, “how can I help you?” Uzuki Shizuka looks at him like he must be stupid, which, considering the past few months, he probably is.

“Is my daughter here?” she asks. Raidou steps aside and looks at Yuugao with a helpless expression. Shizuka walks into the apartment, kicking her shoes off the way Yuugao does when she’s in a hurry, more or less ignoring Raidou. “I got a call from your former captain.”

“Mom,” Yuugao sighs, “I’m okay. It’s a mild concussion.” Her mother sits on the end of the couch, after moving her legs out of the way.

“I swear, you are going to work yourself to death,” Shizuka says, “I never liked you being in Anbu.”

“It could have happened on any mission,” Yuugao sighs, “you know that.” Her mother says nothing, leaning forward and clearing Yuugao’s hair out of her face, straightening her bangs. If she has any immediate thoughts about finding Raidou here, she doesn’t voice them.

“Should I stay here?”

“No,” Yuugao says, “I’ve got it covered.” Yuugao tilts her head towards Raidou, who has been standing there, like an idiot, hands at his sides.

He has worked with Shizuka before—she covered for his sensei once. It had been a tracking mission, which, at the time, he, Kurenai and Asuma all sucked at. His sensei remarked that Shizuka told him that she had expected more, considering who their parents were. He was a hardass, but even he seemed a little offended on their behalf. Raidou would like to think he’s gotten better, but she will always be the person who once made him feel small, even though her critiques had been well-founded. He can’t imagine that she is pleased by this development.

Shizuka looks at him, narrowing her eyes as if to place him. “You were one of Hideki’s students, weren’t you?” Raidou nods.

“Yeah,” he says, trying not to sound defensive.

“He liked your team,” Shizuka says, “I’m sure you miss him.” Raidou’s lip twitches. Hideki rarely expressed affection or approval, and while Raidou knows he cared, it’s news to him that Hideki liked the team. More often than not, he’d grumble about their performance.

“Is that so?” Raidou asks. Yuugao feels like she’s missing something important, and she makes a note to ask him about it later.

“His exact words were ‘you’re going to regret telling me they suck when they become some of the most respected shinobi in the village,” Shizuka says. Her mouth curves up into a smile, “I don’t regret it, but Hideki was right.” She turns to Yuugao who is trying to put the pieces together. “Remember that chuunin team that who fumbled the tracking mission so badly that the client actually told the Third that he wouldn’t pay for our services?” Yuugao nods, everything clicking into place when she looks at the sheepish expression on Raidou’s face. “Yuuhi Kurenai, Sarutobi Asuma and Namiashi Raidou were the team.”

“You—”

“Let’s not talk about it,” Raidou says. Shizuka smiles at him, before turning to Yuugao.

“He’s cuter than I remember,” she says. Raidou feels his mouth go dry as Yuugao’s face turns pink.

“Uh-huh,” she says, “pretty cute.”

“So, were you ever going to introduce us?” Shizuka asks, evidently taking pleasure in the way Yuugao’s eyes go wide.

“Mom,” she groans, “do you have to do this now?”

“I don’t know,” Shizuka says, turning to Raidou. “How long have you been sleeping with my daughter?” Raidou makes a choking noise, looking over at Yuugao, who looks like there is something stuck in her throat. “I guess you’re long overdue, huh?” Shizuka smirks, turning back to Yuugao, “we’ll come up with a day when you’re feeling better.”

Yuugao just nods, while Raidou is trying to figure out how he is going to recover from this one.

**

For once, neither Raidou nor Yuugao are in uniform. He’s wearing a navy yukata, and he even took off the headplate. He’s wearing a silver chain Yuugao used to wear as a teenager. He was playing with it and she told him to just wear it, it will go with his silver rings. Yuugao is wearing a dusty pink dress, a short sheath. They are both struck by how normal the other looks in civilian clothes.

Raidou squeezes Yuugao’s hand, turning to look at her before he knocks on the door. “Ready?” he asks. She smiles up at him, holding up a yellow gift bag with white tissue paper.

“Born ready,” she replies. Raidou smiles, turning back to the door.

“Okay,” he says, raising his fist and knocking on the door. Kurenai opens the door, her hair up and out of her face, wearing a red dress. Her bump is prominent now, and her face is rounder and softer.

“You two are the last ones to get here,” she says in a teasing voice. Yuugao smiles while Raidou rolls his eyes.

“Sorry,” he says, not sounding apologetic at all. Kurenai steps aside to let them inside, where Aoba and Guy are talking in the corner of Kurenai’s living room, while Yamato and Kakashi are standing by a window. Anko and Ibiki are sitting on the couch, debating something with Shizune, while Genma comes up behind Kurenai, arms crossed. Everyone is dressed nicely for Kurenai’s baby shower. It’s a small slice of normalcy in a fuck show year.

There is a cake on the counter, and presents are stacked by a shelf. There are yellow balloons everywhere, and pale pink streamers. Yuugao looks around the apartment, spying a stack of unfolded boxes and big Tupperware containers. Raidou says that the guys are going to help Kurenai move back into her parents’ house in a week, which had been rebuilt with the rest of Konoha.

“This place looks so beautiful,” Yuugao says, slipping off her flats while Raidou unstraps his sandals.

“Thanks,” Kurenai says, “Genma and Guy did most of it, actually,” There are camelias, peonies and baby’s breath in several vases. Expensive, but as Raidou explained, Kurenai’s baby is sort of their collective responsibility, so no expense was spared.

“I just did what Guy told me to do,” Genma says, “oh, and I nixed a green and orange theme.”

“Thank you,” Kurenai mouths quietly. Genma smiles lazily, shrugging.

“You’re welcome.” He eyes Yuugao, his smile growing. “So, are you like, his date?” Yuugao looks at Raidou, who frowns at Genma. “Because he and I usually go to these things together.”

“She’s hotter than you,” Raidou shoots back. Genma grins openly, nudging Kurenai.

“Did you hear that, Kurenai?” Genma asks, “turns out Raidou really does care about looks.” Kurenai rolls her eyes.

“Let that man know peace,” she says, before grinning evilly, “besides, he spent how long crying over her?”

“Two months,” Genma smirks. Raidou narrows his eyes but says nothing. “C’mon, Raidou, it’s kind of funny to see how it all worked out.” Yuugao places her hand on the small of Raidou’s back, pressing her palm to his spine. He looks down at her, smiling.

“Your friends are such jerks,” she says, “I’ve never made fun of you for crying, not once.” Raidou’s jaw drops, while Kurenai giggles and Genma coughs into his elbow.

“Ouch,” Raidou says, “I’m going to go see if Aoba and Anko will adopt me. While I’m at it, maybe I’ll date Kakashi instead.”

“You know what he looks like without the mask?” Yuugao asks. Raidou grins.

“We all do,” he replies, “well, except you.” Guy’s dare to see who could hold bong water in their mouth the longest pretty much forced Kakashi to rip his mask off of his face, and even then, he was also too lazy to use a genjutsu when they were getting stoned.

“And he’s cute?” Yuugao asks.

“Pretty, actually,” Raidou says, “very, very pretty.”

“I don’t believe you,” she says, looking at Kurenai and Genma, who nod.

“He’s pretty cute,” Genma says, “you’re missing out. You wouldn’t have gone for this uggo if you had seen Kakashi’s face.”

“Raidou isn’t ugly,” Kurenai says, “I think he’s very handsome, right Yuugao?” She turns pink, which makes Kurenai smile knowingly, while Genma eyes Raidou, who says nothing before pressing his mouth to the side of Yuugao’s head.

“Do you want something to drink?” he asks. Yuugao looks up and nods.

“Please,” she says. Raidou does a thumbs up and heads over to the kitchen, while Genma holds his hand out.

“I’ll take the gift over to the pile over there,” he says, “I’ll distract Raidou so Kurenai can read the Riot Act,” Genma winks as Yuugao passes him the gift bag, and he walks away to place it among the other gifts.

Yuugao turns to look at Kurenai, who is eyeing her with interest. Not malice, but not necessarily kindness. It’s what she sort of deserves, after everything that happened between her and Raidou.

“So, you two are official and exclusive?” Kurenai asks.

“Yes,” Yuugao replies, “he even met my mom.” By accident, but she doesn’t need to mention that part. Kurenai nods, pressing her lips together. Someone once called Kurenai the Prettiest Girl of All Time, and Yuugao finds herself agreeing with the statement. There’s just something intangible to her that makes you want to look deep into her eyes and tell her all of your secrets. Yuugao doesn’t even know if she likes Kurenai, and she feels this way. She can’t imagine what it would be like to be in love with her.

“Good,” Kurenai finally says, “he is a good guy and deserves the best.” Yuugao feels like Kurenai wants to say more, and she looks over to the kitchen, where Genma really is distracting Raidou. It makes her feel a little nervous, but she doesn’t let it show.

“I know,” Yuugao says softly, squirming, “he’s too good for me.” Kurenai softens her stance, reaching to touch Yuugao’s arm.

“That’s not what I meant,” Kurenai says, “what I meant is that there are some things that, if I could go back, I’d do differently, because guys like Raidou, like…well, a guy like him only ever comes around once in a lifetime, you know?” It’s obvious to Yuugao that this isn’t so much about Raidou, as it is some retrospective guilt over Asuma. It would be tasteless to ask Kurenai what she is speaking about, exactly, but Yuugao can at least offer her some of her own insight.

“One of the hardest things to accept about losing Hayate was that it had nothing to do with me, or anything I did. Someone else, or the universe, willed it, and I got no say,” Yuugao says, “and I forgot that I have a choice too. I have agency in the good things, I guess, is what I want to say, and the joy to be found there makes it all the bad bearable.” She pauses, biting her lip as Kurenai studies her closely. “But Raidou makes life more than bearable. He makes me happy, and I was such a jerk to him, I don’t know why he likes me at all.” Yuugao tucks her hair behind her ears, feeling her face grow hot. Kurenai smiles gently, taking Yuugao’s hand in her own.

“That’s easy,” Kurenai says, “you do the same for him.”

It’s like Yuugao’s heart stops and restarts, as she gawks at Kurenai, who leads her back over to Raidou and Genma, and declares that Yuugao passed the test, which made Raidou look at Yuugao with concern while Genma grinned, because, apparently, he knew she could do it.

**

There is a line that forms on Yuugao’s forehead when she’s worried. Never when she’s sad or angry or scared or in pain. Only when anxious, which is funny, because it’s probably the only emotion that isn’t beaten out of Anbu operatives. Anxiety has a place in Anbu—it keeps you on your toes, prevents you from settling or relaxing.

Raidou doesn’t have a concussion, fractured skull or brain bleed. He does have a nasty cut on the top of his head. Run of the mill mission-went-sideways kind of thing. He doesn’t want to get into it. It was bad enough when Genma laughed at him for being a klutz and Aoba ended up being the one to clean him up before they could see Shizune. _You’re lucky your skull is so goddamn thick_. Everyone always tells him that he’s stubborn and willful, but Raidou prefers exacting or precise—he isn’t very smart, but he is sensible. He waited at the hospital for five hours to see Shizune, during which he had to call Yuugao and tell her that he would be late. She sounded distant on the phone, and he could tell that he was going to come home to something.

He leans against the wall of his bedroom, arms crossed, while she sits on the bed, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. Her legs are crossed, and he can see her sheer panties.

“Well, this is…” he frowns, “awkward.”

“I put on sexy underwear,” Yuugao says. She’d planned on a fun homecoming. Real nasty. Panties-shoved-to-the-side-don’t-stop-please. Preferably by the doorway. It was going to be a lot of fun. Then Raidou went and nearly cracked his big, dumb skull open.

“Yeah,” he says, “I can see that.” When he came home, she was sitting on his couch, in her underwear and nothing else, arms crossed, with a big wrinkle on her forehead. He could see it because her bangs were askew. She said nothing, before getting up and walking into his room, and putting on one of his old, ugly t-shirts. This one has a naked pin-up on it, bought by one Yamashiro Aoba, who claimed that it combined two of Raidou’s favorite things: breathable fabric and naked women. Kurenai wore it regularly—Aoba gave him the shirt back when Raidou and Kurenai were in love, which means he has had it for at least eight years, but he thinks it has been eleven (twenty-four, the same age as Yuugao when they started seeing each other). Genma had to wear it, once, after Anko poured an entire keg of beer onto him at Raidou’s housewarming party. But Yuugao has, by far, gotten the most mileage out of it.

If Yuugao weren’t mad at him, Raidou would laugh at the irony of her wearing sexy underwear and a shirt with a naked lady on it.

“I don’t like it when you call from the hospital.” It beats being dead, but that is a bare life argument.

“Well, believe it or not, I hate being there,” he replies, walking over to the bed.

“You don’t look injured,” she says, watching him come over to her. He bows his head, so she can see the stitches Shizune put there. Her fingers part his hair, and he sighs as she leans closer. “What happened?”

“Normal stuff,” he says, “it was nothing.” He listened to Genma and Aoba tell dirty jokes all the way back, just to keep him awake. _How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach? It’s not hard! Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning!_ Probably the worst, tied with a joke about a woman who goes to the dentist to have her husband’s teeth extracted from her vagina: _why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife has passed away!_ Needless to say, Raidou would rather pretend that today didn’t happen. He doesn’t like upsetting Yuugao, but he could have died happily not knowing about Dr. Pepper’s late wife.

“It’s not normal to come home with a head injury,” she hums. Raidou sits back and gets off of the bed.

“We aren’t normal,” he says, “not like civilians.” Raidou turns around so he doesn’t have to look at her. He takes off his flak jacket, his shirt and mesh undershirt. He hasn’t showered in three days, so he smells sweaty. There are imprints from where the mesh dug into his skin. It hurts a little, taking it off. He throws it in his hamper, while Yuugao watches him.

“That’s why I didn’t want to date within the forces.” The ‘again’ is left unsaid.

“I know,” he says softly. She wouldn’t be here if she weren’t in love with him, and somehow, that makes him feel even worse. It’s like she has to be here, as if he has trapped her. Raidou takes his pants and underwear off, kicking them towards the hamper, too lazy to throw them but also longing to kick something. He looks at Yuugao, who is watching him, her head tilted.

“I don’t regret choosing you.” Her eyes follow him as he walks towards the door. “Where are you going?”

“To shower,” he says. Probably rub one out.

“No,” Yuugao says, “we’re going to have sex first.” Raidou turns around, and blinks.

“We’re going to have sex?” he asks, “aren’t you mad at me?” Yuugao takes that ugly shirt off as he walks towards her.

“Only if you want to,” she hums. “You want to, don’t you?” Raidou is over her within seconds.

“I haven’t showered.”

“I like how you smell when you stink.”

“Yuugao,” he sighs, “that’s just…”

“Nasty?” she asks, smiling as she kisses him. She could be mad at him, resent him for being who she has always known him to be, allow the past to trigger her into paralysis. Or she could be mindful. Yes, Hayate is dead, but Raidou is alive. Yes, Raidou has a dangerous job, but so does she. Yes, it’s very upsetting to know that the man she loves is hurt, but if there is anything life has taught her, is that it will never explain anything that happens, and she should be happy that things weren’t worse. Raidou is her future; of this, she is certain.

Raidou kisses her deep, and as they lie back down, he moves to get rid of her underwear. She lifts her hips and watches him toss them onto the ground. He moves back over her, kissing the side of her neck while she strokes his dick. His breathing hitches, and she puts a hand to the side of his neck. It makes his neck tingle. He presses his mouth to the space inside of her collarbone, while Yuugao hums. She let go of his erection, and she twitches, knowing it’s there.

“Let’s do it,” she says, opening her hips. Raidou nods, and rises above her, lining his hips up with hers. He glides in and is pleasantly surprised by how ready her body is for him. Raidou starts slow, and normally, Yuugao would like him to go faster, but for now, she’s content to just gaze up at him in simple adoration, even though his pace is agonizing.

He doesn’t know why he isn’t going as fast or hard as he usually would. Yuugao likes to, and this is an Asuma term (may he rest in peace) ‘get railed’ but it doesn’t feel very appropriate on this occasion. No, Raidou thinks that they’ve both had a stressful day, and he can tell by the fancy underwear that they were supposed to have a fun reunion, which he went and unintentionally ruined, so he is going to make it up to her. She moves her hips with him, arching her back when he moves through her. Like they are one being, with four arms and four legs and two heads that cannot look away from each other.

Yuugao wraps her legs around his waist, her hands at his sides. He is being very soft with her, and while they’ve done pretty much everything there is, he has never felt closer. His eyes are looking right into hers, and she feels heavy, like he’s sinking into her, but also, very light, like she is floating. She puts a hand to his cheek, her thumb right by the bridge of his nose, palm to his cheek. His mouth is open, and his lips are flushed. Yuugao presses her mouth to his, and gently sucks on his lower lip. She pulls away and kisses his chin.

“You’re nasty,” he hums. She’s also the softest person he has ever met. She looks up at him, and he feels complete.

It’s soft and slick and perfect; Yuugao has never been more content. They aren’t racing towards the end for once; they are just lying back and enjoying each other. Yuugao feels melty, like her insides are sticky. If she were cut open, there would be no organs, just goo. She smiles at Raidou’s comment.

“You’re so romantic,” she sighs.

“How so?” he asks.

“Because you come here and do me like…” she hums, looking or the words. She is momentarily distracted as he changes the angle, and she moans. Raidou presses his forehead to hers, his nose pressed to her cheek. He begins to move a little faster, a little harder now. Yuugao’s mouth is open, but no noises come out.

The end comes slowly. They both feel it, trying to resist it until it’s impossible. For a second, it truly felt like they were going to fuck like that forever, slow and gentle until the universe collapses or the stars explode. Raidou looks into her eyes the entire time, and while they do it a lot this time feels special. Maybe it’s the floaty feeling in her chest or the way their hips move together, but she feels big and impossible and new, all at once, and when she looks into his eyes, she sees that he feels the same way.

 _Boom_. It’s over, done, finished, but it also feels unfinished, or, like it’s not actually finished, but it will be. Raidou rolls over, lying on his back, and they both stare up at the ceiling. He can’t really place it, but he feels like, maybe, they just made something bigger than themselves. They lie there, and for a second, they forget about the looming war, all the death and destruction. It’s like they are both very happy to be alive at this exact time and place, because they get to be with each other. The universe works in mysterious ways and laughs when asked for a line of reasoning, but Raidou feels a purpose in his relationship with Yuugao that he hasn’t felt in his previous relationships.

Yuugao looks at him, studying his profile. “I want to take care of you,” she says. Raidou looks at her.

“What does that mean?” he asks.

“I want to keep you safe,” she says, sitting up and moving to sit on his stomach. “I want to protect you, and watch you fix things, and have your babies.” Raidou smiles.

“Babies?”

“And they have to look just like you,” she says, “an army of little Raidous.”

“Fuck,” he rubs his face, “the last thing the world needs.”

“No, it’s definitely the first thing.” She grins, watching him blink up at her.

“What about peace? I think the world needs that more.” He sits up on his elbows. Yuugao shakes her head.

“No, the world needs babies more,” she says, “they’re the future and all. Who wants peace if there is no one to enjoy it?”

“ _I_ would get to enjoy it,” Raidou replies.

“But what about our babies?” Yuugao says.

“You didn’t even want to date me for a year, and now you want me to impregnate you?” Raidou laughs, because if someone told him during that time that Yuugao would one day be talking about bearing his children, he wouldn’t have believed them. Yuugao presses herself to his stomach.

“I’m serious,” she says, “I feel a lot of big things for you. That’s why I was so angry earlier.” She looks uncertain, so Raidou presses his palms to her thighs.

“I know,” he says softly.

“I don’t want anything to happen to you.” If the universe did its worse to her twice, Yuugao knows she would never fall in love again.

“I don’t want anything to happen to you either.” But that doesn’t mean that it won’t happen.

But that doesn’t mean that life will screw them over either.

**

War looms over them, and it has ever since Asuma died. But it isn’t personal for Yuugao until Yamato is abducted. Aoba is the one who came and told her, and she knows she reacted badly when she hurled her mask at the closest wall and Aoba flinched and asked if he should get Raidou. Yuugao was sent on a tracking mission, but it was unsuccessful. There’s been no body, no ransom, no sightings. He has disappeared completely. Kabuto has taken him to a place that not even Anbu can reach.

Yuugao hasn’t been sleeping well since she got the news. Raidou now sleeps with his arm over her waist, a gesture of comfort, but it doesn’t make her feel any better.

She’s decided to live as if Yamato were away on an extended vacation. His landlord has agreed to waive his rent until he returns, and Yuugao has taken it upon herself to check his apartment. Today, Raidou accompanies her, watching Roomba do its thing as she checks on the plants.

“Does Yamato like his Roomba?” Raidou asks, watching the machine move around.

“He does,” Yuugao replies, “he calls it his son.” They are both careful to speak in the present tense, as no one knows what happened to him. She doesn’t feel as if he’s dead, and, if Daydream Hayate is a ghost (something that, in this case, she is really hoping for) she is sure Yamato would come find her and tell her what happened. He wouldn’t leave her twisting.

They are silent for a moment, as she stands up and places the watering can back in its designated spot. Everyone in Yamato’s apartment is orderly—if it weren’t for Yuugao’s homey touches and Kakashi letting his dogs run around, it would look just like Raidou’s.

“You know, he’s a capable shinobi,” Raidou says. Yuugao pauses for a second, not saying anything. She continues to say nothing as she walks to the sink to wash her hands.

“So were Asuma and Hayate,” she says quietly. Raidou’s mouth twitches, because he has a very good reason for believing that Yamato is still alive, and that’s because abduction is different from murder.

“He was captured alive,” he says, “they must have a plan for him.” Asuma and Hayate’s murders were without any premeditation—Raidou is convinced that the universe shrugged and said, ‘fuck it.’ Yuugao turns off the sink and shakes her hands exactly three times, before reaching for the tea towel that Yamato leaves by the sink.

“Maybe,” she hums, worried. Yuugao doesn’t care so much about the ‘why’ so much as the ‘where.’ To be clear, she doesn’t think he’s dead, but he is most definitely in mortal danger.

“We’re going to find him,” Raidou says. Yuugao nods and says nothing, because she knows that there is nothing else to say.

**

Hayate’s death made Yuugao a nihilist until she realized that’s not what he would want (but that doesn’t mean she wants to be who he would want anymore, and that’s okay too). It’s still, at times, a bitter pill to swallow, but she’s not the same person she was four years ago. Something inside of her has changed for the better, and she knows that it is because she has officially abandoned her promise of revenge.

She does feel bad about giving up, but seeking revenge also seems pointless, because everyone has someone who loves them, and she’d just be doing to someone else what someone did to her. Even now, she doesn’t want to avenge Yamato. She just wants to find him and hold him tight. Yuugao has been looking, when she can. But the trail is cold and as Kakashi said, he’ll probably turn up in the war. That doesn’t make it easier, though. Honestly, at this point, Kabuto could walk free for all she cares, as long as she gets Yamato back.

Sitting on the couch, with Raidou’s head on her lap, she muses over this point. She is playing with his hair while his eyes are closed.

“I want to do this forever,” he sighs. Yuugao smiles, trying to be ‘mindful and in the moment,’ like her therapist tells her. She’s always going to worry for Yamato until she finds him, but she’s no use to him tired and miserable. He needs her to stay sharp.

“You aren’t doing anything,” she says. Raidou grins, which is funny with his eyes closed.

“I never get any rest, Yuugao.” He sighs, as she touches a sensitive spot, sending a tingle up the side of his neck. “I just want to lie down and do nothing.”

“Okay,” she says, “we can do nothing.”

She runs her hand through his hair, dragging her nails across his scalp. Raidou sighs happily, like he’s a cat. “I love you,” he hums. It’s not the first time he’s said it, but it’s the first time it hasn’t been loaded. They’ve passed into saying it casually, punctuating passing encounters and farewells with it.

“I really, really, really like-like you,” Yuugao hums. Raidou opens his eyes and frowns, rolling onto his side, his back to her. Yuugao smiles and leans down, pressing her lips to his ear. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” she says, not in a loud voice but loud enough that Raidou can’t just doze off anymore.

“You’re so loud sometimes,” he sighs, “I thought I’d get some peace and quiet from an Anbu operative.”

“You thought wrong,” she kisses his ear, before sitting back up. “Want to watch a movie?”

“Does that mean I have to lift my head up?” he asks.

“Well, yeah, in the short term,” she replies. Raidou groans loudly, but sits up anyway, giving her a grouchy look as she rubs the crown of his head, before she stands up to turn on the television.

**

In the days leading up to the war, Daydream Hayate grew increasingly agitated. Yuugao was dealing with fatigue, which she chalked up to stress, and while she never threw up, there were more than a few times where she would gag over a toilet bowl, nothing coming up. Daydream Hayate would look at her, upset, arms crossed, tapping his foot. He still couldn’t talk, and Yuugao was so annoyed she didn’t even want to try speaking to him. Raidou asked her if she was coming down with something, but she shook her head. Whenever she gets the flu, she always has a drippy nose. That means this is probably just nerves over the upcoming war. Raidou made a concerned grunt in the back of his throat and made her take vitamin C supplements and drink lots of fluids anyway. It didn’t make it better, but she went along so that she wouldn’t have both him and Daydream Hayate on her back.

Raidou is deployed first, telling her that he’ll see her later. On her own deployment, Daydream Hayate followed her closely, pointing at his own stomach whenever she paid him any attention. She frowned and ignored him, not knowing what else to do and not wanting to be distracted from the task at hand. She’s already tired and nauseas and nervous—she doesn’t need him in her way.

And then, one morning, Daydream Hayate disappeared and the real one, well, the reanimated one appeared. It felt like a dream, until he came at her sword in hand, and she had to fend him off. It was even worse when she failed to end the job and had to give chase to the man she has been haunted by for years. She wants to ask him if he has, indeed, been with her all of this time. _Was it really you?_

But in the end, she doesn’t say anything she wanted to say. He protected her one last time and threw himself on her sword instead of forcing her to live with the guilt of killing him a second time. _Goodbye_. He smiled at her, like he knew something she didn’t, the same way he did before he gave her a gift on her birthday or found out a piece of gossip before her.

In a few days, it’s all over, and Yuugao permits herself to cry while she has a physical exam. No one has touched her in days, her parents and Raidou are off fighting, Yamato is missing, and she watched Hayate die. It’s all too much, and she starts blubbering while the doctor examines her stomach. The man is apologetic, and he says she can wait in here while the results of her blood screening come back.

It’s here, in this smelly tent, listening to the groans of the wounded and the background chatter of the medics that the doctor returns. He’s not from Konoha; maybe Kiri, given his shark-like teeth. He is smiling softly, like he doesn’t just have no news, but good news for her, something that Yuugao could really use. “Yuugao?”

“Yes?” she asks, wiping her face.

“Did you know that you’re pregnant?” he asks, “if not, congratulations.”

Her mouth hangs open, as he tells her that he would like to do a quick exam, just to see how far along she is and the health of the fetus, standard things that could otherwise wait had she not just fought in a war. As he tells her how jealous the other doctors are that he gets to look at a baby instead of the wounded, Yuugao realizes that Daydream Hayate had been trying to tell her, and the reason Hayate smiled like he did when he said goodbye. _He knew_. He wasn’t just protecting her—he was protecting her baby. Sacrificing himself just like Asuma had. Not for the first time, she thinks that she doesn’t deserve him.

When he’s done, the doctor smiles at her. “Everything looks good,” the doctor says, turning back to his clipboard. “You should go in for a follow up appointment when you’re back home, but your baby is where they should be at six weeks. Congratulations again,” he smiles, “this really made my day.” Yuugao smiles back as he steps out of the exam room. She quickly dresses herself again, and leaves the tent, walking around, numb. She can’t believe that she’s pregnant. It doesn’t feel real, like maybe, someone is playing a joke on her. She doesn’t believe that the universe could be this kind after the cruelty it has inflicted upon her and everyone around her.

Of course, this kindness came at the cost of Daydream Hayate. She’s under no illusions; their goodbye was final, and she will never see him again. But he got to see her become a mother, and she knows that he wants her to move on. It is very sad, but it is better than not getting to say goodbye at all.

It’s funny, because if this had happened a year ago, Yuugao would have panicked. She would have rushed to buy flowers and place them on the grave, apologizing to Hayate, over and over, palms and brow pressed to the cool rock of his headstone. She most certainly wouldn’t have told Raidou, and after the operation, she would have pushed him so far away that he’d never speak to her again. Now, she would never dream of getting rid of any piece of him, or not having their baby. Instead of pushing him away, she now wants to hold him close and never let him go. 

While she walks amongst the wreckage of the field, debating whether or not to try and find Aoba to send a crow to Raidou, Yuugao looks up, and to her amazement, against everything she had come to believe about life, another kindness is granted.

It’s Yamato, limping beside Kakashi, holding his side. He’s walking by himself, and he looks like he’s in pain, but he is alive. Yuugao feels rather than hears the sound in her throat, and she runs towards him as he and Kakashi turn to look at her. Yamato braces himself for impact, but Yuugao stops before him, her eyes full of wonder, as she steps forward slowly, gently wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

He smells bad, and he looks exhausted, but he’s alive and she gets to hold him. Yuugao rests her chin on his shoulder as he presses his face into her neck. “You’re okay,” she says quietly.

“Yeah,” he says lamely.

“I was so worried,” she says, “I was so scared.”

“I know,” he replies, “I was scared too.” Yamato doesn’t admit to fear easily, but Yuugao makes him feel safe, brave enough to admit that he isn’t as stoic as he pretends to be.

“I looked for you,” she says, “and I didn’t think you were dead, even though I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again.” Kakashi stands back, giving them space. Yamato doesn’t cry, but he does whimper. The ugly truth is that having lived through it before, he was fully aware that he was in a tank. He thought he was going to die there. “I love you so much, Yamato.” She presses her tummy to his, because she wants her baby to touch him too.

It’s then that the scale of what just happened hits him. Yamato breaks apart, and Yuugao holds him together.

**

Yuugao unlatches the fence and walks up to the familiar red door. She knocks once, twice, and thinks of the little life inside of her. When the door opens, an older woman with mousy brown hair stands there, smiling.

“Yuugao,” she says softly, an almost wistful expression on her face.

“Ayako,” Yuugao replies, “how have you been?”

“Surviving,” she says, pausing. “It’s nice to see you, after the war.”

“It’s good to see you too.” Yuugao puts her hands over her stomach, like she’s trying to keep her guts inside of her. “I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?” Ayako asks. She has the same peaceful lilt that Hayate used to have.

“It’s not good,” Yuugao says. Ayako gives her a funny look—it’s then that Yuugao remembers that there is nothing worse than surviving your child, and Hayate had been her only one. In this sense, it can’t get much worse.

“Tell me,” Ayako says, “whatever it is, I would hate not knowing.” Yuugao swallows and looks Ayako right in the eye.

“Hayate was reanimated, by the enemy.” Ayako’s face stays still, and Yuugao can’t blame her. If someone raised her baby from the grave, heads would roll (and they’d already be rolling if her baby were to die in the first place). “He resisted the enemy, and he said goodbye, and I thought you should know that.” Ayako doesn’t need to know that Hayate threw himself on Yuugao’s sword, or that he has been haunting her for nearly four years. She hasn’t seen him since he said goodbye, but it could just as easily be the case that he was just figment of her imagination, the product of a mind trying to avoid going insane from grief.

“Thank you,” Ayako finally says.

They stand before each other, feeling awkward. Yuugao feels bad, because this is the woman she was once going to make a grandmother, and now…that won’t ever happen. She loves her baby already and wouldn’t change a thing about them, which only adds to her guilt—that she isn’t sorry for having another man’s child.

Ayako always had a gift for seeing right through people—Hayate could never get one over on her, which is why he never bothered lying to his mother in the first place. Ayako gives her a funny look, placing her hand on the doorframe.

“He would want you to have a life, you know,” she says, “don’t feel guilty. It’s what he would want.” Yuugao says nothing, surprised that Ayako seems to, once again, just _know_.

“Thank you,” she replies. And with that, she feels free.

**

It’s been two weeks since she found out, and Yuugao still hasn’t said anything to Raidou. Part of it is because she doesn’t know how he will react; they’ve never actually discussed children seriously, aside from the time she told him that she wants to bear an army of his children, and she’s pretty sure that he still thinks that’s a joke. The other part is that they’ve literally both been through a war; neither were injured, but it is still a traumatic experience. They both wake up at the slightest, unfamiliar noise, and whenever they are together in public, Raidou always has an eye on her. Maybe he already knows, deep inside of his lizard brain. Like, he isn’t conscious of it but knows that they made a little baby. Yuugao presses a hand to her stomach and frowns. She feels ashamed to have put their baby in danger, even though she didn’t know it. _I’m sorry little baby_. She wonders if their baby will carry her trauma in their little bones.

She hasn’t been in to see a doctor yet. Yuugao doesn’t think that Shizune should find out before Raidou. Yuugao keeps looking for the right time, but it never seems to present itself. He’ll be telling her about his day or some dumb joke Genma made or some petty frustration, and she’ll zone out, watching his lips move on his face, and suddenly, five minutes will have elapsed and he’ll be looking at her funny and ask her where she went. She always shrugs and says nothing. If it bothers him, he doesn’t say anything.

She very much wants this baby, and she can only hope that Raidou feels the same way too. After everything that has happened between them, she just wants them to be okay. Yuugao doesn’t think this will upset him, but she can’t really predict how he’ll react. They never really had any serious conversations about their future, other than the fact they want to be together.

Yuugao doesn’t know why she agreed to this, but she is sitting beside Raidou, at the bar he and his friends always frequent. Genma sits on his other side, and Yamato is beside her, while Kakashi and Aoba are across from them. Yamato isn’t a bro, by any means of the word, but Raidou, Genma, Aoba and Kakashi, when together, might as well have three shared braincells. They use words like ‘gnarly,’ and ‘sick,’ and ‘whoa,’ and ‘puss’ and ‘plow’ unironically (they don’t use those last two words in front of her, but Anko rats Raidou out to her). Aoba actually used the term ‘bro,’ and Genma, Kakashi and Raidou all looked at him without thinking. Yuugao and Yamato made eye contact, and he nudged her with his leg.

No one has said anything about her not drinking, probably because the five of them forget that pregnant women aren’t supposed to drink. That, and Genma, Kakashi and Aoba are probably going to be like big, ugly, drunk ducklings and force her, Raidou and Yamato to walk them home.

“What are the chances of a meteor hitting Earth and killing all of us?” Genma asks, a little belligerent.

“Man, we won’t be that fucking lucky,” Aoba says, slapping his hand on the table.

“You never know…” Raidou trails off and shrugs.

“Why do you want the world to end? Yuugao is finally acknowledging you in public!” Genma cackles. Aoba grins evilly and turns to Yuugao.

“He really, really liked you for a very long time,” he says, “Big Bad Raidou had it pretty bad.” Kakashi nods, not saying anything. Raidou frowns, putting his hand on Yuugao’s thigh.

“Be quiet,” he says, before turning to Yuugao. “I was pretty upset though.”

“He complained about—” Aoba starts, before Genma cuts him off.

“Have some respect for Yuugao,” Genma says, “if she knew how pathetic he was, she’d dump him, and we’d have a whole new problem.” Aoba and Genma laugh, while Kakashi grins under his mask. Yamato sighs heavily, while Yuugao puts her hand over Raidou’s.

“I’m sure that wouldn’t happen,” she says softly. Raidou looks at her, a little lost.

“I hope not,” he replies.

“You are such a bummer,” Genma says, “honestly, Yuugao, you could just dump Raidou for being old and boring and sad and I wouldn’t blame you.” Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“Absolutely not,” she says, turning to look at Raidou, whose eyes look faraway and lips soft. Genma and Aoba turn on each other, while Yamato asks Kakashi to please, please put his softcore porn away and participate in the conversation. “Baby?”

“Yuugao, you’re not going to leave me, right? Unless I really, really deserve it?” he asks, somehow looking composed and serious even after three beers. Yuugao opens and closes her mouth. _I’m pregnant_. It’d be so easy to say. “Or at least, I don’t know, give me a heads up so I can prepare to live on Genma’s living room floor.”

“What’s that?” Genma asks.

“I’m asking Yuugao to let me know when she leaves me, so I can let you know that I have to live on your living room floor.” Raidou says, like this is completely reasonable.

“You could live with Kurenai,” Genma says, “She kept Asuma’s couch, and I’ve had some of the best sleeps of my life on that thing.”

“She’d also take care of you,” Aoba says, “remember the time you threw up in that alley and Kurenai used her sleeve to wipe the vomit from the corners of your mouth?” Raidou frowns at that memory. He felt horrible the morning after, and if he hadn’t woken up to Kurenai, he probably would have auto-defenestrated.

“You prepared her for parenthood,” Kakashi hums.

“Big Bad Raidou the Baby.” Genma snickers, “it has a ring to it.” Raidou takes a sip of his beer ignoring it.

“Raidou, I’m not going to leave you,” she says, “I can’t.”

“You have two legs and a will of your own,” Kakashi deadpans.

“You could leave him right now,” Aoba shrugs, “it’d be kinda entertaining, actually.”

“Raidou,” Yuugao says, “I’m not leaving.” Raidou smiles at her, while Genma narrows his eyes.

“Okay, then why _can’t_ you leave? That’s what I don’t understand.”

“Yeah,” Aoba scratches his jaw, “can’t’ is a weird way to put it. ‘Won’t’ would be better. ‘Can’t’ implies that you have no choice.” Raidou frowns, considering this. Yuugao looks to Kakashi or Yamato to intervene, but the former is too entertained by the fact that Raidou is so troubled by a semantic argument and Yamato doesn’t know how to prevent a train wreck.

“Yuugao, you want to be with me, right?” Raidou asks, “because you can leave whenever. I’d just like some notice.” This makes Yuugao’s jaw clench, and Kakashi, Aoba and Genma both try very, very hard not to laugh. It’s hard, after three beers. Yamato isn’t laughing because he doesn’t think this is very funny, and he actually thinks that the three stooges are being dicks because Anko isn’t here to put them in their place.

“I can leave?” she asks, arching an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah, if you want,” Raidou says, oblivious. “I don’t want you to feel obligated.”

“Obligated?” she repeats.

“Yeah, obligated,” he says, “you have autonomy.”

“Raidou, I can’t leave you,” she snaps. Raidou’s eyes widen, and everyone at the table goes silent and looks at her.

“Can’t?” he says meekly. Yuugao feels all of her patience leave her body, as if sucked out with a straw.

“Raidou, I’m _pregnant_.” Yuugao stands up, over it. _These assholes can walk themselves home_. “That’s why I can’t leave. There is a baby inside of me, so while I really, really love you, I also can’t make unilateral decisions about our relationship anymore, okay?” she spins on her heel and stomps out of the bar. Raidou’s jaw drops, while Aoba, Genma, Kakashi and Yamato, who all plan to remain childless, see their lives flash before their eyes.

Yamato looks at Raidou, who still hasn’t moved. “Uh, that’s your cue to leave.” Raidou gets up, and doesn’t even pay his tab.

**

Raidou jogs up to Yuugao, who is walking home, hugging herself. He cups his hand under her elbow, and steps in front of her. Yuugao sighs.

“What?” she asks, as Raidou gawks at her like he’s a little kid.

“What do you mean, what?” he asks, “you’re pregnant!”

“Look, I’ve been trying to tell you, and I wanted to do it in a really sweet, thoughtful way, but your friends are such _assholes_ sometimes and you just go with it like a _fool_ ,” she sighs. “Baby, I just…”

“Yuugao,” he says quietly, “were you pregnant during the war?” Raidou looks very serious, so she can tell that this is important to him.

“Yes,” she replies, “I didn’t know until two weeks ago.” Raidou nods to himself

“Okay,” he says softly. He doesn’t like the idea that their baby has already been exposed to war; ideally, they will never have to live through another one.

“Raidou, I know I was an asshole back there, but I really, really want this baby.” Yuugao puts her hands over her stomach; she doesn’t know long it’s been, but she knows the being inside of her is a little person. “I mean, we haven’t been doing this long, but I think we will be really happy.” She wasn’t joking when she told him she wanted to make mini-Raidous. Maybe not on army, but one or two, at least.

Raidou smiles softly. He is nervous; he’s buzzed, and he never thought he’d be a father, and while he and Yuugao have been together for around two years, they’ve only been official or a few months. On the other hand, it feels like he has known her for a very long time. He looks right into her eyes and does his soft smile that she swears, he must know makes her feel like goo.

Palm pressed to the flat of her stomach, he thinks about all the choices that brought him to this point.

“We’re going to be really happy,” he says. Yuugao presses his hand into her stomach, and smiles right into his eyes, because she might be a chump, but she gets to be in love and have a baby, things she never thought she’d get but things she knows Hayate would want her to have. And she gets to do these things with _Raidou_ , of all people, someone she never noticed but who is now indispensable. She puts her hands to his dumb, handsome face, and kisses his brow, and then his nose, and then his mouth. Thanks to him, not only is her resentment gone, but she’s free.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're happy again. I hope you liked this chapter!


	7. Common Era Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 1/2 Years Later...

“Just gimme them babies”

Ariana Grande, “34+35”

The thing that Raidou could never have anticipated when he became a parent was how little he would mind the grunt work. He has stepped back from assassinations, for now, doing mostly bodyguard duty. It keeps him at home; he didn’t have a family so that he would be away all the time. Despite its numerous challenges and petty frustrations, he would say that fatherhood has been incredibly rewarding. He loves his children more than he loves Yuugao, on a level of intensity and devotion that was previously unknown.

Yuugao is still an Anbu captain, although the last few years haven’t seen her deployed out of the village as much. She does get bored, but like Raidou, she didn’t have a family only to be away all the time. She never thought she would be happy after Hayate, let alone have a family, and she is grateful for what feels like a second chance. Raidou doesn’t say anything about Hayate’s picture or his sword in the front hallway, but it’s not a source of resentment between them. Raidou once said that it would be weirder to pretend that Hayate never existed, and Yuugao agrees.

Overall, their life together is very peaceful, quite happy. They’d both been concerned about having a baby so early into their actual, proper relationship, but they both decided to make a go of it, and it turned out to be a good decision. Hikari was the little baby that was inside of her during the war, something Yuugao thinks about whenever her daughter acts out. _Kari_ , she wants to ask, _do you remember what it was like?_ Yuugao wouldn’t be surprised if, on some cellular level, the war imprinted on Kari. Daydream Hayate disappeared right before Yuugao found out she was pregnant, like he knew that she didn’t need him to give her life a purpose anymore. The revenge Hayate wanted was for Yuugao to move on and live well; that his untimely death, while very sad, didn’t ruin anyone’s life. _Kari made me free, and I put her in danger_. Yuugao will sometimes think this to herself, even though there was no way she could’ve known that she was pregnant.

Kari looks like she came out of Raidou, but she has Yuugao’s shy mannerisms. Kari is also quite willful, when she feels like it. Genma says that she glares just like Raidou, when she’s really ticked off. The only person Kari has never had a disagreement with is Mirai; Kari follows her around like a puppy.

Kari was followed by two siblings. Kitaro, a boy who is now two, and Nozomi, a girl who is six months. They both look a lot like Yuugao, but Raidou is there. Taro is probably the prettiest out of the three; he is a chubby toddler with full cheeks and big eyes, and he is always smiling. _All babies are beautiful,_ Kurenai said, _but he is a beautiful baby_. He is very outgoing, too. While Yuugao is the axis upon which his world turns, he is friendly. Unlike Mirai or Kari, who would get fussy if away from a parent for too long, he doesn’t mind being passed around at parties or gatherings, he even enjoys it.

Mimi is different. She’s only six months old, but she’s very reserved, and she doesn’t smile much. She’s not unhappy or hurt or angry or sad; it’s like she doesn’t see the point in smiling. She likes to chew on things and spit bubbles. More often than not, she’ll watch Taro unintentionally antagonize Kari, who will then grumble or make a face. Yuugao thinks that Mimi is actually quite an observant child; she is always alert, just quiet and watchful.

Take, for instance, this morning. At 6 a.m., Raidou was woken up by Kari prodding him. When he woke up, he realized that she was covered in vomit. She looked at him, deeply unimpressed, and when asked what happened, she said that Taro climbed into bed beside her to sleep and then puked all over her. Raidou had sighed and gotten out of bed to deal with it, telling Yuugao to go back to sleep.

He walked into Kari’s room to find Taro sitting up, crying in a puddle of his own vomit. Raidou sighed and immediately made both kids undress and go to the bathroom, while he woke Yuugao up so she could turn on the bath. She smiled, sleepily, and told Raidou that she chose the right person to have babies with. _Ha ha_ , he had replied, trudging back to Kari’s room to strip the bed and then, take all the dirty clothes and bedding down to the laundry room.

When he came back upstairs, he heard yelling coming from the bathroom. He walked down the hall, and peeked in, to find Yuugao kneeling on the floor, trying to get Kari to share a bath toy with Taro, who, as the sick child, should ostensibly get what he wants. Behind Yuugao, Mimi sits up on the floor, fist in her mouth, watching her mother try and referee between her two siblings.

“Hey Meems,” Raidou says, “how about we go get breakfast ready?” She doesn’t nod or smile, but she opens her arms towards Raidou, in the universal gesture of _carry me!_

“Can you please make some coffee?” Yuugao asks in a soft voice.

“Most definitely,” he replies. Kari shrieks loudly, and Yuugao and Raidou wince at the same time.

“Your brother isn’t feeling well, Kari,” Yuugao says, “you should get out of the tub and then go to the kitchen with Daddy.” Kari shrugs and scrambles out of the tub, nearly kicking Taro in the face, if Yuugao hadn’t moved him in time. Kari grabs a towel and runs around Raidou’s legs and skips back to her room, while Raidou and Mimi watch her.

“How is she so awake?” he asks.

“No clue,” Yuugao sighs, “Taro, are you hungry?” He shakes his head, looking particularly pathetic. “I think we’ll stay up here for a bit. I’ll get breakfast later.”

“I’ll make something and put it in the fridge,” Raidou says. They smile at each other, and just before Yuugao can tell him how much she loves him, they hear Kari thump down the stairs, singing loudly to herself. “I better go,” he says, leaving the room, Mimi looking over his shoulder and waving at Yuugao. _Bye-bye_.

“Mommy, can we just stay in bed all day?” Taro asks. Yuugao smiles.

“Of course, baby.”

**

Domesticity isn’t something that Raidou ever pictured for himself, and it isn’t something anyone predicted for him, either. Before he had kids, he was always working. He doesn’t want for much, but he has always liked the security that money brings. Genma and Aoba would joke about digging him an early grave, while Shizune would tell him that he was working himself to death. Yuugao never said anything, because she is similar, in the sense that she too, will work herself to death if she didn’t consciously make herself stop. It’s not that they enjoy their work so much as they feel obligated to the village. What was once blind patriotism, honor and genuine bloodlust has given way to ambivalence: on one hand, both Raidou and Yuugao enjoy the feeling of being dutybound, and the safety of the village is even more critical now that they have children. On the other hand, they’ve done this for too long to say that they always agree with the methods the village uses to stay safe.

Having a family creates more work, but it’s the rewarding kind that reminds Raidou and Yuugao that assassination, espionage and undercover operations aren’t the only things in the world. They’ve both had to step back from their careers and adjust their expectations, but it’s nice being in the village together, getting to do housework and see their kids grow into themselves. Mimi is only eight months, and already, her little personality is asserting itself.

Kari looks just like Raidou when she glowers or frowns but has not learned how to control her face. Today, she gave Raidou himself the stink eye when he told her that she had to eat her oatmeal. Never before had he experienced his own glare, and he has to admit, it isn’t a whole lot of fun.

Taro, in all of his twenty-six months of wisdom, put his hand in Kari’s bowl and scooped up a big, mushy handful of oatmeal and put it in his mouth. He got most of it on his face, and Kari howled with rage that he had touched her food. Mimi started fussing, and to avoid an all-out war, Raidou declared that they are all going to go to the lake.

So, here they are, at the lake. Raidou took the day off of work and cleaned the kitchen and changed Mimi while Yuugao got Kari and Taro ready. Kari, their eldest, likes to bask in their attention, but Taro, the middle child who, in many ways, is still the baby, _needs_ Yuugao’s attention. Half of his accidents and goofy decisions are a bid to get Yuugao to smile at him. He’s their prettiest baby and Yuugao calls him her perfect boy, and all that talk has turned him into the softest toddler. He rarely fusses, not like Kari, and while he says ‘no,’ it’s more often than not, to be silly than serious. Shizune once said that she would consider children if she could get one like Taro, and he beamed up at her as if he understood. When Yuugao was getting them ready, he stood there and smiled while she helped him get dressed, while Kari skipped around, naked, because as an Official Big Girl who is perfectly potty-trained, she doesn’t have to wear a swim diaper.

Yuugao sits on the beach towel, breastfeeding Mimi, while Taro sits beside her, building a sandcastle. The strap of her one piece is pulled down, and Mimi is firmly latched on, looking up at Yuugao with her big eyes. Yuugao smiles at her daughter, rubbing a thumb of her temple. Mimi is quieter than her siblings, a little more thoughtful. She isn’t particularly fussy or demanding, often content to sit there and ‘vibe,’ as Aoba likes to say. Kari is the only mini-Raidou, but Yuugao suspects Mimi will also have his intense stare. She sees it in the way Mimi looks up at her.

Taro is singing to himself, digging down to the wet sand that Raidou showed him and said was perfect for sandcastles, so that he can stick it in a bucket. “Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are.” Taro’s voice is a light baby voice, and he has the tendency to verbally correct himself when he does something wrong. _No lying_ or _stop that_ are things he frequently mutters to himself. “Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky,” he sings, digging down into the sand. “Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are.” When he finishes the song, he stops digging and looks at Yuugao, awaiting her reaction. She smiles at him, as she can’t clap, but that’s enough for him.

“That was lovely,” she says, “you’re a very good singer.” Taro grins at her, big and toothy. No one in her family smiles that way, and Raidou can’t remember anyone in his family looking like that either.

“I’m building us a castle,” he says.

“Us?”

“Uh-huh,” he says, “one for me, and you, and Mimi!” He claps to himself, pleased with the idea of the three of them living on the beach forever. “We can shrink down and live in it all the time.”

“What about Daddy and Kari?” Yuugao asks. Taro smiles.

“They can live with us too,” he says, “but you are going to get your very own tower.”

“My very own tower?” she says, enthusiastic. Taro nods, with a big smile.

“I’ll make one for Mimi too. Kari and Daddy can share,” Taro says this to Yuugao as he turns back to the hole he dug.

“Where will you stay?” Yuugao says, as Mimi unlatches and looks up at Yuugao with droopy eyes. She adjusts her hold on Mimi and pulls her swimsuit back up. Taro tilts his head, thinking.

“I’ll live with Kari and Daddy,” he says. Mimi yawns and curls towards Yuugao, pressing her head into her neck. Yuugao rubs Mimi’s back, and hums. Taro gets back to work, rhyming to himself.

Their quiet time is interrupted when they hear Kari squeal out loud and see her being carried out of the lake by Raidou, upside down. Her arms are stretched to the ground as she kicks out her legs, and Raidou has to move his head to avoid being kicked in the face.

“Put me down!” she shrieks.

“Nope,” he says.

“Why are you carrying our daughter like that?” Yuugao asks.

“Because—”

“He’s a meanie!” Kari shouts. Raidou grins as they get to the beach towel. He stands over Yuugao, laughing at the way Kari squirms.

“She refused to come out of the water,” Raidou says, “she wanted me to come here and ask if you would come swim with her, but she wanted me to leave her in the lake to do that. So, I’m actually a good father.” He sits down, holding Kari up so that her head doesn’t hit the ground.

“I’m a big girl, I can swim by myself,” she says as Raidou flips her right side up.

“Not unsupervised,” he says.

“I hate you,” she replies. Raidou laughs, while Yuugao frowns. Taro jumps on Kari first.

“You shouldn’t say that,” he hums.

“No one asked you!” Kari says, squirming out of Raidou’s arms and marching over to Yuugao. She climbs onto her mother’s lap, frowning at Mimi, whose face is still buried in Yuugao’s shoulder.

“I hate you,” Kari says to Raidou, crossing her arms.

“You’ll hate me for real with you’re a teenager.” Raidou grins as Yuugao frowns.

“Kari, don’t speak to your father that way,” she says.

“Why not?” she asks, pouting.

“Because, hate is a very strong word, and you don’t really hate him at all, you’re just mad that he wouldn’t leave you alone in the lake,” Yuugao says this in a calm, reasonable voice. Raidou wonders if this is how she speaks on the clock.

“But I want you to come swim with _me_ ,” Kari whines. She stretches her arms around Yuugao, pressing the side of her face to Yuugao’s arm and her hand against Mimi’s back.

“Not until after you apologize to your father,” Yuugao says. Kari glowers at Raidou, who winks at her. She tries not to smile, she really does, but Raidou makes a funny face and she can’t help it. Mimi shifts her head so she can look down at Taro, who looks up and waves at her. She blinks, in her all-knowing way, as he returns to his sandcastle.

“I’m sorry,” Kari says, “I don’t hate you.”

“You just don’t really like me,” Raidou says, which makes Kari giggle. Yuugao sighs to herself, wondering why she bothered.

“Can you take Mimi?” Yuugao asks. Kari moves so Yuugao can pass the baby to Raidou, who smiles down at her. Mimi blinks up lazily, but she does smile. Her smile is easily the prettiest part of her; it has an alchemical quality, making her face light up. All of his babies make his heart melt, and he still finds it kind of amazing that he and Yuugao made three whole, unique people.

“Hey Meems,” he says, cradling her. She sticks her fist in her mouth, looking up at him. Taro hums to himself as Yuugao stands up.

“Do you want to hold my hand?” Yuugao asks. Kari shakes her head.

“I want to race!” She says, jumping up and taking off. Yuugao and Raidou watch her for a second.

“She’s faster than she looks,” he says, “you better get moving.” Yuugao looks down at him and winks, before she follows. Taro looks up and waves to her, before telling Raidou all about the tower they will share with Kari.

**

Raidou sits back on the couch, reading one of his detective novels. Taro is slumped next to him, sleeping, while Kari stands on his right side, pretending to ‘wash’ his hair. She hums to herself, which Raidou and Taro both easily toon out. Yuugao took Mimi with her to visit Yamato, who is, apparently, going through some interpersonal trouble of the romantic kind and needs Yuugao to comfort him. Mimi got to tag along because she’s cute and quiet, and Yuugao doesn’t know how long she’ll be.

Taro wakes up, and drowsily drags himself onto Raidou’s lap, slumping over against his father’s stomach. Raidou puts an arm around him, still reading his book. It’s then that Kari starts tracing his scar with her little fingers.

“How’d you get this?” Kari asks. Raidou sighs and closes his book.

“I got it at work,” he says, “it happened a long time ago.” It didn’t happen during a war, which is a surprise. The doctor told him that it could have been a lot worse than a nasty scar. Raidou feels less self-conscious, which is to say, he doesn’t avoid his reflection anymore. Still, he doesn’t like talking about it.

“It’s pretty,” Kari says, off-handed. Raidou snorts.

“Is it?” he asks. Kari smiles.

“If I get one, we can match!” She wiggles her entire body. Kari loves her mother, but she _loves_ her father. She follows him around, tells him that she wants to be just like him.

“You want to match?” he asks, closing his book. He frowns, thinking about how to tell Kari that he would rather her not get a giant scar on her face without crushing her spirit. “It hurt an awful lot.”

“So?” Kari says, ruffling his hair. It’s the kind of thing Yuugao says.

“Kari,” he says, “we already have the same face.” Except she is exponentially cuter.

“But we don’t have the exact same one!” Kari whines. Raidou snorts.

“You want that exact same face as me?” he asks, “why?” Kari shrugs.

“No reason,” she says, hopping off the couch, landing on the balls of her feet before she runs to the other room. Taro starts fussing, reaching up for Raidou, who sets his book aside and picks Taro up.

“Hey, little man,” Raidou says as his son wraps his arms around Raidou’s neck, pressing his face into his shoulder. Taro says nothing, and Raidou doesn’t expect him too. When Kari come skipping back in, they are both asleep.

**

The goldfish swim in a large tank, set on a table by the couch. Kari, only five, presses her face to the glass, looking at their little, vacant faces. She had wanted a puppy while her father wanted a pet rock. Her mother managed to get them to settle for fish. One for her and each of her siblings. Taro sings to the fish while Mimi doesn’t appear to have noticed them. Kari is very interested in the fish. She wants to know what their little, scaly bodies feel like. Kari stands up on the arm of the couch, carefully stepping onto the edge of the table, pressed close to the large tank.

Mirai looks at her, sitting behind her on the couch. Their parents are out, so they have been left with Genma and Aoba, who are easily divided and conquered. Genma went to the kitchen to start lunch, while Aoba is trying to wrangle Mimi, who, despite her flat affect and indifference to the world, climbs all over everything and is very good at hiding. Taro is with Genma in the kitchen, and they can both hear him and Genma while Aoba is calling out for Mimi somewhere else in the house.

Kari looks back at Mirai, who nods. She steps up behind Kari and puts her hands on the backs of her legs, to help her stay upright. Kari turns back to the tank and pushes the top over. It doesn’t fall; rather, it sits at an angle over the tank, giving Kari enough room to stick her arm in the tank. The water doesn’t smell like anything, and Kari sticks her entire arm in, wiggling her fingers.

“C’mon,” she huffs, as the fish swim to avoid her hand.

“You should try and catch one. Put both your hands in the tank,” Mirai says, who, being an entire year older, is the boss. Kari grunts, sticking her other arm in. She looks into the water, and grins when the smallest fish swims a little close.

In the other room, Taro starts singing at Genma. _Twinkle, twinkle, little star_. Kari imagines him twirling around Genma’s legs, like he does with their parents. Somewhere in the house, Aoba cries “gotcha!” which is immediately followed by a large crash and several bad words. It buys them enough time for Kari and Mirai to both feel comfortable continuing with the mission.

Kari moves quick, cupping both her hands around the little fish. She doesn’t take it out of the water as she waits for it to brush up against her palm. Mirai thinks the scales will be rough, while Kari thinks they’ll be smooth.

“I got one!” She whispers. Mirai stands up on the couch, placing hands on Kari’s waist for balance. Mirai peeks over her shoulder, disappointed when she can’t see anything.

“What does it feel like?” Mirai asks. Kari frowns.

“I’m waiting,” she says, closing her hands in around the fish.

She is horrified when she realizes that fish aren’t smooth and rough, but _slimy_ to the touch. Kari shouts, releasing the fish and pulling her hands clear of the tank. “EWW!” Kari squeals, scrambling and knocking back into Mirai, who loses her footing and shrieks. Both girls tumble to the floor, and while the tank moves a bit, it stays upright. The lid, however, comes crashing down.

Neither girl cries until the lid crashes to the floor. The back of Mirai’s head hit the ground, while Kari fell on her shoulder. It’s not Genma or Aoba who come to them first. Rather, it is Raidou and Kurenai, who have come back at the same time from their errands, who are in time to see the exact moment Kari touched the fish.

Kurenai kicks her shoes off and gets there first, dropping her purse on the ground. Raidou follows her, and Mirai is sitting on her mother’s lap and Kari tucking her head into her father’s neck as Genma steps out of the kitchen.

“What happened?” he asks, looking at Raidou, who stands up, and Kurenai, who is on the ground.

“Kari got into the fish tank,” Raidou says, “what were you doing?”

“I’m making lunch for these little monsters,” Genma says, “and Taro.” At the mention of his name, Taro runs out of the kitchen, and squeals when he sees Raidou in the living room, running over to wrap himself around his father’s leg.

“Where is Aoba?” Kurenai turns her head to look at Genma, who scratches his head.

“I don’t really know,” he says, “Mimi ran off and he followed her.” Raidou frowns, which peeves Genma. “Look, it’s not my fault that you two made such troublesome kids.”

“You’re supposed to be supervising them,” Raidou says, “all you have to do is keep them in one room.”

“Have you met your children?” Genma says, “they are all monsters. Except Taro.” Raidou feels Kari sniffle against his neck, her little hand tucked into the collar of his shirt. Mirai presses her forehead to Kurenai’s sternum, but she’s no longer crying.

“No, they aren’t,” Raidou says.

“Yes, they are,” Genma replies. Before Raidou can open his mouth to hit back, Aoba comes up from the basement, Mimi under his arm.

“Why are you holding my daughter like that?” Raidou asks, eyes bulging.

“She’s fine,” Aoba says, “she knocked over a shelf downstairs, and I snatched her out of the way, just in time.” Mimi wiggles, and Aoba sets her down. She’s fourteen months old, her purple hair cut at her chin.

“I swear,” Genma says, “they’re like this because of you two. Asuma and Yuugao’s genes have nothing to do with this.” He says Asuma’s name without thinking, and Kurenai’s lip twitches. It’s been over six years, but the grieving process will never really be over. It’s become easier, having friends who have kids, because Mirai gets to spend time with children her own age, but it also hurts to see what she and Asuma could have had, if he hadn’t been killed.

Raidou looks at Kurenai nervously. As their former teammate, he has taken it upon himself to include Kurenai in as many family things as possible. She never spends national holidays or festivals alone, and she and Mirai are always over for dinner. He doesn’t care, Raidou knows for a fact that Kurenai can’t spend all her time with her and Asuma’s former students. When it comes to Asuma’s team, it’s like they and Kurenai both feel obligated to spend time together, like it’s what Asuma would want. _He would want you all to be happy_. Yuugao doesn’t think she sleeps well at night, and Raidou found some sleeping pills in the bathroom. The prescription was from a month ago, unused. Sometimes, he wonders if she really means it when she tells him that she’s happy for him, or if with each pregnancy or milestone, Kurenai isn’t a little hurt by what she doesn’t have.

As someone who was there, who didn’t make it in time, Raidou still feels a little guilty. He knows Aoba feels the same.

“Asuma and Yuugao had their moments,” Kurenai says, standing up with Mirai in her arms. It’s as much as she can say.

“What did you make for lunch?” Raidou asks, changing the subject. Genma sighs.

“Well, I was trying—”

“It’s not even ready?” Raidou sighs. Genma shrugs.

“I’m not a parent, I don’t know why you expect me to think like one.” He replies while crossing his arms. Raidou frowns and kneels to set Kari down.

“Daddy needs to go figure lunch out,” he says. She frowns, but nods, helping him get Taro to let go of his leg. She gives Raidou a little salute, which he returns, before heading into the kitchen to see a mess of rice, vegetables, and eggs on the counter. _What was he trying to even do?_ Raidou is sure that Yuugao left lunch premade in the fridge.

Kurenai walks in behind him, and Raidou turns back to nod at her. “Yuugao made lunch ahead of time.”

“I figured,” Kurenai says, “Genma was probably in the mood for eggs and thought he’d treat the kids as well.” Raidou steps to the counter and starts tidying up. Kurenai stands back, watching him. She has known Raidou for a very long time, and she knows when he is trying to protect her feelings.

“We can talk about him,” she says, “I think I’d like to start talking about him. About what happened.” Raidou chews the lining of his cheek, not saying anything. “Raidou, it’s time for us to talk about what happened to Asuma.” She won’t ask Shikamaru to relive the second worst day of his life, and neither Ino nor Chouji need to revisit that day either. Kurenai wants to speak to an adult, her age, about Asuma. What he meant to her.

“You should probably talk to Yuugao,” Raidou says, “she lost Hayate.”

“But you’re my friend,” she says, “you knew us before.” Raidou watched them dance around each other, Kurenai saying ‘no’ or ‘maybe,’ until it was yes. She told him first, because their parents had been friends and Raidou has known her since she was a baby. They are all the family the other has left, so she felt obligated to tell him.

“Kurenai, I know about the pills.” Raidou turns to look at her. “I know you don’t take them.”

“I don’t need pills,” she says, “I need to tell someone about how I feel, really feel.” Or else, she will never leave that hallway when she found out Asuma died. That cold, icy feeling that somehow left her all burnt up inside.

“And how do you really feel, Kurenai?” he asks.

“Like it’s time to find the words for what happened to me.” Kurenai doesn’t know if she will ever be with another man, but she knows she can’t stay _here_. It’s not good for Mirai, or for her. She doesn’t want Asuma’s students to look at her with pity anymore, or for Raidou and Yuugao to hover around her like she is their child. “But first, maybe I should pay back the favor.”

“The favor?” Raidou asks.

“Well, you and Yuugao are always taking Mirai and I to different places. Maybe tonight, I’ll watch the kids, and you and Yuugao can enjoy some time together.” Kurenai winks, making Raidou blush.

“You don’t have to,” he says, “four kids are a lot, for one person.”

“Genma and Kakashi are coming over for dinner. Mirai and Kari have wanted a sleepover forever, and Taro and Mimi are both easy keepers. It’ll be fun.” Kurenai smiles, “besides, Hinata and Ino will be coming over tomorrow morning, and they can braid Mimi, Mirai and Kari’s hair.” Kurenai walks up to Raidou, looking right up at him. “I don’t want to be treated like a burden, or a sad widow anymore.” Raidou looks down at her, into her big red eyes. He remembers when they first fell together, how she used to touch his scar.

“Okay,” he says. “We can talk about what happened tomorrow, when Yuugao and I come to pick the kids up.” Kurenai blinks, and for a second, he thinks she might cry, but she smiles.

“I’d like that,” she says. “I want to sleep through the night.”

“I want that for you too,” he says, pressing his hand to her cheek. _More than you can know_.

**

Taro was the only one who waved to Raidou and Yuugao when they left their kids with Kurenai. Kari and Mirai had charged towards the living room, without looking back. Mimi sat in Kurenai’s arms, the picture of indifference, as always, fist in her mouth, watching her parents prepare to leave. Taro, with a big smile on his face, stood behind the door and waved. _Bye-bye_. He then closed the door with Kurenai’s help. Raidou and Yuugao stood outside the door for a few seconds, before looking at each other. _What do we do now?_ Yuugao asked. Raidou shrugged, and they walked home, arm in arm.

They spent the next few hours cleaning the entire house, before flopping back down onto the couch. Yuugao turns to Raidou, who is looking up at the ceiling.

“What did we do before we had kids?” she asks. Raidou’s brow furrows, and he presses his lips together.

“I…don’t really remember.” He looks at Yuugao, who changed into her little shorts and baby tee when they decided to clean.

“We did a lot of errands together,” she says, “but I wouldn’t say we went on dates.”

“That’s because you didn’t want to ‘date’ for the first year.” He says this with a smile, even though it wasn’t funny at the time. Yuugao hadn’t been ready, after Hayate, to be in a relationship.

“Well,” she says, “I changed my mind, and you still didn’t take me out on dates.”

“Because” he says, reaching for her thigh, “we have so much more fun naked.” Yuugao grins big.

“I was wondering how long it would take for you to come onto me,” she sits up, putting her hand on his shoulder. “Lucky for you, I’m pretty horny.” Raidou smiles.

“Really?” he asks. Yuugao nods. Between work and taking care of three kids, sex isn’t the priority it once was. Yuugao’s parents help a lot, and Kurenai does too, but it’s still a lot. By the time they are both in bed, Raidou and Yuugao are almost too tired to even ask the other to turn off the light. They haven’t had a night alone, to themselves, no kids whatsoever, in a very, very long time. Definitely not since Mimi was born.

“Where do you want to do it?” he asks, “we can do it anywhere.”

“More than once,” Yuugao says, “don’t forget that.” Raidou nods.

“We can do it anywhere in the house, more than once.” He smiles, “so, where?” Yuugao sighs and climbs onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. She puts her face right up to his, humming.

“Well, where have we had fun, historically?”

“We always have fun,” he says, pressing his mouth to her lower lip. They’ve never had bad sex. The worst it has ever been is fine, which isn’t great, but it is far from bad.

Yuugao kisses him back, pressing her tummy to his, while his hands come up under her shirt. A palm on her back, another on her stomach. Yuugao hums into his mouth, putting her hands on either side of his face. Raidou cups a breast, and she pulls away to take her shirt off. Three pregnancies have made her softer, but Raidou likes it. It’s a reminder of what they did together. Her shirt drops to the floor, and Raidou rolls her nipple piercing with his thumb. Yuugao yips, and scowls, which makes him smile.

“What?” he asks, “you like it when it hurts a little.”

“You surprised me,” she says, “I don’t like being surprised.” Raidou leans forward to take said pierced nipple in his mouth, brushing his tongue over it, sucking gently, soothing it. Her skin is soft, and he does his best to avoid moving the piercing. Yuugao sighs at the tender gesture, relaxing around him. She runs her hand through his hair, and looks out through the window, thinking about all her fantasies while Raidou makes up for being so rough with her.

When he’s done, he begins to kiss her breast, up her sternum to her throat. Yuugao smiles to herself, thinking about what a big softie he really is. She traces the knot of his spine with her forefinger, keeping her face just out of reach.

“You have too many clothes on,” she says, sticking her hand under the collar of his shirt, the flat of her hand ending up on his back.

“Then take it off,” he says, frowning when she pulls away to do so. When his shirt is over his head, the first thing he sees is Yuugao’s smiling face, before she kisses him, with feeling. She smiles when she feels his fingers along the inside of her shorts. Yuugao and Raidou grin when it registers for him that she isn’t wearing underwear. “You’re ready.”

“I’m Anbu,” she says, “I’m always ready.” She makes a little noise in the back of her throat when his thumb finds her clit, and she presses her mouth to his. He opens his lips to her, and sighs when she presses her tongue to his. It’s real intimate feeling, which is how they know it’s fun. Not for the first time, Yuugao fantasizes about someone watching them. They are just so good together. She moves herself against his thumb, moaning when he slides a finger in.

“Still ready?” he asks. Yuugao moans loudly when a second finger enters her. She loves all the knicks and scars and calluses on his fingers, and she especially loves when she is sensitive enough to feel them inside of her.

“Born ready,” she replies, speaking right into his mouth. Raidou begins to move his fingers in and out, while pressing his thumb to her clit, until they find the right speed. She feels the white-hot tingle up her spine, and the insides of her elbow and the backs of her knees sweat. She begins to fuck herself on his hand, and all he can do it move with her and hold her hip with his other hand. She moans into his mouth, before pulling away and muttering a series of yeses and fucks to herself while Raidou feels his hand get wetter and wetter.

She makes a high-pitched moan as she rides it out, before she kisses him again. Raidou pulls his hand away and cups her ass, pulling her closer. _Mhmmhmm_. It’s like Yuugao is trying to talk while keeping his tongue in her mouth at the same time. He pulls away, looking up at her.

“Yes?”

“I know what my fantasy is.” She runs her hands through his hair, smiling. “It’s a good one.”

“You’ve never had a bad one,” he says. Yuugao scratches his scalp, and the side of his neck tingles.

“I want you to have sex with me like I’m a side chick,” she says. Raidou frowns.

“A side chick?” he asks, “what’s that?” Yuugao laughs out loud.

“How old are you?” she asks, “even I know what the kids say these days. You have no excuse!” Raidou pouts.

“I swear, if you call me old, I will not put my dick in you,” he says. Yuugao drops herself against his erection, and he raises his eyebrow when she gives him an embarrassed look. “You’re so desperate.” Yuugao makes a face.

“I bet you feel the same way about my pussy,” she says, not thinking. Raidou snorts.

“It’s weird hearing you use that kind of language,” he replies, kissing the edge of her jaw. Yuugao sighs.

“Do you want me to tell you what my fantasy is?” she asks. Raidou pulls back, looking up at her.

“I’ve been waiting.”

“I want you to have sex with me like you’re a married man, and I’m your mistress.” She says, “you’ve been on a business trip for two weeks, and you’ve been thinking about me this whole time, and that I’ve just come over here to see you.” Raidou feels his tummy tighten, and Yuugao gets excited by the way he looks at her, like he wants to kill her dead.

“Two weeks without, huh?” he asks, sticking his hands up her shorts.

“Fourteen days without me,” she says, “and you don’t get to see me all the time, because I’m not your wife.” She kisses him deep and smiles when he opens his mouth. He’s always easy when she says nasty things.

“I don’t have a wife,” he says, “but I’ll pretend. I bet she’s pretty, too.” He winks at Yuugao, who grins.

“She’s not as pretty as me,” she says. Raidou smiles.

“That’s because no one is,” he replies. This is something he really believes. He’s seen her in every way imaginable. He was there when she shit on the table while giving birth, and even then, she was still the prettiest girl he’s ever seen. No one compares to Yuugao. Genma says he looks at her with hearts in his eyes. _You look like a cartoon, like a lovestruck person in a girly anime_. Raidou would happily live in an anime, any anime, if he and Yuugao were endgame. They never want to get married, but he’d do it in a heartbeat if she asked. He has it bad.

Yuugao crushes her mouth against his, because he was looking at her in his adoring way, the kind of way that makes her want to carry him inside of her. She slips her tongue into his mouth and grins when he pulls her closer.

“Let’s do it by the front door,” he says.

“What?”

“Like, you just came in and we had to do it then and there,” he says. He smacks her ass playfully, and she doesn’t even jump. Instead, she stands up and pulls her shorts off, before walking to the front hall. Raidou watches her walk and feels his heart thump. He stands up and follows her, aching for her, watching as she places her hands flat to the front door and assume the position. Raidou drops his pants, stepping out of them, looking at the long line that dips from the back of her neck to her tailbone.

The door is solid under her hands, and Yuugao looks out the window to the side of the door. If someone were standing right outside, they would be able to Raidou. Yuugao looks over her shoulder, her lips flushed and bruised looking.

“What if someone sees us?” she asks. Raidou looks at the window.

“They’d only really see me.” He says, “but it’s been two long weeks, and I’m pretty horny. I really don’t care who sees.” Yuugao grins, making a little noise when he touches her again. “If they are cute enough, they could join.” He smiles at the way she pouts. “What?”

“I don’t share,” she says.

“But I’m a married man,” he says, “you already share me.” He lines himself up and waits for Yuugao’s answer.

“But you love me, and you only want me,” she says over her shoulder. “It’s like no one else exists.” Raidou looks down at the heart tattoo on her ass and smiles to himself.

“So, what have you been doing these two weeks without me?” he asks. Yuugao’s eyes soften, and while she doesn’t want to fuck with the fantasy, her real feelings are what jump out of her throat.

“Thinking about you,” she says. Raidou has a lot of big feelings in his chest, and there are so many things he wants to say, but now isn’t the time. She groans when he slides in, turning her head and bracing herself against the door.

When he hits bottom, they sigh together. Yuugao wiggles her hips again, and Raidou begins to move, starting slow just to make her impatient before picking up speed. He’s still gentle though, like he wants to treat her with softness. She usually likes it rough, but it feels nice. Yuugao moans for him, so Raidou keeps the same pace. He is hitting every spot she likes, and he feels like a winner with every curse she mutters. Raidou smiles to himself, when he sees movement in the window and Yuugao tenses up.

“Someone is coming,” he says, pausing.

“It’s Aoba and Genma,” she says, “what the fuck do they want?” Raidou pulls out and spins Yuugao around, thinking quickly. At first, she’s mad because he pulled out and his friends have showed up on the doorstep on their night. But when he picks her up, and she wraps her legs around his waist, her back against the front door, her irritation dissipates. In a few seconds, he is back inside, and they smile at each other. Because they are so close to the door, unless Aoba or Genma look at a very specific angle, they won’t be seen. Somehow, that makes it better.

Yuugao likes how deep he is and wraps herself around him as he thrusts up into her. She senses Aoba and Genma right behind the door, and she whines a little, trying to stay quiet while Raidou punches her in. They hear them on the other side of the door. Genma and Aoba heard from Kurenai that Yuugao and Raidou were child-free tonight, and they want to take Raidou to the bar, because Kakashi is also free. Yuugao makes a face.

“You’re not going,” she says to Raidou, “you’re staying inside of me.”

“Do you see me moving?” Raidou thrusts up into her, and she moans loudly. Genma and Aoba stop talking, and Yuugao stuffs her hand in her mouth, moaning around it as Raidou continues to fuck her. There is one knock, and then another, but Raidou and Yuugao don’t stop to answer it. Sensing his own end, Raidou picks up speed, and Yuugao wraps herself around him to hold on. Genma and Aoba leave shortly after; she senses them recede.

“You can go harder now,” she says into his ear, moaning when he goes faster and faster, getting off on him using her.

“I’m so glad they left,” Raidou’s nose is crushed into her collarbone, and Yuugao moans her agreement.

Her second orgasm is violent, shooting up her spine to her brain to between her eyes. She cries out, clinging to Raidou as he approaches his own end. She demands that he come inside of her, and when he does, she clenches around him, just to make him squirm a little. They are both panting when Raidou sets her down. Yuugao leans against the door, while Raidou leans over her, his hands on either side of her head.

“Whoa,” she says. Raidou nods.

“Yeah.” He kisses her shoulder. “I’m sorry they showed up.” Raidou moves up the side of her neck, “they ruined the game.”

“I still came,” she sighs.

“But” he says, “they ruined the fantasy.” Raidou lowers himself to his knees, hooking one of Yuugao’s legs over his shoulder. “Let me make it up to you.” She’s a little too raw for his fingers, but his mouth will be okay. Yuugao runs her hands through his hair.

“You don’t need to make it up to me,” she says, “you were perfect. You came inside me and everything.”

“I want to,” he says.

“And if they come back?” Yuugao asks, leaning back into the door. Raidou gives her a dark look.

“Moan really loud, so they know we’re busy.” He kisses the inside of her thigh, leaving a suck mark. Yuugao makes an exaggerated porn-y moan.

“You want it like that?” she asks. Raidou nods.

“And if my wife comes back?” he asks, a sincere expression on his face. Yuugao feels herself get wet all over again.

“Then I’ll moan even louder, so she knows how good you give it to me,” she says. Raidou winks and spreads her apart so that he can put his mouth to her.

Yuugao closes her eyes and digs her heel into his back the closer she gets. Raidou comes up from below, and when he moves a hand up to cup her breast, Yuugao puts her own over it. As he searches for the truth, she makes noises neither of them knew her to be capable of, and her third orgasm blooms inside of her, like something new and soft is taking form inside of her. When Raidou is done, Yuugao feels like putty. When he pulls away, she unhooks her leg and sits on him, dazed, before leaning forward and tucking her face into his neck.

**

Yuugao stands at the kitchen counter, trying not to look at the stick there. Kurenai sits at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of tea. Theirs is a friendship born from the fact that they have many people in common and are frequently thrown together. When Kurenai came over with Mirai, she had seen the test on the counter, and said nothing. Yuugao asked if she wanted to stay over during the play date, and Kurenai said yes. Neither Anko nor Shizune are mothers, so she takes whatever she can get when it comes to mom friends.

There are plants everywhere. Raidou and Yuugao have created a jungle; pothos, ivy, spider plants from the ceiling, rubber plants, snake plants on the ground, jades, lavender monas, hoyas, cacti, all on windowsills and tables and shelves. There is a peace lily in the bathroom. _Of course, you two are fertile_. Raidou isn’t the love of her life, but he was her first. She knows what he can be like, when he isn’t being a grouch.

Yuugao frowns at the test. Kurenai tilts her head. “Are you excited?”

“Yes,” Yuugao replies, “I always wanted four. Raidou will probably be nervous, but I think he’ll be happy.” Kurenai glances at Yuugao’s stomach. While motherhood makes everyone softer, Yuugao looks the same as she did, pretty much. Pregnancy and motherhood suit her; she became prettier, her hair shinier. Pregnancy wasn’t a fun time for Kurenai. It was lonely, even though everyone rallied around her. Her body felt like a stranger, and she was relieved when Mirai was no longer inside of her.

“I don’t think Asuma and I would have had another.” Kurenai says this in a soft voice. “I didn’t like being pregnant.” Yuugao nods.

“It’s not for everyone,” Yuugao says, “I’m surprised that Raidou and I like having kids so much.” Between the two of them, they have taken a lot of lives.

“And you’re a captain, too.” Kurenai says. She set her career aside, after Mirai was born. She didn’t have a partner to help her out, and she didn’t want to put herself at risk, knowing Mirai only has her.

“Raidou got to step back, which is what I think he wanted,” Yuugao picks up her own mug of tea, stealing another glance of the test. “I lucked out, with him.” She sips her tea, thinking. “I almost let him slip through my hands. I didn’t even let him take me on a date for a year. Just sex and hanging out.”

“It really upset him,” Kurenai says, “he told me about it.” Yuugao nods.

“Then he told me that things needed to change, and we broke up.”

“Asuma had just died, when he said that.” Kurenai says, “that’s why he was so…touchy, I guess.” Yuugao tilts her head, thinking.

“I thought Hayate was rolling in his grave.” Yuugao tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “I was so convinced that it was a betrayal. Then I had to fight Hayate in the war and…I realized that turning away happiness would be spitting on his memory.” Yuugao sets her mug down, not looking at Kurenai. She is still a little ashamed that, after promising to love Hayate and only him or the rest of her life, that not only did she end up with his friend, but she has fallen in profound, cosmic love with three little babies. There is no universe where she wants to live without knowing Kari, Taro and Mimi. They barely leave enough room in her heart for Raidou, let alone Hayate.

Everyone knows how Kurenai and Asuma had gotten together. It had been seen a mile away. Years in the making. No one believed them when they denied it, and Asuma was always such a shitty liar. But no one knows how Raidou and Yuugao got together. Kurenai guesses everyone was too busy running around, trying to keep the world together, and Raidou and Yuugao were both too ashamed of their relationship to say anything. She only found out when Raidou told her after Asuma died. He’d been staying with her every night, before he finally told her what he had done in the time he left Hokage Tower and came to her apartment to pick her up out of the hallway.

“I didn’t say yes to Asuma for a long time. Years.” Kurenai says this, because she feels like she committed a crime in denying him the happiness that was their relationship, now that she knows how little time they had together. “Then I did, and we were very happy.”

“Did you sleep together on the first date?” Yuugao asks. Kurenai snorts.

“No, I made him wait until date three.” It had been worth it, when he pinned her against a wall and moved her panties to the side.

“Raidou approached me at that really shitty bar in the east end, and asked me if I knew that, when frustrated, cannibals throw up their hands,” Yuugao says, amused. Kurenai snorts.

“He said that?”

“He said he found it in a book.” Yuugao says, “I let him take me home, and I kept going back but refusing to date him.” She looks around her kitchen, “now look at us.”

“Hayate would be very happy for you,” Kurenai says. Yuugao smiles.

“I think so.” She gives Kurenai a pointed look. “Being alone doesn’t prove how much you love someone. I thought it did, and then I saw Hayate again.” He protected her, in the end, like he always had. It was his way of telling her that he would always love her.

“Why do you say that?” Kurenai doesn’t want to have this conversation, but people have been dancing around it, with her, for over six years.

“Because Asuma knows how you feel, and he wouldn’t want you to live this way,” Yuugao says, “you don’t have to date ever again, but you do have to live with what happened in a way that doesn’t trap you in the past.” She pauses. “You’re not like Kakashi, who only loves Rin as much as he does because she’s dead. You and Asuma had a relationship, have a child. Don’t stay paralyzed,” Yuugao walks over to the fridge, and takes a business card off of it. “You should try counseling. I go, off and on. It helps.” She gives Kurenai the card, before looking back at the test.

“Thanks Mom,” Kurenai jokes, sticking the card in her pocket. Yuugao smiles, picking up the test.

“Looks like I have another one.” Yuugao smiles softly. Kurenai feels something warm inside of her. She doesn’t want another child, but she does love babies and all that they represent.

“Are you going to buy a fourth fish and wait until Raidou figures it out?” she asks. Yuugao snorts.

“It would take him a week, and then he’d be annoyed that I didn’t just tell him.” Yuugao sets the test down, and walks over to the fridge, while Kurenai stares at the places where a fourth little baby is growing.

**

Yuugao carefully lowers the fourth goldfish into the tank. Raidou bought a bigger tank, and the kids are all there, watching. Pinkie will now be joining Goldie, Baby and Fishie. Kari has been wary of the tank since she touched the fish, but Taro likes to wave at the fish while Mimi has started to sit up close and stare at them for most of the day.

Raidou kneels in front of Kari, whose arms are crossed, Taro, who is holding a blanket, and Mimi, whose thumb is in her mouth.

“So, your mom and I have some big news.” He looks up at Yuugao, smiling. “You’re going to have a new little brother or sister.” The fish swims out of the net, while Yuugao and Raidou smile at their children, expecting a reaction.

Taro reacts first. “A baby?” he smiles, “a little one?”

“A really little one, so little, they have to stay in Mommy’s tummy for a few months,” Raidou says, excited. He is thrilled to be a father again. Mimi sucks her thumb, saying nothing.

“I don’t want it,” Kari says. Raidou and Yuugao, who had been expecting this reaction, exchange glances

“Well, that’s not really your choice, honey,” Yuugao says, kneeling down. “This baby is a member of the family, like Taro and Mimi. They are one of us.” Kari continues to frown. She looks just like Raidou, in a way that is uncanny.

“Give it to Genma,” she says, “or Aoba.” Raidou tucks his mouth into his elbow and pretends to cough, while Yuugao sighs.

“Baby,” she says, “you know we aren’t going to do that.”

“Why not!” She shrieks. Taro giggles at his sister’s expense, unfazed when she glares at him. “Don’t make fun of me Taro!” Yuugao scoops her eldest up, before she can knock her brother over.

“You can’t do that when you get mad,” Yuugao says, standing up. Kari glowers up at her mother.

“I’m angry.”

“I know,” Yuugao says softly, “your daddy and I still love you very much. You’re are our first little fish.” She taps her daughter between the eyes, before setting her down on the ground. Kari leans against Yuugao’s leg, watching Raidou hold Mimi up to look at the new fish, while Taro waves and tells Pinkie all about Goldie, Baby and Fishie. Who is grumpy, and who is greedy—all the things Pinkie will need to know in order to make friends with the other three fish.

“I’m still the first fish?” Kari asks, looking up at Yuugao. She smiles at her daughter.

“Always.”

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised: four kids and another on the way. 90% of screen caps of Raidou on the show feature him frowning or side-eyeing someone, and Yuugao always looks blank when she isn't fighting. Their children having these same mannerisms is comical to me. I hope you liked this!


	8. Common Era Part II

“I know that forever could never be enough”

Maggie Rogers “Love You for a Long Time”

Raidou is sitting at the kitchen table, trying to pop the leg of one of Kari’s dolls back into its socket. Kari is watching him intently, her chin on her fist. Beside her is a whole stack of dolls that have faced some sort of injury—broken arms, limbs popped out of sockets, heads that have fallen off. Every few months, Kari brings a whole stack of her dolls downstairs and forces Raidou to fix them. It’s their thing.

He used to sit and watch his dad fix things. Now that he has kids, Raidou can say that he understands his father a lot better now. His father was pretty laid-back; he wasn’t particularly ambitious, and he made an effort to always be around for the little and big things. Raidou found this impulse contemptible as a young man, but he completely understands why his father lived his life that way. Raidou still has a tendency to overwork himself, but he makes sure to prioritize his family. He didn’t have kids to never be around to raise them.

Taro is sipping on a juice box, watching Raidou and Kari frown as the doll and its leg fail to cooperate. Raidou used to watch his dad fix things, but he never had dolls growing up, so he is making up their repair as he goes along. Genma tells him to just throw the broken ones out and buy new ones, but Raidou refuses to be so wasteful as a matter of principle.

That said, at times like this, he absolutely understands why Genma made the suggestion.

“What do you even do to your dolls?” he asks.

“Mimi was mad at me and popped out Kimmy’s leg.” Kari sounds as frustrated as Raidou feels.

“Why?” Raidou asks. He would like to avoid having to do this in the future.

“Kari told Mimi that she couldn’t play with her and Mirai,” Taro says, “she was being mean.” Kari narrows her eyes at her brother.

“That’s because Mimi is annoying!” Kari huffs, “she doesn’t play by the rules.”

“Kari, you have to learn to get along with Mimi…” Raidou trails off, focusing on the leg.

“I can’t! She’s so…” Kari waves her hands in the air, looking for the word.

“Chaotic?” Raidou offers.

“What does that mean?” Taro asks, before sucking back on his straw.

“Unpredictable, hard to pin down.” Raidou says, setting the doll and its leg back on the table. _Maybe I’m doing this all wrong_.

“She’s just evil,” Kari declares. Raidou snorts.

“No, your sister isn’t evil.” He looks in the tool kit beside him, looking for something he can use to open the socket a little, and then close it.

“She’s just sneaky,” Taro says, “she put a dead bug in Genma’s sandal, just cause.” It had been a cockroach, and Mimi had smiled when Genma cussed out loud. Raidou forced Genma, Aoba, Guy and Yamato to help him tear the place up, looking for them. He never found any, but he is ever vigilant now.

“She’s clever,” Raidou hums. Mimi is probably smarter than all of them combined. She likes puzzles, and collecting shells, feathers, rocks. Raidou makes her keep her collections in jars outside. She doesn’t mind, and their friends will help her. Aoba brings feathers with him, and Genma always has a rock for her. They call it the ‘Mimi Tax,’ or MT.

“Whatever,” Kari frowns, picking one of her dolls up, “she needs to stop breaking my dolls.”

“That, we can all agree on,” Raidou says. Taro shrugs.

“It’s kind of funny,” he replies. Kari picks up a doll and chucks it at him, but Raidou catches it.

“Don’t throw things at your brother, please.” Raidou knows how his parents felt. He and his older brother would always get into stupid fights like this one. Kari scowls in response.

“I hope the baby is nicer than Kari and Mimi,” Taro says.

“I completely understand,” Raidou sighs, “Kari, you and Mimi need to stop being so wasteful with your toys.”

“She is the one who keeps breaking them!” Kari says, picking up a doll and running her fingers through its hair. She frowns when her little fingers catch on the ends.

“Look,” Raidou sighs, “just ask her why.” He knows he’s stupid for trying to reason with a little kid but hope springs eternal.

“Kari knows why,” Taro hums. Kari frowns and jumps off of her chair, and Raidou and Taro watch her stalk away. Her arms are crossed, and she says nothing to either of them. “I hope I have another sister.”

“Why?” Raidou asks. He loves his children—they are the axis upon which his world turns, but Kari and Mimi aren’t great sisters. Kari once pushed Taro off their porch and Mimi always leaves pebbles in his shoes.

“I like my sisters. They make me laugh.” He grins up at Raidou, who doesn’t understand how he ended up with such a sweet kid.

“They are pretty funny,” he says, fiddling with the leg as Taro sucks on his juice.

**

One thing no one told Kakashi about being an adult, is that one day you’ll wake up and all your friends will suddenly be responsible adults who are able to anticipate ten different things a child could need or want and multiple sleep schedules, as well as housework, and will expect you to have also made this change. Kakashi stands in the front hall of Yuugao and Raidou’s house, at the foot of the stairs. He was invited over to, quote unquote, ‘keep an eye on the kids’ while Yuugao, Raidou, Yamato and Kurenai desperately scramble to make sure that everything is ready for when Yuugao goes into labor, whenever that happens.

One would think that being Hokage would exempt him from these kinds of things, but apparently, everyone wants to keep him humble, or whatever.

Yamato and Kurenai explained it to him on their way over: Yuugao’s due date is this week, and because she and Raidou have three kids, they want to make sure that as many things as possible are set up for when Kurenai and Mirai stay over while Yuugao is in the hospital. Kakashi was actually on his way to the bookstore when Kurenai and Yamato found him, and told him to come because, apparently, _so much has to be done_. The entire house has to be cleaned, laundry has to be done, meals prepared, bags packed. So much so, that there isn’t someone to watch the four, already existing children, which is where Kakashi came into play.

When they got there, Kari had bounded over to Mirai, while Taro waddled up to Kurenai, holding out a teddy bear. Raidou and Yuugao, who both looked stressed, were smiling in the tense way two people who were definitely bickering beforehand but are trying to cover it up, do. _Kurenai_ , Raidou asked, _do you trust me to empty a vacuum cleaner?_ Yuugao’s eye twitched, and Yamato immediately intervened, telling her that they had better things to do. Yuugao sighed and rubbed her face, before asking Yamato to help her with the laundry. Kurenai tilted her head and gave Raidou a hug, while Kakashi stood there, clueless as to why everyone is acting like Raidou and Yuugao have never been through this routine before. _You’ve done this three times, why are you two freaking out now?_

Whatever. Kurenai and Raidou went to the vacuum cleaner in the living room, which is when she told Kakashi to keep an eye on the kids, which means _don’t come ask us for help unless someone is dying_. He then eyed all four of them, as they stood there, staring back at him.

“I have one rule,” he says, “guess what it is?”

“Um, have fun?” Taro asks. Kari and Mirai say nothing, while Mimi stuffs her fist in her mouth.

“Don’t get caught,” he says, “if you do something bad, and I don’t catch you, it’ll be like it never happened.” Kari and Mirai look at each other and shrug, before they decide to scramble up the stairs, with Taro close behind them. Mimi stares up at Kakashi and blinks. “You’re smart, aren’t you?” he asks. She takes her fist out of her mouth and wipes it all over his fatigues, holding eye contact with him. Kakashi is sort of speechless, standing there, watching a child deliberately smear her drool all over his pant leg. She doesn’t even smile or try and look cute.

“I’m your Hokage,” he says. Mimi blows a spit bubble in response. _Fair enough_.

She stops when Kari shrieks her name from upstairs. “MIMI!” Kakashi winces. Mimi’s little hand drops to her side, and she grins up at Kakashi, before she heads up the stairs.

“Weird kid…” he mutters, before pulling out his book.

He reads three pages before he hears three distinct giggles and a dragging noise. He looks up, and sighs when he sees, at the top of the stairs, Mirai, Kari, and Taro sitting in a laundry basket, staring down at him, all grinning. There is a towel under the basket, that helps Mimi push it along. Mimi stands beside the basket, giving them a vacant stare. Kakashi can guess what will happen and knows how their parents would want him to react. Asuma, may he rest in peace, was a pretty chill guy. Kurenai, Raidou and Yuugao are decisively unchill.

Kakashi knows that three giggling children rarely means anything good, but he thinks that, at the very least, it could be entertaining to let them do what they are about to do. Kakashi crosses his arms and looks up at them, not moving. Kari turns back to Mimi and makes a signal while Taro and Mirai grin at Kakashi, like they aren’t about to do the kind of thing that could break their necks.

Mimi steps up behind the basket as Kari sits down, and uses her little, toddler body to push the basket down the stairs. All three children squeal, as Mimi stands back and watches, the silent jury in the trial of her siblings and Mirai.

Luckily for them, Kakashi isn’t a negligent asshole nor does he have bad reflexes, so he puts his foot out and stops the basket before it passes the last stair.

“Which one of you came up with this?” he asks.

“Are we in trouble?” Mirai asks.

“Well, you got caught,” he deadpans.

“It’s not anything bad,” Kari says, “we were having fun!” Kakashi sighs, because never, in his entire life, did he think he would ever have to be this person.

“Just because it’s fun doesn’t mean it’s good for you,” he says, leaning down to pick up the basket and set it down on level ground. Mirai is seven while Kari is six, while Taro is three and a half. They aren’t heavy, by any means, but they aren’t little babies like they used to be.

Mimi, the clear genius of this operation, just turned two. He looks up as she stares down at him.

“Mimi,” he says, “why did you push them down the stairs?”

“They asked using please,” she replies, in her delicate voice. Mimi has a very pixie-like affect, like she could sprout wings and fly away at will. _You’re going to make Anbu_. Her callous streak is particularly pronounced, and he has seen Yuugao and Raidou bash people’s heads in. She smiles at him, and Kakashi tries not to imagine the kind of shinobi she will inevitably become.

**

Yuugao sits up in her hospital bed, holding another little girl in her arms. This is the fourth time, but she still can’t believe that she and Raidou are capable of making a tiny, tiny person. They had just sat down for breakfast when the contractions started, and Yamato covered for Kurenai while Raidou and Yuugao went to the hospital. Kari and Taro were easy, but Mimi had split her apart, so Yuugao really wasn’t sure what kind of labor she was in for.

It always hurts, which is why Yuugao never takes an epidural. As an Anbu operative, she has learned that stone cold sobriety is the only way to minimize true fuckery, and the ritual of bringing someone into the world necessitates pain. She told Raidou that she doesn’t want to miss any part of being a mother, even the painful bits. Raidou told her that she sounds like one of _those_ moms, the ones who love and affirm every horrible, boring and disgusting piece of motherhood. _Raidou, I am one of those moms_. She doesn’t know why he said anything, when he is that kind of dad.

Nonetheless, within six hours, after a world plus three of pain and discomfort, Yuugao is sweaty and tired and holding her and Raidou’s last little baby. She smiles down at her daughter, while Raidou sits on the bed, watching them. He always feels a little out of place and helpless, when Yuugao is in labor. It’s horrible, knowing that all he can do is watch, and yet, he has to do it.

He smiles softly and puts his hand on her thigh. Yuugao looks up at him, blinking. “You’re never going to smile at me again,” he says, “I have officially become irrelevant.” Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“You made her with me,” she says, “you’ll never be irrelevant.”

“I don’t know,” he says, “she is cuter than me.”

“Stop competing with a baby,” Yuugao says, still smiling. All the feel good, baby-bonding hormones are going straight to her brain. She’s sore and tired, but there is very little that could make her upset right now. “Besides, you’ve seen me shit on a table, what, four times now?” Raidou snorts, reaching his hands out for their daughter.

“I’ve seen so much worse.” The understatement of the century. Yuugao leans forward and places their daughter in his arms, and her hospital gown makes a noise as it brushes against his flak jacket (he had, of course, been about to go into work when her contractions started). Yuugao tucks her hair behind her ears as she sits back and looks at Raidou smile at their daughter. “I always forget how little they are,” he says. Their daughter yawns, and Raidou feels his heart melt a little more.

“She looks like you,” Yuugao says.

“Nah, she’s too cute,” he replies, smiling when the baby stares up at him. Yuugao moves so she can sit right beside him, her leg pressed to his, with her head on his shoulder. She places her hand over the hand he uses to support their baby’s head and neck.

“She frowns just like you and Kari,” Yuugao says lovingly. While he completely understands and shares Yuugao’s bottomless love for their children, Raidou can’t fathom how much she loves him.

“Kari is pretty,” he says.

“Because she looks like she came out of you,” Yuugao says. Raidou hums.

“I’m not that cute,” he says. Yuugao presses her mouth to the shell of his ear, a gesture of tenderness.

“You’re really handsome, and this little baby is going to be so pretty, because she looks just like you,” Yuugao says. “You gave me four perfect babies.”

“You grew ‘em,” he murmurs, enthralled by the baby in his arms.

“And I got two little Raidous,” she hums.

“And two little Yuugaos. It’s a perfect split,” he says. “We aren’t going to do this again, are we?”

“Have another baby? No, I don’t think we will,” she says quietly, “we’d be pushing our luck. Maybe we’d get an evil baby if we had more.”

“An evil baby,” he hums, “I suppose you’re right. And Yamato and Genma won’t be happy if we keep shoving them down our list of priorities.” Kurenai and Mirai have an untouchable, permanent place on that list.

“Speak for yourself,” Yuugao says, “Yamato is the apple of my eye.”

“Were you there when Genma asked if we were trying to make our own Anbu team?”

“And you told him to be less needy?” she asks, “yes, I was there.”

“He’s so…”

“Worried, I think,” she says, “I think Genma gets worried, and it comes out as passive aggression.” Raidou frowns and turns to look at Yuugao, nose to nose.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I watch and listen,” she says, “he’s a good guy who worries about his friends’ kids and wants them to be safe and happy.”

“If only he knew how you see him,” Raidou says. Yuugao smiles.

“He would be Team Yuugao in a heartbeat,” she says, “like Yamato. He would leave you and Kurenai in the dust.” Raidou smiles.

“I called your parents. They should be here soon.” Raidou looks down at their last little baby. “Have you thought of a name?”

“Not really,” she says, “have you?”

“No,” he says, “I’ve just been calling her Baby in my head.”

“Same here,” Yuugao says, “we should figure that out soon.”

“It needs to be something easy,” he says, “something short.” Hikari, Kitaro and Nozomi are long, but they lend themselves to Kari, Taro and Mimi. Raidou wants a name that doesn’t require a nickname.

He has an idea, but right as he opens his mouth, her parents come in, and he soon forgets the name on the tip of his tongue.

**

When they leave the hospital the next day, Yuugao’s stomach still swollen and the place between her legs still tender, both she and Raidou hope that the kids will be calm and quiet when they meet their new sister. Raidou calls ahead of time, and he carries the baby and the bag back from the hospital while Yuugao walks beside him. He said he could get the car, but she insisted on walking. She doesn’t like being immobile for long. They didn’t run into anyone they know, but it still took a long time because Yuugao would make them stop and fuss with the baby carrier or simply set her hand on the baby’s stomach.

They’re back at noon. When Raidou sets the baby carrier on the floor, and it makes a soft noise—not a thud, but nonetheless, audible. It’s Taro that comes first, running from the living room.

“MOMMY,” he squeals, drawing out the ‘O.’ He ignores Raidou, more or less, as he wraps himself around Yuugao’s leg. He looks up at her in simple-minded adoration, the way he always does. Yuugao smiles and bends at the waist, because it hurts to kneel or squat.

“Baby,” she says, smiling when he puts his palm to her face. “Do you want to meet your little sister?” Taro looks over his shoulder, at the little pink blob in the baby barrier. He looks back at his mother, and then up at his father, and then back at the baby, before he walks over to the carrier. He doesn’t say anything, putting his face right up to hers while his parents take their shoes off.

“Hi,” he says softly. The baby’s lips twitch, and her eyes open lazily. He looks up to say something to his parents, when Kurenai comes in, Mirai and Kari following her.

Mirai walks up to the carrier and kneels down in front of it. The baby gives her an unimpressed look before closing her eyes. “She was inside of you?” Mirai asks, looking up at Yuugao. She smiles and nods.

“Everyone was inside someone’s tummy,” Yuugao says, “even you, Mirai.” Kurenai walks up to Raidou, smiling.

“You look awful,” she says. His hair is sticking up at strange angles and he keeps rubbing his neck like he slept on it funny. “Yuugao is the one who gave birth.”

“Yeah, but she’s like, mega pretty compared to me,” Raidou yawns big, “give me a break.” Kari stands behind Mirai, glowering at the baby.

“She’s kinda ugly,” Kari says, arms crossed.

“She looks just like you did,” Raidou said, “same scrunched up face and everything.” Kari frowns.

“We should send her back,” she says, walking over to Raidou.

“No, we aren’t going to do that,” he sighs, kneeling down. Kari puts her hands on his knee and tilts her head.

“Why?” she asks.

“Because she’s a member of the family,” he says, brushing her bangs straight. “She’s not like Genma, we can’t just kick her out.” Kari giggles, and he smiles down at her. Yuugao steps back to take in this family moment, when she realizes someone is missing.

“Where’s Mimi?” she asks, “Mimi?” she calls. Raidou frowns and stands up, relaxing when Mimi appears, her little hand clenched in a fist. Yuugao and Raidou both sigh with relief; it’s not unexpected that she would be the last one to show up, but it’s always unnerving to not know where your kid is.

Mimi’s face is serious, her mouth in a small line. She looks like Yuugao, but she has Raidou’s intense stare, and if she weren’t a toddler wearing a pink dress, she’d be intimidating. Mirai moves to allow Mimi to stand at the baby’s feet. Mimi is a strange kid, in the sense that she, more often than not, is indifferent to almost everything. She’s not particularly childlike, in any sense of the word.

She smiles down at the baby and sets her fist on the blanket. “Here,” she says softly, moving her hand to reveal the delicate, curled posture of a dead house spider. Everyone stares at it, while Mimi smiles. It appears to have died a natural death, i.e., Mimi didn’t hunt it down herself. Kurenai, who hates spiders, winces, while Raidou’s jaw hangs. Yuugao is blinking, hand over her mouth, while Kari and Taro stare at the spider. Mirai, the only one who hasn’t been struck dumb, turns to Mimi.

“Why did you give the baby a dead spider?” she asks. Mimi grins.

“It’s for good luck,” she replies, smiling.

**

Okay, so—baby number four, while far from a mistake (could _never_ be a mistake), is creating the kind of social conditions that would drive any sane person to the breaking point. It has been two weeks, and Raidou and Yuugao are both exhausted. Yuugao’s parents and Yamato and Kurenai are always fluttering around, but that doesn’t change the fact that, at the end of the day, there are two kids for each parent, and one of those kids is a newborn. Genma keeps catching Raidou nodding off at work and has told him to just go on paternity leave, _you are useless anyway_. Yuugao went to the bathroom and fifteen minutes later, Kurenai found Yuugao sitting on the floor, head in her hands, crying.

The reason for all of this excess stress is that their sweet little baby hates being held by anyone but Yuugao or Raidou. No one knows why, as she should be far from the stage of development where she realizes that her parents are particular people, but here they are. She fusses with Kurenai and Yamato. She frowns and makes a gagging noise with Yuugao’s parents. Genma held her, and she screamed so loud that Yuugao immediately snatched her away and Raidou apologized. Aoba and Kakashi straight up refuse to touch her, and Guy politely declines.

The sleeping situation is even worse. Both Raidou and Yuugao need to be with the baby, so that they can take turns waking up and dealing with her. But she is very fussy at night, and Raidou is still working and Yuugao is at home with two children all day while Kari is at school, so not only are they exhausted but they can’t ever seem to catch up on the sleep they miss out on. Yuugao is convinced that Raidou’s snoring has gotten worse, while he thinks that she’s just so sleep-deprived that any noise is keeping her awake. There isn’t anything either of them can do, because Raidou isn’t about to leave Yuugao alone with their newborn and she really doesn’t like sleeping without him.

To add to the chaos of the last two weeks, not only is the baby still without a name (because Raidou and Yuugao barely have the braincells to function, let alone come up with one) but Kari and Taro are acting out. Four times now, Raidou has gone to wake Kari up for school, only to discover that she had wet the bed. She is always a little embarrassed, and he is very understanding, but it’s just one more thing that he ends up needing to deal with before he takes her to school. Taro is even worse. He insists on sleeping between Yuugao and Raidou, and after two nights of waking up to his son’s knees digging into his back, Raidou decided to just take him back to his bed. When Taro woke up the next day and realized he was in his own bed, he pitched a Kari-level tantrum at the betrayal. He came running into his parents’ room, on a Saturday morning, sobbing and reaching up for Yuugao, who sighed and pulled him up onto the bed with her. He stuffed his face into her neck and cried, while she patted his back, trying to go back to sleep.

But when Taro screams, Kari is never far behind. She walked into Yuugao and Raidou’s room, and climbed up on the bed, over Raidou, who grunted when her little knee dug into his stomach, and kneeled at the end of the bed, looking down into the crib. Her little sister, sleeping peacefully, while Taro was crying and her parents both husks, made Kari irrationally angry. She glowered at her sister, willing her to open her eyes, while Raidou sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. No one notices, but Mimi walks in quietly, standing at the door, watching Kari watch the baby.

In her little hands, Mimi is holding a small glass jar, with the dead spider she gave the baby for good luck. She doesn’t throw tantrums, but she insisted that the little spider corpse needed to be kept, even after Yuugao told her that the baby was too little to appreciate such a gift. No one could come up with a satisfying reason to throw it away, so Raidou just stuck it in a clear glass jar, and she decided to just carry it around. She has since collected three more dead spiders, all curled and deceased before she found them. When asked why she collects them, she always has the same answer: _I’m saving good luck for my baby sister_. Raidou had no idea there were so many house spiders and has become ever more vigilant, despite the extreme exhaustion, and if it weren’t for several other concerned adults and his body’s own physical limits, he’d be up all night looking for spiders.

Mimi looks at Kari intently, holding her little jar, ignoring their yawning father and crying brother and sleeping mother. Kari doesn’t see Mimi, as she leans over the crib and frowns at the baby.

“I hate you,” she says, “it’s all your fault.”

“I hate you more,” Mimi says, walking towards the crib, looking right at Kari. Raidou, who has only just woken up, thinks he is just delirious from a lack of sleep until he blinks his eyes open and grabs Kari before she can lunge at Mimi, who stands peacefully by the baby’s crib.

This all happened this morning, and Raidou somehow calmed Kari down. He is fuzzy on the details, since he is the kind of sleep-deprived that messes with one’s ability to form short-term memories. Yuugao is upstairs napping with the baby, while Kari and Taro are with their grandparents. Mimi decided to spend the day with him, which makes him feel special. He is unloading the dishwasher while she colors at the table, humming to herself, her jar of dead spiders right there, when Genma and Aoba let themselves in. Raidou sighs deeply, visualizing all the things he would rather do than entertain Aoba and Genma for a few hours, and holds on to those images as he turns around and smiles.

Genma can tell, straight away, that Raidou is in a mood. It’s in the tense way his lips curve up, and his eye twitches.

“You look terrible,” Genma says, walking over to the kitchen table. Aoba salutes Raidou, some sort of boardgame under his arm. “Have Kurenai or Yamato come over yet to remind you and Yuugao to shower?”

“Clearly not,” Raidou says, turning back to the dishwasher. Mimi blinks at Aoba, who sits next to her and pulls out a plastic baggie. He sets it on the table, and inside are two dead moths, three dead flies and one dead spider.

“For your collection,” Aoba says. Mimi smiles and passes him her jar. He unscrews it and opens the baggie, taking hold of a moth.

“Only the spider,” Mimi says, “please.”

“Just the spider?” Aoba asks, “what about the moths and the flies?”

“I only want spiders,” Mimi replies. Genma snorts, loudly, which gets a glare from Raidou, but Aoba plays along.

“But what about these bugs that Anko and I found?” he asks, “won’t they be lonely?”

“Genma can have them,” Mimi says, “or you can put them under the plants.” Aoba sighs and puts the dead spider in the jar and gets up to empty the baggie into the pot of a snake plant. When he sits back at the table, Mimi stares at him until he remembers to close the jar. Genma watches this scene while Raidou begins to load the dishwasher.

Raidou pauses to stretch up, yawning, which is when Genma decides to start talking. “Remember when times were simpler?”

“Simpler?” Raidou asks, “we fought in a war when we were kids.” Genma makes a face, but he continues.

“Think about it—Asuma and Hayate were alive, Ibiki would spend time with us, Kakashi wasn’t Hokage, Guy wasn’t busy, you weren’t a boring dad—”

“What do you two want?” Raidou asks. “I don’t have the energy to guess what kind of petty fuckery—”

“Language!” Aoba squawks, making Mimi smile. Raidou frowns.

“My point stands.”

“Well, Aoba and I thought it’d be fun to drink a few beers and try and contact Asuma and Hayate in the afterlife,” Genma says. Aoba holds up the boardgame.

“And voilà,” Aoba says, shaking the box. Raidou sighs when he realizes that they brought a Ouija board into his house.

“You want me—”

“And Kakashi, Guy and Ibiki,” Aoba adds.

“You want us to get drunk and contact the dead.” Raidou doesn’t know why he’s surprised, when he’s seen both Aoba and Genma do stupid, poorly conceived things plenty of times before. It was Aoba who got Genma to push him down a big hill in a shopping cart. “Can’t you two just let them know peace?”

“I, for one, would love to know what Hayate thinks of you and Yuugao.” Genma grins at the sour look on Raidou’s face.

“I truly do not care what he thinks, Genma,” Raidou starts putting the cutlery away, trying not to think about how much he actually does care. _Sorry for having a family with your soulmate, Hayate_. Except, Raidou isn’t really sorry about any of it at all. He will not apologize for helping to bring four little people into this world.

“If you don’t care, why won’t you help us?” Aoba asks. Raidou frowns.

“I have an exhausted partner, three children under the age of eight, a newborn baby and four goldfish to take care of. I haven’t slept properly in two weeks. I don’t have time for any of this.” Raidou closes the cutlery drawer on one of his fingers and grunts, shaking out his hand.

“You always ruin our fun,” Aoba hums, “personally, I think you and Kakashi especially need this kind of thing.”

“Maybe they have baby name ideas,” Genma says. Raidou sighs.

“They are doing sweet fuck all.” He frowns when Aoba hisses out another _language!_

“Why do you say that?” Genma asks.

“Because that’s what I’d do if I were dead,” Raidou says, “I would sit back, drink beer, and do nothing.” Probably stick his hand down his pants too, if he were alone.

“I bet they watch our lives like we’re a television show,” Aoba says, “Raidou, do you think they’ve watched you and Yuugao do it?”

“Really?” Raidou asks, looking at Mimi. Genma smiles and crosses his arms, waiting for the fun to start.

“What do you and Mommy do?” Mimi asks in her pixie voice. Raidou sighs, while Aoba and Genma grin at him.

“I can’t believe she’s only two,” Genma says. Mimi blinks at Raidou in her intense way, which he recognizes to be his own intense way of looking at the world.

“Nothing interesting,” Raidou says, trying to look for a diplomatic response, “we watch movies, when you aren’t around.”

“What movies?” Mimi asks. Aoba puts his face into his elbow, while Genma smirks.

“Boring ones,” Raidou replies, “very boring ones.” Mimi nods, appearing to accept this answer.

Before Genma or Aoba can say anything more, Yuugao walks into the kitchen, holding the little baby. “Hi,” she says, “I didn’t know you two were coming over.”

“They want me to help them raise the dead.” Raidou says, loading a plate into the dishwasher. Yuugao frowns.

“Why would you want to do that?” she asks.

“To ask Asuma and Hayate if there’s beer in the afterlife,” Genma says, “because if there isn’t, I’m not going.” Yuugao blinks but says nothing, deciding to just let Aoba and Genma have their fun.

**

Another two weeks pass, and Raidou and Yuugao still walk amongst the land of the sane. They don’t know if they have actually adjusted, or if they, like many parents of young children, have just learned to accept living a bare life for the next few months. Kari has stopped wetting the bed and Taro is no longer as needy as he was. That’s not to say that Kari likes her little sister or that Taro isn’t trying to be close to Yuugao. They have both accepted, in their own ways, that the baby isn’t going anywhere.

The baby is still nameless, and it’s gotten to the point where everyone is more than a little fed up with having to constantly refer to her as ‘the baby,’ instead of using a name. Today, Genma declared that it is time to sit Yuugao and Raidou down and force them to choose a name. Aoba bought three books, Kurenai brought snacks for the children, and Kakashi agreed to be the tie-breaker, if one is needed. Guy is spending the day with his former genin, while Shizune and Anko are out on missions.

Ibiki never called Aoba back, which means that he is busy and really, cannot be bothered right now. On the other hand, if people were serious about getting Ibiki there, Kurenai would have called, but she and Genma decided early on that everyone there should be people who would insist that a name had to be chosen that day. Guy believes in manifesting, which means he would just tell Raidou and Yuugao to wait for a sign. Ibiki and Anko don’t believe in convention and would probably find it very funny to know a baby without a name. Kurenai and Genma mean business, Aoba and Yamato are here for support, and as previously mentioned, Kakashi is just the tie-breaker (in truth, Shizune, Guy, Ibiki or Anko could have had that job, but Kakashi just happened to have the earliest availability—and by that, he was walking down the street, minding his own business when Kurenai found him).

Yuugao and Raidou, who, being parents of young children, are extraordinarily patient despite their friends’ numerous irritating whims, are sitting on a couch, taking it all in. Raidou is holding the baby, who is currently asleep, while Taro sits at Yuugao’s feet, playing with blocks. Yamato sits beside her, thumbing through one of the books Aoba bought, frowning as he realizes how few names there are that he actually likes. On the other couch, Aoba and Genma sit with Mirai and Kari wedged between them. Mirai is looking through one of the books Aoba bought; she’ll nudge him in the ribs when she has found a name that she thinks is cute, and then he’ll say it out loud. Kari, who is less than impressed, is leaning on Genma, brushing the flaxen mane of her toy horse, Nibbles (it’s a North American toy that Aoba’s mother bought when she was in Canada—she bought one for Mirai too. She didn’t bother with Mimi, who has beheaded all of her dolls). Genma is chewing on his senbon, holding different brushes for Kari. There are artificial hairs all over his pant leg, but in terms of indignities, this is pretty minor, so Genma leaves them there.

Across from them, Kurenai sits on an armchair, her legs tucked up, reading another name book. Beside her, Kakashi sits in the other armchair, reading his book. Mimi sits on the arm of his chair, staring intently at the goldfish, as the tank is right beside her. Her jar of dead spiders is on Kakashi’s thigh, next to a second, clear jar with the curled corpse of a millipede resting inside. She found it this morning and asked Raidou for a jar politely, while the rest of the family (except the baby, who was nursing) stared in shock and horror. She then spent the whole day carrying her jars with her, no matter what anyone said; they were at the table, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the living room; just everywhere.

And then, Kakashi walked into the house, late as always, and Mimi beamed at him, and held out the jar with the millipede. _Here_ , she said in her little baby voice. Kakashi took the jar from her hand and looked at it, amused when he realized what was inside of it. _Is this for me?_ Mimi nodded her head, still grinning. He suspects that she recognizes that he is the only one who has any sense of her overall vision, so she dotes on him. Her gift is her acknowledgement of his superior intellect, although, he suspects, she still thinks he is inferior to her. _Fair enough_. He respects her vision.

The baby still screams when anyone but Raidou or Yuugao hold her. She lets Taro touch her belly or ‘check for potatoes’ behind her little ears, and she lets Mimi and Kari hold her feet and hands, but that is about it.

“Maybe we should name her Crybaby,” Kari says, frowning as she tries to pull her brush through a snag in the toy horse’s mane.

“Yeah,” Genma says, which gets a giggle out of Kari and a side eye out of Raidou.

“No,” Raidou says, “we will not name her Crybaby.”

“What about Kana?” Aoba asks, looking at the name Mirai is pointing at.

“It sounds cold,” Yuugao says, looking over at the baby. “She’s not a cold person, not even a little.” She places her hand on her daughter’s belly, while Raidou looks down at her.

“Not cold at all,” he says.

“What about Emi?” Kurenai suggests.

“Too much like Mimi,” Kakashi says. Everyone looks at him, surprised that he was paying attention.

“Yuki or Sakura are pretty,” Kurenai suggests.

“Predictable,” Genma says, “every anime has a Sakura or a Yuki.” Mirai nudges Aoba, who looks down at the book page.

“Miwa?” he asks.

“It’s pretty,” Raidou says. Yuugao nods.

“Very pretty.” But not quite right.

“Ren?” Yamato suggests. Raidou makes a face like he’s tasted something bad, and Yuugao frowns.

“Too slick,” she says. She and Raidou have both agreed that there is no way that this baby is going to have a career like either of theirs. She’s too soft, compared to Kari and Mimi. She’ll probably be like Taro, actively contributing to society through good deeds.

“Rika is pretty,” Kurenai hums.

“It’s fine,” Raidou says.

“I think it’s a possibility,” Yuugao says. “Is your name Rika?” she looks down at the baby, who blinks back at her with Raidou’s eyes. The baby makes a very Raidou expression, that is, she looks deeply unimpressed. “I don’t think she likes it.”

“Well, what are you two looking for?” Kurenai asks. It’s frustrating, coming up with names and having them shot down. Raidou and Yuugao look at each other, thinking.

“Something short,” Raidou says, “pretty and soft.”

Mirai turns a few pages, scanning for a name she saw earlier. When she finds it, she elbows Aoba, who grunts, having forgotten that this was the system he agreed to.

“What?” he asks. Mirai holds up the page, her little finger beside her chosen name.

“Haru?” Aoba asks. Yuugao tilts her head, thinking. Raidou blinks, remembering the name he had thought of at the hospital.

“Mirai, you reminded me of the name I’ve been thinking of,” he says, “what about Hana?” Mirai scans the page of the book, and nudges Aoba so he will read out the meaning.

“She wants you to know that it means flower,” he says.

“I want them to know that it’s pretty,” Mirai corrects him. Asuma used to correct Aoba like that too, and it makes his heart both hurt and melt, in the sense that it hurts that Asuma is gone but it is also good to know that someone like him is around.

“Fine. It’s _pretty_ ,” Aoba says.

“And easy. Mimi, can you say Hana?” Genma asks. Mimi turns to him and blinks.

“Hana,” she says in a flat voice, before turning back to the fish.

“I’m pretty sure Mimi thinks you’re a lower lifeform,” Aoba says. Genma frowns.

“I can’t win with these kids,” he says, “none of them love me.”

“I love you!” Mirai says, beaming at him. She is jolly, the way Asuma was when they were small, and it touches Genma’s cold, dead heart that she would say something so kind to him.

“You’re fine,” Kari says dismissively, not even looking up. Aoba and Mirai giggle at the same time, which sours Genma’s mood.

“What does a man have to do to get some respect around here?” Genma asks.

“Housework,” Kurenai says, “you should see Raidou and Yamato when they clean. These kids know what competence looks like.” It’s true. One time, Kurenai walked in on Raidou and Yamato cleaning behind the oven at 8 a.m., when she came over to get Kari for school. _Mess never sleeps or rests!_ Raidou had said, which is when Kurenai forced the two of them to take the day off. Just today, Yuugao had to talk them out of tearing the deck up and replacing it, because Yamato doesn’t like how the wood looks and Raidou is convinced a small family of some kind of vermin, probably rodent, is living under there.

“It’s true,” Aoba says, “Raidou and Yamato are always busting their asses—”

“Language!” Mirai and Kari say at the same time, imitating the way Aoba will stick his finger up over his lips. He grins.

“Doesn’t count when it’s me, because _I_ made the rule,” Aoba says, “that’s how the world works, amigos.”

“Amigos,” Taro says to himself, placing one block upon another. “Amigos, amigos, amigos.”

“Mes amis en français,” Aoba says.

“How many languages do you know?” Kari asks, shifting in her seat and elbowing Genma in the process.

“Five,” Aoba says, “and I’ll teach you all the bad words first.” Mirai and Kari grin up at him, while all the other adults in the room (minus Kakashi who, like Mimi, is minding his own business) glare at him.

**

Yuugao doesn’t bother looking up when Raidou walks back into the living room. Everyone is gone, and all three of the kids (even Mimi) were exhausted and ready for bed. They all slumped up the stairs as soon as Raidou said the word ‘bed,’ something that has never happened before. Yuugao stayed in the living room, where it’s just her, the baby, and the fish, to breastfeed. The baby has trouble latching if there is a lot of noise; she’s very quiet and introverted. Kari is a little shy with strangers and Mimi is aloof, but this little girl is a genuine introvert.

It takes a while for personalities to manifest but Yuugao is an attentive mother, and she can feel each of her children in her heart, and she has been able to accurately predict how they will react to things in a way that constantly surprises Raidou. _How did you know?_ He has asked this question more times than she can count, and the only answer she has is a smile and a shrug.

Raidou smiles and sits on the couch beside her. He looks down at the baby and feels his heart grow, big. “Hana,” he says softly. “I thought of that name in the hospital.”

“Hana,” Yuugao hums, “it’s a cute name.”

“Cute baby, cute name,” Raidou shrugs, face softening when Yuugao looks back at him.

“Hana,” she says, “that’s a really good name.”

“So, that’s her name?” he asks. Yuugao smiles at him, before turning back to look at their daughter.

“Yes,” she says softly, “her name is Hana.”

**

Hana lies in a tub in the kitchen sink, smiling up at Yuugao, waving her hands up in the air. Yuugao smiles down at her, listening to Hana babbling. “I know, I know,” she says, running a hand over Hana’s wet hair. Hana chirps in response, as Taro, who stands on a stool beside Yuugao, little hands on the kitchen counter, stares at his baby sister. On the counter in front of him is a bin of all the things needed to clean Hana in the sink: her baby wash, cloths, a towel, a few toys. He has appointed himself as Yuugao’s very special helper, carrying everything she or the baby could need. He keeps granola bars and toys in his little pockets and helps carry things, like Hana’s bath supplies, wherever they are needed. Kari and Mimi have never shown any interest, but whenever Raidou or Yamato try to take his place, Taro gets very quiet and frowns until they notice and get out of his way.

“Why do you wash her in the sink?” he asks in his tiny voice, looking up at Yuugao. She turns to look at him, smiling.

“Because she’s too little for the bathtub,” Yuugao turns her attention back to Hana, as Taro curls a strand of Yuugao’s hair around his fist. “I used to wash you in the sink too.”

“Really?” he asks.

“Uh huh,” she hums, washing Hana’s tummy. “you were actually the littlest baby.”

“No way,” he says, “I don’t believe you.”

“Yeah way,” she says. Taro looks up at her like she is a star. Hana sticks her fist in her mouth. “You know, you all stuck your fists in your mouths the same way. Thumb tucked into the right hand, too. You all did it the same.” She looks down at her son, who is smiling up at her.

“All of us?”

“All four.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little fluffy update! I hope you like it-the below note is long and sort of pointless, so I thought I'd say thank you for reading now, I very much appreciate it, especially since there are so many more entertaining things to do in this world. Thank you! 
> 
> Okay, so, because half of the reason I wrote this story is because I think the idea that people as grumpy looking as Raidou and stoic as Yuugao having children together is really funny. There are four pictures of them in particular (mostly Raidou, but one Yuugao) that I had in mind whenever I was describing the kid's expressions.
> 
> This is what I was thinking of whenever Kari mean mugs someone: https://www.glitter-graphics.com/graphics/471974
> 
> This is how Taro looks at Yuugao whenever she comes into the room: https://64.media.tumblr.com/3ae02dc67ee3a46eb6df870a2b56e72a/tumblr_p2w82rGknD1w7kcp9o1_500.png
> 
> This is Mimi looking in silent judgment as she PUSHES Mirai, Taro and Kari down the stairs: https://www.deviantart.com/maxiuchiha22/art/Yugao-Uzuki-render-Naruto-Mobile-789917439
> 
> This is how Mimi looked at Aoba when she was waiting for him to close the jar/ Kari whenever someone fucks up her day/ Hana when Yuugao asked her if her name is Rika. https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fpbs.twimg.com%2Fmedia%2FEUW3hJVUcAAOO_x.png&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2Ftwtnarutomy%2Fstatus%2F1244602806847209475&tbnid=tjvUIkeIi1WvxM&vet=12ahUKEwiBpN3456PvAhXnlYQIHReqBAUQMygKegUIARCmAQ..i&docid=PYqTt03ggWJjvM&w=800&h=540&q=raidou%20naruto&client=safari&ved=2ahUKEwiBpN3456PvAhXnlYQIHReqBAUQMygKegUIARCmAQ
> 
> This is one of those rare times that there are pictures that show the vision so, I thought I'd share. Thanks again!


	9. Common Era Part III

“It is life that justifies; it has no need of being justified”

Gilles Deleuze, “Bartleby; or, The Formula”

Another five months fly by, and soon, Hana is sleeping in her own room. She sleeps through the night, for the most part, which means that not only can Raidou and Yuugao sleep, it means they can also do the kinds of things that resulted in four babies. Yuugao is now the proud owner of a copper IUD, and she and Raidou have been putting it to good use at every opportunity.

Today, he came home at a reasonable hour, and helped her put the kids to bed, so it’s now 9 p.m. and their kids are all asleep. So, naturally, with nothing better to do, they are fooling around. Raidou, who, while, in many ways is still the same dummy who waited on Yuugao for over a year, is smart enough to lock their bedroom door. Mimi could probably pick it, but she minds her own business (unlike their other three children, one of whom is too small to be otherwise and the other two pathologically incapable of thinking before they get up and come to their parents’ room).

Raidou hovers over Yuugao, and she sighs when she feels his erection against her. Her little robe is pushed open, and he is butt-naked, with nothing but her legs around his waist. She arches her back, pressing her tummy to his while he kisses her jaw. Pregnancy and childbirth have made her softer; she has little silver lines on her tummy and hips, and her breasts sag a little. Raidou likes that she’s a little softer; he can’t really explain it. He looks at her and just feels melty. She once remarked that her stomach wasn’t flat anymore, and Raidou told her that he’d make out with it. _You had four of my babies_. As far as he is concerned, her body is holy ground.

Yuugao tightens her legs around him, her hands on his back. Her robe is a little, semi-sheer pink one that she’s had since way back when Hayate was alive. She only wears it so it can get ripped off, something Raidou hasn’t yet done.

“I have too many clothes on,” she hums. Raidou hums.

“You know, I agree,” he says, smiling when she doesn’t let him pull away. “You have to let go of me so I can get you naked.”

“You should work miracles for me,” she says. Raidou kisses her neck, and the tingle moves all the way up her neck and along her jaw.

“I can rip it off of you, but I don’t think you’d like that.” He says this with her carotid under his lips. Yuugao sighs.

“You’re right.” She lets him go and moves her arms out of the sleeves. She lies down and looks up at him, at his chin and nose and eyes. He isn’t a very happy looking person, but the soft look in his eyes when he stares into hers makes her feel very special and seen and wanted. She puts a hand on his cheek and rubs a thumb over his cheekbone. “I’m naked now,” she says softly.

“I know,” he presses his forehead to hers. Their noses are pressed to the other’s cheeks, their mouths just a little bit apart, lips parted as he enters her, and she lifts her hips to meet his. He starts moving, nice and slow, just to see what she’ll do, and she makes a noise in the back of her throat.

“You’re teasing me,” she says right into his mouth, and she feels him smile.

“Yeah,” he replies, “I am.”

“Shameless,” she sighs, sticking two of her fingers in her mouth. Raidou watches very intently, with a focus she has only previously seen when he’s on the job or keeping an eye on their kids in the playground. She sucks on her fingers a little, winking obnoxiously as he continues to move slowly, although she’s not sure if it is intentional or because he’s so focused on her fingers. She opens her mouth and moves her fingers to her clit and starts touching herself.

“That’s cheating,” he says. Yuugao lies back and smiles at him.

“Are you mad?” she asks in an innocent voice. Raidou shakes his head, moving a little faster now, a little stronger.

“Opposite,” he replies, “I like watching you touch yourself.” The thing about Raidou is that, as a serious, disciplined person, he doesn’t say he likes things when he doesn’t, and when he likes something enough to comment on it, that means he really _likes_ that something.

“I’m doing it because I’m yours,” she says in a quiet voice, arching into him and her hand.

 _I’m yours_. She’s never said something like that before. He doesn’t think of women as property and he really is against it as a principle, now that he has three daughters, but hearing Yuugao say she’s his short circuits his brain. For a very long time, he was always a little insecure that he was second place, that she was, in some ways, settling for him. Kurenai always tells him to stop thinking poorly of himself and Genma tells him that you don’t have four babies with someone you’re _settling_ for. He’s never doubted that she loves him a whole lot and cares for him a great deal but hearing _I’m yours_ is incredibly gratifying.

Raidou kisses her deep, swallowing the noises she makes when he decides to cut to the chase and remind her why she asked him to put four babies in her. Yuugao pulls away from him when she fingers herself into an orgasm, and he watches her expose her throat and the underside of her chin, the big inhale and a string of fucks as he helps her ride it out. She’s careful to be quiet, which is hotter than her being unable to contain herself. He gets a kick out of watching the struggle of feeling so good and not being able to fully express it. It hurts her guts, to contain the noise she really wants to make. Raidou makes sure that he hits every spot, and before the first one really subsides, the second is on the way.

Yuugao sits up on an elbow and sticks the fingers that were between her legs into Raidou’s mouth, and she’s taken back to the first night they were together, when he stared into the backs of her eyes, as he sucks on her fingers while looking right inside of her brain. It’s the kind of naked, raw intimacy that makes her declare that she belongs to him.

Raidou thinks it’s funny and kind of pervy, the way the tip of Yuugao’s little pink tongue sticks out of her mouth, but it’s also really hot, so he doesn’t laugh. She pulls her fingers out of his mouth, taking his cheek in her hand and kissing him. He doesn’t mind that she got his own spit on his face. She pulls back and gazes into his eyes, biting her lower lip, feeling him move in deeper and deeper.

Her second orgasm comes when she feels him right in her guts, but she keeps her eyes open so she can watch the moment he follows her, eyes wide, and she puts her mouth over his to swallow the noises he makes.

**

Mimi doesn’t cry. She glowers, stomps her foot, sticks out her lower lip. But she never cries or raises her voice. It’s not that she’s being ladylike, so much as she is doesn’t seem to see the point in crying. Kari will throw tantrums and Taro expresses all of his feelings and Hana cries, but Mimi is stoic. One time, Raidou forced her to take a bath and she sat there, not actively resisting but certainly not helping, her arms crossed with a sour look on her face.

She’s sitting beside Hana, who is lying on her back on the floor. Mimi doesn’t directly interact with Hana, so much as she sits beside her and watches her. The most she will do is place her hand on Hana’s tummy when she fusses and tells her that she’s fine.

Yuugao is folding laundry, watching her two daughters, side-by-side. Mimi sits up straight, wearing a baggy purple dress, brushing the hair of a decapitated Barbie doll. She figured out how to pop dolls’ heads off herself. She is being quiet, while Hana squirms beside her, kicking her legs up in the air.

“What are you thinking about?” Yuugao asks. Mimi looks up at her, head tilted.

“Outer space,” she says softly, before looking down at her doll again. Raidou and Yuugao have started showing Kari some minor ninja tricks, just small things, like how to throw a kunai. Mimi got it right in two tries. She hits the target each time, even though she’s just shy of three. Kakashi says that they should see what else she can do, but Raidou and Yuugao are hesitant. She’s awfully young, and knowing how things work around here, there will be plenty of opportunities for her to throw sharp objects at targets, living, dead or inanimate.

“What’s your favorite planet?” Yuugao asks, “I like the Moon, but that isn’t a planet.” Mimi smacks her lips, thinking.

“I like Mars,” she replies, “it’s big and red.”

“That’s as good a reason as any,” Yuugao says. Mimi doesn’t say anything and concentrating and getting the snags out of the doll’s hair. Yuugao smiles, before turning back to her laundry.

**

Yuugao has Hana on her lap, her back against her stomach, holding her baby’s little foot in her hand, a pair of nail clippers in her other hand. Hana giggles and squirms, looking at Taro and Mimi, who are in the bathtub. Taro asked for bubble bath, so it’s what he got. He keeps piling bubbles on his and Mimi’s heads, while she sits beside him, staring at the red swirl on Yuugao’s right arm.

“Mommy,” Mimi says, “what’s that on your arm?” Yuugao looks down at her arm, frowning.

“You mean my tattoo?”

“What’s a tattoo?” Mimi asks, standing up in the tub and holding onto the edge.

“It’s a permanent mark. Someone took a needle and put a special kind of ink into my skin, so it’s always there.” Yuugao remembers how much it had hurt. She was told not to move her arm, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She had to go in for touch ups because the ink wouldn’t take, until someone lost patience and gauged her skin with the ink. It really, really hurt, and Yuugao doesn’t like to think about it.

“Why do you have it?” Mimi asks.

“I have it for work,” Yuugao hums, “I’m part of a special division.” She and Raidou are honest about their jobs, but they don’t go into the specifics. Mimi tilts her head, enthralled with the swirls.

“I want one,” she says.

“It hurt a lot,” Yuugao said, “it nearly made me cry.”

“Okay,” Mimi says, unconcerned.

“And you have to work very hard,” Yuugao says, “and even then, you may not be recruited.” Hana sticks her fist in her mouth, and Yuugao presses her hand into her soft tummy. Taro is singing to himself, while Mimi stares at the swirl on Yuugao’s arms.

“I want to be like you, Mommy,” Mimi says. Children always say things like that, because their parents are their only examples of adulthood. When Yuugao turns to look at Mimi, she can tell that Mimi actually knows what she is willing to sign up for.

**

Yuugao sits on the couch, Hana on her lap, Taro standing beside her, his head resting on her shoulder. They are waiting for Raidou, Kari and Mimi to smile for a family picture. It is not going well.

Yamato and Kurenai are standing there; Yamato is taking the picture and Kurenai’s one job is hold up a doll to get Hana to smile, which is pretty easy to do. Mirai is sitting on the couch, reading a book Shikamaru leant her, bored, waiting for this picture to be taken so she and Kari can go outside and explore.

Yuugao turns to Raidou, frowning. “I just want a nice family picture.”

“I think we all look nice,” he says, “we’re clean, and Mimi and Kari are pretty cute.” Mimi sits on his lap and nods, holding Hana’s jar of spiders, a collection that now totals in ten. Kari stands by Raidou’s shoulder, glaring at Taro, who looks like he is about to fall asleep.

“It takes no effort to smile!” Yuugao hisses.

“Taro looks pretty tired to me,” Raidou says. Yuugao glares at him.

“I just need the three of you to smile for a minute,” she says, “only a minute.”

“I would prefer not to,” Mimi says, in her small voice. Yuugao’s eye twitches, while Raidou pretends to cough. Kurenai turns around and presses her mouth into her elbow to keep from laughing. Yamato, who can see Yuugao’s patience wearing thin, keeps a neutral expression.

“Just smile, for me,” Yuugao says. Kari sighs loudly.

“Okay,” she says, “just for you.”

“See?” Yuugao says, “compromise is possible.” She says this in a pointed voice, directed at Raidou.

“Yeah, yeah,” he says, over it. Neither of them notices Mimi unscrew her jar and take the lid off. “Does that mean you’re going to smile?” Yuugao asks.

“Yes,” Raidou says, “Meems, you’re going to smile, right?” She nods so hard that her hair, cut in a bob, swings around her head.

“Okay, everyone, we’re going to smile, and then this will be over,” Yuugao says. Taro yawns and straightens up, smiling lazily. Everyone gets into position, Yamato behind the camera and Kurenai waving the doll. Everyone is smiling, and just as Yamato hits the button, Mimi jerks her hand up and all ten dead spiders go flying into the air. Yuugao, Taro, Kari and Raidou all close their eyes and turn away, while Yuugao uses her hand to protect Hana’s face. Mimi grins extra big for the camera, as the flash goes off. Kurenai drops the doll and covers her mouth, while Mirai and Yamato’s eyes are just big and wide. No one says anything for a second.

“What the hell?” Raidou says in a calm voice. He turns to look at Yuugao, whose eyes are wide. She takes her hand off of Hana’s face, and looks at Taro.

“Are you okay?” she asks, before turning to Kari. “Did any get on you?” Taro and Kari both shake their heads, pointing at Hana. Yuugao and Raidou both look down and realize why Kurenai and Yamato and Mirai look the way they do. On the back of her pudgy, little hand, a particularly large, black spider corpse lies. Hana looks at it, drooling, and they all know that she wants to put it in her mouth.

Before anyone can do anything, Mimi plucks the spider off of Hana’s hand. “No,” she says to her sister, “you can’t eat your luck.” Mimi drops the spider back into the jar. “Don’t move, please. I’ll collect them.” Mimi gets up, and everyone just sits there, frozen, as she finds all nine other corpses. She even found a new one under the couch.

She screws the jar shut, and waddles up to Raidou’s lap, hoisting herself up. “We can take the picture now,” she says. Mimi turns to look at the rest of her family, who are all still in shock. “Smile!” Mimi says in an authoritative voice. They all obey, and Yuugao gets the nice family picture she wanted.

**

Raidou’s number one regret in this life, if asked, is definitely the day he gave Genma a spare key and told him that he didn’t have to be a stranger. He doesn’t like to think of Genma being sad and alone, although now that he thinks about it, Genma has Kurenai to take pity on him. She has the space for him too.

Genma doesn’t drop in all the time, but he always has a way of coming in and messing with Raidou’s routine. Yuugao thinks it’s nice that Genma visits the kids, so she tells Raidou to stop being such a grouch, but it’s impossible not to be when Genma insists on interrupting the order of things. He’ll find bananas in the fridge, forks and spoons in the wrong spots, mail scattered along the table in the front hall.

Genma is sneaky too. Not only do he and Aoba do heavy lifting for Yuugao, but they also hang out with the kids if she has to do something and Raidou is out. Raidou is personally convinced that they do this to annoy him on purpose and to make sure that Yuugao calls him crazy for suspecting Genma of purposefully trying to mess with him. He feels like a conspiracy theorist, but he knows that Genma is up to something.

He dislocated his shoulder yesterday, and took enough benzos to knock out a horse, and is only just waking up. Raidou grunts at the pain, but gets up and puts his sling on, wrapping his blanket around his shoulders before he heads downstairs. His head feels fuzzy, and as a side-effect of the sleeping pills, he feels absolutely zero anxiety. His face is completely relaxed, and he thinks nothing of all the loud noise coming from the kitchen. Raidou walks in, and looks around, blinking.

Mirai is sipping a glass of orange juice, while Kari sticks a berry in her mouth. Both girls look over at Raidou and smile. Hana has her hand in her mouth, drooling, a yogurt like substance smeared across the table of her highchair. Taro turns around in his seat, standing up on his chair, waving at Raidou. Mimi sits there, coloring, minding her own business.

“Sit down on your chair, Taro,” Raidou says, walking over to him. Taro sits down immediately, but turns and looks over his shoulder, smiling. Raidou looks over in the kitchen, and blinks when he sees Tweedledee and Tweedledumb.

Aoba is whisking something in a bowl, while Genma is turning on the stove. Their mothers taught them how to cook, so that in and of itself doesn’t worry he him. He just wonders why, exactly, the two of them are here.

“Hello,” Raidou says.

“Hey,” Aoba says, “how’s your shoulder?”

“It’s fine,” Raidou says, pulling his blanket tighter around his shoulders. He’s wearing sweatpants and a sweater, but he’s still cold. Genma looks at him for a long moment.

“You look terrible,” Genma finally says, “like you slept funny.”

“I took some sleeping pills,” Raidou says, “I actually slept like a rock.” He didn’t even feel whenever Yuugao got under the covers, and he usually feels her cold feet at some point in the night. “What are you two doing here?”

“Kurenai and Yuugao needed to run some errands,” Genma goes looking for a pan.

“And Yamato is on a mission,” Aoba adds.

“And Guy promised Kakashi that they’d go to a matinee, whatever that is,” Genma says, pulling out a frying pan.

“Shizune is at work,” Aoba sets his bowl on the counter, and reaches for a loaf of bread.

“I don’t think Anko or Ibiki picked up,” Genma says.

“Oh, Yuugao would definitely call us before Anko,” Aoba opens the bag of bread, pulling out 5 slices. He drops them into the bowl and uses a whisk to press the bread into the bowl.

“Apparently, Yuugao didn’t bother trying to wake you up,” Genma says, “We could hear you snoring from down here.” Genma sets the frying pan on the stove and turns to the fridge. Raidou has known them for too long to be offended; they’ve all slept through each other’s snoring.

“You sleep like a man who has been worked to death,” Aoba says, “you should probably get that checked out.”

“Yeah, yeah, my body is falling apart,” Raidou yawns. He looks over at Taro, who has Hana’s little foot in his hand. She’s kicking her leg and giggling, smearing more yogurt on her face. “What are you doing with your sister’s foot?”

“Pulling her leg,” Taro laughs at his lame joke.

“When is breakfast going to be ready?” Mirai asks, putting her chin on her hand. Genma shrugs.

“Maybe I’ll starve you all to nothing,” he replies. Mirai frowns at him, and he sticks out his tongue.

“What are you two making?” Raidou asks, turning to look at them.

“French toast,” Mimi says in a quiet voice. Kari nods enthusiastically.

“We voted on it.” She wiggles in her seat, while Mirai drums her fingers on the tabletop.

“They chose the most complicated one,” Genma says, “I swear, if Aoba weren’t trying to prove that we’re good stepdad material, I would have just given them cereal.”

“Stepdad material?” Raidou snorts. Genma and Aoba both claimed to have seen their lives flash before their eyes when they found out Asuma and Kurenai made a baby, let alone when Yuugao told Raidou that she was pregnant. He knows for a fact that Aoba googled “easy ways to naturally lower sperm count” right after Yuugao announced their pregnancy.

“I call dibs on Yuugao,” Aoba says, raising the whisk in the air, somehow avoiding flinging egg everywhere. Raidou rolls his eyes. Never, in a million years, could he see Yuugao letting Aoba have sex with her.

“I can do no wrong in Kurenai’s eyes,” Genma shrugs, using a spatula to put butter on the frying pan.

“You two can come live with me,” Mirai says, raising both of her arms.

“Your mom is too bossy for me,” Aoba replies, “and I’d always be second to Genma.”

“Anko has spoiled you,” Genma clucks, “you can’t be second to anyone.” Aoba uses his fingers to put a piece of soggy bread onto the frying pan.

“Why settle for second when you can be someone’s first?” Aoba says.

“And you think Yuugao would put you first?” Genma cackles, “reach for the stars you land on a cloud, I guess.” The bread makes a sizzling noise when it hits the pan.

“No, I was referring to Anko,” Aoba says, picking up a second piece of bread.

“I will never stop laughing if you and Anko scramble your DNA,” Raidou says, “that kid would be a nightmare.”

“Spawn of Satan herself,” Genma hums. Aoba makes a face and says nothing. He has absolutely no interest in having a child, like, ever, but he won’t let slander against Anko slide.

“Anko isn’t Satan,” Aoba says, setting the bowl on the counter. “She’s the nicest girl I’ve ever met.” He thinks she would be a good mom, if she wanted to do it. Raidou goes to open his mouth, when Hana shrieks and throws a wad of yogurt onto Taro, who squawks. “I think your children are worse. There are too many of them.” Raidou sighs and gets up to get a napkin. He can’t exactly disagree.

**

Aoba loves his mother, but not enough to go ahead and make little Aobas for her. For the most part, she has accepted this, but on somedays, like today, when she makes cookies and sighs a lot, he knows that she wishes there were little people in her life.

Fortunately, Asuma and Raidou have given him the ultimate gift—children. Five, to be exact. Aoba hops the fence into Raidou’s yard and walks up to the door. Before he can even knock, the door opens, revealing Mirai and Kari, who are standing there, heads tilted identically. They like to play this game where one will copy the other, following the other around all day. They’ll even respond to the same name, just to be extra annoying.

“Mirai?” he asks. They both blink up at him, and he sighs. “Kari?”

“Yes!” They shout in unison, Mirai standing up straight in sync with Kari.

“Are either of your parents at home?” he asks. Mirai and Kari nod and scurry off, leaving Aoba at the door. He peeks in, and smiles when he sees Kurenai and Yuugao turn around the corner, Hana in the arms of the latter, gumming her fist and staring right at him.

“Hi Aoba,” Kurenai says, “what are you doing here?”

“I need to borrow a baby,” he says, “or a child.” Kurenai and Yuugao both blink at him, which is better than Raidou, who would close the door in his face.

“What?” Yuugao asks.

“My mom made cookies and I can tell that she’d prefer to give them to little kids rather than me,” he says, “I’m just trying to make my mom happy.” Kurenai and Yuugao look at each other, as Kari and Mirai run right up to him, wrapping their arms around his legs.

“I want to go! I want to go!” They are both shouting, smiling at him. Aoba grins; Asuma and Raidou _never_ made his life so easy.

“Perfect! You two are great,” he says, “get your shoes on and we’ll go.” He looks up as Mirai and Kari get their shoes on, and Kurenai and Yuugao look unimpressed with him.

“You can’t just pick and choose,” Kurenai says, “you have to wait for the other two.”

“The other two?”

“Taro and Mimi,” Mirai says, “Taro is in the washroom and Mimi is doing an experiment upstairs.”

“An experiment?” Yuugao asks, eyes wide. “Kurenai, could you please take Hana?” Kurenai opens her arms, and Yuugao passes Hana to her, before she goes up the stairs.

“Do I want to know?” Aoba asks. Kurenai shakes her head as Hana flops against her; it took a few months, but Hana now accepts Kurenai and Yamato when they pick her up, though she still screams when Genma tries.

“She melted a piece of candy with a flashlight, filled a plastic container with sand and made an ant farm,” Mirai says, “Kari and I found it when we were playing hide-and-seek!”

“She left it in the closet,” Kurenai says in a quiet voice, “she hid it so well, no one noticed. Raidou tore the place up.”

“One ant bit Taro,” Kari says.

“Fire ants,” Kurenai says. Aoba winces—he’s been bitten by fire ants. It is not a pleasant experience.

“Mimi is sneaky, isn’t she?” Aoba says, praying that she isn’t doing the kind of experiment that will require him to stick around and help clean up.

“You don’t even know the half of it,” Kurenai sighs, as they hear a loud thud from upstairs and the pit-patter of little feet, as Taro, whose cheeks are bulging like he’s a chipmunk, wearing only a t-shirt and his underwear and Mimi, who is dressed in a long purple dress and a cape, run down the stairs, Yuugao behind them.

“Don’t run with your mouth full, Taro!” Yuugao says, “get back here!” Mimi grabs Taro and yanks him along, a plastic bag of marshmallows in her other hand.

Yuugao frowns, before doing what Aoba and Genma refer to as ‘her Anbu shit,’ and lands on her feet, right in front of Taro and Mimi. She lets Mimi jump away, as she puts her hand out right in front of Taro’s little mouth.

“Spit, please,” she says.

“You’re ruining it!” Mimi shouts. How Raidou ended up with the hyperarticulate toddler, nobody knows, but it is an endless source of amusement for Aoba, who snickers at the enraged look on Mimi’s little face. Kurenai glares at him, adjusting her hold on Hana, as Kari and Mirai watch.

Taro opens his mouth, and coughs up a big, white, sticky mush that, if Aoba had to guess, had once been marshmallows. He’s not a parent but even he knows that stuffing a bunch of those in a little kid’s mouth is a choking hazard. It lands right on Yuugao’s palm, and she’s so hardcore she doesn’t even flinch as Taro spits out another wad. She then, carefully, opens his mouth and checks to see if there is anymore, before turning to Mimi. “What were you doing?”

“She wanted to see how many marshmallows would fit in my mouth,” Taro says, “right Mimi?”

“It could have been four,” she says, staring down Yuugao, who stands up, holding the marshmallow mush in one hand. She walks over to Mimi, holding her other hand out.

“May you please give me the marshmallows?” Yuugao asks, speaking with the dignified restrain of an Anbu captain.

“I would prefer not to,” Mimi replies, stepping back from her mother.

“Mimi,” Yuugao says, “please.”

“No,” Mimi replies, looking up from beneath her brow the way Yuugao does.

“Taro,” Yuugao says, “please go upstairs and put some pants on. Aoba, feel free to take Mirai, Kari and Taro to see your mother. Kurenai, I’m going to need you to keep an eye on Hana.” Aoba feels like he’s missing something, as he looks at the resigned expression on Kurenai’s face.

“What’s happening?” he asks.

“Mimi is going to be difficult,” Kurenai sighs, “Taro, go get ready.” The boy nods and scampers back up the stairs, Aoba only just then noticing the Hello Kitty bandage on his thigh.

It’s not until Aoba sees how fast and high Mimi can leap that Aoba appreciates how time consuming catching her is going to be.

**

No matter how many things change, the past is always in the present, and memories are always there. Hana sits in her highchair, hands covered in applesauce, smiling at Yuugao, who goes in to wipe her hands. Yuugao takes a tiny, pudgy wrist in her hands, while Hana gurgles.

“I know Hana,” she says, “applesauce is yummy.” Hana wiggles all over, which is how Yuugao knows she was right. Kari and Mimi are quietly coloring, while Taro is at the store with Raidou. He likes to carry groceries, and Raidou always gives him the lightest bag to carry home. It makes Taro feel proud, like a big boy. He does the same with Kurenai too—she actually comes over to take him grocery shopping, he’s so enthusiastic to help. He reminds her of Hayate, a little bit. Gentle, kind. It tugs at her heart, to think that she made someone like him.

To be clear, Yuugao still thinks about Hayate—not often, but not rarely. His picture is up, and his sword is in the back of the closet. She greets his parents when she sees them around town, and she visits the memorial stone.

Hana sticks her cleaned hand in her mouth, and Yuugao smiles. She still thinks about her vow of revenge; she thinks he’s happier that she chose this route instead. Daydream Hayate, whatever he was, was sad all the time because she was keeping him around. She was refusing to let go, which is not what he wanted, and not what she would want for him.

Knowing her children, she can say that she wouldn’t want to live in a world without them. She sometimes wonders how many things would stay the same, even ‘if things were different’ or ‘if only I had known.’ The answer is that none of it would be the same, and besides, you can’t survive on that. Things are what they are, there is no way to make them different, and there is no shame in liking how everything turned out. Hana smiles up at her, and Yuugao knows, even if given the chance, she wouldn’t change a thing. _Goodbye, Hayate_.

**

Guy bought Kari and Mirai several packages of temporary tattoos. Flowers, fairies, unicorns, bugs, abstract designs, demons, dragons, fish etc. Just an obnoxious amount, saying he found them at a good price and thought that Kari and Mirai would get a kick out of them.

The last twenty-four hours have been chaos. Kari and Mirai tried to stick a large dragon on Hana’s little tummy but ended up putting it on her back. Kari stuck a flower on Taro’s face, while Mirai put a spider on Mimi’s tummy. Raidou, Yuugao and Kurenai hadn’t been in the room for five minutes, and when they came back, Kari carried Hana, who was just wearing a diaper because her onesie had been taken off, while Mimi pulled her dress over her head. All five looked up at their parents with delight, while Raidou, Yuugao and Kurenai scrambled to find a way to spin this.

Kurenai now has a glittery fairy on her ankle, while Yuugao has a butterfly on the back of her hand. Raidou got a flower just like Taro on his neck; he is grateful that his uniform has a turtleneck. Kari has a rainbow on her forehead, while Mirai has a rabbit on her calf.

Raidou walks into his kitchen to find Aoba and Genma sitting there, each licking a popsicle, while Mirai and Kari each press a tattoo to their arms. Kari has placed flowers and bugs all over Aoba’s left arm, while Mirai has decided that Genma’s right arm should be covered in unicorns and dragons. Mimi sits there, coloring, while Taro slurps on his own popsicle. Hana is in a highchair beside Aoba, sticking Cheerios into her mouth and, okay, throwing them onto the floor.

“What are you two doing here?” Raidou asks. He knows Kurenai had to go into work today, which is why Mirai is here, but he thought Yuugao would be here.

“Supervising your children,” Genma deadpans.

“Yuugao had to go to the store and didn’t want to wake you up, so she called us,” Aoba says, “Yamato wants to try a new recipe and Yuugao went to pick up ingredients. By the way, you’re their test subject.” Aoba sucks on his popsicle.

“Why are you getting so many fake tattoos?” Raidou asks.

“To make them look tough.” Mirai says, “they aren’t scary at all!”

“Du-uh,” Kari drawls out, like Raidou is slow.

“Your dad is a dummy, isn’t he?” Aoba says. Kari giggles loudly, while Raidou rolls his eyes.

“Whatever,” he says, rubbing his face. Hana, at that moment, chooses to throw her plastic bowl of cereal to the ground, and it makes a loud noise that makes everyone jump.

“Hana,” Mimi says softly, “you shouldn’t do that.” Taro jumps into action, leaving his half-eaten popsicle on the tabletop. Kari reaches for it and tries to stick it in Aoba’s mouth. He doesn’t let her, and the half-melted popsicle falls off the stick and onto Aoba’s lap. He frowns while Kari ignores him.

“I’ll clean it!” Tari shouts, heading for the dustpan and brush. Raidou grabs some paper towel for Aoba, handing it off before picking the plastic bowl off of the floor. He nearly trips over Taro, who hums while he brushes up all of the Cheerios.

“I’m going to break my neck one of these days,” Raidou grumbles, walking to the sink.

“I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner, considering how chaotic everything is,” Genma says.

“The joys of parenthood,” Raidou sighs. He looks at Genma and Aoba and realizes that he has been left with seven children, instead of five.

**

Yuugao sits on the floor, her legs crossed, as she holds her arms out for Hana, whose feet are on top of Kari’s, who is holding her little baby hands as she walks her little sister across the living room. Hana shrieks, delighted, as Kari guides them towards Yuugao. Kari hasn’t always been a very good big sister, but she has grown up in the year since Hana’s birth. Before, she would always passively help her younger siblings, like letting Taro sleep in her bed or letting Mimi play with a doll.

Recently, she has begun actively helping her siblings. She walks Hana across the room, and she tells Taro not to be scared when he has bad dreams. She even helps Mimi with her scrapes and cuts, carefully putting a band-aid over them. Kari smiles at Yuugao as they get closer, and when they are finally close enough, Hana stretches for Yuugao and she catches her, pulling her into a tight hug while Kari climbs into her lap.

“You two did it!” Yuugao says. Hana giggles into Yuugao’s neck, while Kari beams up at her mother.

“I’m the best big sister,” she declares. Yuugao smiles.

“Yes, yes you are.” Before Kari can reply, Taro thuds into the room, a big, dumb grin on his face when he sees Yuugao. He runs up to her, saying nothing as he holds up a doll that Mimi broke and he and Raidou fixed.

“Here,” he says softly, giving it to Kari, who grins at the sight of her fixed doll. “I fixed it.” Kari takes her doll from his hands and tests the reattached leg.

“Thanks,” she says, not moving off of Yuugao.

“You did a really good job,” Yuugao smiles at Taro, who looks up at her with all the love in his little body. Yuugao looks up when Raidou walks in, Mimi at his side, holding her jar of spiders. She never feels the need to hold anyone’s hand, but she does stick close to Raidou when he’s around.

“I found another spider,” she says softly, holding her jar out in front of her.

“We have lot of good luck then, don’t we?” Yuugao replies.

“Heaps and heaps,” Raidou says, “all the luck in the world, thanks to Meems.” She makes a clicking noise as she wraps herself around his leg, watching her siblings climb all over Yuugao.

Mountains of good luck, wherever they go.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I've decided to just post this and the last chapter because, well, I'm an impatient person and sitting on material makes me feel itchy. I'll say this again at the end, but thank you very much for reading this (and trusting me after Storms, lol).


	10. Epilogue

“When I’m old and stuff, will you still have a crush?”

Ariana Grande, “six thirty”

When they are all in town at the same, which has become increasingly rare as Kari and Mimi move up the ranks and Taro and Hana take on more missions, they all have dinner as a family. Yuugao insists on it, even if everyone is sweaty, tired or cranky. _I didn’t bring all of you into the world for us to never see each other._ Raidou and Yuugao always sit across from each other with Hana at the end of the table between them. Kari sits beside Raidou, Taro by Yuugao and Mimi sits at the other end of the table.

Yuugao prepared a simple meal of rice and fish, and Taro cooked the vegetables. Kari is always late for dinner, something that no one comments on, but everyone notices. She moved out a year ago, and while Raidou and Yuugao pretty much expected to stop seeing her as much, neither Taro nor Hana were ready for her to leave. Mimi is indifferent. They all pause when they hear the door slam and Kari kick off her shoes, before placing them on the shoe rack. She’s still in her fatigues, taking her flak jacket off as she rushes to the table. Taro and Mimi make eye contact, while Hana turns around and smiles big at her sister.

“Hi Kari,” Hana says first. Kari smiles.

“Hi,” she says, poking the back of Taro’s head and she comes around the table. “Sorry for being late,” Kari says, sitting down beside Raidou.

“It’s fine,” Yuugao says, “I’m just glad everyone turned up.” She’s proud of the people her children have become, but she does wish they got to spend more time together. She misses when they were all little. Coming home from a mission to four kids made everything worth it.

“I was with Mirai,” Kari says, a little breathless, “I lost track of the time.”

“Mirai’s out of town, isn’t she?” Yuugao asks, looking at Raidou. Kari blinks and her lip twitches.

“Kurenai, Genma, Guy and Kakashi were here last night,” Raidou says, “don’t answer questions that no one has asked. It’s a dead giveaway.” Kari says nothing as she reaches for the rice. Mimi, Taro and Hana all look at each other, before looking at Kari, who is pointedly not looking at them. Raidou and Yuugao look at each other, before they look at Kari.

“Is there something you should be telling us?” Yuugao asks. Mimi smirks, while Taro pretends to cough. Hana, ever loyal to her sister, contains her amusement.

“You’re all obvious,” Raidou says, “your mother and I trained you better than that.” An assassin and Anbu captain, having children who can’t keep a secret from their parents. Embarrassing.

“Sunlight is the best disinfectant,” Mimi says. Kari glares are her.

“Really?” she asks. Mimi nods, putting a piece of fish into her mouth.

“The truth will set you free,” Taro says in a sage voice. Kari doesn’t throw anything at him, but her face twitches in a way that suggests that she would really, really like to.

“Kari,” Yuugao says, “what are your siblings talking about?”

“Nothing,” Kari replies. Hana puffs her cheeks, annoyed with her sister doesn’t just come out at say it.

“Kari!” Hana says, “just tell them. We all know.”

“All know what?” Raidou asks, turning to look at his eldest. Kari crosses her arms and leans back in her chair, her hair tied up in a ponytail, a ribbon wrapped around it.

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Kari says to Raidou.

“It’s definitely not,” Mimi smiles, the pineapple barrettes pulling her hair out of her face making her look younger than she is.

“C’mon,” Taro says, “they definitely know something’s up now.” He gestures to Yuugao and Raidou, who are still trying to figure out what their children are talking about.

“Personal business is personal business!” Kari hisses.

“How is it personal when three other people know?” Mimi asks. Before Kari can answer, Hana takes the opposite position.

“What’s more personal than family?” Hana leans forward, her hair brushing the tabletop.

“Kari, this isn’t a state secret,” Taro says, “we only know because you went to the hospital to see K—”

“Quiet!” Kari hisses. Raidou and Yuugao look at each other, before looking back at their daughter. She takes in a deep breath, closing her eyes. “I’ve been seeing someone.” She looks at Yuugao and Raidou, “I’m dating someone in the forces.” Again, Raidou and Yuugao look at each other, before they both look at Kari.

“That’s it?” Yuugao asks.

“It’s also a question of _who_ ,” Mimi says.

“Don’t half-ass the truth, Kari,” Taro says.

“You visited him at the hospital,” Hana says, “why is it a big deal for Mom and Dad know?” Not for the first time, it feels like their kids have an entire world that neither Yuugao nor Raidou are privy to. They’re used to their kids speaking to each other in code and inside jokes, which they usually pretend not to notice. But tonight, well, it just reminds them of how old they are. Kari is twenty-one, which means Raidou is fifty-seven and Yuugao is forty-seven. Neither of them are anywhere close to retirement but, on the other hand, neither can deny that they are, officially old.

“Here’s a hint: he’s a troglodyte,” Mimi says. Kari frowns.

“You’re using that word wrong,” she hits back.

“I don’t think my vocabulary is what you should be worried about right now.” Mimi hums, tucking her hair behind her ears.

“He’s kind of like Dad, actually,” Hana says, “he frowns all the time too.” Kari’s face twists.

“Ko—he is not like Dad,” Kari huffs.

“You’re right, he makes Dad look like a genius,” Mimi says.

“Remember when you didn’t talk? I miss those days,” Kari looks to Taro. “Don’t you agree?”

“Did you just call me stupid?” Raidou asks, blinking at Mimi.

“No. Just average,” Mimi puts some rice in her mouth, while Yuugao sighs.

“You should have some respect for your father,” she says, “he works hard for all of us.”

“You didn’t say I’m wrong,” Mimi hums, enjoying how dinner is turning out. Yuugao glares at her, while Raidou is unsure of how offended he would like to be.

“Mimi, you shouldn’t speak about your father that way. He has spent—.”

“Yuugao, we still don’t know who Kari is dating.” Raidou says, interrupting her. Yuugao gives him a sharp look.

“Mimi, please apologize to your father and Kari, please tell us who you’re dating.” Yuugao looks at her daughters, and while neither she nor Raidou are authoritarian, she does believe that they should show some respect. Taro and Hana smile at each other, because they know that Kari and Mimi are going to comply. Their mother compels that kind of obedience. She isn’t an Anbu captain for nothing. Kari and Mimi both look at each other, realizing that no matter how big they become, their mother will always be herself. Mimi turns to Raidou.

“Sorry Dad,” she says. He shrugs, looking at Yuugao, who looks at him from beneath her brow. Raidou nods at her, holding eye contact. He doesn’t really disagree that he’s average, but he knows that it bothers Yuugao when he’s disrespected. He’s a hard ass and strict when it comes to training and working, but he doesn’t really care about being seen as a figure of authority.

“Thanks, Meems.” He smiles softly. Mimi is a nickname already, but Meems is exclusive to immediate family members. Raidou and Taro use it most frequently, so sometimes, it feels like it’s their special name for her. It’s more special than her Anbu name, which is Kitty, the diminutive for Cat, which is Yuugao’s codename. Mimi doesn’t smile, but she does nod, before they all turn to Kari.

“I’ve been seeing Konohamaru.” Kari mutters it and looks at her rice.

“That’s it?” Yuugao says.

“Sarutobi?” Raidou asks. He remembers what an asshole Konohamaru was when he was a kid.

“The one and only,” Mimi says.

“We only know because he broke his arm and Kari visited him in the hospital three months ago.” Hana pokes around her rice, “he’s fine. I don’t know why Mimi is so rude about it.”

“You’re dating Konohamaru?” Raidou repeats, becoming less impressed by the second. Kari and Mimi, of course, knew he would react this way because he once told Konohamaru off for leaving them and Mirai alone when they were kids. Konohamaru has become one of the strongest ninja in the village, but that doesn’t mean Raidou has to like him. He will never be too tall for Raidou to refer to him as ‘that little asshole.’

“Yeah,” Kari rubs the side of her neck, looking away from him. Raidou’s lip twitches, because he doesn’t want to be the kind of father who makes his child feel bad for who they’re seeing. Raidou consciously softens his face. He doesn’t like Konohamaru, but he does love Kari.

“He and I definitely aren’t alike,” Raidou says.

“I wouldn’t say so,” Kari replies. She smiles up at him, and he nods before returning to his rice. Yuugao misinterprets Raidou’s softening as complete acceptance. She kicks Raidou under the table, and he looks at her.

“Kari,” Yuugao says, “you should bring Konohamaru over tomorrow. Your father and I will both be here.” Raidou twists his face like he has tasted something bad, and Kari frowns.

“I don’t know…” she trails off, “it’s only been six months.”

“I didn’t meet your parents for the first year and a half,” Raidou says, recovering himself. Yuugao narrows her eyes at him. She doesn’t like it when he brings up her, admittedly, asshole behavior.

“Raidou, when was the last time you spoke to Konohamaru?” Yuugao asks.

“I don’t speak to Konohamaru,” he replies. Taro puts some rice into his mouth and makes a series of hand signs at his sisters, which basically mean ‘do you think they’re going to fight over something this dumb?’ Hana and Mimi both nod. Kari scowls at him.

“He’s thirty-four, he isn’t a little boy anymore,” Yuugao says, “you should give him a chance.”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t,” Raidou says, “I just don’t want to spend time with him.”

“Why?” Kari asks in a quiet voice. Raidou sighs and rubs his forehead.

“He’s…” Raidou searches for the words, but he can’t really articulate why he dislikes Konohamaru so much. There’s nothing technically wrong with him, and after four kids (five if you count Mirai, who always seemed to be around) he can say that kids all have asshole phases.

“A complete tool.” Mimi saves Raidou from having to say what he thinks.

“He is kind of a bro,” Hana says.

“He’s not any of those things!” Kari huffs, “he’s really thoughtful and kind.”

“To you,” Mimi says.

“He loves his parents, and Kurenai and Mirai. He’s good with his genin too,” Kari goes on the defensive, for reasons she is not yet comfortable articulating.

“This is why he should come over tomorrow,” Yuugao says, “I haven’t spoken to him in a while, and I would like to meet someone who is important to you. Right?” Yuugao kicks Raidou under the table and he sighs.

“Bring him around after 2 p.m.” Raidou is going to find Genma and complain about how life has played him, yet again. Genma will probably cackle and say that’s what Raidou gets for being with both Kurenai and Yuugao and having three pretty daughters. _One of them was bound to date a loser like you_. “I think everyone will be here.

“Actually, I’ll be working in the hospital,” Hana says.

“I promised Kurenai I’d help her around the house,” Taro says, “I need to mow her lawn and help her with her groceries. Raidou looks at Mimi, hoping she will save him, but she puts her hands up in the air.

“I’ve got a mission,” she says. The red swirls on her right arm are darker than Yuugao’s tattoo. She made full-fledged Anbu at thirteen and is always going out.

“Meems,” Raidou almost whines.

“Duty calls, Pop.” Mimi puts some rice into her mouth.

“You know, maybe if everything goes well tomorrow, Konohamaru and Ami can start coming to our family dinners!” Yuugao hums with excitement. Ami is Mimi’s girlfriend—no one is particularly enthusiastic about her, but they all support Mimi.

“Ami and I broke up,” Mimi says. Everyone turns and looks at her. “What?”

“When?” Hana asks first. She sees Ami almost every day, and the older girl hasn’t said anything. Mimi and Ami have been steady for a few years now. Granted, Kari, Taro and Hana never liked Ami, but they always assumed that Mimi was the kind of person who would find her one person and settle down forever.

“A month ago,” Mimi replies. She doesn’t want to talk about Ami because towards the end, they fought all the time, over the stupidest things. But all their fights were about the same thing: Mimi is never around, isn’t emotionally available, only cares about Anbu, only cares about herself. The last straw came when Ami made a remark about Mimi not loving her family— _when was the last time you were with them on their birthdays?_ Mimi had gone into the training field after and went so hard, she had to take a week off to recover. Like her parents, like Kari, Mimi is more comfortable taking her feelings out on something rather than talk about them. Which is why she has avoided this conversation for a month.

“Why?” Yuugao asks. Neither Yuugao nor Raidou really liked Ami, but they always assumed that Mimi would tell them if something was wrong. No one told Mimi their real opinions at the time because Mimi, like Kari, like Yuugao and Raidou, is extraordinarily stubborn when pushed into a corner.

“We didn’t argue enough.” Mimi shrugs and puts some more rice into her mouth.

No one says anything for a second; Raidou and Yuugao are the only two at the table who have any experience with heartbreak, and they both know that there is no answer for when things go wrong. More often than not, you just have to ride out how much things suck, until they stop sucking so much.

Just because Ami sucked doesn’t mean that Mimi didn’t love her in a very real way.

Raidou presses the side of his big toe to Yuugao’s bare ankle. She turns to him.

“Do you remember that radiator in your old apartment?” he asks. Yuugao smiles.

“Of course, I do. For three years, it refused to work.”

“Then I came along,” Raidou smiles, “November 3 is the day I finally fixed it.” It was the first birthday of hers that they spent together.

“How heroic,” Mimi says.

“I am pretty sure you dumped me a month later,” Yuugao says.

“ _You_ dumped _Mom_?” Taro asks the question that is on everyone’s mind. Raidou shrugs. He too, didn’t that he’d be the one dumping Yuugao, and he was there.

“He was mad that he hadn’t met your grandparents,” Yuugao replies. “Your father is that kind of boyfriend.” The kind that when he commits, he commits. Which is lucky for Yuugao, because she and Raidou never married. Neither see the point—they once considered it for tax reasons, but they ultimately decided that it wasn’t for them.

“You dumped Mom,” Kari sits back, “that’s not how I would have pictured it.”

“Well, what’s two months for twenty-three years?” Raidou says, not the least bit offended that his kids imagined that Yuugao would be the one to dump him.

“I won him back to,” she smiles, “I took him to a movie.”

“I still met your mom by accident,” Raidou replies. Neither are particularly outgoing people, but their children have seen what love and commitment look like. “You got a concussion, and I took two days off work, and your mother showed up at your apartment—.”

“And she said you should come over for dinner,” Yuugao groans, “I know, I know.” She still finds the whole thing very embarrassing.

“I’m just saying, things have come full circle,” Raidou says, “now you’re the mom who wants to meet your daughter’s boyfriend. It’s just funny how life works out,” he grins. Yuugao smiles, because she can’t help but agree.

“There is only one person who would tell a girl that when frustrated, cannibals throw up their hands.” All their kids groan, audibly, because Yuugao brings this joke up at least once a month.

“I’m pretty sure I got it from Genma,” Raidou says.

“Really? You said you got it from a book,” Yuugao replies.

“Huh, really?” Raidou asks, genuinely puzzled. Yuugao throws a pickled plum at him, and it hits him right between the eyes.

**

When Kari was sixteen and Mimi twelve, they shared a bedroom. One day, Kari found Mimi using her makeup, and the fight escalated to a war about privacy, territory, and justice. In a rage, Kari declared that she was going to share a room with Taro, who was fourteen at the time, and Mimi, not to be outdone, declared that she would share a room with Hana, who was ten. These new sleeping arrangements lasted for two weeks, before Mimi apologized and Kari told her it was fine.

Raidou would gladly relive those two weeks instead of spending a couple hours with Konohamaru. He feels like he is being trolled by the universe when he walks into his living room and sees Konohamaru sitting in _his_ chair while drinking _his_ beer and talking to Kari and Yuugao like this is normal. He is personally convinced that Asuma and Hayate got bored in heaven and decided to mess with his life. No god would never play him like this; Raidou is convinced that humanity is an ant farm that the gods or whatever forgot about. This has Asuma and Hayate’s dirty fingerprints all over it. He looks up at the ceiling and scowls. _Not my fault Kurenai and Yuugao like me so much_. And Kurenai liked him first.

Whatever. He sighs and walks into the living room and decides to remain neutral.

Each of his children have brought people to meet him and Yuugao. He isn’t bothered by Kari dating, so much as he dislikes Konohamaru for who he was as a kid, which really isn’t fair. But even Asuma once said that he was obligated to love the little fucker, so Raidou knows his opinion isn’t far off base.

Yuugao spots him first and gets up to greet him. She smiles back at Konohamaru, who has the self-awareness to look uncomfortable, while Kari looks annoyed. Raidou does his best not to frown, as Yuugao comes up to him and takes his hands in hers.

“Behave and be nice,” she murmurs.

“I am nice,” he replies, “I haven’t kicked him out.” Yuugao frowns.

“Remember, this is someone who really likes Kari, not an enemy, or someone unworthy. He is very strong and respected.” Yuugao looks up into Raidou’s eyes, and his lip twitches.

“Okay.” Konohamaru and Kari are speaking softly, and he suspects that they are having a similar conversation.

“Remember, he loves our daughter so much that he came to the house of an Anbu captain and one of the most respected assassins in Konoha.”

“He was such a little asshole…” Raidou mutters. Yuugao squeezes his hands.

“He is thirty-four,” she says.

“We both know what a little monster—.”

“Raidou,” Yuugao hisses, “you are going to sit down, and be polite or, so help me god, you are going to sleep on the couch for a week.” Raidou makes a face, because not once has she said it and actually meant it, but he doesn’t want to start testing his luck now.

“Okay,” he replies, walking into the living room.

“I’m going to go make some tea,” Yuugao calls over her shoulder, “I’ll be back in five.” They all know it will be closer to ten.

Raidou sits on the couch, beside Kari, turned to face Konohamaru. He says nothing for a second, before Kari nudges him.

“Hi Konohamaru. It’s been a while.” And yet, not enough.

“Yeah,” Konohamaru says, “I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation.” Raidou nods, without saying anything.

“So, how long have you two been seeing each other?” he asks. Kari looks at Konohamaru, and they both silently agree that she’ll answer this question.

“Six months, give or take,” she says. “We met—”

“I don’t need to know,” Raidou says. They all know that there is a difference between meeting someone for the first time and having sex with them for the first time. He hopes their encounters are consensual and mutually rewarding, but Raidou doesn’t really want to think about it. They sit in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, before Raidou stands up.

“I’m going to go see if your mom needs help,” he says, “do you two want anything?”

“Uh, no thank you,” Konohamaru says. He knows how to charm Yuugao, but Raidou is like a brick wall.

“I’m fine, thank you,” Kari says, putting her hand on Konohamaru’s thigh. It’s a gesture of comfort, and Raidou does feel, okay, a _little_ sappy over his daughter having that kind of relationship. Even if it’s with a total jackass.

“Okay,” he says, walking towards the kitchen.

Yuugao is waiting for the kettle, fussing over a plant cutting. She doesn’t even turn her head to look at Raidou when he comes in.

“Why are you here?” she asks. He walks up beside her, setting his hands on the counter.

“It’s so awkward,” he says in a quiet voice. She smirks and doesn’t look at him.

“It’s just Konohamaru. He’s a bro, like you.” Raidou makes a frustrated noise, which makes her grin. “He’s different now. More mature.”

“What are we supposed to talk about?” he asks.

“The weather, missions. Things like that,” she says, reaching in front of him when the kettle clicks.

“I suck at this,” he sighs.

“So does Kari,” Yuugao says, “it was just Konohamaru and I talking when you got here. She has your nerves.” Murder is fine, but sincere, open communication? That’s something that Raidou and Kari both struggle to do with each other. “She wants you to like him.”

“He’s fine,” Raidou huffs. Yuugao pours the hot water into the teapot, humming.

“He’s better than fine, Raidou. He’s respectable, even.” Yuugao wears her hair shoulder-length now, and Raidou twists a lock around his finger.

“Don’t think I don’t want her to be happy,” he says, “I just…I didn’t make Kari so that she’d end up with someone like—.”

“You?” Yuugao asks. She smiles at Raidou when he frowns. “Come on, you two do look alike, and he’s bro-y, like you.”

“I’m not that much of a bro,” Raidou huffs. He rubs his thumb against the lock of hair in his hand.

“I think you’ll like him if you give him a chance. Just one,” she says. Raidou lets go of her hair and sighs.

“Fine,” he says, “I’ll carry all of this to the living room.” He picks up the tray with the teapot and the mugs on it, and Yuugao smiles as she watches his back.

**

Taro bends over the lawn mower, wiping his forehead. It’s a hot day and he’s not wearing a shirt, and Kurenai has noticed that he has the same broad shoulders and wiry frame as Raidou. For a long time, Taro wore his hair long, but he cut it short about a year ago; it makes him look older. _When did you get so big?_ To her, he’ll always be a cheery toddler. He’s still cheery, but as it so often happens in Konoha, combat and trauma have aged him, and he hasn’t even lived through a war.

He always comes over to help Kurenai around the house; he mows her lawn, helps her with groceries, fixes things. Taro is what her own mother would have referred to as a ‘fine young man,’ praise that neither Raidou nor Asuma received from her, although she did like them.

“Taro,” Kurenai calls, “would you like to take a break? Have some lemonade?” He turns back to look over at her, his short hair sticking up in a few different directions, and in that moment, he looks so much like his father that it takes Kurenai back thirty-eight years. Like Asuma will turn around the corner and their older brothers will hop the fence.

“That sounds nice,” he says, standing up. He walks over to the deck, sitting on the edge beside Kurenai. Of all of Raidou’s children, Taro is the one she’s closest to. He’s a sensor, like her and Yuugao, and he’s adept with genjutsu, even beating Mirai a few times. Kurenai has taken him on as a student, and he’s surpassed her expectations, even his own, considering his lack of ambition.

“How are you?” Kurenai asks. Taro picks up the lemonade beside him, swirling it in the glass.

“I’ve been okay,” he says, “I’ve been training with my dad.” By this, he means that Raidou is forcing him to work on his kenjutsu.

Taro is a proficient swordsman, but he’s not as good as Raidou or Yuugao and he is leagues behind Kari and Mimi. It’s something that has always worried Raidou. It’s a source of tension between father and son, a gap that sits between them. Taro goes along with these training sessions because he loves Raidou, but his heart isn’t in it. Raidou was over just yesterday, talking about it. He’s always been afraid for Taro; he says he’s soft, and by that, Raidou means his heart is too open. Everything gets in and stays there. Out of all the kids, it was seven-year-old Taro who cried when he found a baby bird knocked out of its nest and was told that because they couldn’t find its parents, they would have to take it into a shelter. _But he needs his mommy and daddy!_ Taro had cried, holding it in a tea towel. He sniffled when they left the bird at the vet, and when he went to check on it the next day and was told it died, he screamed so loud Raidou heard him down the street.

For the record, no one has ever worried about Mirai, Kari or Mimi. They are just like their parents, maybe better, and they’ve never been soft, not like Taro. Even Hana, who does minimal combat training in favor of medical ninjutsu, lacks Taro’s softness. Raidou once said that it was Taro who he feared wouldn’t come home one day, never the other kids. Kurenai replied that Taro is his son, to which Raidou said that sons don’t tend to live very long in Konoha. His precise words were _Konoha eats her sons_. When Kakashi and Yamato’s freakish ability to remain alive was pointed out to him, Raidou said that doesn’t mean anything. Look at their group of friends—it’s men who die and women who survive, besides, Kakashi and Yamato weren’t someone’s sons the way that Asuma, Hayate and his brother were. They didn’t have fathers who taught them everything they know, or mothers who kissed their faces all over, or siblings who teased them.

In fact, it was right here on this porch, where Raidou confessed that if anything should happen to the kids (which has always included Mirai), but especially Taro, he will desecrate three graves and scatter Asuma, Hayate and his brother’s remains so that they’ll know no rest, because _what the fuck_ is the point of having faith in a higher power or the souls of the departed if they don’t do their job? Why keep their pictures up with incense burning if they can’t keep the kids safe?

Raidou has never been particularly vengeful, but he’s fierce when it comes to the children, and it goes deeper than the Will of Fire. He once said that his life didn’t have meaning until Mirai had been born, because as he held her in his arms and looked at Yuugao’s tummy, he felt, deep inside of his bones, that justice is possible in a world where these babies exist, and because it’s possible, he must do everything to actualize it.

It’s safe to say that Taro doesn’t know any of this about his father. As he sips on his lemonade, Kurenai wonders if Raidou has ever told Taro any of his feelings—about what it means to him that his son isn’t a swordsman, and all the baggage that goes along with it. Taro probably feels like a disappointment, because he doesn’t know that Raidou looks at him and thinks about the ways things ended for other people’s sons. It must especially hurt to see how alike Taro is to Hayate, to Raidou’s brother—he finds gentleness easy to share, whereas Raidou can only share that part of himself with the kids, Yuugao and Kurenai. 

Taro looks very much like Yuugao, it’s true. He has her expressive eyes and purple hair, pale skin that burns easily. But Raidou is there in his jaw, shoulders and back. _If Asuma and I had a son…_ the thought hurts, but she sometimes wonders about the son who was never born but rests inside of her. She doesn’t think that she and Asuma would have had another, but sometimes, she wishes that weren’t the case.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while,” Kurenai says softly. Taro shrugs, looking away. He moves his jaw side to side, the way Raidou does when he’s keeping a secret.

“I’m here every week,” he says, “but I’ve been too busy to sit down, it’s true.” He sips his lemonade, and Kurenai tilts her head.

She knows why he’s been scarce. A year ago, Mirai began to teach him some of the melee fighting Asuma was known for, which her uncle had taught her. Taro had proven to be very good at that, but close combat evolved into something more. He was the first secret that Mirai kept from Kurenai that she knows of, and she only found out when they were careless one day, and Kurenai caught sight of his bare back in the window of Mirai’s apartment. Mirai hadn’t told her when she ended it; she simply didn’t come home for two weeks, and now avoids Taro like the plague. He’s a very good kid, for still coming here to take care of Kurenai even though Mirai ended it. She just knows that Taro is like Raidou and Asuma—they never hesitated to commit fully; Mirai, like Kurenai and Yuugao, is the hesitant one.

Taro kicks out his legs, looking across the lawn. It’s been two months since Mirai told him that she couldn’t see him anymore, and he thinks he’s beginning to get better. Her voice isn’t in his head all the time, and he thinks about their time together less often. He still knows how her skin tastes and what it’s like to be inside of her, but the knowledge hurts less and less the more time goes on. That horrible night, when she told him that it’s over, he got home at 1:30 a.m., and his mother had been in the kitchen, waiting for him. He immediately started crying, and she hadn’t hesitated in walking up to him, cupping the back of his head in one of her hands as the other pressed into his back. She’d known, always had.

It’s not Kurenai’s fault, but there are little pieces of Mirai everywhere. He finds it hard to look at all the photos and drawings and report cards, and not think about what they shared.

“Well, what’s changed for you?” Kurenai asks, point blank. She never beats around the bush with him.

“Nothing,” he says, “well, that’s not true.” Taro looks up at the sky, inhaling deeply. “I think I know what I want to do.”

“And what would that be?” Kurenai asks. He’s never mentioned having a goal before; he always shrugged and said he wanted to coast, leave the big goals to his sisters.

“I think I want to be a teacher,” he says, “I enjoy working with kids.”

“Are you thinking of working in the academy, or becoming a jounin-sensei?” Kurenai asks, intrigued. Neither Raidou or Yuugao were ever jounin-sensei, and while Kari and Mimi like telling people what to do, they aren’t teachers. She could see Hana teaching, but it’s a big maybe.

“Either one,” he says, “I asked Konohamaru about it, and he thinks I’d be a good jounin-sensei.”

“You talk to Konohamaru?” Kurenai asks.

“He is dating Kari,” Taro says, “which I think is weirder.” Kurenai snorts, shaking her head. Konohamaru asked her about talking to Raidou, and Kurenai told him not think that he could bullshit him, but other than that, he’s on his own.

“How’d your father react?” she asks. Taro smiled.

“The way he always does,” Taro replies, “you know, that face he makes when he doesn’t like something but is trying to figure out how much he doesn’t like it.” Kurenai laughs because, she does indeed know that face.

“Your father’s personality makes more sense the older he gets,” she says, “he’s just mad that Kari is dating someone like him.”

“We all said that too,” Taro says, “I think that genuinely annoyed him.”

“You should tell him that you want to be a teacher,” Kurenai says, “it’s the kind of thing he’d be proud of.” Taro looks uncertain, his lips pressed into a thin line.

“I don’t know…” he trails off, “it’s not Anbu or an elite squad.” Being Kari and Mimi’s brother is frustrating, because the two of them are workaholics, and Hana is just so different, you can’t compare her to the other two.

“Who do you think trains the members of Anbu and elite squads?” Kurenai says, “your father agrees with me.” Taro shifts from side to side, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“You think I’d be good at it?” he asks, “I won’t tell him if you don’t think I can do it.”

“Of course, I think you can do it,” Kurenai says, “you are the most caring person I know.” Taro smiles at her, big and toothy, like he did as a boy. It reminds her of how Raidou and Asuma used to smile, before the world did what it did to them. Taro is still able to admit to doubt, to being afraid and unsure of adulthood, which is something that was beaten out of all of them. For his sake, she hopes Taro is never cut off from himself, not like that.

**

Hana looks down at the file in her hands, as she follows Shizune on their rounds. Hana is wearing her hair up in a red ribbon, which looks suspiciously like the strip of fabric Raidou used to wear over his nose. She has big, expressive eyes like Yuugao, but she still looks like her father and older sister, although Hana has a slightly kinder face.

“I cannot believe the audacity of that man,” Shizune mutters, arms crossed. Hana rolls her eyes. Kakashi frequently does things that annoy Shizune, which results in her having to listen to her mentor complain.

“What did he do?” Hana asks, hurrying to match Shizune’s stride. She lets out a low laugh, which is how Hana knows he really did it this time.

“I swear, that man is going to send me to an early grave,” Shizune says, “it’s not even worth getting into.” She sighs to herself, shaking out her hair as if that would be enough to forget about the fact that Kakashi turned up at her doorstep like they aren’t in their fifties and frankly, too old for him to just drop in whenever he feels like it. She slammed the door in his face when he pointed out that if she didn’t like him, she wouldn’t answer the door in the first place. “Didn’t you have family dinner last night? How was that?” Hana grins.

“It was nice,” she says, “Kari finally told Mom and Dad about Konohamaru.” Shizune snorts.

“How did your father react?” she asks, holding her hand out for the file. Yuugao is a sweetheart, who loves and supports her children. Raidou, while he loves and supports his children, is also an asshole. Hana passes the file to Shizune, open to the exact page she needs it to be.

“How you’d expect,” Hana hums, tucking her hands into her pockets.

“Your father is predictable,” Shizune says, reading the chart. Neither are paying attention, and Shizune cusses when she nearly walks right into Kakashi, who is standing there, hands in his pockets, his eyes crinkled.

“Shizune, Hana,” he says, “fancy seeing you two here.”

“No, no,” Shizune says, “I do not want to hear it from you.” Kakashi raises an eyebrow, apparently surprised by Shizune’s reaction.

“Really?” he asks, amused. Hana thinks about the time her mother asked her father if Kakashi and Shizune were an item, and he laughed out loud. Apparently, watching Kakashi and Shizune circle each other has become a game, of sorts. Watching it unfold now, she can’t say that she disagrees with his assessment.

“I’m serious,” Shizune says, crossing her arms. Kakashi tilts his head, eyeing Hana.

“Let’s not fight in front of Hana,” he says. Shizune puffs up her cheeks.

“Well, don’t talk to me!” Shizune says, stopping herself before telling him to stop looking at her like he has seen her naked.

“Should I leave?” Hana asks.

“No, I am training you today,” Shizune says, “Kakashi, please go. I’ll deal with you later.”

“I was your Hokage,” he says, like Shizune cares.

“ _Was_ being the operative word,” she replies, staring right into his eyes. Hana looks between the two of them, very aware that this is not a moment she wants to be a part of.

“I’m sure I can do something else,” she says in a quiet voice. She’s a very sweet kid, and she’s outgrown the habit of using Raidou’s frowns and Yuugao’s blank stares to communicate her discomfort.

“No,” Shizune says, “Kakashi, leave!”

“I’m actually here to see Hana,” he replies in a lazy voice, evidently amused by the dumbfounded look on Shizune’s face. “Did you think I was here for you?”

Hana eyes Shizune, who’s jaw is clenched, and eyes narrowed. It is obvious that she would very much like to smack Kakashi across the face, however, that isn’t how adults deal with their relationship problems. Besides, she won’t give him the satisfaction of getting under her skin, even though he is already there.

“How can I help you?” Hana asks in a light voice.

“Easy,” Kakashi says, “just remember, I have money riding on your answer to the following question.”

“How much?” Hana asks, curious.

“A considerable sum,” he replies. Hana pouts, thinking.

“Do I get a cut?” she asks. Kakashi shrugs.

“Within reason.”

“Twenty percent,” she says. Kakashi doesn’t bat an eye.

“Hm,” is the only noise he makes. Hana smiles, big. She knows what he wants.

“Twelve percent and I’ll leave you alone with Shizune.” Hana knows she said the right thing when his eyes crinkle. She can’t see it, but she knows that he’s smiling.

“Deal,” he says.

“What?!” Shizune sputters, looking between the two of them. She expects this kind of fuckery from him, but not from sweet Hana.

“What face did your father make when he found out about Konohamaru?” Kakashi asks. Hana tilts her head, thinking.

“He made the same face he did when he found out what Genma and Aoba did to Kurenai’s lawn mower. Irritated, with a twist of annoyance, but he was also trying to hide it.” Hana says, “he didn’t do anything exciting. He just looked like he tasted something bad but was trying to be polite, even though he’s not very good at hiding his feelings.” Kakashi tucks his hands into his pocket, and pulls out a few bills, counting them before handing them over to her.

“Congratulations—here are your earnings.” Hana tucks them into her pocket without counting the sum. She doesn’t care that much about money, she just wanted to see if she could cut a deal.

“Who did you bet against?” she asks.

“Genma thought he’d choke, Aoba was hoping he’d flip the table, and Guy is a good person, so he didn’t make a bet.” Kakashi says, “is that what you expected?”

“More or less,” she replies, “Shizune, when you’re done, I’ll be in the maternity ward.” Hana bounces off, her ponytail moving with her. Shizune watches her walk away, angry that she doesn’t just follow Hana instead of standing here like a fool.

“You should be mad at Raidou for being so predictable,” Kakashi says, amused. Shizune tries not to look as annoyed as she actually is and fails terribly.

“I can do whatever I’d like,” she replies. Kakashi tilts his head to the side, and steps right up to her.

“C’mon, spend some time with me.” He lets it come out a little whiny, because Shizune likes to be needed. She eyes him, frowning.

“I’ve spent far too much time with you already,” she replies. Kakashi shrugs.

“So, what’s a little more?”

She really hates him, in this particular moment, because she can’t find it in herself to disagree.

**

Yamato eyes Mimi as she stands over the body, her head tilted, hands on her hips. She turns back to look at him, and signals with her hands that the subject is dead. She kneels down, and closes his eyes, before taking out a scroll to seal the body. Yamato has never had to worry about Mimi encountering dead bodies; she appears indifferent to the loss of life, something to be valued in Anbu.

He turns his attention back to Mirai, who stands in front of him, playing with her mask, clearly still unused to the way it sits on her face. She passed the initial two months of training, but that doesn’t mean she’s in. It’s another six months of additional training, plus a year-long probation, before she will receive her tattoo and be considered a full-fledged member of Anbu. She hasn’t yet asked to be sent back to bodyguard duty, which is a good sign, but she’s only three months into an eighteen-month process, so there is plenty of time for her to back out.

“Hawk,” he says, “go have Kitty show you the seal we use for bodies.” Mirai nods, and walks over to Mimi, who is fully prepped. Yamato looks around the clearing, the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. He doesn’t sense anyone, but he doesn’t want to stand around here long. It’s always concerning when the target of an assassination winds up dead at someone else’s hand. He crosses his arms, looking around the clearing, when Mimi makes their chirping noise and rolls up the seal, a pool of blood at hers and Mirai’s feet.

“It’s done,” she says cryptically, “what now, Fox?”

“Now,” Yamato says, “we go home and figure out what happened.” Mimi and Mirai nod, taking off after him as he leaps up into the trees. They are younger but he is stronger, so it takes effort for them to match his pace.

He doesn’t really know when the kids grew up. One day, Kurenai and Yuugao were pregnant, the next there were little babies, and now those babies are all fully grown people. Mimi made Anbu pretty much right out of the academy, like Yuugao, and Shikamaru suggested Mirai’s recruitment about six months ago. He slows his pace as they get further from the site, so they can comfortably talk. Mimi isn’t very talkative, and neither is Yamato, so it is Mirai who begins the conversation.

“I need to have dinner with my mom soon,” Mirai says, “she called me a week ago.” They didn’t speak for long. Kurenai said that Taro was coming to the house this afternoon, so Mirai put her visit off another day, so she’d be there well after him. One of the unspoken terms of their breakup is that they are never to be in the same place at the same time.

“Moms are like that,” Yamato replies, even though he wouldn’t know from personal experience. He’s just spent over twenty years watching Yuugao be a mother. If he thought that she babied him, it had nothing on her own children. Kissing scrapes and making dinner and keeping everyone together. “When was the last time you were home?”

“It’s been a month,” Mirai replies, “she doesn’t know.”

“You shouldn’t tell her until you’ve made it through the training,” he advises. Even Yuugao questioned Mimi’s recruitment, and she was younger when she had been recruited. Yamato can’t imagine that Kurenai would understand what it means to be recruited to Anbu—she wouldn’t get the lifestyle. Raidou barely does.

“I’ve never had this kind of secret,” Mirai says, “not before.” Her relationship with Taro is still a secret, so, she’s actually lying. She now has two secrets she can never tell.

“You get used to it,” Mimi says. In Anbu, the secrets only grow and grow. It’s something she never appreciated about her mother until she was recruited _. There is so much that she can’t tell us_. Mimi sometimes thinks that she’ll be crushed under all the things she knows. Among other things, Ami’s accusations of emotional distance were probably what hurt the most. People from outside Anbu can’t appreciate how difficult it is to be close, because Anbu makes you a liar. Knowing what she knows now, Mimi has no idea how her parents have such a functional, loving relationship or how her mother managed to do as much as she did for them. Mimi hopes she can be that kind of partner one day.

“Are you used to it?” Mirai asks.

“It’s that or quitting,” Mimi replies, looking ahead. Mirai frowns behind her mask. Quitting isn’t an option, not when Shikamaru is the one who suggested her recruitment.

“How’re your parents?” Mirai asks. Mimi is silent for a minute; no doubt, she has noticed that Mirai hasn’t asked about her siblings.

“Well, Kari told Dad that she’s seeing Konohamaru,” Mimi says. Yamato grins behind his mask and Mirai snorts.

“How’d that go?” Yamato asks. Mimi shrugs.

“He took it on the chin,” Mimi replies. One thing she has always admired about her father is his stoicism in the face of life’s petty irritations and slights. He has an almost heroic ability to endure petty fuckery in a way that Mimi finds admirable. She’s never told him that, because it would make him self-conscious, but it’s a trait of his that she tries to purposely cultivate within herself.

“Konohamaru isn’t that bad,” Mirai says, “he’s going to be Hokage.”

“Wanting to be Hokage is the ultimate sign of stupidity,” Mimi replies. Yamato coughs, trying to hide his laugh, while Mirai shrugs it off. Mimi isn’t wrong.

They continue in silence, and Mirai retreats into her own head. Today, she woke up thinking about Taro—she wonders how he is, what he’s been doing. There is no way to ask without rousing suspicion, and besides, she is very likely to be told to ask him herself, or for him to hear that she was asking about him. He doesn’t deserve that; he deserves a clean break. She didn’t even have a very good reason for breaking up with him. Taro would have made it work, with Anbu. He grew up with porcelain masks and swords, son of an assassin and an Anbu captain. He was ready for Mirai, and all that could entail. He’s that kind of man, despite only being nineteen.

She knows this: one day, Taro is going to make someone very happy. He’s going to be present, and open, and kind, and some other woman will love him very much. She always gave him reasons why it wouldn’t work, and he sat there, politely ignoring each one: that he’s younger, that he’s Kari’s little brother, that he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life yet. He knew that all of her reasons were superficial, and that her real reason for ending it, after eight months, the exchange of ‘I love you,’ and unprotected sex, was that Mirai isn’t ready to be committed to someone like Taro. She always told him that she isn’t the right girl for him, and while he never said anything, she knew that he didn’t agree. And now…now, there is nothing left to say.

Mirai has thought about talking to Shikamaru about it. He’s always been honest with her, even when she doesn’t want him to be. She can’t tell her mother, or Kari, because they’ll ask _who_ and she can’t lie if they pose the question directly.

“Does it ever get easier?” Mirai asks. Yamato and Mimi look at each other, before Yamato turns to her.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“The balance in Anbu,” Mirai asks, “do you ever go home and not feel like a liar?” Mimi looks away, because she knows that this is the kind of question only Yamato is qualified to answer. 

“If you make it, you’ll always be Anbu, even if you retire,” he says, “and Anbu don’t lie.” What he really means, is that the key to ‘balance’ is to accept that you are what you are; the more you try to resist the truth, the more the porcelain mask sticks to your face.

**

The sweet smell of burnt scented candles hangs in the air—there is no longer a distinct scent; Apple Pie, Cashmere Woods, Vanilla Cupcake, and others, have all melted together. Kari is wearing a pair of lace panties and a boxy crop top, bending over to pick up another candle to light. Konohamaru watches her from the bed, flat on his back. She has those little dimples on either side of her spine, and her hair is up in a knot. If asked, he thinks that the line of her spine is one of the prettiest parts of her.

Her apartment is kind of shitty, but Konohamaru is so used to it that he doesn’t even question the fact that her mattress doesn’t have a bedframe, or that a dresser and mirror are the only two other pieces of furniture she owns. It comes with the territory of dating someone in their early twenties. Sometimes, he’ll reference something she is too young to remember and then he’ll feel really old, but, for the most part, their relationship has been a source of happiness and affirmation.

Meeting her parents, or rather, meeting Raidou and Yuugao as her boyfriend, hadn’t been as bad as he had expected. He’s not an idiot and any parent would have questions if their daughter brought home a man thirteen years her senior, even if they’ve known Konohamaru since he was small. Yuugao had been very nice, but Raidou looked vaguely irritated and kept quiet for most of the time, which, well, let’s just say that Konohamaru always thought that Raidou to be a grumpy hardass who cares way too much about the rules. At least, that was his impression when he was a boy and the Third was alive. Genma was always the chill bodyguard, but Raidou cared about protocol and rules and boundaries. Konohamaru is pretty sure their antipathy is mutual.

That said, he doesn’t want to make Kari’s life difficult and Yuugao is awfully nice, so he is more than happy with polite silence. “Your mom is really nice,” he says. Kari sparks the lighter and lights the candle, setting it back down on the dresser.

“She’s pretty much perfect,” Kari says, turning around. “Apparently, before they had me, my dad broke up with her.”

“Raidou broke up with Yuugao?” Konohamaru asks, “that’s not how I thought that would work.” As she walks back towards the bed, he looks at the candle she lit; apparently, the room is supposed to smell like hot brown sugar.

“That’s what I said!” Kari says, stepping up onto the bed, sitting next to him. “The audacity of men.” Konohamaru snorts.

“That’s something Moegi would say,” he replies, looking up at her. “But I’m glad your parents figured it out.” He smirks at Kari, and she frowns.

“Gross.”

“What?” he asks, “we all know where babies come from.” He laughs as Kari picks up a pillow and hits him with it. He smiles up at her, turning his face away from the pillow. “Hey, stop.” She tosses the pillow aside, and flops her arms down onto her lap, smiling at him. Kari doesn’t believe in soulmates, or a higher power, or that there is any conscious animating principle making all the decisions, but her time with Konohamaru has made her soften her stance.

“How would you feel if I said that about your parents?”

“I’d be happy to hear you affirm the relationship that made me possible,” he says.

“Fine,” she says, “next time, we’re going to spend the afternoon with your parents.”

“Deal,” he says, hooking his arm under her knee, pressing his palm into her kneecap. Kari smiles down at him, and in the bend of her lower lip, he thinks that he had found his future.

**

Arms crossed, Raidou lies on his side, glowering into space. Konohamaru was fine, but he’s still annoyed that he had to spend hours of his life with him. Yuugao is right behind him, her palm on his stomach as she sucks on his neck. Taro and Hana got called out on missions, so they have the place to themselves, which feels strange, but Yuugao told him that they could be loud like they used to be.

But they won’t get do anything if Raidou keeps ignoring her. “Raidou,” she says quietly, “what are you thinking about?”

“I can’t believe that I spent hours with Konohamaru,” he says. Yuugao rolls her eyes.

“You should be thinking about me,” she presses her mouth to his carotid, and he hums.

“That little asshole—”

“He’s thirty-four.”

“Sitting in my chair, drinking my beer,” he sighs, “the nerve.” Yuugao runs her hand down below the waistband of his sweatpants. Raidou frowns. “Stop distracting me from complaining.”

“You’re whining.” Yuugao corrects him, “you are talking about Konohamaru when we could be having loud, nasty sex.”

“Yuugao, we can do that in ten minutes when I’m done.”

“Do you think Konohamaru spends this much time talking about you?” she asks, “do you think he makes Kari listen to him complain about you when she’s trying to initiate sex?” Raidou’s face twists like he’s tasted something bad.

“Did you seriously just put that image in my head?” he asks. It’s bad enough that he knows, theoretically, what’s happening.

“I bet Konohamaru doesn’t complain,” Yuugao kisses Raidou’s neck, “nope, he definitely doesn’t. Maybe I should trade you in for a newer model.”

Sometimes, she forgets how fast Raidou can move, as he turns around and flips them over. His face is right in hers, and she grins, wrapping her legs around his waist.

“You would never,” he says.

“Anyone else would be settling,” she says in a quiet voice. Raidou presses his mouth to her carotid, agreeing.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, here it is. Raidou and Yuugao being happy and unproblematic. I hope you enjoyed it-thank you for reading! I appreciate it in a way that I can't really put into words.


End file.
